Many people are giant babies in intimate relationships, and so are you?
What is a giant baby? That is, people who are physically mature, but psychologically immature.
Immaturity in intimate relationships is mainly manifested as the first level of "attachment self-awareness stage" and the second level of "independent self-awareness stage". It is only at the third level, the "stage of consciousness of others", that our cultivation in intimate relationships can be regarded as reaching the stage of maturity.
Level one
Attachment to self-awareness
First, what is self-awareness?
Self-awareness means that a person can be aware of his own existence and realize that he is a different individual from others and other things.
Therefore, a person with self-awareness will clearly know that he is Zhang San, not Li Si, and know that he and Li Si are two different individuals.
So, when does a person's sense of self form?
It is produced around the age of 1.
The way psychologists use to determine whether a living being is self-aware is the "mirror test." That is, by making people/animals look in the mirror to see if they can realize that what is in the mirror is Ta. If you are aware, you have developed a sense of self.
When we pick up the mirror and know that the person in the mirror is ourselves, or when we pick up the graduation photo, we can quickly find ourselves in the photo, which means that we have self-awareness.
According to whether it is dependent or not, we can subdivide "self-awareness" into two stages: "attached self-awareness" and "independent self-awareness".
Most people are in the stage of "attachment to self-awareness" in intimate relationships, and this stage is mainly manifested in three aspects.
Manifestation 1, lack of sense of boundaries
Because of the lack of a sense of boundaries, they will treat the other party's emotions as their own, tend to suppress themselves, absorb the other party's emotions, and finally often become an emotional trash can.
Because of the lack of a sense of boundaries, they often only focus on what the other party wants, and do not see their own interests, goals and values. Think that what the other party wants is what they want, so slowly, they will become what their partners expect, rather than becoming their true self.
Because of the lack of a sense of boundaries, it will lead to unclear responsibilities and confuse their own responsibilities with those of the other party.
All this will make people at this stage prone to emotional kidnapping.
For example, when your lover says, "If you are always on a business trip and I can't stand not being by my side, you better change to a stable job within the system." ”
At this time, for you in the stage of "attachment to self-awareness", you will take responsibility for the emotions of your lover, so as to humiliate yourself and obey their ideas.
Manifestation 2, unstable self-worth
Self-worth is determined by the attitude of the other party
If you are at this stage, you tend to unconsciously let the attitude of the other person determine the size of your own value. If Ta is good to you, you feel worthy, and vice versa.
Fear of criticism, rejection, and abandonment
If you are at this stage, you will be especially afraid of criticism, rejection and abandonment, because once it happens, you will think that you are not worthy, that you will think that you are not good, and therefore you will come to the conclusion that "I have no value".
Prone to anxious relationships
When you put your own value on others, it will confuse your boundaries with others, so people in the "attachment self-awareness" stage often feel very anxious in the relationship.
And this anxiety will also affect them to manage a good relationship.
Performance 3, controlling love
People in the "attachment self-awareness" stage tend to let their love evolve into a form of control.
But actually: it's deformed love – I love you, so you have to be how to be. In this way, you are not only easily kidnapped by others' emotions, but also easily kidnap others with emotions.
For example, I have given so much for you, why don't you still love me? I've been so nice to you, but why can't you always accompany me?
At the same time, this so-called love becomes a tool for confirming itself.
At this time, you will find self-worth by reflecting yourself in others, the important thing is not that you love me, but by getting your affirmative answer, to help me confirm myself, to confirm that I am valuable.
To do this, you will constantly ask the other person: "Do you love me?" "What do you like about me?" "Such a question.
Level two
Independent self-awareness
After overcoming the problem of the "attachment self-awareness" stage, we enter the "independent self-awareness" stage, at which point our intimate relationship enters a new chapter.
Since it is an overcoming of the "attached self-awareness" stage, in the "independent self-awareness" stage, our performance will be diametrically opposed to the previous stage.
Performance 1, clear sense of boundaries
If you are at this stage, then you think: other people's emotions are someone else's, not mine. Therefore, you no longer become someone else's emotional garbage can, you can do separate your own emotions from those of others.
At the same time, you will think: what others want, does not equal what I want, I have my own interests, values and goals.
So, at this stage, you will start to be your true self, be yourself in your own eyes, and become who you want to be.
You will want to take responsibility for your own life, not let others take charge of yours.
Similarly, you would think that someone else's responsibility is someone else's, not mine. I shouldn't trouble others when I encounter things, I should carry it myself.
So, at this point, you might say, "My lover or partner has the right to know about my life, but they don't have the decision-making power. Whether they agree or not, they can't care after all. ”
Performance 2, stable self-worth
At this time, you no longer rely on each other to make yourself feel worthwhile.
So, in general, you think like this: whether you like me or not, treat me well or not, criticize me or praise me, it does not explain my value, my value is determined by myself.
As a result, you are no longer afraid of being criticized, rejected, and abandoned.
At this stage, your focus returns to yourself, and you are no longer dependent on others to confirm your worth.
Therefore, when you treat the relationship with it, you are no longer as anxious as before, easy to suffer from gains and losses, but can face the various problems, contradictions and conflicts that arise in the relationship more calmly and calmly.
Expression 3, free love
Unlike controlling love in the "attached self-awareness" stage, your love is more free love in the "independent self-awareness" stage.
At this time, you will not use love as a tool to control others, nor will you be controlled by the so-called love of others, nor will you use love as a tool to confirm yourself.
