Don't be afraid of your child arguing, that's the process of getting to know themselves

Beijing News

2024-07-01 13:55The official account of the Beijing News

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01Children's quarrels are an important part of the growth process, which helps children to understand their self-worth and abilities.

02 Quarrels mean that the child gains the possibility of better understanding himself in the limitation, and at the same time exercises cognition, reaction and exploration skills.

03Psychologists emphasize that quarrels and conflicts play a crucial role in children's development.

04 In fact, children's quarrels have a very clear direction, and they will quarrel with interested peers.

05At the same time, arguing is also a way for children to express themselves and show their abilities and potential.

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Don't be afraid to quarrel, Author: Daniel Novara, Translator: Li Jing, Publisher: CITIC Publishing Group, Publication date: March 2024.

Children who have not faced conflict

Largely unhealthy

Nearly three decades of child psychology research has confirmed that every behavior of a child is to satisfy a deep inner need. During their long childhood, children work hard to learn and develop the various abilities necessary for growth. And quarrels are also an integral part of a child's development.

In the midst of arguments, children clearly recognize the importance of self-affirmation, which is the most critical driving force for their growth and development. Arguments are inevitable and both parties have a need to realize their self-worth, so consider them as a way to express yourself and show your abilities and potential.

Stills from "Mind Squad".

At the same time, the quarrel also means that the child gains the possibility of better understanding himself in the limitation. The existence of children of the same age is a restriction on the subjective will of "me", which can activate the self-regulation mechanism of both parties, so that children can acquire the necessary cognitive, reactive and exploratory abilities when interacting with others.

It is only in this way that children learn to recognize and respect the existence of others.

For children, quarreling is an opportunity to realize self-worth, and it is also an opportunity for both sides of the quarrel to self-regulate, and these two opportunities are the guarantee for children to find their own "position" in the world.

But we can't say that children love to quarrel. It is not easy for children to get angry, learn to deal with conflicts, experience confrontation, disappointment and limitations, and discover and explore how to effectively balance their own wishes with the needs of others. But in order to build a healthy and cheerful personality, these arduous processes are necessary, and arguments can bring children a sense of meaningful satisfaction and make them more confident.

Children who never quarrel and do not have the experience of facing and dealing with conflicts are largely unhealthy. In today's world, there are many such examples. In many families, there are "little bully" who dominate the lives of their parents, but these children are both mentally and physically unhealthy.

Quarrels and conflicts are in

Children are vital in their development

Psychologists have been emphasizing that quarrels and conflicts play a crucial role in children's development.

In the 80s of the 20th century, the first Italian scholar to devote himself to the study of quarrels between children was the French scholar of the University of Bologna. Carugadi, Clottilde Pentecorvo of the University of Rome and Ana Oliverio Ferraris. After a series of studies, they came to the conclusion that the vast majority of conflicts and contradictions between children are mainly manifested in verbal quarrels. This form is not only an important engine for the reorganization and progress of individual cognition, but also for social cognition.

In 1988, Silvia Bonino of the University of Turin conducted an experiment on the aggression of children aged 18~36 months in quarrels. "The creative ability of children to build the ability to deal with conflict at such a young age is clearly inseparable from intervention from adults," she says. This conclusion also shows a strong link between parental intervention and the frequency of arguments.

Silvia Vijetti Fenz, a teacher and psychoanalyst at the University of Pavia, once said:

Children are self-centered, and they are not yet able to put themselves in the shoes of others, and they are unable to find ways to regulate their relationships and adapt to each other. The relationship between two children is actually a collision and conflict between two super-egocentric subjects, and this process will inevitably make both parties feel frustrated and disappointed.

But these collisions and conflicts can be very beneficial to children's development, forcing them to re-realize that they are not omnipotent, and that the world is not self-centered. Only in this way can they realize that other people do not exist only to serve them, and that their own desires cannot all be fulfilled. In order to maintain good interpersonal relationships and for them to sustain and grow, it is necessary to compromise and retreat, and to consider and respect the needs of others.

This new understanding is the basis of all human relations, and it is through interaction and conflict with peers that children acquire this understanding.

Alba Malcorli also said:

Living in an environment where there are no quarrels, pretending that everything is going smoothly and that there are no worries in life can lead to a lack of mental competence in children. This means that "overprotection" of children can lead to them not being able to face the difficulties and challenges of the future. If children have experienced quarrels in their daily lives and understand that they have the same meaning as everything in the world, they will not feel afraid of quarrels and will take the initiative to deal with problems. Conversely, inexperienced children feel threatened and uncertain when confronted with arguments. Just as we have an inexplicable fear of all unknown things, we will psychologically resist this thing.

