Have you ever responded at work that was out of place? Or have you ever sent an inappropriate email when you're not feeling well, only to regret it later? No matter how much we have accomplished, we all experience emotional management dilemmas from time to time, and we may suffer the consequences of doing so. Understanding how to deal with these emotions is crucial, and that's where emotional intelligence comes in. Cultivating emotional intelligence, especially self-awareness, self-regulation, and positive relationships, not only makes our interactions more enjoyable and productive, but also improves our well-being and makes us better leaders.
"Don't bring emotions to work" is a self-evident rule in the workplace. But it's not easy to do that. Emotions are not like shoes that can be kicked away. And, most of us have experienced the pain of being the first person we care about and least willing to provoke when we can't deal with negative emotions – our loved ones or significant others.
Research shows that negative emotions not only affect our relationships, but also our ability to perform at our best – when we experience emotions such as stress, frustration, fear, or anger, our focus, concentration, memory, physical health, mental health, and decision-making abilities are all affected. Understanding how to deal with these emotions is crucial, and that's where emotional intelligence comes in.
I have taught emotional intelligence courses to thousands of leaders at the Yale School of Management and have seen firsthand the transformative impact that emotional intelligence can have on a person's success. The three key elements of emotional intelligence are self-awareness, self-regulation, and positive connection. In my new book, Sovereign, I explore how to strengthen these skills with scientific strategies to help you quickly improve your emotional intelligence.
Tap into your self-awareness in two minutes
Sometimes, the way you interact with others can leave you with regret afterwards, but often you don't mean to. You don't mean to be rude, rude, or ruthless, you just don't know it.
What is Self-Awareness? It refers to the ability to be aware of what's going on in one's own head – am I not happy? Am I tired? - When someone touches your bottom line, you won't be overwhelmed or impulsive. Develop self-awareness by improving your emotional intelligence so you can avoid lapses in your relationships.
There's an area of our brain that's dedicated to our internal state, a process neuroscientists call "intrasception," but here's the problem: we often don't use it.
One of the exercises I've mentioned in all of my classes can help you quickly use this area of your brain to improve your self-awareness.
Sit down, close your eyes, and focus. Then do these three steps:
1. Pay attention to your physical condition
From very tired to full of energy, how is your energy situation today? Scan your body. Pay attention to how your body feels: Are you hungry? What parts of your body make you feel particularly nervous or relaxed?
2. Record your ideas and their "traffic levels"
Every day, there are thoughts flying in my head, constantly pouring in and out. If every idea were one car, what would be the traffic flow? Is it like a busy highway, a quiet country road, or something in between?
3. Pay attention to your emotions
Whether you feel emotional or not, you feel emotions all the time. You may feel calm, curious, or enthusiastic, or you may feel okay, angry, or stressed.
Emotions can be measured in two ways: First, is the mood pleasant or unpleasant? In between, which one do you currently emotionally belong to? Second, how intense are they? These emotions may be neutral. From strong to weak, which mood do you currently have?
With this exercise, you can quickly assess your own internal thought flow and stress levels. It will help you judge if you're at your best to do what you're going to do next.
Let's say you're next on your schedule for an important meeting with a difficult colleague that you're going to give feedback. After you do this quick self-awareness exercise, you find yourself feeling nervous and have a fast-running highway in your head. Your co-workers are likely to interpret a lot of the thoughts in your head as distracted, stressed, irritable, and disrespectful. In this way, the effectiveness of your communication will be greatly reduced, and the results of your interactions will be greatly reduced. If you choose to reschedule the meeting, or do something before the meeting to improve your mental state, then self-awareness can avoid such missteps.
Self-regulation through breathing
My research with colleagues at Yale and other related research has shown that breathing exercises are one of the most effective and rapid ways to process emotions in real time. Using your breath can help you go from a heightened emotional state (such as 10 on a scale of 1-10) to a more relaxed state (such as a 2) in just a few minutes.
You can try to exhale for a longer time. Why? When you inhale, your heart rate increases; When you exhale, your heart rate slows.
Whenever you need to self-regulate, such as before reporting to a senior leadership team, or when you need to struggle to be patient in an annoying meeting, try this exercise: close your eyes, inhale to four, and exhale to eight for at least two minutes.
Taking a few minutes to slow down and exhale for a longer period of time activates the parasympathetic nervous system, the part of the autonomic nervous system that helps the body rest and digest, as opposed to the "fight-and-flight system" (which prepares the body to fight or flee in the face of threats), which will calm you down quickly.
Connect with "invigorating little moments."
Ever noticed that some people make you feel bored, tired, and depressed? And when you interact with other people, you feel hopeful, uplifted, and energized?
What's the difference? In the second scenario, you may be dealing with what we call "positive energy people" who have a high degree of emotional intelligence and understand the importance of small moments of upliftment. Research shows that these people not only have a positive impact on our health, but they also create super-high levels of productivity in the organization.
You can hone your skills and become a positive motivator by looking for small moments that motivate others (after all, an important component of emotional intelligence is being able to communicate with others in a positive and affirmative way). This doesn't mean being blindly optimistic or putting on a smirk (which turns into harmful positivity).
People with high emotional intelligence know how to create positivity with values-oriented: they do it with humility, empathy, compassion, honesty, integrity, and forgiveness. What is it like to be with someone who shares these values? You will feel safe, seen, heard, valued, appreciated, and understood.
Try to see every encounter as an opportunity to lift the other person up. It takes less than a minute to share a compliment, a laugh, a compassionate word, or even a smile. Research shows that as long as your words and actions are genuine, you will not only make the other person feel better, but you will also feel better yourself.
While you can get help with these three practices in the moment, regular meditation practice can also train yourself to improve self-awareness, emotional intelligence, and positivity. Neuroscience research has shown that meditation strengthens areas of the brain that promote self-control, self-awareness, and emotion regulation. This may be because your mind and emotions will be more open when meditating compared to other relaxation activities. Your words and actions become less unconscious and passive. You will react with a higher skill. It's no wonder that many CEOs meditate.
Our working relationships are very important, but we rarely receive formal education or training on how to get along with others. Cultivating emotional intelligence, especially self-awareness, self-regulation, and positive relationships, not only makes our interactions more enjoyable and productive, but also improves our well-being and makes us better leaders.
Keywords: self-management
艾玛·塞佩拉(Emma Seppälä)| 文
Emma Sepera, Ph.D., is a faculty member at the Yale School of Management, director of the Women's Leadership Program at the Yale School of Management, and scientific director of the Center for Compassion and Altruism Research and Education at Stanford University.
Yang Qiushi | Translated by Zhou Qiang | Redaction
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