01 The root of the problem is not in the child When parents are anxious to control their children, they will suppress the child's energy, the child is at a low energy level, they can only watch TV and brush the mobile phone; when the child feels the unconditional love and trust of the parents, the energy will rise up, and they can do more interesting things and develop themselves. If the child is in a mental island for a long time, returning from low energy levels to normal, it will take longer, weeks or even months. The length of time depends on whether the parents really accept the child unconditionally, the higher the parent acceptance, the more relaxed the face of the child, the faster the child recovers. No child will be addicted to the electronic screen for a long time when the energy is high. People are eager to enrich and interesting spiritual worlds.
02 "Problem behavior" is the way for children to save themselves The United Kingdom reported that a four-year-old girl played iPad addiction and experienced insomnia, tears, and even vomiting, prostration and other symptoms after withdrawal. Why, because the iPad at this time is the girl's psychological mother. Quitting iPad is equivalent to pulling out the child's only psychological attachment, which is a huge blow to the child. The baby's favorite "toy" is the mother's face, and the mother's face reflects the baby like a mirror, so that the baby feels its own sense of existence and happiness.
If there is no such "mirror reflection", without this good mother-baby interaction, then the iPad will replace the mother to make up for the child's psychological needs. It's like an extremely poor and hungry person who goes to nibble on the bark, causing the whole body to be puffy, and it is not the bark that is wrong.
Behind every problem behavior of the child is the cry of pain of lack of love. The child's problem behavior is actually that he is trying to make up for the black hole in his heart, and he is trying to find a way to save himself.
When I was a child, I had a time when I didn't eat much at dinner, and I ate all kinds of snacks and fruits every day. Fortunately, neither of my parents stopped me. Give me as many snacks as I want. Naturally, I didn't rely on snacks anymore, and I wasn't malnourished or fat. Now I can understand that at that time I was spontaneously making up for the inner lack of breast milk that I was not able to satisfy in infancy.
A 16-year-old rural dropout girl, watching TV at home all day, is basically Korean dramas and court movies. I felt her, and felt that if it weren't for the all-powerful narcissistic hallucinations of "Prince and Princess" in the TV series, and pieced together her broken self, she might have committed suicide a long time ago.
Thankfully, mom didn't forbid her to watch TV and, with my encouragement, sincerely apologized for the trauma her child had suffered in the past. Later the child went to work and told me that she had come out of the urge to commit suicide.
Each child's "problem behavior" is to heal the trauma of his own soul, and the "restrictive behavior" will make the child's trauma suppressed and have more terrible consequences.
If parents can understand and make up for love, of course it is best. If you can't, at least don't bother your child. Do not control it self-righteously, otherwise it will cut off the child's way to save himself.
03 As long as there is freedom, no matter how miserable the childhood can be, some visitors, in childhood relationship with their parents is miserable, in that degree of misery, if according to psychological theory, should now be admitted to a mental hospital or suicide. But we all have an inner spiritual force, as long as we are in the space of not being interfered with by our parents, we can develop self-help. The tragedy of some schizophrenic and suicidal teenagers I know is that they have not been able to have a space for self-help. The "problem behavior" parents constantly corrected it, all the way to the mental hospital or crematorium. If your childhood is too painful, it is indeed not easy to love your children. It's hard to give love, but we can at least keep our mouths shut and give our children a free space to breathe.
To share a parable I wrote: In times of drought, small trees curl up their leaves to protect themselves, reducing water loss. Gardener A will see the appearance and understand the essence, replenish the small tree in time, and then the leaves of the small tree will slowly stretch out.
Gardener B is lazy, he doesn't care. The curled leaves of the small trees also came alive when it rained. And this gardener C loves to control, he said, "The leaves stretch to help absorb sunlight, is the healthy look." "So, go out of your way to break the leaves one by one. It is conceivable that this small tree lost too much water and died. If parents do not know how to love their children, at least do not change their children intelligently - do not cut off the child's last way to save themselves.
