A few days ago, the drama "The Last Night of Zhang Ailing" was staged, and Zhang Ailing was played by Liu Xuehua in her later years.
65-year-old Liu Xuehua plays Zhang Ailing, a 75-year-old who lives in a small apartment in Los Angeles and is about to reach the end of her life.
Zhang Ailing is always the top of literature, but few people care about the moment when she quietly says goodbye to the world.
Screenwriter and director Yang Shipeng, combined with many of Zhang Ailing's works, conceived the script of this stage play.
▲ The scene of the press conference
As her actor, Liu Xuehua used her true feelings. The first time she read the script, she had a subtle sympathy, "Why is this character so close to me?" It felt like I was talking about myself. ”
Zhang Ailing's physical pain, loneliness in her later years, and her attitude towards love all touched Liu Xuehua deeply, as if she was looking in the mirror.
Before the famous relationship with Liu Dekai, Liu Xuehua had two relationships, which were not broken.
At the age of 21, the love object was a wealthy businessman surnamed Tao, 13 years older than her, addicted to mahjong, the two were not the same kind of people, and died without a problem.
Later, she fell in love with actor Zhang Peihua, which was also very short.
It wasn't until the filming of the TV series "Love in the Wind" that Liu Dekai appeared, and because of the drama, she was considered to have met the nemesis of fate.
Liu Dekai was in debt, married and had three children, until he couldn't hide it anymore, he confessed to Liu Xuehua and was forced to divorce, but she actually forgave it. Kindness is used by the wrong person, and it will be a knife that stabs itself.
After 6 years of entanglement, she even took out her savings of 30 million yuan over the years to help him develop his career, become a director, and seriously prepare for marriage.
But at the end of the play, what she was waiting for was a complete betrayal. Liu Dekai was filming abroad, and he fell in love with a French girl again, he didn't even have the sincerity and courage to communicate face-to-face, he just made a cross-ocean phone call and proposed to break up.
Liu Xuehua was pregnant at the time, and she couldn't withstand the blow, so she accidentally slipped and fell in the bathroom, losing her child and leaving huge wounds on her body.
Just when she was traumatized physically and mentally, 44-year-old Liu Dekai and his 20-year-old girlfriend were holding a grand wedding.
This kind of PTSD can be cemented to the extent that the heart can be sealed, but Liu Xuehua is very touching that she has not extinguished her own goodness because of the evil of others, has suffered fierce injuries, and still believes in the tenderness and beauty of life.
In 1999, Liu Xuehua and screenwriter Deng Yukun came together. Deng Yukun fell in love with her at first sight, and specially wrote two poems for her: "The ice heart is better than the snow, and the spring calyx is beautiful."
She was very brave and chose a flash marriage, it took only 3 days from being confessed to deciding to get married, and the registration date was chosen on September 19, 1999, which means a long time.
This man is 13 years older than Liu Xuehua, he does not have a handsome appearance, but he is sincere and considerate, and more importantly, the two can resonate on the spiritual level, they will talk from night to early morning, until the sky is white. When Liu Xuehua is not filming, he likes to stay at home and stay with Deng Yukun. They have no children, and Liu Xuehua gets along well with Deng Yukun's ex-wife's children.
Fate is full of impermanence, in the early morning of a summer in 2011, Deng Yukun fell from his home and unfortunately passed away.
At that time, the incident caused a lot of controversy, and some people said that they had heard an argument that day. However, the results of the police investigation showed that Deng Yukun accidentally had an accident because of the poor satellite TV signal and went outdoors to adjust the antenna.
The death of her husband hit Liu Xuehua hard, and she was often immersed in memories and has been living alone ever since.
In recent years, Liu Xuehua lives alone in Shanghai, accompanied by two dogs, do not go out unless necessary, and do not like to socialize, she herself said that she has not gone out to eat more than 10 times in more than ten years.
She doesn't know the road either, so she goes home as soon as she finishes work, and usually walks the dog no more than one street, for fear of losing the dog.
She doesn't use smartphones, can't shop online, lives with the help of a nanny, does the shopping by her brother, and her leisure is to play mahjong and watch TV, or talk to relatives and friends on the phone, living a minimalist life that is not like a female star at all.
E people and I people, strong people and light people, feel that the comfortable lifestyle is completely different, so no one can use their own preferences to judge whether Liu Xuehua's old age is happy.
