I remember when I was a child, once my cousin asked me for the green wheat seeds that my mother had just made for me, and when I didn't give it to her, she ran to complain to my grandfather.
Grandpa came and directly ordered me to give it to her, but I still didn't want to, Grandpa grabbed the gourd scoop containing my wheat seeds with one hand, and threw it at my head, and the wheat seeds were scattered on the ground, and the gourd scoop was broken, and I ran outside and cried.
It was also from that time that I especially hated my grandfather, hated his eccentricity, and hated him for forcing me to do things I didn't want to do without saying anything. I also had a diaphragm between my grandfather and me.
Later, when I grew up and understood things, this matter also turned the page, after all, family affection is constantly separated. There was any deep hatred, but it was small at the time, but it was just angry.
Now it seems that many parents make the same mistake in the process of educating their children, that is, ignoring their children's feelings.
Tonight I had dinner with friends and talked about my kids. Xiao Min said that the child called her and she said, "What's the matter?" The child replied, "It's all right." Then she said directly: "It's okay to go back to class, it's time to learn, what to do." ”
She said this, I do not agree with her approach, and criticized her: "It is not easy for the child to call you, she has to queue up at the public telephone for a long time, at that moment she must be thinking of you, or have something to say to you, but the child understands things, has become accustomed to reporting good news and not worry, so he said it is okay, how can you bear to say that to the child like that?" ”
With that said, she realized that she really wasn't paying attention to her child's emotions and feelings.
Imagine if we called someone we missed and he picked up the phone and said, "What's the matter?" "Are you still in the mood to continue?"
The message you get from him is: What phone calls are you okay with? The child is very sensitive, so she will choose to say the words to the mouth and swallow, we habitually ignore the child's feelings, she is not willing to communicate with us, she will think that it is useless to say, anyway, you do not understand, do not want to listen.
Swallow said that her 3-year-old daughter Amy was particularly happy when she once blew bubbles, not realizing that the snot was flowing, which is normal for a 3-year-old child. When Amy dragged her nose excitedly asked her: "Mom, do you see me blowing bubbles beautifully?" Swallow said, "Look at your snot, it's disgusting."
For a while, in the kitchen busy she could not hear the child's voice, to the living room to see, Amy was sobbing quietly, Swallow did not realize why the child was crying, asked the reason, little Amy said grievances: "You say I am not beautiful, disgusting people." ”
Swallow, who explained the reason, quickly said: "It's not that you're not pretty, mom is saying that you're not pretty with your snot, let's wipe the snot and continue to blow bubbles," At this time, little Amy smiled and continued to play.
You see, this small thing, which is not worth mentioning in the eyes of adults, will hurt the young mind of a child.
We really have to learn the skills of communication with the child, and listen carefully to the child's words, understand him, and empathize with him as much as possible, so that the child will not be cold to the parents in adolescence, and the parents will not be just a cash machine in his mind.
As parents, we want our children to dare to express themselves and express themselves fully. We must also learn to listen, accept our children's imperfections, accept ourselves, and learn to be wise parents. So what is it said that children are willing to listen?
One
No accusations
For example: "Why are you so careless, such a simple question can be wrong, want to kill your mother?" ”
"You see, just a little bit of work you grind and rub, when are you going to do it?"
Problem: Frequent accusations will make children afraid, afraid and unwilling to communicate with their parents.
Two
No nagging
For example: "How many times have I told you that you should wash your hands before eating and after going to the toilet, you just don't listen." Look at your clothes, why not pay attention to it? Adults are so busy, can't you just obey and talk about hygiene? ”
Problem: Repetitive rambling, distracting the focus. Specific requirements are unclear. Over time, the child gets bored and can't play a role at all.
Three
Not judging
For example: "Come here!" Teachers have criticized you by name, which shows how bad your recent learning situation is! The child wanted to defend, and the father said: "You don't have to find a reason, do you think I don't know, you are not at all absent-minded when you write your homework, thinking about how to play every day!" ”
Problem: There is no opportunity for the child to express his or her thoughts, and the child's behavior is judged entirely based on his own thoughts. This will make the child feel that dad only cares about grades and doesn't care what happens to me.
Four
Not negative
The child wants to share with you the diary written today. You didn't look at the specific content, and found that the writing was not neat: how do you write this word, twisting and twisting, the teacher is definitely not willing to look down!
Question: When your child is willing to take the initiative to share or communicate with you, don't pour cold water on it. Speak in denial. No one likes to communicate with people who always deny themselves, and expressing dissatisfaction first can only make the child feel that you are on the opposite side of him and resist communication.
We have to accept the child's emotions first, and then deal with things. No matter what happens, pay attention to your child's emotions first, help your child channel your emotions, and then deal with the problem.
If you think about it, usually, it is often the parents who can fully express their ideas, express their opinions, and even vent their emotions. For example, the child's teacher said that his grades had recently declined and that he had not performed well in school. We should sit down with the child first and understand what has happened to the child recently from the perspective of care.
Five
Describe the facts and feelings
Rather than blaming and criticizing, you only describe the facts you see and your feelings, which will actually make your children realize their problems.
For example: a child playing football in the living room, accidentally breaking a more expensive vase,
You have to tell him: "Mom knows that you accidentally broke the vase, and you are scared and ashamed, so what are we going to do next?" ”
You call him to clean up the mess together, let him feel the warm field around him, and let him learn to take responsibility for his actions. After that, he knew he shouldn't play football in the living room.
1
accompany
Why your child doesn't like to talk to you all the time, or if you want to communicate with him and don't know what to say, the problem may be that you have to spend more time with him and spend more time together.
Such as: reading books together, doing games, traveling, doing housework, etc., can be. After reading the book, talk about the content of the book, and after playing the game, talk about the fun of the game. Easy to get closer to your child.
If you can start by affirming and encouraging him, it is easier to create a good atmosphere for conversation. Also, invite him to do something together to increase interaction with the child. This can help parents and children get to know each other better.
For example: "Today my mother wants to cook for her family, and she needs a helper, are you willing to do it with your mother?" ”
Learning the skills of communication with children, caring for children's sensitive and fragile nerves, and creating a good communication atmosphere will make family relations more harmonious.
Edited | Chen Yuanlong
Image | Chai Haohong
Check the | Dawn moon
Some of the pictures | Source network