After the birth of the child, adults will unconsciously spoil them more, and they are more based on the needs of the child.
As children grow up, these pets seem to spoil them, confusing many parents about how to spoil their children without coddling.
Today we invited Ye Zhuang, a psychologist and the father of 2 boys, to talk about this topic.
A spoiled child
Some time ago, I participated in the recording of a parent-child variety show, and I was deeply impressed by a group of families during the recording.
The reason why this family is favored by the program team is because the parents can "accept enough" their daughter who has been the first to last in grade for a long time, and there is a feeling of "unconditional love".
At the beginning, I was very much looking forward to this group of families, because it was very desirable not to blindly take grades to require the parenting concept of children, but as soon as this family came on stage, I realized that the situation was not what I and the director group expected.
The little girl showed a very strong excitement in front of the camera: constantly interrupting everyone's communication, frequently attracting the attention of the outside world with exaggerated posture and loud screams.
However, when communicating with her or asking her questions, it is impossible to organize the language to express it very clearly, which has a huge negative impact on the quality of the conversation and the recording progress.
If I hadn't been an invited expert, but a show host, I felt like I would have been even more broken.
In the first five minutes of the recording, it was understandable that this was the child's "activity", but soon everyone except her parents was very irritable.
Image source: Stand Cool Helo
My professional sensitivity made me realize that this child should not simply be excited to participate in the recording of the show, she has a clear lack of inhibition of some of her cognitive and behavioral impulses.
But what makes me feel even more sad is that in the face of her daughter's performance, her parents are very calm, and have not done any obvious constraints and management, and when it is time to express their position, they have repeatedly emphasized:
ah! This child in our family is indeed like this.
She is more aggressive, more lively, too outgoing, hahaha...
She was more precious since childhood and respected her very much, so it was so sunny.
After recording the program, the camera brother next to me couldn't help but spit out: "It's all daddy and mom!"
For his ideas, I do agree with him in a sense, because whether it is this little girl or many bear children we encounter in our daily lives, a key negative impact in growing up education is "spoiling".
But the problem is that our generation of parents is prone to unconsciously "coddling".
Our childhood often experiences a more rigorous education, and there is a lack of positive acceptance in our hearts.
Influenced by some contemporary educational concepts, many parents choose to "love unconditionally", but this process is easy to be insensitive to the boundaries of love.
There are also some parents who will have this mentality: "I didn't have it when I was a child, I have the conditions now, I want my children to have it."
Many of the families I see who come to seek help have this problem – the main body of this idea is often the father of the child.
These situations will make us have a strong urge to make up for the lack of childhood, and then become very pampered in the process of parenting.
This kind of parenting seems to be no problem in the short term, but when children get used to interacting with people in this way, when they enter kindergarten, primary school, and enter society, the terrible consequences of doting will explode.
Studies have found that over-pampered minors are often less mature, less responsible, and more likely to be in line with peers' opinions.
Another study from 2014 showed that doting parents nearly tripled their child's risk of future alcohol abuse, the highest increased risk of alcohol abuse among all types of parents. This suggests that coddling also poses a higher risk of substance abuse in children.
Pampered and spoiled
Where are the boundaries?
Coddling, in the classification of "parenting styles" proposed by psychologist Diana Baumdlin, is classified as an "indulgent" parenting style.
Image source: Lilac Mom
In the parenting process, we need to respond to the needs of the child and give them support, but we also need to make demands on their behavior.
Parents who come to the counseling room usually ask them to do the following form to check whether they are doting.
The test is mainly used for parents of children aged 4 to 12 years old, you can check it out.
If the topic matches your parenting style more, it means that you are more inclined to "spoil" your children.
Coddling is actually to provide a "high support, low requirements" parenting environment for children.
Parents in this form of home-rearing are more less disciplined and restrictive about their children's behavior, and are more inclined to give their children endless freedom, allowing children to do as they wish.
In fact, this type of parent is actually less likely to actually participate in their children's lives.
