The recommended article of the 639th article of the Jane Book
The author of the jane book is | Venlafaxine,
It was the thirteenth day he had run away from home after a quarrel with his wife.
To be honest, he wasn't worried or in a hurry.
He used to talk to himself, like Liang Chaowei in "Chongqing Forest".
He said to the fat pants: Look at you, you must have been sneaking food behind my back recently, what kind of fat have you become?
He said in the mirror: Tell you not to stay up late, you look at the red blood in your eyes, walking on the street will frighten people.
He said to the razor: "It's been a long time since you worked hard, no way, my beard has been too lazy lately, they just want to give it to my face for a while."
He said to the phone: Hey, is the light in your upper left corner broken, why doesn't it always light up?
He said to the door that was about to be closed: I'm going to work, you look good.
"Bang!" The security door closed, and he answered with this sound.
That afternoon, he went to the annual faculty and staff recognition meeting of the whole school, and he would take the stage to receive the award on behalf of their department. Red draperies, colorful lights, solemn arrangement on the stage, the stage is full of seats, jubilant. He sat in a seat on the right in the front row of the audience, listening to the warm-up song before the meeting began, which was cello, somewhat familiar, but he could not remember the name. He listened so quietly that he felt a little trance.d'd
How many years have you lived like this?
The cello came to an abrupt end, the principal took the stage to give an opening speech, and then entered the award ceremony. As always, it makes sense.
He watched those colleagues who were usually dressed in suits and shoes, energetic and energetic on the stage to receive the award, naturally skillfully took a group photo of the award, spoke with full of emotion, and stepped down to sit down satisfied. This scene, which was repeated year after year, somehow felt so unreal in his eyes today.
Suddenly, he asked again: Who created this model?
A certificate, a certificate, an image on an LED screen can affirm the value of a person and define one. Then everyone continues to repeat the work day after day in the sense given by these things, without the slightest sense of what is wrong with it.
Just as he was thinking about it, the protagonist on the big screen on the stage changed into the face of a person he knew all too well, just now he had seen it in the mirror of his house. It's just that this face is cleaner, sunny, and has a sincere smile. He looked at himself on the big screen, and somehow felt so strange.
He gathered his thoughts, took the stage to receive the award after the video, and then prepared a thank-you speech.
Although his position is not high, but the speed of promotion is the fastest among the people around him, a big reason is that his language organization ability is very strong, whether in the usual work or on a major occasion like today, he can always logically and clearly and vividly say convincing words.
To put it simply, he is very good at saying.
Like the annual faculty and staff recognition meeting, he was the most anticipated speaker, his speech was always so funny and tearful, and he never prepared a manuscript.
This year, he stood in front of the microphone again, and the spotlight hit him once again in the face. He looked at the group of people in the audience, and to tell the truth, he had never seen this group of people clearly, whether on stage or offstage. He just looked around silently and didn't speak.
The leaders and colleagues in the audience all sensed that something was wrong with him today, but they were unclear.
He suddenly withdrew his gaze, smiled, and began to speak. As always funny, humorous, passionate, tear-jerking, on the stage he is still the same him, confident, calm, generous, once again attracted everyone's attention. There is no doubt that this is another wonderful and impeccable report.
In a round of applause, he ended his speech and stepped off the stage.
It was nearly five o'clock at the end of the conference, and it was always early in the winter darkness in the north, and when he walked out of the auditorium, the street lights were already on, and there were snowflakes in the sky.
He walked to the parking lot, sat in his car, turned on the warm breeze, and just sat and looked out the window, it was only five and seven o'clock, his wife should not be back today, and he did not have to rush home.
In general, he still prefers the working environment of the school, he is a person who is far older than his age, it is not that he wants to do this, or how much he has experienced to make him like this, some people are born to live like this, no matter how they struggle the day after tomorrow is useless. He understood this one day a long time ago, but he still wanted to do something futile, so he put himself in such a relatively young and vivid environment.
