Yu Minhong: Don't give the child a "crutch", so he is destined to not go far

Author: The main creative group, oops

My friend has been complaining a lot lately:

spent thousands of dollars to hire a tutor for his son, but his son's grades just didn't improve.

Not only that, but I also get angry with her every day, saying that I am not interested in learning, and it is better to buy a limited edition model and have more fun with this money.

Seeing that his son looks like he is not seeking progress, his friend hates iron and steel.

Seeing that the high school entrance examination is going to be taken next year, it is unknown whether you can go to high school if you don't study hard.

She doesn't want her only child in the family to lose at the starting line like this, being left behind by her peers, and not even having a chance to get ahead.

Hearing her say this, I felt sorry for the child.

At such a young age, he was burdened with such a big study burden, and he had conflicts with his parents for his studies...... If this continues, he will only reject learning even more.

Think about it carefully, in reality, how many children and parents spend their energy excessively on the anxiety of learning.

Although parents are thinking about their children's future, if they put their efforts in the wrong position, they may end up in nothing, and both sides will lose.

Parents' artificial boost is making children "turn treasure into waste"

There was a girl next to me who had just entered the first year of junior high school.

Since she was a child, her mother has enrolled her in various talent interest classes, Chinese dance, ballet, painting, pottery, host...... As long as it can enrich the after-school life, the mother is willing to spend money to invest.

He also told the teacher at the school, "If you have the opportunity, you can show it to your child, and she will do it." ”

In terms of studying, her mother often found practice questions and test papers in different places for her, and even studied the textbook knowledge of the senior grades in advance.

He always proudly shared his parenting experience: "My daughter, now she can do high school math problems, and she will not skip a grade in the future?"

However, in contrast to her mother's smug and ostentatious expression, this girl looks introverted, confused, and out of place.

Many times when I see her, she is either in an interest class, or she goes home to brush up on the questions, and basically doesn't play with her peers around her.

When you meet on the road, take the initiative to greet her, and she won't say a few more words to you.

I can't help but feel distressed, her mother has worked so hard to cultivate her, but she has raised her so unhappy and uncomfortable, this child is really prone to problems in the future.

It is the wish of every parent to hope that their son will become a dragon and their daughter will become a phoenix.

For this reason, everyone does not hesitate to spend a lot of money and riveting energy, all thinking of working hard to lift the child and give the child a better start in life.

As everyone knows, sometimes I use too much force, ignore the child's feelings and abilities, and accidentally raise the child.

In the hit drama "Child Slave", mother Lu Li forces her son to do questions every day.

Once I saw my son take a test paper with a score of 63, and his blood pressure soared instantly.

In front of his son, he framed the test paper, and did not forget to remind his son:

"I'm here to motivate you to tell yourself every day when you see this paper, you can't relax, you can't relax. ”

thought that his "hard work", how could his son listen to it and take action.

Unexpectedly, under the heavy expectation of learning, my son was overwhelmed, and the result was worse and worse in the exam, and he was afraid and retreated when he saw the study.

As parents, most of them are accustomed to pushing their children in their own way, driving them to keep moving forward and climbing up.

But psychologist Li Xue said:

"External drive can also drive a person, but it brings feelings of strife, pain and internal friction. People who rely on external drive to support their energy will not be able to sustain their energy, and sooner or later they will suffer backlash. ”

I think so.

In the first few years of a child, maybe he can move with a push, and he will have results when he pushes.

But in the long run, he was always driven by external forces, and slowly felt uncomfortable and uncomfortable, and the inner pressure rose rapidly, destroying his initiative and internal drive every minute.

Take the initiative to give the child crutches, don't blame him for not being able to run

Recently, when I was supervising the evening training of the school, I was surprised by the scene in front of me when I walked into the classroom:

Some covered their eyes with books and fell asleep;

Some brought two mobile phones, one in the mobile phone bag, and the other hidden under the table to secretly play the glory of the king;

Some are piled up in pairs, gossiping together, talking about things that have nothing to do with studying......

Ask them, don't have a book they want to read, or something they want to learn on their own?

They looked at me blankly: "It's too boring to study, and I don't know what to read." ”

Every time I hear a student say something like this, I can't help but think that these children have also passed the college entrance examination and passed the test to come here.

But how can you live so without purpose and direction?

It wasn't until I watched a video of Mr. Yu Minhong that I completely understood the crux of the problem.

Teacher Yu's son is not as good as his sister in his studies, and his grades have always been at the middle level of the class.

At first, he struggled and kept thinking about whether to hire a large number of tutors for his son and tutor him every day to improve his grades.

But then I thought about it and felt that it was always inappropriate.

Hiring a large number of tutors for your son is equivalent to giving your son two crutches.

What if he goes to college and all these crutches are removed, and he doesn't have the ability to support himself?

