Text丨Fugu Personal experience is at the end
Let's use the simplest example to describe the most common accusation in life, two people are busy, but one thing is forgotten, then the other party will complain about why you forgot, and not blame yourself for forgetting, anyway, the fault must be the other party's.
The accusatory personality is especially common in couples' lives and often brings a series of conflicts. After all, no one wants to be an emotional trash can all the time, always carrying all kinds of pots and bearing all kinds of unwarranted faults. See if your significant other is also an accusatory personality.
Characteristics of the accusatory personality
When faced with a problem, the first reaction of people with a blaming personality is often to look for responsibility, that is, who is to blame, rather than solving the problem itself. They tend to blame others for the negative consequences of the incident and rarely look for the cause in themselves. This kind of person habitually looks for other people's faults when he encounters problems, and always feels that it is someone else's fault, and he is always right.
If you forget to throw away the garbage at the door because you are busy at work, when you come home at night and see that the garbage is still there, you will blame the other party, "Why didn't you throw the garbage away?" In fact, he forgot to throw it himself, but the fault has to be attributed to the other party.
The impact of the accusatory personality on life
Communication barriers
In a couple relationship dominated by an accusatory personality, communication often becomes a one-way blame game. One side always plays the role of judge, and the other side becomes the passive object of blame.
No matter what the occasion, even if it's just a small mistake or an innocent act, they can always find various reasons or excuses to blame each other. Excessive accusations make it difficult for two people to communicate normally, and I believe many people have heard and said, "Okay, okay, I'm wrong." ”
From having nothing to say to having nothing to say, the desire for two people to communicate has been greatly reduced.
Lack of trust
The accuser is always suspicious of the other party and has not handled it according to his own ideas, and the accused party is always worried about forgetting something and being said.
When one side continues to point fingers at the other, the soil of trust begins to dry up. The accused partner may feel disrespected and understood, and gradually, trust in the partner decreases, and even begins to doubt the other party's motives and sincerity.
Trust is the cornerstone of a couple's relationship, and if there is a lack of trust between husband and wife, then their relationship will be like an edifice without a foundation, crumbling and threatening to collapse at any time.
Self-deprecation
Individuals who have been in a blame-pointing environment for a long time can easily doubt their own abilities and worth.
The accused party may be stuck in a cycle of self-deprecation, believing that they are indeed worthless, as the other party says. After all, according to what the other party said, it's not right to do things on your own, and that's not right, as if you are really like a waste.
I was almost depressed because of my lover's accusations, and every day I felt that I was not doing the right thing. Do more wrong, do less wrong, and don't do wrong......
This distortion of self-perception not only affects the mental health of individuals, but also further exacerbates conflicts between couples.
Emotional distancing
In a couple relationship with an accusatory personality, the emotional connection often becomes fragile.
The continuous accusations of one party make the other party feel tired and repulsed, the emotional communication between the two parties gradually decreases, and the time spent together becomes no longer warm, but full of tension and defense.
Just imagine, if you step into the door with your left foot first or enter the door with your right foot first every day, you will be picked by the other party and say a few words, all the good mood will disappear in an instant, and the relationship between husband and wife will definitely deteriorate.
How to respond and adjust
Let the accusatory personality be self-reflective
Since you want to solve it, it means that the relationship still exists, and you still want to continue to live well, so you can try to let the other party self-reflect.
That is, don't always be silent or admit your mistakes, but tell the other person how you feel, or treat the other person in the same way, let the other person experience it too, then the other person will reflect on their own behavior.
For the person with the accusatory personality, who realizes that his or her behavior pattern is not right, and tries to find the root cause of the problem from the perspective of the self, then after self-reflection, he will slowly change this way of speaking.
Communicate positively
As long as the other party tries to reflect, then we can continue to communicate in depth.
It's not that people with a blaming personality don't accept communication, it's that the person being blamed is often too spoiled or perfunctory, which leads to the situation getting worse.
Just imagine, in the years when the two of them were just married and the world was happy, there must have been very few accusations, right? Because the relationship was strong at that time, the other party was rarely disappointed, and the accused person was willing to explain to the other party why things were like this, so life was happy.
But as time goes by, the emotions of the accused person are always suppressed, and they are lazy to say and explain, and they are even lazy to communicate with the other party, which also leads the other party to think that their behavior is right and is even more out of control.
Like at the beginning, if you have something to say and sit down and talk about it, you can say that you can't do it for a while, and then you can continue to talk about it, and tell the other party a little bit about the unhappiness you have suffered because of being blamed, and listen to the other party's explanation.
Set boundaries
In fact, people with accusatory personalities tend to be more sensitive and vulnerable, but they are also more receptive to rules.
List the places that the other party is easy to blame and set a boundary, for example, the bowl can be put for one day and then brushed the next day, after all, it will not be bad to brush the bowl tomorrow, and for example, how many pieces of clothes can be saved and washed together, and the clothes can not be lost for two more days.
Many things in life don't have to be done right away, and a little more buffer time and constraints can reduce the occurrence of blame.
At last
In fact, my lover is also an accusatory personality, but I forgot when it began to become out of control, and suddenly one day I found that this was not the family atmosphere I wanted, so I corrected each other in various ways, and finally settled down.
What I used to hear every day was: what time is it, why haven't you washed the dishes yet? The clothes have already been washed, why don't you know to dry them? Why don't you finish the dishes? Why are you wearing this dress again? Why don't you go from the right?
The most impressive time was that I forgot to pour the footwater after soaking my feet, and my lover said: "You are really good, you don't even pour the footwashing water after soaking your feet, keep me to pour it for you?" ”
It was also from this time that I found that things could not continue like this, and returned: "Don't say whether it was intentional and didn't fall, you saw it, and helped me to pour it out, and it was as if it didn't happen." If you're willing to tell me a please, I'll thank you too. Why do we forget to pour a foot wash once in a while, so we have to stare at it with big eyes? ”
Then I began to count the things that my lover often forgot in my life, and I also helped clean them up, and she also forgot to pour the foot washing water, the floor that she forgot to scrape after taking a bath, and the snack bags that she threw out of the trash can, etc......
In fact, life is always like this, there will always be all kinds of small problems, small situations, obviously can be easily solved, but to put on the bright side to blame the other party, this phenomenon is not advisable, once there is a timely stop and explain the situation, calm down the emotions.
Through unremitting efforts, the lover has also changed the bad habit of responsibility, after all, no one is perfect, life always has to go on, can live in harmony, who likes the home is always full of gunpowder.
If your lover is also an accusatory personality, you might as well try my way to change the other person, since you love, you should love warmer.