In addition, after several years of groping, he knows where his strengths are. He can tell stories, he can reason, he can observe everyone's heart, as long as he wants, he can almost make anyone feel that they see each other and hate him, and he slowly likes his own ability. So, later he felt that the profession of teacher was too suitable for him, that the unworldly, fantasistic students were always the best to deceive, and he was an almost perfect liar.
What does goodness come from? Beauty comes from lies.
Over the years, he has spoken more and more, and sometimes he himself feels surprised, although most of the time he is insincere, but those pearls can be spoken naturally. He didn't know what was wrong with him, whether it was a good thing or a bad thing, all he knew was that he was getting lonely.
Lately, this feeling has become as intense as a chemical reaction with time, like he was standing in the spotlight on the stage today, in fact, at that moment he didn't want to say anything, he just wanted to stand so quietly, to see the faces and expressions of everyone below, and then silently stunned.
The problem is that it is not that you don't know how to express it, but that you don't know what to express.
He felt that he might be sick.
Three or two students walked past him with school bags on their backs, staring at their backs and reminiscing about his college career.
At that time, he was not very rich, and his ordinary origin made him feel that everything was out of reach. He worries that he will not be able to find a job after graduation, even if he finds an ordinary job with that meager salary for a few years to buy a car of his own, as for the house, he thinks he may have to pay rent for the rest of his life. He didn't dare to dream, he didn't dare to chase the girl he liked without reservation, he didn't dare to try many things that he thought were beautiful. Because he is poor.
In those years, he had not told anyone else that the blue sky in the eyes of others had always been gray in his eyes, and he did not know where it came from, so he was so stubborn that he thought that his life was over.
Later, he graduated, looked for a job, crawled and rolled, choked in clear water, rolled in blood, soaked in salt water, he did not want to live to understand, just wanted to live. To this day, he has everything he should have. Life, it was like a joke with him.
He remembers that he had always dreamed of buying a BMW on his own, even if he had to pay off his car loan for many years. Now, he looked at the BMW logo in the middle of the steering wheel and always wanted to laugh. Laugh at the cautious and cynical self of the year.
He looked at the willow trees in front of the car window, the dormitory building and the fluttering snowflakes, thinking that if he had been himself, he would have come out to take pictures with the SLR, yes, that SLR was the only luxury he had in the whole university, spending all the university scholarships and national scholarships he had accumulated in the university, and he protected it like he loved his own life.
At that time, his dream was to become a photographer, to go to the ends of the world and make home. And the profession of a teacher, which is stuck in a small square desk, is the profession that he most dislikes and vows never to engage in.
He remembered that at that time, he always took advantage of the usual lack of classes and Saturdays and Sundays to linger in every corner of the city with his back, he photographed the blossoming of a tree in the spring, the dappled tree shadows and the skirts of girls in the summer, the valleys full of autumn leaves in the city scenic area and the river reflecting the autumn sun, the first snow under the street lights in winter and the sunset behind the teaching building.
He photographed the remnants of the ancient city walls in the glass buildings lined with high-rise buildings, photographed the light rail tracks that were always out of sight, photographed the black T-shirt boy playing guitar on the overpass at night, and photographed everything he found beautiful and moving. He also remembered that he had submitted his photos to many magazines, and one magazine had even sent him an invitation, which made him excited for half a month. The contact number of the magazine, which he still has on his phone.
Now he may start a lens will be higher than the price of the entire SLR that year, but what is the use, he has not photographed for a long time, that day he wanted to transfer the photos in the camera to the mobile phone a few, but found that even how to connect the mobile phone and the camera will not be. At that moment, he was both self-deprecating and tasteless.
He saw a boy on the other side of the road wandering under the street lamp under the women's dormitory, and he knew that he was waiting for a girl.
He suddenly remembered that before his current wife, there was another girl in his life who had left a deep mark on him, and he had also wandered under the street lamp under the floor of her dormitory on a winter night with snowflakes, waiting for her to come downstairs, not because it was too cold, and standing there all the time would be frozen.
