In the movie "The Best Life of a Coquettish Woman", there is such a classic clip:
In front of a plate of fried rabbit meat, the girl poured it into the boy's arms and said, "How can you eat rabbits, rabbits are so cute?"
The coquettish appearance instantly aroused the concern and love of the male protagonist.
On the other hand, the heroine eats happily, looking like a female man, and the two are in stark contrast.
Because of her crush on the male protagonist, the female protagonist had no choice but to ask her best friends and learn how to be coquettish.
But no matter how you learn, it's like Dong Shi Xiaofeng......
Although, at the end of the story, it is the final result of the male and female protagonists' years of crush, but what the audience remembers is the coquettish woman.
It's impactful, but thought-provoking.
Looking back on the whole plot, although the heroine has a tough temperament, she is soft on the inside.
In the relationship, she is shy, passive, and sensitive, but what she presents: a straightforward personality and the image of a female man.
In order to protect her fragile self, she erected a high wall of "female men" for herself.
This high wall protects her from being hurt, but it also blocks the flow of emotions and pushes away love.
This is also why she has worked hard for ten years, but she can't match the delicate sentence of others: "People's computers are broken".
Many women have a mouth that is 10,000 times harder than their heart
Not only in film and television dramas, but in real life, there are many women who are used to relying on themselves for everything, although they are also very tired and hard, but they will not show weakness and are unwilling to trouble others.
My husband is busy with work and can't accompany him for prenatal checkups, so he queues up and pays the bill by himself with a big belly;
When looking for a job in a foreign country, I would rather live in a hotel by myself than go to a friend's house to spend the night;
When the elderly in the family are sick, they go to work during the day and stay with the bed at night, and they are not willing to ask relatives for help.
Even if you are very sad and lonely, you are unwilling to tell the people around you, and you are not willing to seek comfort and care from others.
That's why there is a sentence on the Internet: A Chinese woman who must be strong in her life.
This seems to be a kind of ridicule, but in fact, it is more distressing and seeing women for women.
In the eyes of outsiders, they are strong and confident, even very successful, but deep down, there is a hidden vulnerability and anxiety, both afraid of intimacy and faintly longing for intimacy.
At the party a while ago, our friend W was drunk and crying, which stunned us.
"I'm really tired of having so many things to do;
My husband quarreled with me again, he said that he had no sense of existence, he didn't feel that I needed him,
Actually, I really want him to help me, but I don't know how?"
While crying, she took off her high heels and hugged herself with both hands, like a little girl who has been wronged and sad alone.
- In our eyes, she is a sassy and delicate goddess of coldness;
- In the eyes of her colleagues, she is a shrewd and capable workplace strongman;
- In her husband's eyes, she is the perfect wife who is independent and self-reliant.
Her hard work in her career also runs through her life.
Her husband was busy with work, so she moved alone, even if it was the tenth floor, I didn't hear her cry tired;
In the middle of the night, the water pipe at home was broken, and she couldn't make an appointment with a maintenance worker, so she squatted in the bathroom by herself to study the instructions, and she didn't complain if she was drenched in dirty water;
Even in the third trimester, she had conference calls with foreign clients until the early hours of the morning.
In our eyes, she is like a superman, able to cope with all the problems that come her way.
Unexpectedly, behind such a woman who never shows weakness, there is also a vulnerable side.
Behind those who dare not show weakness, there are many hidden things that are not allowed
Later, when W sobered up, she told us stories about her childhood.
W has a younger brother, and when she was young, her parents were patriarchal and didn't care about her at all.
is also going to school, her younger brother can go to a key school, but she is arranged to an ordinary school.
The younger brother could buy new clothes, so she was forced to wear old clothes that her relatives didn't want.
When she was in college, W did not follow her parents' advice to stay in her hometown, but chose a city thousands of miles away, and her parents were angry and cut off her living expenses.
But W is very competitive, has a good academic performance, and can get scholarships every year.
In addition to studying, other girls meet to go shopping and watch movies, while W is busy with various part-time jobs to earn living expenses for himself.
After entering the work, she is very diligent and able to endure hardships, and has been promoted all the way, and is now the vice president of a company.
The reason why I couldn't hold back that day was because some time ago, the child was sick, her husband was on a business trip, she was busy alone, and after her husband found out, he had a big fight with her, thinking that she didn't treat him as a man at all, and she didn't say anything about such a big thing as the child's illness.
She was exhausted, and because of a quarrel with her husband, she vented through alcohol.
She said: "In fact, behind all the seemingly strong things, it is my hard work. ”
During her childhood, her parents did not give her enough security. Even because of the preference for sons, even W's self-worth was deprived.
