Experts of this issue
Wang Jinzhan
He is a well-known education expert, a national outstanding teacher, a doctor, the chief principal of Beijing Kuangao Education Group, and the chief principal of Baoding Middle School Education Group. He has published more than 70 books, such as "The Ladder of Success", "Must-do Questions Before the Examination", "Methods of Cultivating Talents", "Cultivating Talents", "Cultivating Talents", "How Talents Are Created", "Making Chinese Talented Families", "How is Learning So Difficult", etc.
He was a teacher, teaching all the way from his hometown of Yishui, Shandong Province to Beijing;
His monograph "How Talent is Made" was reprinted 18 times and sold millions of copies; "Made in China's Elite Family" also topped the list of educational books......
He is the mathematics teacher of the former High School Affiliated to the National People's Congress - Wang Jinzhan.
Wang Jinzhan has many titles, such as National Outstanding Teacher, Leader of the National "Eleventh Five-Year Plan" Key Research Group, Executive Principal of the Affiliated School of the University of Chinese Academy of Sciences, and Chief Principal of Baoding Middle School Education Group......
However, Wang Jinzhan believes that among the many roles, the most difficult thing is to be a qualified father.
Wang Jinzhan often said:
"Before my daughter was in high school, I was a failing dad;
After my daughter went to high school, I was a dad who could score a perfect score.
My daughter's rebellion made me reflect: how should the role of a father be positioned? That is to be friends with children, help children to relieve negative emotions such as depression and anxiety in time, and constantly motivate them to tap their potential and challenge themselves, so that a happy and confident child can grow into a talent spontaneously. ”
01
What children lack most is the respect and listening of their parents
2003 was a year of mixed joy and sorrow for Wang Jinzhan.
This year, 37 of the 55 students in the senior high school (12) class of the High School Affiliated to the National People's Congress were admitted to Tsinghua University and Peking University, and 10 were admitted to Cambridge, Oxford, Yale, Duke University, University of Tokyo, and Imperial College London with full scholarships. At this time, Wang Jinzhan was completely immersed in great joy, sharing the joy of success with his beloved students.
However, more than ten days later, Wang Jinzhan's happiness came to an abrupt end - his daughter failed the high school entrance examination and missed the key high school. After learning the news, his mood suddenly fell from the clouds to the bottom.
On the way home from work, the more Wang Jinzhan thought about it, the more he felt that his stomach was full of bitterness and grievances: at the beginning, he hoped that his children would have better development in the future, so he resolutely decided to give up the position of director of the teaching office of Qingdao No. 2 Middle School and took the whole family to Beijing. But today, my daughter has not even been admitted to a key high school, and I am afraid that she will miss out on a prestigious university in the future.
For a while, this education "master" also had no idea. He stubbornly believes that as a teacher, his duty is to teach and educate people, and if he can't even educate his own children well, how can he have the face to educate other people's children.
When she returned home, her wife told Wang Jinzhan with red eyes that her daughter locked herself in the room and cried. Listening to the child's sobbing, he suddenly realized that he should not disturb his daughter at this time, but let her vent to her heart's content.
The child is frustrated and his self-confidence suffers. If parents also follow the gaffe, it will only add fuel to the fire. At this moment, the most important thing is to go into the child's heart and find out the crux of the problem.
Just as Wang Jinzhan was thinking about how to make his daughter open up, he unexpectedly saw his daughter's diary.
In the diary full of tear stains, the daughter wrote that she had wanted to communicate with her father countless times, but she could never find him, because his father's mind was completely on his students, and her father's neglect made her feel very hurt; And the mother is always more than stern, impatient and nagging endlessly, which makes the originally sensible daughter rebellious, has no interest in learning, less motivation, and finally fails the high school entrance examination.
After reading his daughter's diary, Wang Jinzhan fell into deep thought. Recalling the bits and pieces of the past, Wang Jinzhan found that he and his wife had inadvertently played the role of the most stupid parents, only seeing their daughter's shortcomings and ignoring their daughter's strengths.