He vaguely remembered that it was a girl he liked very much, and as long as it was her request, there was hardly anyone within his ability who did not satisfy her, except for one thing. He remembered that the girl always wanted to teach him to smoke, but he never learned, no matter how she laughed at him. He always said at the time that he was afraid that he would not be able to stop learning, and he wanted to live for two more years.
In fact, he knew that this was not the case, he knew that he and the beloved girl would not have a future, he poor boy could not give her the life she wanted, no matter how he went to cheer himself up, the reality was there, he could never do it to pursue her in spite of himself, and he could never stand beside her with peace of mind. He didn't want to be separated from her, lonely and smoking one cigarette after another.
When you are young, you always like to say forever, and you also have a deep-rooted belief in your mind that it is forever, if you use your current thinking and attitude to look at and deal with it, will things be different?
Will it be different? He shook his head, not wanting to continue thinking about it.
His current wife was the first student he had brought, and from the beginning, in his heart, she was not a good woman.
He remembered one time on her birthday, calling him in the evening to come to dinner, and he went to attend as a teacher and brought her a bouquet of flowers, and that day she was drunk and dragged his arm to let him take her away. He knew that she wasn't drunk, she just wanted to sleep with him.
At that time, he had just joined the company as an unorganized lecturer, and he was not a few years old with the students, so he did not feel that there was anything wrong with the relationship between teachers and students, he knew that she had ideas about himself, and he knew that he did not like her. He knew what was going to happen to her birthday party that night, but why he went anyway, he didn't know either.
But when the two of them were lying on the hotel bed, he stopped her, and he only said, I am your teacher, we can't do that.
She was very touched by the loss, but he knew that he was just a excuse.
Later they still got married, not because he wanted things to develop that way, but because he felt as if things should develop that way, maybe age, maybe loneliness, maybe even for his parents, he was going to get married. Only, not because of love.
Speaking of his parents, he remembered that when he graduated from college, his parents paid him a mortgage down payment for his life's savings, and that night he drank too much, incoherently telling his parents that he would work hard in the future, and that when the career became a good return to them, his parents just touched his hand and smiled. At that moment, he knew that he owed them too much and could not return the favor in this life.
After marriage, his wife and parents were at odds, he was embarrassed at both ends of the middle, his parents were distressed by him, they avoided his wife in everything, and nothing extremely important came to his house all year round, as if they had forgotten that the house was bought with their hard-earned savings for a lifetime. Every New Year, I have to go to my wife's parents before I can go back to my parents to visit. He vaguely remembered that what he had promised was that he wanted his parents to enjoy the happiness of their children and grandchildren on their knees and the happiness of the family.
He sighed at the thought of this, but then smiled lightly, this year he had a quarrel with his wife, who was not at home. Seeing that it is almost the New Year, it is better to go home and accompany your parents for the New Year.
There's been a single loop in the car called "Old Memory," and the tempo is so gentle that he's enjoyed listening to it lately.
He pressed the window down a slit, and then took a box of cigarettes out of his bag and smoked them on a point, and after all these years, he still couldn't smoke, but he always carried a box with him, just like now, and occasionally lit one and let it burn there alone. This, he thought, might be the way he smoked.
In recent years, all his life has settled down, he is no longer so busy and busy, as he was many years ago, he is at a loss about the road ahead, but his heart is becoming more and more empty. He always felt as if the peaceful life now carried a hallucinogenic poison, eating away at his life and emotions little by little.
He wanted to change, and yes, he thought he was only thirty-three years old, and everything could be changed.
He can quit his job as a teacher and work as a full-time photographer, and he still has some savings to support him for an unpaid life.
He can get a divorce, and while he doesn't have children yet, he can get out of this marriage where he has no feelings, he's still young, and he still has the time and energy to find someone he loves.
He can spend more time with his parents, yes, he knows that his parents have never asked for anything from him, and as long as he is willing to make up for it, he will definitely be able to make a difference in their living conditions.
