Key points of psychological research in this issue:
1. Listening is a basic social skill, but it takes practice to do it well.
2. Listening to and perceiving partner responses, forming a positive feedback loop that promotes a variety of positive relationship outcomes.
3. Good listening can make the other person more likely to self-disclose and produce a higher "sense of interpersonal chemistry.".
When you're talking to a good audience, you can feel the way the person is looking at you or making empathetic comments that makes you feel comfortable and therefore more likely to open up further.
While you may admire and appreciate building a relationship with a good listener, perhaps you feel that you are not happy with your listening skills. When you first meet people, the conversation seems to lose momentum almost at the beginning.
According to a newly published review paper published in 2021 in collaboration with the University of Rochester, decades of research support the observation that good listening is what drives "interpersonal relationships... It is known to produce many positive emotional and cognitive outcomes within the individual."
The role of good listening in relationships
Good listening helps promote "perceiving your partner's ability to respond," in which your partner trusts you to understand and care about them and validate their perception of the world and themselves.
Listening and perceiving partner responses form a positive feedback loop, which, in turn, promotes a variety of positive relationship outcomes. Your partner will feel less anxious and defensive because you reinforce the atmosphere of openness and mutual respect by showing that you hear them. Your partner doesn't have to be afraid to say the wrong thing because you show that you won't rush to make a judgment.
10 qualities of a good listener
You might be thinking, all of this is fine, but what exactly is the mark of a good listener?
Here are ten metrics specific to good listening.
These ten qualities are divided into two categories, verbal and nonverbal behavior, as follows, and each behavior is explained:
Verbal: Show that you understand what the person is saying.
1. Reflection: Paraphrase what the other person is saying to show that you understand the meaning.
2. Open-ended questions: Ask questions that don't have simple "yes" or "no" answers to keep the conversation flowing.
3. Validation: Reinforce what the person is saying by showing that you understand.
4. Discourse: Use simple words to encourage the other person to keep talking (e.g., well, okay).
5. Use the speaker's name: Help the person feel more valuable by at different points in the conversation or when you want to indicate that you heard their name.
Nonverbal: A behavior that indicates that you are concentrating.
1. Facial expressions: Let your face convey interest, empathy and curiosity.
2. Nod: Nod occasionally, follow what the other person is saying, especially during important moments of conversation.
3. Body Posture: Adjust your posture to turn your body toward another person to indicate that you are concentrating.
4. Gaze: Keep eye contact with the speaker and don't distract yourself from looking away.
5. Silence: Keep quiet and don't interrupt the other person or seem too eager to break in.
It's easy to nod your head, and it's easier to use each other's names. However, it shows that you are not only paying attention, but also understanding, and may take some time to practice.
How can good listening benefit your relationships?
In this model, linking good listening to perceived partner responsiveness, the Israeli-led research team found many favorable results.
One group was one that they labeled cognitive, including greater open-mindedness, a change in attitude, and less a tendency to put on a false face to impress the other person. Changes in emotions or mood have higher self-esteem, more positive emotions, and a higher sense of well-being.
Finally, in terms of behavior, good listening triggers a cascade of positive changes that can lead to a greater likelihood of self-disclosure and a higher sense of "interpersonal chemistry."
Good listening, perceptual responsiveness connections become particularly important in long-term intimate relationships.
Your partner may tell you about a successful day at work, but instead of showing that you're listening, you look bored or take pains to point out the shortcomings of the day's events. The authors insist that this poor listening is related to "relationship distress."
In summary, listening is "a positive contribution to the dynamics of a conversation, not a passive act of receiving information." Honing your listening skills by following these ten tips will allow you to strengthen broad social relationships and ultimately promote a sense of accomplishment for yourself and the people you hear.