Author: Kunik
The right distance is the best way for us to express our love.
Biologists have done an experiment:
In the cold winter, put a dozen hedgehogs in the open space outside.
The hedgehogs instinctively huddled together for warmth, but when they were close together, they were stabbed by the long thorns on each other's bodies and had to separate themselves.
Then again closer, injured, scattered, and closer again...... After struggling countless times between freezing and thorning, the hedgehogs finally found a suitable distance to keep each other warm without being stabbed by each other.
This is the "hedgehog law" in psychology, which emphasizes the "psychological distance effect" in interpersonal communication.
Only when there is intimacy can we get along comfortably; Familiarity does not exceed the norm, in order to accompany for a long time.
This has always been the case with people. Too far or too close is a disaster.
In life, you must have seen this kind of person: obviously you don't have a deep friendship, but they always ask you "have you bought a house?" as soon as they meet? Got a car? "Where do you work?" How much is the salary? "Why aren't you married? Why don't you want children? ”……
These unabashed questions can be a little embarrassing.
Su Shi said: "Words are profound, and the gentleman is precautioned." ”
When you don't have a deep relationship with each other, talking from the heart and lungs is not the way you should be communicating.
What can be said and what cannot be said needs to be thought twice. The level of upbringing and emotional intelligence is often reflected in the sense of proportion in interpersonal communication.
In the movie "The Concept of Marriage and Love in an Era", there is a bridge.
The male protagonist Charles met an ordinary friend at a banquet, the two had not met for a long time, and after a few words of greeting, Charles asked: "How is your girlfriend?" ”
The friend laughed, "She's not my girlfriend anymore." ”
As soon as he heard this, Charles immediately comforted him: "Don't be sad, people say that she has been having an affair with Tawby. ”
Unexpectedly, my friend's face turned cold after hearing this, and he said: "She is already my wife!" ”
The atmosphere was extremely embarrassing.
"The Book of the Later Han Dynasty: The Biography of Cui Chu" contains: "The rumor, the shallow and the deep, the foolish".
It is a fool's practice to insist on having a heart-to-heart relationship and talk about something unreasonable.
You need to know that life has a degree, and if you pass it, it will be a disaster. Communicating shallowly but not deeply is not only a respect for others, but also a self-cultivation.
Some people may be anxious to establish a good relationship with others, so they call each other brothers and sisters at the beginning.
As everyone knows, a truly strong relationship is managed with time, and it is by no means something that can be forged in a few words.
As the saying goes: "The road knows the horsepower, and the people will see it for a long time." ”
When interacting with people, you really don't need to be in a hurry, if you have a little affection, you can do some affectionate things. Three-dimensional relationship, don't show the enthusiasm of seven-ripe, so as not to overdo it.
You'll always meet someone who can let you speak your mind without reservation, but until then, be careful with what you say and do.
Knowing what kind of relationship and what kind of words to say is the manifestation of a person's true maturity.
If it is avoidable to talk about it, then the distance between intimate relationships is often easier to ignore.
There is a saying on the Internet:
Between loved ones, distance is respect; Between lovers, distance is beautiful; Between friends, distance is love; Between colleagues, distance is friendly; Between strangers, distance is polite.
The most comfortable relationship is never intimacy, but keeping a certain distance while being intimate.
There is an old couple in Japan, the grandfather is meticulous and planned, and the grandmother is a little careless.
The two have very different personalities, but they have been in love for a lifetime. The secret is simple: don't interfere too much.
Grandpa doesn't like to eat vegetables, and grandma never forces him to eat them "for his good"; Grandma wants to buy something, and grandpa doesn't stop her, she just has to be happy.
Although there will inevitably be some friction sometimes, they will not speak ill of each other, but communicate patiently and understand each other.
Love needs to have an appropriate "distance", but not "detachment"; Relationships need "boundaries", but not "limitations".
The right distance is the best way for us to express our love. Even the most intimate partners are two independent people, and they also need to have their own space and freedom.
In the final analysis, love is not a shackle, let alone a means, we need to communicate with love, not to kidnap each other with love.
Without a sense of boundaries, no matter how much you love, you will be tired, whether it is love, family, or friendship.
As the saying goes: "The fish stinks after three days, and the guest stays for three days", which is also the truth.
No matter how fragrant a fish is, it will stink after a few days; No matter how intimate the guest is, if he stays for a long time, he will be annoying.
It's saying, "Don't overdo it."
Modern people like to call this "emotional intelligence", and the so-called high emotional intelligence is actually to know how to measure and not do everything.
Only with just the right distance can you reduce unnecessary friction and disputes, and make each other comfortable.
A sense of proportion is the secret to maintaining a long-lasting relationship.
Liang Shiqiu wrote in "Talking about Friendship": "The friendship between gentlemen is as light as water, because it is light, so it can not be greasy and lasting." ”
The best communication is not with utilitarian adsorption or blending, but with respect and understanding that is intimate and intermittent, sparse and dense, harmonious and different.
The best relationship is not only the joy at first sight of "once the golden wind and jade dew meet, it will win countless in the world", but also the long-term love after the vicissitudes of life and thousands of turns.
And the key to staying for a long time lies in a "sense of proportion".
Comedian Jin Jing once told an experience.
Once, she edited a long piece of information and sent it to Big S to express her love for Big S.
But Big S only politely replied: "Okay, Jin Jing, thank you, and you will work hard tomorrow." ”
Since then, she has understood: excessive enthusiasm is a kind of trouble for others and a kind of torture for herself.
In the social laws of adults, excessive enthusiasm is not a good thing after all, and deliberately closing the distance is just crossing the line.
As Zhou Guoping said: "A sense of proportion is a sign of mature love, which knows how to observe the necessary distance between people, and this distance means respect for the other person as an independent personality." ”
Not interfering in the lives of others is a sign of respect for others; Not to cater to the preferences of others is to respect oneself; Not to destroy the distance is to respect feelings.
A sense of proportion is the greatest respect between people.
I like a passage written by Sanmao in "Send You a Horse":
I shun overly warm friendships when I'm not doing anything, which makes me less burdened and committed;
I don't say much nonsense, which makes me feel refreshed;
I beware of loving others, because comparisons are less overflowing.
I don't want to be profound, I want to be simple.
Between people, there is a sense of proportion and boundaries, so that there is space to accommodate more colors in life.
Whether in life or in the workplace, whether it is relatives or friends, only by grasping the balance and keeping a good distance can we get along with each other comfortably.
As the saying goes, "the distance from the end of the world is not unfamiliar, and the place close to the place is not nicknamed", the truly great friendship has its own sense of proportion.