Here's an example as well. 5-year-old Carlo plays with sticks alone in the park. A kid came, gave Carlo a push, and snatched the stick from his hand. Carlo immediately fought back, shouting at the kid, "No! He took the stick back. It's a child's affirmation of self-awareness ("I want that stick!"). This leads to a self-affirming reaction from the other party ("That stick is mine, I'm going to take it!"). ”）。 But in such a dynamic communicative process, a check-and-balance is also created: the "I" can affirm the needs of the self, but the "I" must also recognize the existence of others and consider the needs of others. This process of competing for sticks cannot be simply understood as a lack of sharing spirit on the part of the child. Quite the opposite, in fact. Quarrels are the way children "share" sticks: they are not a denial of the relationship, but a way in which children of that age best define their relationship in a particular situation.

Stills from "Mind Squad".

There is growing psychological and cognitive evidence that children are very capable. They have the ability to recognize the concepts, values, and evaluation criteria of things, which guides their actions and allows them to learn independently and effectively.

Adults always take it as their responsibility to educate children, and regard children as a blank sheet of paper, on which they should write and draw those so-called necessary social and life experiences. Parents play a vital role in their children's development, but this role should be anticipatory and guided, rather than always consciously controlling and directing children.

If we want children to grow through quarrels, then we should not overemphasize the "teaching" of parents, but create conditions for children to learn independently.

Positive Intimacy:

The better friends are, the more quarrelsome they are

The first need for children to seek interaction with their peers is to build intimate relationships. What they are looking for is a kind of contact, a kind of intimacy, a relationship that has the characteristics of integration, interaction with others. This model emphasizes breaking through the self and engaging with people. This contact is usually predominantly physical, or characterized by the child's free use of body and language in an argument.

From this perspective, we found that many scientific experiments on quarrels between children aged 3~10 revealed an interesting phenomenon: there is a strange connection between children's friendship and children's quarrels.

In 1995, Marina Butovskaya, a professor at the Institute of Cultural Anthropology of Moscow University, conducted a study on the patterns of quarrels and reconciliation between boys and girls aged 6~7 years.

Combining the results of previous ethnological studies and observational data, Butovskaya made eight hypotheses, which were individually verified by research data.

The second hypothesis she makes is that "the relationship between quarrels and friendships is inversely proportional: the better the relationship between children, the less frequent they are to quarrel with each other." "Facts disprove this assumption." Through the analysis of test data such as constructive play, intra-spatial contact, and the quality of interactive relationships, we can confirm that, contrary to the expected hypothesis, quarrels between children are directly proportional, not inversely proportional, to their level of intimacy. In other words, there are fewer quarrels between those who are less close to each other than those who are close. ”

Judy Dunn's research on sibling relationships also confirms that siblings quarrel significantly more often than good friends. "In early childhood, there are far more physical conflicts between siblings than with children outside the family, both in frequency and number."

This means that children's quarrels have a clear direction. Children quarrel with peers they are interested in, which also proves that the object of children's quarrels is not accidental, but selective.

At the end of the day, a fight over a toy is because one child wants another child's toy and that thing grabs "me" or simply because he has something that "I" want too.

The case studies in this chapter strongly support this view: quarrels are a form of mutual attention.

Don't worry, kids don't fight because they don't love each other.

Emotional communication between children, especially between siblings, is mainly expressed in the form of endless quarrels, which are precisely the proof of their closeness. For example, we often see my brother studying, but my sister always comes to disturb him. In the end, my sister finally quieted down and played by herself, but what was puzzling was that my brother became interested in the toy in my sister's hand, in fact, when my sister didn't play with this toy, he didn't remember this thing at all.

Stills from "Mind Squad".

Seven-year-old Luca had never liked cheese, but one night, his six-year-old brother wanted to eat cheese, which was the only food in the family at the time. Mom didn't expect both of them to eat either, so she didn't prepare enough cheese at all. Therefore, the two quarreled over the cheese.

Or maybe neither of them was willing to help their mother, but suddenly, her 5-year-old sister Sylvia expressed her willingness to help her mother, and 7-year-old Anna also said that she must help her mother, and asked her mother to only help her, and as a result, Anna and her sister also had a fierce quarrel.

Traditionally, people think that these children are only doing things to attract the attention of their parents. Of course, parental attention is important, but it is even more beneficial to understand children's behavior in terms of intimacy. This need will prompt children to affirm their irreplaceability in social interactions, and although this need can cause annoyance and distress to parents, it is common for children.

In fact, especially between two brothers, it is a very common phenomenon to cover each other or even become "accomplices". Perhaps we can see this phenomenon as a kind of self-protection for children in the face of intrusions and threats from the adult world. Children do this, of course, risky, because they may be punished and restrained by their parents, so in the vast majority of cases, brothers can live in peace with each other. But even when they get into an argument, it's just a symptom that actually shows the children's need to reach out to each other and build intimacy.

Original author/[Italy] Daniel Novara

Excerpt / Wang Mingbo

Introductory proofreading / Wang Xin

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