04 Take back the energy to love yourself, do not have to torture the child The child who has not been fully responded to the interaction satisfaction in infancy is scattered, has no ability to structure himself, plan and invest in a thing for a long time, and the black hole in the heart will inevitably trend He can only grasp the stimulation to kill time to kill time. The child's state reflects the personality level of the parents, so take the eyes that stare at the child back to yourself, let yourself live in the moment, concentrate on the breath, and focus on doing things that can enrich the body and mind, such as yoga dance, painting and calligraphy, reading and writing, design and creation. And when the child needs it, give the child high-quality companionship and game interaction. Your physical and mental state is getting fuller and fuller, and the child is naturally subtly absorbed by you.
When you see problems and have troubles in anyone, you don't control or transform the other person, but you introspect and repair yourself. This is the greatest teaching you can give to your child. In addition, if the child gets a sense of happiness and achievement in the game, and does not look at him with a scattered look of loneliness, it is not a kill time to kill time, but to enjoy his and her life at an enjoy time. Remember, that's his life, not yours. Whether your child is killing time or enjoying time, living your own life is your child's greatest blessing.
05 Games are not flood beasts Some parents feel that their children play games, that is, they are abandoning their lives. In fact, children can experience growth in play. And experience is the real learning. A lot of children's mental development is done in games, such as a sense of accomplishment and satisfaction.
Adults need to realize themselves in reality. If we can experience games as much as we want in childhood without interference, then we will grow up to be uninterested in playing games because we feel that virtual success is a waste of time. But when he was a child, he was strictly restricted from playing games, and he would still be immersed in this virtual world after adulthood, to seek a sense of achievement in the virtual world, which is the real wasted life.
06 Finally, let's talk about the "addiction" of adults
"Home" is the wear and tear caused by avoiding relationships There are many people who are very "home" now, with very little interpersonal communication, preferring to deal only with objects or virtuals. Because, when otaku and others interact, the attention is placed on each other, constantly guessing what the other party likes, how the other party wants me to be, whether I have satisfied the other party, whether I have let the other party annoy me... In such anxiety and speculation, people will feel very tired, and even serious dizziness. The most serious of these, if you often feel that "no matter what I do, the other person will not like me" this will cause the fragile sense of self to collapse, which is like death. When the soul cannot dwell in its own body, the relationship is depleted. If in a relationship we have "whether the relationship is there or not; the other person likes me or doesn't like me; everything is okay." "Relationships are nourishment.
Insomnia, behind which may be loneliness Long-term severe insomnia, the reason behind it may be fatal loneliness. It was as if as soon as you closed your eyes, everything was over, only yourself, but inside yourself was empty and terrible. So I refuse to close my eyes, and I always have to think about something in my head, even if I grasp a very boring thing, it is better than touching my own inner void. This has a lot to do with the sleep experience in infancy. If, in infancy, you often fall asleep in the cold and helpless darkness, without the sweet breathing and milk smell of your parents, without the hugs of your parents, then this initial, cold loneliness and loneliness will write about the subconscious instincts of life. Therefore, whether or not you can sleep with peace of mind is the baby's confidence in "whether the mother has always existed and whether the mother will respond".
Shopping addiction, don't worry When you are addicted, it really seems that you can't self-discipline, just observe these, don't be harsh on yourself to become a self-disciplined person. Aware of one's own addictions, and deeply allowing oneself, everything will pass impermanently. Growth is not achieved by our efforts to change ourselves, but when we allow ourselves, it happens naturally.
Study psychology, we will find a lot of psychological problems in ourselves. Usually the first reaction is – what to do – and when asked this question, it's actually a defense – that we run away from the feeling of something wrong in the moment. It is to stay with this problematic feeling, to be aware of it, to experience it, to be aware of our beginning and our end. When you are fully aware, you will find that there is actually no problem that needs to be solved, and that what you call a mental problem, when you have enough permission, enough experience, will also pass impermanently. Then we stop wanting to change ourselves and make all kinds of choices with awareness, all good.