When the sky is not light, I am awakened by a burst of "giggling" laughter from the child.
"Mom, I had a dream that I became a tree and kept running forward." She said sleepily.
"It was a special dream. Let's sleep a little longer! ”
I hugged her and went to sleep again. In this shallow sleep, I dreamed of an important person in my life.
The sky was dimly bright, awakened by the sound of doors opening and closing doors, which was a fixed moment every morning. That was the time when the girl, who didn't look like anyone else's at all, went to school.
Next door to sleep are the people who gave birth to me, the people who breathe on my pillow are the people who are born, the people who ride on the road at dawn, the people who have followed me through the cold winter, and the people who appeared in my dreams in the last morning of the year. They are the relatives in my life.
This year, they are all well! What could be more gratifying than that?
A year ends with one dream, and hopefully begins with another dream. In the middle of this half dream and half awake, half a life has passed.
This year, there were some people around. Among them were the girls I watched grow up with, and the village neighbors who were a few years older than me. Some of them were tormented by illness and ran out of oil, and some of them were strong and strong, and they left in a hurry, and they did not have time to leave a word. The fragility of life and the impermanence of life make people panic.
The word "death" is something we don't want to mention or face. Especially when people reach middle age, the people who gave birth to me need me to accompany them to grow old, and the people I gave birth to need me to lead them to grow up. In any case, I will lie in this human world that people love and hate, facing life and death, bearing gain and loss.
I call my year a half-dream and half-awake year because I can dream so well that whenever I fall asleep, this guy comes to visit, and it has been entangled with me for half a lifetime, entangled, and become a part of my life.
When I wake up from a dream, I always go into a trance for a while, thinking, is it a dream? Or is it not a dream? The moment Zhuang Zhou dreamed that the butterfly woke up, was he also in such a trance as I was, and then issued a beautiful, transcendent question like "I don't know if the butterfly is in my dream or in the butterfly's dream"?
Most of these dreams of mine are at night, sometimes during the daytime nap. They never greet me when they come, and they always give me a strange experience, as if it were another space in which I live. Many times, I'm willing to stay in that space and do what I like.
There is also a kind of dream, which is done under full lucidity, commonly known as daydreaming. Daydreams are not real dreams, but some people's re-arrangements of their imperfect lives. This daydream, I also do it often.
I would think about going back in time to my youth and rearranging my life. Whether it is a feeling or a dream, it is certainly no longer a compromise.
I would think, if it wasn't for that summer of that year, what kind of person would I meet? What kind of things have you experienced? Where will life go?
I would think, with a person's ending, is it to look at the scenery in parallel, or to go to their respective distances after intersecting?
These daydreams have little to do with my life. Life is trivial, not as beautiful as in words, and even sometimes exhausting and wanting to be discarded. What life needs is rational thinking. Calculate daily expenses, plan children's education, and the way out for the future. This kind is not literary at all. If you want to live your life, you have to have a little bit of ah Q's spiritual meaning.
When I was young, I laughed very much in my heart. Ah Q was bullied, and his heart was also indignant at first, but he thought about it for a moment: the world has changed, and his son beat Lao Tzu. Thinking that I have become Lao Tzu, I have achieved psychological balance. The heart of a young man is high, how can he look up to the humble A Q? However, after decades of survival, we have all played the role of Ah Q in our lives to a greater or lesser extent. Unconsciously, I became the kind of person I couldn't look up to.
The child's grades are not good, and she worries for her, if she does not have a good job in the future, how should she be based on society? On second thought, at least her body is healthy and her mind is sunny. Thinking of those who are tormented by illness, thinking of those who have a psychological breakdown because of some small things, comfort yourself, health and peace!
Watching others live in big houses and live a life of fine clothes and food is also envious! Watching them wear expensive and beautiful clothes, beautiful passing by, my heart is also sour! But, on second thought, maybe their lives are chicken feathers.
This unconsciously turned to thought, and like Ah Q, I got a kind of psychological satisfaction.
Many times, we need this thought to soothe the regrets in life, so that the tangled heart becomes open and transparent.
This year, under the call of Teacher Yu's sentence "Worship the water dujiangyan and ask about Qingcheng Mountain", I searched for thousands of miles. See how a person surrenders to a river, and see how a mountain fulfills the dream of a snake.
Those far away! It was a call from a past life that drew me closer. Again and again to get closer, farther away, far away, closer, like the return and journey of life again and again.
On the last night of 2021, I slammed into a glass door with a big bag on my forehead. In the darkness, a voice reminded me that walking in this ever-changing human world is inevitable to stumble and stumble. Pain is inevitable, tears have been raging, some people have flowed in the eyes, some people have flowed in the heart. We are bound forward by the times and fate, and no one can stop.
Fortunately, there is still a dream, and it is inseparable from me! Together we go far into the distance.