Educating children starts with looking at themselves. Children's problems are all mappings of parental behavior.
- Mother Deer
◆◆ ◆
Author | Coke Mom
Source | Daughter Pie Original (ID: nverpai)
Last Friday, at 1 a.m., I suddenly brushed a circle of friends sent by my daughter:
"The tears don't seem to be very obedient, they always come out of nowhere."
The words are full of grievances and sadness.
I was stunned for a few minutes, just when I wanted to comment on something, but found that my daughter had deleted this circle of friends.
I walked to my daughter's bedroom door, knocked on the door, and asked softly, "Baby, are you sleeping?" ", did not get any response.
But I couldn't sleep.
I searched the Internet for the set of images she posted, and it turned out to be the work of a Japanese illustrator named Mimi N.
The painter's protagonists are middle school students about the same age as my daughter.
They seem well-behaved and naïve.
In fact, they are experiencing unknown verbal violence, meritocracy, depression, and so on.
Seeing this, my heart gushed with a strong sense of déjà vu, and my mind kept flashing various pictures of my relationship with my daughter.
Life is not an exam
Many times there is no standard answer
I remember that when my daughter was a child, she liked to draw:
Blue sun, red grass, and pandas flying in mid-air.
But every time my daughter excitedly showed it to me, I would always correct her one by one: the sun should be red, the lawn should be green, and how can a giant panda fly without wings?
Over time, my daughter rarely wrote.
In fact, where are the "standard answers" to many of life's questions?
After the snow melts, it can be water or spring.
The mission of parents is to understand and accept the uniqueness of each child, to pay attention to and care for the needs of the child, and to allow him to have the freedom to be himself and the courage to dare to be himself.
All knife mouths are knife hearts
At one point, I found my daughter's homework sloppy and miscalculations everywhere.
In a huff, he tore up her exercise book and said angrily:
"Write a fart like this."
From tomorrow onwards, you don't have to go to school, I really don't know how to give birth to such a thing as you! ”
In the evening, I went to my daughter's room to cover her with a quilt, but she was suddenly awakened, holding me and crying:
"Mom, I was wrong, don't you scold me anymore, okay?"
At this moment, I realized:
It turns out that parents' accusations, ridicule, denials, preaching, or casual evaluations and conclusions often bring children emotional and mental trauma, which is often more severe than physical harm.
Later, I also saw the research of a professor at Harvard Medical School who found that:
Children who have experienced verbal violence for a long time will not only be insecure, withdrawn and cowardly.
The structure of their brains can even change, affecting intelligence.
In fact, parents with knife mouths can never raise excellent children.
Only those parents who are good at appreciating and encouraging can give their children the confidence and motivation to transform.
Truly determines a child's life
Not academic performance
When my daughter was born, I said to myself:
I don't ask my child to take the first place every time, I just want her to be healthy and happy.
Unfortunately, as my daughter grew older, I seemed to forget my original intentions, and instead turned grades and scores into the only measure for her.
In order to meet my expectations, my daughter stayed at home on weekends and holidays, and spent all day at home reading.
At a young age, I put on a pair of glasses.
Later, once, the school held a sports day.
In order to encourage her daughter to exercise more, the class teacher reported her a 100-meter race.
Unexpectedly, because of the long-term lack of exercise, my daughter fell down after running for a few steps, and her mouth was full of blood.
While feeling sorry for my daughter, I couldn't help but reflect:
A child who is not strong, even if he learns well, is just a fragile learning machine.
Beyond the school, there is a wider world.
A healthy body, a sound personality, the ability to be independent and autonomous, and the love that are willing to go all out for it are the gifts we should give to our children.
Parents quarrel, and the biggest loser is the child
For a while, my father and I used to argue over trivial matters.
But the strange thing is that it was also during that time that the daughter, who was originally well-behaved and sensible, suddenly became extreme and rebellious, and even staged several scenes of running away from home.
For this reason, I was tired and felt that my daughter did not know how to understand adults at all.
But the girlfriend pointed out to the point:
"The real 'ignorant' are you adults.
In the eyes of the child, only if something happens to him, the parents can work together and stop arguing. ”
Psychologist Hellinger said that children are the protector of the family.
When there is a problem with the parental relationship, the child will even take the initiative to do something self-harming, so that the parents will turn their attention to themselves to save the parents' relationship.
After understanding this, whether it is an argument or a contradiction, I will not forget to tell my daughter:
It's not your fault, my dad and I will still love you as always.
Overwhelm the camels
It's never the last straw
Usually, I always feel that my daughter has some "careful eyes":
Didn't he criticize her in public, as for dying or living?
Didn't he just wrongfully accuse her once, as for not eating or drinking?
Didn't she just throw down her beloved toy in one fell swoop, and ignored me?
