Author: You Lijuan (Psychological Counselor)
Editor: Jia Fangfang
Source: Marriage & Family Magazine
01
The wife is chasing, and the husband is on the run
After sitting down in the consultation room, Li Jing's eyes were red: "Teacher, you help me talk about him, he is cold and violent to me all day long, ignoring him!" I said to her, "I can feel that you need to be cared for by your husband." At this time, Mr. Chen Hui looked up at the ceiling and said nothing. Li Jing couldn't wait to grab the corner of her husband's clothes, and wanted to take out the word "love" from his mouth.
I turned to Chen Hui and asked, "What makes you willing to accompany your wife to come for a consultation?" Chen Hui pondered for a while and then replied, "I just want to solve things." I asked myself if I had done anything wrong, and I had done my duty as a man. ”
At this time, Li Jing glanced at him, full of grievances: "You didn't do anything wrong, it's all my fault!" After speaking, tears welled up in his eyes. Chen Hui turned his face away irritably: "Crying can't solve any problems, why don't you understand any reason at all?" Controlling your emotions is a must for adults! ”
I asked Li Jing softly, "If your tears can speak, what does it want to say?" Li Jing said: "It wants to say, I want you to accompany me more, I want you to only pamper me." ”
I said, "Do you just want to say this to your husband, or have you ever wanted to say it to someone else?" When did it first start? Li Jing pondered for a moment, closed her eyes and replied, "From when I was very young, from the time my father left us. ”
Hearing this, the expression on Chen Hui's face changed subtly, and he seemed to know his wife's heart for the first time.
When Li Jing was 6 years old, her father died of illness, and her mother raised her alone. At the age of 23, Li Jing met Chen Hui, who was 17 years older than herself. The steadiness of Chen Hui made her appreciate the long-lost male strength.
At the beginning, everyone objected to Li Jing marrying Chen Hui, but she insisted on going her own way, and asked Chen Hui to make a promise: "You will always spoil me, like my father." Chen Hui, who was immersed in love, agreed.
After marriage, Li Jing asked Chen Hui to meet his needs at all times, and became his "pendant". When her husband got off work a little late, she would keep calling and crying no matter the occasion, like an ignorant child. This made Chen Hui miserable, except for reasoning, he was at a loss.
Li Jing said bitterly: "I thought he would love me very much, but he always ignored me and locked himself in the room and refused to talk to me." He promised me that he would take care of me for the rest of my life! I haven't had a father since I was a child, and he doesn't know, how can he do this to me? Chen Hui couldn't help but interject: "You should understand that there is no way to change the past. You have to learn to accept reality and learn to be strong. ”
Li Jing was about to retort, but I invited her to take a deep breath and close her eyes to experience her feelings. When she opened her eyes, I guided her: "Please look at your husband and slowly tell him your feelings, needs, and thoughts." ”
Li Jing took a deep breath and looked at Mr. "You always reason with me, which makes me feel very wronged." Mrs.'s calm expression made Chen Hui's heart soften, he lowered his head and said, "I didn't know that you were very wronged, before, you always cried hysterically, which made me a little scared." ”
I asked Chen Hui, "What does this fear make you think of?" Chen Hui smiled bitterly: "It reminds me of my mother, she is very emotional, she cries and makes a fuss at every turn, and always quarrels with my father." I hate women like that. But maybe it's my bad that they're like this. With that, he scratched his hair with both hands, his face full of pain.
This is the first time Chen Hui has expressed his emotions in the consultation room. Li Jing said with a little surprise: "You never told me, every time you cry, you ignore me, I think you hate me, you don't love me." ”
At the end of the consultation, I asked the two of you, "Have you come to understand each other better after this consultation?" At this time, I invite you to look each other in the eye and tell each other what is in your heart. ”
Li Jing said: "I only know now that you experienced this when you were a child, so when I cry, you will go crazy." At this time, Chen Hui's eyes were full of guilt. The middle-aged man was speechless for a while, and stretched out his hand to hold his wife's hand: "You haven't had a father since you were a child, you want me to love you more." ”
I gave them homework: "Go back to life, take a deep breath, get in touch with your feelings, and spend half an hour a day sharing your life and feelings about the day." ”
02
Self-satisfaction and growth together
For the second session, I invited the couple to share the changes this week.