In the depths of W's heart, there is no one to rely on but on himself:
"Maybe because of what I experienced when I was a child, I didn't feel like I had a place at home, so I didn't rely on them, I had to work my own world;"
"When I was a child, when I cried, my parents would scold me, and I didn't dare to talk to them anymore, and when I grew up, I didn't like to ask for help, and I was afraid of rejection;"
"My parents think my brother is good, but I am not good at anything, and I want to prove to them that I can live well. ”
In W's upbringing, it's not okay to cry, it's not okay to be weak, because it's not allowed, so W puts hard armor on herself, and because of the love that she can't ask for, she breathes a sigh of relief in her heart.
This hardness hidden deep in her heart made her reluctant to accept help from others, and she was even more afraid that others would know her softness and vulnerability.
So when the child was sick, she would rather carry it alone, and she didn't think about calling her husband on a business trip for help.
And her drunken crying is also an expression of her desire for intimacy but fear of intimacy.
The more a woman dares to show weakness, the stronger she is
Writer Connie once said:
Many people have a misconception when it comes to networking: it's not good to cause trouble to others. But a moderate amount of trouble is the only way to establish a deeper connection.
Because no matter how capable a person is, he is also powerful and unable to support the moment, and learning to "trouble" can create opportunities to deepen the relationship, and when he is doubtful and difficult, he can get help and get twice the result with half the effort.
The same applies to intimate relationships, where women who show weakness are more likely to reap a strong partner and a happy family.
As said in the opening movie, coquettish women are the best.
In fact, it is not that it is really the best life to coquettish women, but that they will use the soft way of coquettishness to express their needs calmly and sincerely.
Compared with the tense communication atmosphere, coquettish can easily resolve conflicts and enhance mutual love.
And many harder women tend to sulk and pretend to be indifferent to suppress themselves, but in exchange for the result of losing both.
The French writer La Fontaine wrote a fable:
The north wind and the south wind are more powerful, and it is up to them to see who can make the pedestrian take off his coat.
The north wind was the first to come with a bitterly cold wind, and as a result, the pedestrians wrapped their coats more tightly.
The south wind blew slowly, and suddenly the wind was beautiful, and the pedestrians took off their coats.
So the south wind won.
This is the famous "south wind effect" in psychology, also known as the "warm law".
Women like the south wind, they know better that showing weakness is actually a gentle, but more powerful force.
Learn to show weakness in order to live your softness
When Mr. Defen was young, he was also competitive, he liked to distinguish between right and wrong in everything, black and white, and his tolerance and endurance for people were not enough.
But when she saw her inner deprivation, she also saw her own fear and desire for intimacy, and she learned to embrace her softness.
How?
First of all, it is necessary to recognize the fear of "showing weakness".
If you want to learn to show your softness, you must first be aware of your fear of letting others see your weakness.
Many hard-mouthed women don't understand that their unwillingness to rely on others is not because they don't want to, but because they don't dare.
To help yourself recognize this, try asking yourself the following questions:
Do you often feel isolated?
Do you put yourself in a very hard and tiring position because you don't dare to show weakness?
Not to be outdone, does "not to be outdone" always make you feel a deeper connection with your lover and friends?
Seeing your fear, staying with it, not ignoring it, not resisting it, not trying to dispel it, just stay in your body and feel it fully.
Second, acknowledge and try to communicate your fears.
Expressing your needs and vulnerabilities in your relationships with others can start by telling them how scared you are.
You can find a person you trust the most, such as W, who found his husband.
"My child is sick, and I would like to ask you for help, but I think you are on a business trip, and I don't think there is any need to bother you;"
"When I couldn't bear it, I wanted to call you, but because you were at work last time, your tone was very bad when I called you, and I was scared, so I didn't dare this time;"
Tell him about your emotions and things that you dare not express, as well as the factors that make you feel insecure when you want to ask for help, and analyze the sources of these emotions with him, which will provide you with effective help to further express.
Learning to show weakness is not to open one's heart completely, but to go deeper and deeper step by step.
When you prove again and again that your insecurity is superfluous, your sadness, your vulnerability is allowed, and your emotions are something that someone can catch.
Then the stronger your relationship will be, and the more natural your expression will be.
Intimate and deep connections will also occur naturally, and you need to know that interdependence is an essential nutrient for a relationship, not a burden.
Someone who truly loves you will also gain a sense of security as you seek support from him, as well as confidence in the relationship.
Mr. Defen's intimate relationship course is not only a strategy for dealing with intimate relationships, but also allows you to see a more authentic self, teaching you step by step to open yourself, show your vulnerability, tolerate your fears, and help you live a gentle and powerful life.
Bless everyone who comes "over the mountains and mountains" to live a soft and relaxed life.
*This article was created by Li Xiaodou, if you need to reprint, please contact for authorization.
Planning丨Li Xiaodou
Editor丨Li Xiaodou