The daughter got good grades and happily went home to report the good news, but she received overwhelming criticism. When the daughter encounters a problem and asks herself, the first time she speaks, if she doesn't understand, his face will not look good; If the second time, she still doesn't understand, he will already be angry; If the third time, the daughter still doesn't understand, he is almost about to move, so the child is very nervous in front of him, and the more nervous he is, the more he will not.
Frequent denial and criticism not only caused her daughter's confidence in learning to be lost, but also made the child's heart farther and farther away from herself.
Wang Jinzhan understood his daughter's voice - what her daughter lacked was the respect and listening of her parents. Wang Jinzhan had a long talk with his daughter, put down the frame of being a parent, admitted that he had ignored his daughter's feelings in the past, and his education method was simple and rude, and he would humbly accept his daughter's criticism in the future, hoping that the child would accept his father again. The daughter was greatly moved when she heard this, and the psychological distance between the father and daughter was suddenly shortened.
From this day on, Wang Jinzhan decided to grow up with his daughter, and accompanied his daughter to run 6 laps on the playground of the High School Attached to the National People's Congress every day. These 2400 meters are somewhat unbearable for Wang Jinzhan, who has entered the age of no doubt, but in order to set a good example for his daughter to exercise, he gritted his teeth and insisted. The daughter saw that her father could win 6 laps, so she was naturally not far behind. Gradually, exercising became her daily compulsory course, rain or shine.
With the right approach, you can often do more with less. Wang Jinzhan put down the shelf and communicated with his daughter, empathized, and considered from the child's position when encountering problems, and the father and daughter gradually became harmonious, and the daughter became sunny day by day. When I encounter a problem in my studies, I immediately communicate with my father. The factors that affect learning are eliminated, the child's psychology becomes relaxed, and the academic performance naturally goes up.
In 2006, the college entrance examination was released, and her daughter was admitted to Peking University Law School with a total score of 645 points. This has become the proudest thing Wang Jinzhan has been doing since he became a teacher.
"Everyone needs salt, but who loves to eat it if they swallow it raw? If you put it in a dish or soup, it will be very comfortable to eat. The same goes for educating children. I have found that students crave help from their parents at all times, but why do they show rejection? The responsibility is not on the child, but on the adult, and the method of education is not right. ”
Wang Jinzhan believes that children need respect and understanding, which many parents understand, but it is easier said than done. Wang Jinzhan hopes that parents can truly respect their children's ideas and communicate with their children in a positive way. To put it bluntly, parents have to squat down and talk to their children.
02
A good future needs to be planned in advance
"What kind of education you receive is the starting point of your life and your eternal business card. Although there is no shortage of self-taught people in the world, choosing a relatively low starting point often makes people suffer for a lifetime. Wang Jinzhan believes that a good future requires parents to design for their children in advance.
But the design can't be blind, otherwise it will be a seedling. Today's parents, blindly following the trend, see other people's children learn the violin, and let their children learn; When I saw people learning dance, I followed suit.
As everyone knows, this kind of blind follow-up cultivation regardless of the child's wishes and regardless of the development of the situation will not only not create opportunities for the child's future, but will delay the child's future. It's like the fable of the caterpillar:
There are 4 caterpillars that like to eat apples and an apple tree. The first two caterpillars failed to do so in the end due to blind obedience and following the trend. The third caterpillar brought a pair of binoculars, and after some searching, found a large apple. Choose the path and climb it without hurrying.
However, because the caterpillar crawls quite slowly, by the time it arrives, the Big Apple has been outnumbered by other caterpillars.
A fourth caterpillar also observes the apple tree with a telescope. Its target is not a big apple, but a budding apple blossom. It calculates its itinerary and estimates that by the time it arrives, the flower will grow into a large, ripe apple.
Finally, it got its wish, got the biggest and sweetest apple, and lived happily ever after.