Li Jing smiled and said, "The homework you assigned is for us to share each other's feelings, but he rarely speaks, basically I am talking and he is listening." I asked her, "What does his listening make you feel?" Li Jing replied: "It's good, I haven't cried at every turn this week like before." ”
I said, "I guess it's because of the flow of emotions, right?" Li Jing nodded. Chen Hui said: "She didn't accuse me, she just shared her feelings with me, and I would be more relaxed and willing to listen to her." "It seems that they are ready for change, and they also have a field for communication.
During this consultation, I told Li Jing: "If you entrust your husband with all your desire to make up for your father's love, you will weaken your self-responsibility as an adult and retreat into the infant state." Once you can't get love, it's easy to have a grudge against your husband and feel that you're a victim. The words made Li Jing fall into deep thought.
Because she lost her father at a young age, Li Jing has unmet expectations for her father, looking forward to companionship and longing for full love. Unmet childhood expectations can have a profound impact on an individual. In adulthood, in order to meet the unmet expectations of childhood, many people tend to pin their hopes on their partners, and fill the lack of love and security by asking them to meet their expectations.
chose Chen Hui at the beginning, in fact, Li Jing projected the lack of fatherly love on him, and this is the source of the problem, and it is also the reason why Li Jing keeps asking for love, and then it becomes an obstacle in the relationship between husband and wife.
I decided to guide Li Jing to explore what she expected of her father. I asked her, "When Dad left, you were still young, what kind of expectations did you have for Daddy?" Li Jing said sadly: "I look forward to my father being able to accompany me more and let me rely on me like a mountain." ”
I asked Li Jing to choose a pillow in the consultation room to be a stand-in for her father, and asked her to put the pillow on the chair in front of her, and told her, "I invite you to take a deep breath." At this moment, Dad is sitting in front of you, please tell him what you want to say to him. Li Jing burst into tears: "Dad, where have you been?" I want you back, I want you to take care of me. Years of thoughts and grievances poured out at this moment. Chen Hui looked at his wife, his eyes were full of distress and love.
When Li Jing gradually calmed down from her emotions, I invited her to swap the position of the pillow: "Now, you sit in the position of the father, you are the father, hearing your daughter say this to you, what do you want to respond to?" Li Jing said softly: "Daughter, Dad loves you, no matter where Dad goes, he will always guard you." After the treatment of the empty chair technique, the depression in Li Jing's heart was relieved.
Before leaving the counseling room, I said to her, "This week, you think of yourself as a 6-year-old girl, writing down the things you wanted your dad to do with you when you were a child, and doing them one by one. Then, I turned to Chen Hui and said, "If you want, you can accompany your wife to do these things." ”
A week later, the couple walked into the counseling room holding hands. "Can you share what you've done together over the past week?" Chen Hui spoke first: "She, like a little girl, asked me to accompany her to the playground and take her on a bicycle." Li Jing smiled on the side and did not speak.
"What did you feel during this process? What's in it? Li Jing said: "It turns out that being a little girl is so happy; It turned out that I could grow up and do what I wanted to do when I was a child. I remember, how envious I used to be to have a child with a dad......"
"Yes, each of us has an inner child who is part of us. As a child, there may be some shortcomings and regrets. However, it is impossible to turn back time. When we grow up and have the strength, we can satisfy ourselves, take care of our inner children, and make ourselves more empowered. ”
Then, I asked Li Jing: "What other way to take care of the inner child besides being accompanied by my husband?" Li Jing said: "I can go by myself or with friends." "Yes, in this way, you have 3 choices, and with choice comes power." "I also don't want to focus all my attention on him, because he's tired, and I'm tired."
In the follow-up consultation, I guided Li Jing to learn to take care of herself in life, and also helped Chen Hui deal with the emotional problems of her mother when she was a child. At the end of the last consultation, Li Jing said to Chen Hui: "I feel that I have really grown up and can take on many things on my own. Thank you, you are not my dad, you are my sir. ”
This article was excerpted from the May 2024 issue of Marriage & Family magazine
Original title: "Sticky Wife, Mistaking Her Husband for Father"