But in fact, the child's world is actually very small, and there is no earth-shattering event.
It is precisely the seemingly worthless little thing in the weekdays, accumulating over time, and finally completely defeating the child.
What makes the child even more painful is that until the moment when his defense line collapsed, his parents were still reprimanding him:
"This child's psychological endurance is really poor, and a little thing can't do it."
But forget that the child's collapse is not a momentary impulse.
It was because I endured for a long time and finally couldn't hold back.
Depression is a disease that only good children get
Some time ago, I saw a survey:
In 2020, the detection rate of depression among adolescents in China was 24.6%, while the detection rate of depression in rural children reached 25.2%.
When I talked to my friends about this, I couldn't help but sigh:
"You said that a good child, how do you say that depression is depressed?"
Friends are psychology students.
After hearing my doubts, she said:
"It's because you're a good kid that you get depression."
On the surface, they are worry-free, excellent, hardworking, self-motivated, and self-disciplined.
But at the same time, they are also the harshest self-punishers: once they find that they do not meet the expectations of their parents and teachers, they will attack themselves like crazy.
Until, surrender to depression and darkness.
In order to prevent children from being pulled into the black hole of self-harm, what parents really have to do is to make home a safe haven for their children, not a reef and shoal;
It is to accompany the child to defeat the problem, not to defeat the child with the problem.
Morbid busyness
It's scarier than doing nothing
I believe that many parents, like me, love to make schedules and eager to assign tasks to their children every minute and every second.
Watching the child complete a lot of tasks, I feel that he has a very fulfilling life every day.
But in fact, this behavior is destroying the child's concentration.
As the book Focus: The Amazing Power of Flow points out, concentration is actually an energy.
Frequently switching tasks, doing things you are not interested in for a long time, and having no goals will quickly exhaust your energy, making it difficult to complete tasks with high quality.
It's not scary to slow down, it's scary that parents can't see their children idle.
As Romain Rolland said:
"Instead of spending a lot of time and effort digging many shallow wells, it's better to spend the same amount of time and energy digging a deep well."
"You have to be obedient"
It's a scam that has been passed down from generation to generation
In the past, one of the sentences I used to hang on my lips was:
"If you don't obey any more, Your Parents won't want you!"
But later, I found out that my daughter, who was well-behaved and sensible on the surface, had already been pouring rain on her heart:
Someone bullied her, and she didn't dare to fight back, because she was afraid of conflicting with others; someone asked her for something, and she didn't dare to refuse, because she was afraid of making others unhappy.
Watching my daughter often deliberately ignore her own feelings in order to cater to others, as a mother, I am both distressed and regretful.
At this time, I saw a passage in the book like this:
Every child has a desire to attack and a desire to control.
Those children who seem to be "disobedient", when they encounter what they want, they always rush forward to fight;
In the face of unreasonable demands, they also dare to say "no" out loud.
It is precisely because of this that they can live more freely and wantonly than obedient children in this life.
It turns out that truly far-sighted parents never have to be well-behaved and sensible to restrict their children, but retain their occasional "willful" power.
Childhood is the "R & D department" of the whole life
Biologists have found that the longer the species in childhood, the higher the IQ.
Of all living things, humans have the longest childhood, so we are the most intelligent species and have evolved to be the masters of the world.
But all along, in order to let my child "win at the starting line", what I have done is to deprive my child of childhood:
Before "double subtraction", give her one kind of tutoring class;
After the "double subtraction", he assigned her an endless examination paper and sent her to learn various specialties.
As everyone knows, as a parent, the most difficult thing is not to force the child to become a spear and let him fight in the competition;
Instead, it became his shield, shielding him from the anxiety and stress that came from the roar.
Give your child a chance to get close to nature, and her imagination can take wings;
Give your child a little time to build a snowman, and her hands-on ability can increase day by day;
Let the child grow up in the laughter of her peers, so that she will not lose the ability to get along with others...
A long and beautiful childhood is the real "research and development department" of life.
If a child wants to have extraordinary creativity, courage to explore, and the ability to achieve happiness, the most important thing for parents to do is to guard his childhood.
Someone said:
The child's growth is a process of three steps forward, two steps back, five steps forward, and three steps back.
I believe that the same is true of parenting.
Children are children for the first time, we are also the first time to be parents, we are all in a tortuous way of exploration, accompanied by another life to feel the power of breaking the cocoon into a butterfly.
During this time, children need more than just teachers.
It is also a friend who can lean down and give children love and trust.
So, whenever you want, remember to tell your child:
"Dear baby, I am no better than you.
I can't give you anything but love, so please give me more time so I can learn to love you. ”
*This article is original to the Daughter Pie. My family has daughters, and there are women who do everything. A parenting platform that millions of parents follow. *Some of the pictures in this article are from Figureworm Creative.