They are actually "spoiling children" on the surface, and it seems that they have always had deep contact with children;
But in fact, the act of "spoiling" itself is like a transparent plastic film, which isolates the real in-depth interaction and heart-to-heart communication between parents and children, and even becomes an excuse for parents to feel powerless to raise children.
I just love her more.
We just have more respect for him.
We want him to be freer...
The establishment of parental authority is also often through the provision of material support or expression of love for the child, rather than discussing things and communicating rationally with the child.
This type of parent cannot provide their children with adequate behavioral guidance and rules, and correspondingly, minors in the family are more likely to form undisciplined behavior habits, which have an impact on life.
Three principles
Avoid spoiling your child
When counseling families in the counseling room, parents are more concerned about how to avoid coddling. I don't even know how to love my children at first.
When your child is not yet 18 months old, we don't have to worry about spoiling him too much, you can never really "spoil" a baby, just meet his needs.
Because for babies, the need for breastfeeding and physical contact is met in time to make them grow better;
Early life, experiencing stressful experiences, can have a very negative impact on their personal development and psychological growth.
But as the child grows up, his emotional state and social state change, and the situation changes.
In daily parenting and in the advice I give to parents who come to counseling, I put a lot of emphasis on taking children to understand the three principles of getting along with others: reciprocity, compromise, and empathy, so as to avoid being spoiled.
1
Teach children immediate reciprocity
The so-called reciprocity is mainly that children cannot become a black hole that devours all high-quality resources at home without having to pay anything.
Families who spoil their children too much often do not ask for their children to do housework, pack their toys and beds, or even ask their children to do things that should be done on their own: such as washing and dressing.
So in the process of communicating with children, I will guide children to understand reciprocity:
Because we are a family, we have done a lot for you, so we also hope that you can do something for us, something for the whole family.
Maybe you can help me get the courier outside the door into the house, or help us set up the table in advance. If you can take care of your own living, it will actually save us a lot of work.
2
Have your child try to compromise
Compromise is to emphasize to the child that sometimes some people's needs are more priority than theirs, and sometimes they have to give in temporarily.
For example, when there are guests visiting at home, put down the cartoon for the time being, go to say hello to the guests, or when the adults communicate, do not forcefully interrupt the dialogue of others.
I would recommend that parents who come to consult communicate with their children with logic and logic with their children:
A lot of times, we sacrifice ourselves so that we can get what we want, and we're willing to do it because we really love you.
Of course, we also know that you love us, so again, sometimes, you have to sacrifice yourself for a while, giving up some of your own requirements, in order to make us all comfortable.
In order for everyone to be happy, everyone has to give up some of their own interests a little.
3
Guide children to learn to empathize with others
Spoiled children often intuitively make unrealistic demands and ignore the feelings of others.
For example, you must grab other children's toys, or lose your temper regardless of the occasion because the requirements are not met.
Therefore, we must consciously guide children to think more from each other's point of view:
We respect your ideas and needs, and we know what things and what words will hurt you, so we will try not to do things that will hurt you.
We also want you to do the same to us and to others.
If the other person treats you like this, how will you feel? We shouldn't hurt each other in this way.
The expressions listed above emphasize more reason and principles; in daily life, we still need to combine the actual situation and the child's understanding to modify and communicate with the child.
When we continue to instill in them the concepts of reciprocity, compromise and empathy, we can naturally avoid coddling, but also allow them to achieve a better level of emotional and social performance, and make our love just right!
[1] McKenna and Gettler, 2016
[2] Montagu, 1968; Trevathan, 2011
[3] Shonkoff and Phillips, 2000;
[4] Shonkoff et al., 2012
[5] Verzello, Amanda. Teens and alcohol study: Parenting style can prevent binge drinking. News. Brigham Young University. [9 December 2014] .
Audit expert Chen Shi
Counselor
Planner: Lan Lan
Typography: Lan Lan
Title image source: Stand Cool Helo