At this time, you generally think like this: I love you has nothing to do with you, it is my business; Your love for me has nothing to do with me, it's your business.
The above are the three outstanding manifestations of the "independent self-awareness" stage, although it has grown greatly compared to the "attached self-awareness" stage, but it also has its own problems.
Its problem is that it is easy for people to become "selfish" and lack "responsibility".
According to my observations, how attached a person is in the "attachment self-awareness" stage, how independent he will be when he first enters the "independent self-awareness" stage. In other words, Ta's performance will change from complete dependence to complete independence. That is, from one extreme to the other.
This independence, to outsiders, often seems too selfish. But there's no denying that it's also a necessary path for us to grow in intimate relationships. At the same time, it needs to be further developed to address the problems of selfishness and altruism, and how to deal with others.
At this point, we move on to the third level: the consciousness of others.
Level three
Awareness of others
The third level, the stage of awareness of others, is reached by overcoming the drawbacks of the stage of independent self-awareness.
At this point, we are neither dependent nor completely independent in our intimate relationships, but in a delicate balance.
If we are attached to self-conscious intimacy, then we are like conjoined babies, unable to distinguish between you and me, only us.
If we are intimate in an independent sense, then we become independent people, and at the same time there is distance and estrangement.
If we are intimate in the consciousness of others, then not only will we hold hands and hug each other, but we also have boundaries.
It can be seen that when we are at the level of "intimacy under the consciousness of others", our main manifestations are:
Performance 1, the sense of traversable boundaries
At this time, you have both clear boundaries and passages through them.
So, at this time, you can feel the emotions of others, clearly know that it is someone else's emotions, and at the same time you will want to express your concern.
At this time, you know what others expect from you, and you also know your own interests, values and goals. So you will not only fully consider others, but also fully respect yourself. Eventually, you'll strike a balance between what others expect of you to be and who you really are.
At this point, you will think that I am responsible for my life and you are responsible for your life, but our lives are intertwined, so I will pay full attention and understand our influence on each other.
Therefore, your thinking will be different from the first and second stages: the lover or partner has the right to know my life, but no decision-making power, I will fully communicate with my lover or partner about the situation I face, my thinking, and the choice, whether he supports or opposes it, and ultimately it is up to me to make the decision, after all, I have the right to decide in my life, and my lover or partner will participate in my life.
It is based on such a balance and full consideration of others that you at the stage of consciousness of others solve the problems of "selfishness" and "responsibility".
Performance 2, comprehensive self-worth
At this time, you will think: my existence value, will not be added or decreased because the other party likes or dislikes me, is good to me or bad for me, on the contrary, it is always there.
Performance 3, responsible love
At this time, you will think: Although you are you and I am me, your every move will affect me, and my every move will also affect you.
Love is not control, but love is also not laissez-faire, love is to do as much as possible for the well-being of the loved one.
So, I love you, both my business and your concern.
When a person finally enters the "consciousness stage of others", he will become a very good love object and a very good marriage partner.
How to develop yourself
Maturity in intimacy?
So, how can you increase your maturity in intimate relationships?
1. Do a good job of separating topics
To complete the leap from the "dependent self-awareness stage" to the "independent self-awareness stage", the most important point is to do a good job of separating topics, that is, to establish "your business is your business, my business is my business; Your life is your life, my life is my life" way of thinking.
How to do it?
When you're confused, you can ask yourself the question, "Is this my problem?" Or someone else's subject? ”
For example, when you want to work in sales and your lover or partner doesn't want you to go, ask yourself - "Is this my problem?" Or is it a topic for Ta? ”
At this point, you will realize that this is the choice you have to face, this is your life.
And this choice is also a great opportunity for you to move from the "attachment self-awareness stage" to the "independent self-awareness stage".
2. Have a systematic perspective
In order to complete the leap from the "independent self-awareness stage" to the "other person's consciousness stage", the most important point is to have a systematic perspective.
What is a system perspective?
The system perspective helps you clearly see the elements of your system and the interactions between them.
When you can look at the problem from a system perspective, you can clearly see what is happening in the whole system, see how you interact with other people, and the chain reactions that occur when you interact with each other.
At this point, you can ask yourself three questions:
"How did my words and actions affect the other person? How did the other person respond? ”
"How did the words and actions of the other party affect me? How did I respond? ”
"How do we interact, how do we intertwine, how do we influence and penetrate each other?"
From a systems perspective, you'll find that your every move is not a single move, but will affect your lover or partner and the entire system of your relationship.
The other person will react accordingly and take a corresponding move, and this move will in turn affect you, and you will react again accordingly and respond accordingly.
So, when you start to look at the problem from a system perspective, look at others, and look at the whole, you gradually enter the stage of consciousness of others.
Final words
In fact, these three levels are not as clearly demarcated as black and white, but grayscale.
So, in the same person, different aspects of the three stages often coexist at the same time, but in general, there must be a dominant stage.
Seeing this, I wonder how you would assess your maturity in the relationship?
I hope you can improve your maturity in intimate relationships and have the intimacy you want.
Author Effie introduced: author of the book "Straight to the Essence", the manager of the "Efficient Thinking Improvement Course" of the "Fan Deng Reading" APP, Gallup Global Certified Advantage Coach and Trainer, and International Coach Association (ICF) Certified Professional Coach. The founder and chief writer of the 210,000-reader public account "Effie's Ideal", follow me, gain insight into the underlying logic, and build deep growth.
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