▲ She herself said that she just doesn't like to go out, and it has little to do with being single Source: Tencent News
Sometimes getting out of a relationship quickly is a stop loss. At other times, persistent refusal to forget is also a kind of fulfillment of oneself.
The further back in life, the fewer passers-by there become, just like the verdant summer to the cold silence of autumn and winter. If someone and you have nourished each other deeply and remembered each other, it is a kind of possession in itself.
Don't say it, Liu Xuehua's emotional experience is indeed somewhat similar to Zhang Ailing.
The relationship between Zhang Ailing and Hu Lancheng began in 1944, when Zhang Ailing was 24 years old and Hu Lancheng was 38 years old.
Not only did they get married, but they also created the golden sentence that was worshiped as a god by hundreds of millions of literary youth: The years are quiet, and the present world is stable.
However, after less than 5 months of peace, the bridegroom was not quiet and not well.
Hu Lancheng rolled over in the pile of women, among thousands of flowers, covered in mud.
In his autobiographical essay collection "This Life and This World", he wrote about the most important 8 women in a highly narcissistic tone, in addition to Zhang Ailing, including the old-fashioned virtuous wife Tang Yufeng, Quan Huiwen, who suffered from mental illness in the end, Paramount dancer Ying Yingdi, Fan Xiumei, the aunt wife of her classmate's father, Zhou Xunde, a 17-year-old underage nurse, Yizhi, the wife of a Japanese landlord, and She Aizhen, the widow of a gangster in Shanghai.
From the day-faced wife to the gangster movie, he experienced it all. As for the dew love, there are countless of them.
He is frivolous, free-spirited, and behaves like a scumbag quote popular on the Internet decades later: no initiative, no refusal, no responsibility.
▲Hu Lancheng in old age
The female writer Zhang Ailing, mixed in, can't go to the village and can't go to the store, the despair of never seeing a home, what a great loss of talent.
Zhang Ailing went to Wenzhou to visit the fugitive Hu Lancheng, and saw through his adultery with Fan Xiumei at a glance, and her heart was like ashes, and she returned to Shanghai alone.
A few months later, Hu Lancheng's niece Qingyun brought Fan Xiumei to the door. Fan confessed: I am pregnant and have no money for an abortion, he said that if I look for you, you will definitely help.
Zhang Ailing went back to the house and took out a gold bracelet: "Lose it, exchange it for money, and go to the hospital to deal with it." ”
Later, Zhang Ailing wrote a letter to break up with Hu Lan, and also understood that he was poor, and attached a remuneration of 300,000 yuan for "Long Live the Wife" and "No Love" as a breakup fee.
▲Screenshot of stills from the movie "Once Upon a Time in Shanghai".
People say that she is cold and thin, but she is clearly the fiery of benevolence and righteousness. If it's really cool, you can live a little better.
In the autobiographical novel "Little Reunion", she wrote in a cryptic tone that her relationship with Hu caused cervical damage, leaving sequelae.
She has always been proud, but she is willing to write about this private disease, how honest and sober she is, and how she faces her past self.
In addition to her health, affection, and money, for well-known reasons, she suffered even more serious damage to her reputation, which became a stain that would be difficult to erase for years.
Later, when Zhang Ailing and Sang Arc got closer, they were almost one step away from getting married.
▲ The movie "No Love" caused a sensation as soon as it was released, and Sang Hong's Wenhua Film Company became famous, which was not only Zhang Ailing's first contact with the screenwriting industry, but also the first time the film company released a film, and the two sides have been connected since then
One is a famous director, the other is a famous writer, the year matches the like-minded interests, they are all so talented, it can be said that they are a match made in heaven.
But in the end, Sang Arc retreated. No one knows what he really thinks in his heart, maybe he doesn't love enough, maybe he doesn't have enough bravery, or maybe the literati value his reputation more than anything else.
Some ex-exes are ex-convicts, and some ex-convicts are ex-convicts.
Eileen Chang went to the United States in 1955 and met the German-American playwright Raiya the following year.
▲ Zhang Ailing and Lai Ya
Lai Ya is 29 years older than Zhang Ailing, with a warm and bold personality, but her economic conditions are very poor, and she can only live on a welfare payment of $52 a month. With him, the gifted female writer could not even have a decent place to live, and the two had to constantly move to find cheaper accommodation, even to the Brooklyn ghetto.