Yes, that's how it should be, it should have been this way a long time ago. He thought, and gradually there was light in his eyes, and his body trembled slightly with some excitement.
He can't wait, he's going to put it into practice now, he can't give himself any more time to hesitate and back down, he's going to call the leader now to say the idea of resigning.
He glanced at his watch, and it was now five thirty-seven, and it wasn't too late to disturb anyone else's rest.
He took out his mobile phone, but the screen lit up, the leader's phone called first, he answered, and heard the leader's familiar voice:
"Little Jane, there is a work report meeting for teachers in major colleges and universities in the city tomorrow, and after discussions between me and other school leaders, I have always agreed to elect you to represent the young teachers of our school to participate in tomorrow's conference, everyone knows that you have a level of art in your speech, you can perform well tomorrow, and give our school a boost." Things are notified in a bit of a hurry, so you go back tonight and get ready. This kind of opportunity is not easy to come by, it will be of great help to you in the future evaluation of the title, the school leaders have given you the opportunity, you have to cherish it! ”
He was silent over here with the phone, the passion he had just had diminished by more than half, and he was struggling.
The other side of the phone is still asking:
"Hey, little Jane, did you hear me, is it a bad signal?"
He smiled bitterly, changed his warm expression and tone of voice and replied:
"I heard the leader, but just a little surprise did not react, you can rest assured, I will perform well, I will be well prepared to go back tonight, when the time comes, I will send you a copy of the PPT, you can rest assured, I will not shame the school!"
He hung up the phone, looked at his own smiling, twisted face in the rearview mirror, and said to the mirror:
The way you laugh, it's ugly.
Then he opened his address book and deleted the phone number of the magazine he had kept for nearly a decade.
The phone screen vibrated again, it was the wife's WeChat.
"Honey, I'm pregnant, let's stop arguing. I have been at my mother's house for a while, tomorrow you will come over, we will celebrate the New Year at my mother's house this year. At the end of the year, let's travel, and before our children are born, we will go to our two-person world. Love you. ”
He knew that the mom she was talking about wasn't his mom.
He clicked on the chat editing window and repeated the wording he had just thought of, and he was struggling.
But in the end, he only sent out a "good" one.
Just for the sake of the children, he thought. He had cheated on so many people over the years, including himself, that he didn't care this time anymore.
He picked up the phone and found a phone that had not been dialed for a long time, and every "beep" sound in the phone was like a knock on his heart, and he prayed that no one would answer, but he also knew that there was only this phone number in this world, and as long as he dialed, he would be answered.
The phone rang, he didn't speak, he was struggling.
He laughed again, laughing with tears in his eyes, and then said:
"Hey, Mom, it's me.
I'm not going home for the New Year this year.
Well, work is busy, next year will definitely accompany you.
Well, then you and Dad are fine, take care of yourself,
Well, then don't talk about Mom."
He hung up the phone and looked at himself in the rearview mirror, tearful, not wanting to say anything.
The smoke in his hand had burned out, and he glanced at the time, and it was fifty-two o'clock, and it was time to go home.
When he drove into the door of the community, he found that the lights in his house were on.
Oh, it's the wife back.
His low mood eased slightly, and he sorted out his emotions and expressions in the elevator, and then knocked on his door with a smile, waiting for his wife to open the door.
"Dangdang"
He suddenly remembered that there might be no electricity when he left home today, the lights in the living room were not turned off, and it might be that there was a call now, so.
But it could also be that my wife is back and she wants to surprise me.
He continued to knock:
He was struggling.
Finally, his mood once again fell to the bottom. He took out the key and inserted it into the keyhole, turning it gently in a counterclockwise direction.
One lap.
Two laps.
That's right, the door is locked.
He opened the door and said to the bright, empty living room:
I am back.
No one answered him.
The door behind him closed.
"Bang!" A bang.
He took that as an answer.
-END-