After years of teaching, Wang Jinzhan found that there are fewer and fewer parents who are as confused as the first two caterpillars, but there are indeed not many parents who can plan in advance for their children, step by step, and accumulate capital for success. Although parents are now willing to spend money on their children and fill their children's spare time with various studies, this practice is not to plan their children's future with binoculars, but to force their children to follow suit with a focusing lens. In the future, children will go out into society, but they will lose their competitiveness.
Therefore, Wang Jinzhan advocates that parents should plan for their children in advance, and the advance planning he said is not that parents are wishful thinking to design the future for their children, but according to their children's strengths, respect their children's wishes, and make comprehensive choices in combination with the current form of education.
When it comes to educating his children, Wang Jinzhan has been as confused as the first two caterpillars. At the end of the 80s of the last century, Wang Jinzhan was still teaching in Yishui County No. 1 Middle School, with a salary of less than 100 yuan per month.
One year, he co-edited a book with several teachers and earned more than 10,000 yuan at a time, and Wang Jinzhan used the money to buy a piano for his daughter. Wang Jinzhan's wish at that time was also very simple, wanting to expose his children to something elegant. However, my daughter learned very unhappily, and sometimes cried while playing the piano: "Is it just for the sake of exams and rankings that I am so miserable to learn the piano?" Looking at his daughter's crying and crying eyes, Wang Jinzhan thought: Forget it, don't force her, let it be.
After coming to Beijing, seeing some children knocking on the door of a famous school through adding points for their specialties, Wang Jinzhan's heart was alive again. After consulting around Tsinghua University and Peking University, after many researches, I finally chose the national musical instrument Zhongruan. In view of his daughter's experience of learning piano, Wang Jinzhan felt that he could only adopt roundabout tactics to lure her into taking the bait. He found that his daughter was very interested in national costumes, and collected a lot of postcards of national costumes, and Wang Jinzhan had an idea in his heart.
During a walk, Wang Jinzhan asked his daughter: "China's 5,000-year-old culture is broad and profound, and there is a wonderful flower among them, that is, folk music, do you know?" ”
The daughter nodded inexplicably.
Wang Jinzhan continued: "You look beautiful, you will wear a national costume in the future, and stand on the stage - a piece of folk music is vigorous, and all eyes are focused on you, that feeling is ......."
The daughter was moved by the beautiful scenery described by her father, and said with great interest: "Dad, interesting." But folk music ......"
Seeing that his daughter was a little lacking in confidence, Wang Jinzhan hurriedly encouraged his daughter: "In folk music, such as erhu, pipa, and guzheng, they all need to be practiced from an early age, and there are many people who learn them. But there are some ethnic musical instruments, such as Zhongruan, Daruan, Sanxian, etc., which are relatively few people who learn them, and they are also very individual. You are tall, and it must be suitable for you to carry a middle ruan. So the daughter happily accepted her father's suggestion.
In this way, the daughter began to study Zhongruan. What surprised Wang Jinzhan was that a child who was not interested in the piano actually had a soft spot for Zhongruan. It may be that the beautiful scenery he depicted that day was deeply imprinted in his daughter's heart, and she regarded Zhongruan as a hobby, without burden, and learned smoothly.
In 2006, her daughter successfully passed the specialty exam, got extra points in advance, and added insurance for herself to go to a prestigious school.
03
A child's spirit of independence needs to be deliberately cultivated
After all, the little bird has to leave the protection of its parents and soar alone. When the daughter is in middle and high school, because she is not yet mature, her parents need to plan reasonably for her. When her daughter entered college and her mind matured, Wang Jinzhan began to consciously cultivate her independent spirit.
When his daughter was a freshman, Wang Jinzhan gave her 10,000 yuan, encouraged her to invest, speculate in stocks and funds, and promised that "if you lose it, it will be mine, and the income will be yours".