In the eyes of others, she must be crazy.
▲ Zhang Ailing's residence in Shanghai in her early years, Changde Apartment
Sadness and joy know herself, what Lai Ya gave must be the understanding and respect that she didn't have before, otherwise what would she want?
Soon after the marriage, Laiya suffered a stroke and her physical condition deteriorated. In order to make ends meet and help Lai Ya treat her illness, Zhang Ailing took on a lot of translation and creative work, which was very hard.
Professor Xia Zhiqing, a good friend, has always been opposed to Zhang Ailing's marriage.
Xia Zhiqing said two things - Lai Ya had had many strokes before and was hospitalized two years ago, but he didn't tell Zhang Ailing before marriage; Zhang Ailing was pregnant, and Lai Ya resolutely let her have an abortion.
Xia Zhiqing believes that Lai Ya is just like Zhang Ailing's father, which will only harm her health. She could have gone to find a partner of the same age and who was in good health.
Zhang Ailing is so smart, doesn't she understand this?
After a period of marriage, Zhang Ailing is no longer a simple creation, and likes academics again, once Lai Ya ridiculed Zhang Ailing "You read all garbage", Zhang Ailing immediately fought back and ridiculed the western script written by Lai Ya.
Judging by the "standard" love chicken soup on the Internet now, it is too bad to slander each other's careers like this.
But how can the standard of chicken soup cover the complexity of life.
It can only be said that the four words of sympathy cover all the fleas on the gorgeous robe of feelings.
The two were together for 11 years, and Zhang Ailing took care of Lai Ya until his death in 1967. His death was a great blow to her spirit.
In fact, she was financially independent, had a high income, and her popularity was undiminished, and overzealous fans even rummaged through her trash cans.
Her later life seemed bleak and autistic, but it was her own choice, she sighed, "On occasions when there is no one to hand over, I am full of joy in life." ”
She had moved more than 180 times in 3 years, and she always felt that there were lice and fleas in the house, and she was deeply troubled. Now it seems that there may not be any real bugs, it may be that she has a skin disease or a habit of cleanliness.
▲In 1992, Zhang Ailing's friend and her designated executor Lin Shitong received her last letter, saying that the skin disease had occurred again
Zhang Ailing couldn't eat rice in her later years, she vomited when she ate it, and most of the time she only scribbled on fast foods such as biscuits and bread.
Zhang Ailing, who Lin Shitong knows, doesn't like to do housework, in order to save trouble, the smaller the house, the better, running to the bank, shopping, and going to the post office, all on the bus route, and the whole person lives an almost simple life.
In 1995, in an apartment in California, the landlord felt that Zhang Ailing had not come out for a long time, so he called the police, and the police opened the door to find that she had been dead for seven days.
▲ A corner of Zhang Ailing's last apartment in Los Angeles
This ending makes all her readers uneasy, but it is undeniable that Lai Ya has existed, which is an important consolation for her in the second half of her life, and a necessary path for Zhang Ailing to become Zhang Ailing.
What young people need most in love is hormones. What middle-aged people need most in love is a sense of identity.
Someone on the Internet describes the feelings of middle-aged people like this: it is a kind of understanding and respect above understanding, it is the support of two souls in the lonely wilderness, you need not only a person of the opposite sex, but a soul that can communicate, with the same vision and love and hate, and peace that others cannot give.
When you are young, you have to be handsome, beautiful, flawless, enthusiastic, and matched.
▲Relive the beauty of the prosperous era
After middle age, I accept imperfect and impurity feelings, because all the gorgeous layers attached to the surface are peeled off, and I am already familiar with every taste of life, and I look at things more directly to the core of things.
The similarity between Zhang Ailing and Liu Xuehua is not only the fact that they live alone, have no children, and are thrilling talents or beauty when they were young, nor are they just the ups and downs of two marriages and love, and the loneliness of voluntary choice in their later years.
It is also a kind of compromise with fate, compromise is not admitting defeat, it is business as usual after accepting impermanence, since any kind of life is full of flaws, it is completely possible to "be satisfied alone".
It's like in Chinese painting, after the four seasons, the grass and trees are withered, thin, and simple.