Even if he really relied on "crutches" to get his son into a world-famous university in the end, what if his son couldn't keep up with his studies and finally had a nervous breakdown?

In fact, Mr. Yu's worries and rhetorical questions are not unreasonable.

Because similar tragedies abound.

Child psychiatrist Wu Qi came into contact with a large number of "problem children" and found that:

Many children who listen to their parents and desperately brush up on questions, attend various cram schools, and are overdeveloped, in the end, have no way to develop the habit of self-exploration.

When you reach the senior year, you can't adapt to the new learning environment and rhythm, and it is easy to feel that the sky is falling, and finally you will be depressed, anxious, and break out into various mental illnesses.

Every child who is commanded by his parents will most likely find it difficult to live his or her own life.

Because his parents took care of his reading, homework, and studying, they saw that the stitches interfered with his every move.

As a result, there is no opportunity for the brain to play a role, it is all the parents' "you have to do this" and "you have to do this".

Slowly, the child's brain stops thinking and is replaced by stress hormones from the outside world, leaving no motivation to grow on its own.

Not to mention that under the expectations of their parents, they have the heart to urge themselves to continue to improve and work hard to become talents.

A good education needs to have a "sense of breathing"

Back to Mr. Yu Minhong's son.

In the case of his parents not intervening and not interfering, although he just went to an ordinary university.

But facing the pressure of the future world alone, he realized his shortcomings and began to work hard, and his grades became better and better.

From this, Mr. Yu came to a conclusion: to educate children, we must give them space and opportunities to learn and grow on their own.

It's like, don't always think about putting on a tight suit for your child, he doesn't feel comfortable doing anything he wants.

Instead, he changed into a breathable, loose-fitting garment so that he could overbreathe, breathe naturally, and run as far as he wanted.

In this ever-changing competitive environment, how to give children the freedom to grow up efficiently?

I give you 3 tips for your reference:

1. Plan in advance with your child and determine the goal that he can reach with one jump.

Parents do not be at the helm of their children, but they can be navigators.

After all, it is a person who has come over, and there are always some experiences worth reminding children to avoid children from doing all kinds of useless work because they have no direction.

If it is learning, communicate with the child to discuss what aspects are weak and need to be improved, or understand what goals and ideas the child has.

Then we make a study plan that is designed to help the child keep up with the progress and have a clear direction and goals.

It should be noted here that parents do not make a word, but are only responsible for sharing what their children may not consider, and as for how to learn and how to learn, they give priority to listening to their children's opinions.

After all, the child is the first person responsible for learning, and he should be given the opportunity to make decisions.

2. Excavate and cultivate children's interests and hobbies, so that they have the motivation to learn.

Someone once asked Liang Qichao: "What is your outlook on life?"

He said, "With fun as the foundation, mortals must always live in fun for life to be worthwhile." ”

Don't underestimate the impact and role of hobbies on your child.

When a child has something that interests him or her in addition to learning, he will feel that life is rich and varied.

Once he has the opportunity to come into contact with what he likes, his internal drive will also be greatly awakened, and he will naturally find ways to study, explore, and deepen without external force.

And this internal drive will stimulate his curiosity and ignite his motivation to learn.

A child who has experienced the taste of learning will eventually transfer his abilities to more difficult things, driving himself to progress and grow.

3. Let go of anxiety, correct your mentality, and be a watchman from afar.

Homeschooling expert Anxin writes in the book:

"What nourishes our relationship should be love, not expectation.

The final love is to allow the other person to be who he is, not to be what we expect him to be. ”

Be conscious, the child is the master of his own life, and no matter how much parents expect and intervene, they cannot replace him for the rest of his life.

Since the child has to live alone after the age of 18, the rest, such as how many points in the exam and what school he attends, are the child's creation, and he has to be responsible for this.

Believe in the child's inherent wisdom, even if he encounters difficulties and setbacks, he has the ability to self-repair and self-adjust.

The only thing parents can do is to give wise guidance and guidance in the process of shaping his personality and habits, and to help him when he needs help.

To be a watchman from afar, to care for the child sincerely and eagerly, and at the same time to give him freedom, he has the confidence and motivation to go far and high.

Writer Bi Shumin expressed this opinion in an interview:

"A child's life has its own trajectory, what he should bear, what he should experience, and he should have a complete experience.

As parents, we need to be enthusiastic about affirming children.

Let him explore the world, allow him to fail, allow his imperfections, and praise and support him when he needs help. ”

No matter whether the child is well-behaved and rebellious at this moment, whether he is motivated or backward, or he is full of energy and hesitates.

It doesn't matter, as long as we genuinely care for him, guide him with our hearts, and accompany him patiently.

I believe that one day, he will find his own direction, and he will continue to sprint forward at a speed of 5 times, 10 times, and 100 times.

At that time, he will definitely live more and more with a vision and more confidence to realize the blueprint drawn in his heart.