The daughter was ecstatic: "Dad, this is too exciting!" ”
Wang Jinzhan has his own ideas, in today's era, when children enter the society, if they don't know how to consume reasonably and don't know the operation of capital, not only can they not keep up with the pace of the times, but also a very incompetent performance. Therefore, he wants to make up for his daughter's financial management lesson. So the daughter ran the securities company with great interest, and after a month, the daughter not only did not lose money, but also earned thousands of yuan, and Sensei was so happy!
When my daughter was a sophomore, one day she asked Wang Jinzhan for advice with all her heart.
"Dad, will I go abroad for further study, graduate school in China, or work directly after graduation?"
Wang Jinzhan knows that even if his daughter goes to college, she is still very dependent on herself spiritually, and there is an emotion of "not wanting to grow up". So he said: "You are a student of Peking University, if you can't grasp such a thing, you have to ask Dad, you should also pick up the brand of Peking University, right?" Hang a sign attached to the National People's Congress instead! ”
Wang Jinzhan felt that this was a good time to exercise his daughter's independent spirit. Universities are places of exchange where a large amount of information gathers, and college students are exposed to new things faster. At this time, parents only rely on their own local and self-righteous experience to try to guide children who are much more informative and knowledgeable than you, and they are suspected of being in the classroom.
The daughter said meaningfully: "Dad, do you really care about me?" ”
Wang Jinzhan said: "I really don't care, but not everything doesn't matter." If you study abroad in the future, if you lack funds, your father can help you; You're going to work in the country, and your dad can recommend you and that's it. As for how to choose, that's your own business, and Dad won't make the decision for you. ”
"Weaning" his daughter was far from going as smoothly as expected, but Wang Jinzhan had made up his mind and was imperative. In view of the fact that her daughter was busy with her studies in high school and had little contact with society, Wang Jinzhan often encouraged her to participate in social practice during the winter and summer vacations, and wanted to give her a comprehensive test.
The summer vacation was long, so Wang Jinzhan helped his daughter contact a law firm, and told the other party to arrange more work for her daughter and not to "take care" of her.
Soon after, her daughter discussed with Wang Jinzhan with a sad face: "Dad, I am not suitable to work in a law firm. ”
"You studied law, and if you don't want to be a lawyer in the future, you can still be a judge."
The daughter said, "I don't want to be a judge either." So I want to change departments and transfer to Chinese. ”
Wang Jinzhan was a little anxious, after all, after studying law for so long, it was a bit unrealistic to transfer to Chinese. But since she had told her daughter that she was in charge of her own affairs, Wang Jinzhan could only induce her daughter to change her mind.
"Think about it, is it because you're not suitable for this major, or do you not understand society? If you really transfer to the Chinese Department, find a place to intern in a few days, and find that it is not suitable for the Chinese Department, what should you do at that time? ”
The daughter apparently hadn't thought about these issues, she stopped talking and looked at her father quietly.
"Child, you are almost 20 years old and you must learn to choose. Don't just because you encounter some annoyances during your internship and think that this major is not suitable for you. It is normal for young people to enter society and encounter difficulties due to lack of preparation. In my judgment, it's not that you hate this profession, but you didn't expect that being a lawyer would encounter so many difficulties. ”
The daughter proposed to change the line so heavily, there must be her bitterness. Wang Jinzhan really wanted to say to the child: "Listen to Dad, just go, I'll arrange everything for you!" But reason told him that this would not work, that he could not accompany the child for the rest of his life, and that he could not make decisions for her forever. Perhaps, the daughter will stumble on the road of life in the future, but she must choose for herself and walk on her own.
Later, Wang Jinzhan asked his daughter if she had thought about the transfer of departments, and her daughter smiled and said: "Dad, I was on a whim, and there is no such thing!" ”
"Learn from your daughter and grow with her." Wang Jinzhan said, "There are no children who can't be taught well, only incompetent parents." ”
Understanding the characteristics of adolescent psychological development and the laws of education, and establishing an equal, harmonious and democratic family relationship with children is the key to cultivating talents. Again, China's heroes are made by families.
Source: Marriage & Family Magazine