After the end of the year, they also began to work, and some parents began to be impatient or even grumpy.
If I say that the children do not learn at all in the next few days of the Year, the parents can also find a reason for themselves "after all, it is the New Year", which is relieved by me, then the child's refusal to learn until now will inevitably make many parents crazy.
Especially when you know that many children have started to study hard early, and even insist on learning during the New Year, various negative emotions such as sadness, anxiety, irritability, dissatisfaction, etc. will continue to impact the critical point of their own rampage.
What should parents do when this happens?
The analysis of this matter is actually specific to each child, there will definitely be some discrepancies, mainly due to the child's personality, family environment and other factors.
For example, for some children, parents may only have to take back the mobile phone or criticize the child for a few things, but the same way to change a child may lead to some extreme behavior of the child, and "not capping" what runs away from home, forced to die, etc. is not impossible.
Truth be told, if the child's problem already belongs to the category of "disease", then the parents should not expect to solve the child's problem in a general way.
At this time, the most important thing for parents to do is to let professionals or professional institutions intervene.
It should be noted that the "professionals" here are not the so-called educators and psychological counselors, and what children need most at this time is the professional guidance of psychologists.
Of course, the first two do not mean that they will not play a role at all, but we said that once the child's problem reaches the level of "disease", it no longer belongs to the ability and responsibility of these two.
If the child's problem does not reach the level of "disease", there will be more solutions that can be tried and solved on their own.
This article is mainly about this kind of situation, and parents can try to do it.
Active abandonment of ineffective solutions
In dealing with this problem, the vast majority of parents are most likely to take three main measures:
1. Be reasonable.
Including the importance of learning (grades), the importance of hard work, the significance of vacation learning, etc.;
2. Compare others.
Try to make children feel anxious and urgent through the behavior of others (especially the children of classmates, relatives and colleagues), so as to achieve the purpose of urging children to take the initiative to learn.
3. Nagging.
This is the main component of the most common "traditional family education", many parents even if they do not do the above two things will be accustomed to "matter matters" to nag their children, of course, in the eyes of the parents themselves, "nagging" is not right, parents often feel that this is "reminding" and "urging".
Strictly speaking, the above methods are definitely problematic, but they are not absolutely useless, after all, individual differences still exist.
But what I want to emphasize is that if parents find that we have done the above things, but the effect is very poor, don't repeat these senseless "efforts" anymore.
Because when an act of effort doesn't make things better, it only makes the problem worse, and it's better to "say/do nothing" than to do it.
Note that we always remember that when solving a problem, we may not be able to get the best solution to the problem right away, but we must not make the problem worse and more complex, otherwise it will make the problem more difficult to solve.
Observe and analyze the child
Here there is no need for parents to have much educational and psychological knowledge and skills, but only for parents to observe and analyze with a peaceful mind as much as possible.
We can understand this as a process of "re-acquaintance with the child".
In fact, the growth of children, especially the psychological development, will far exceed the imagination of our parents, and often when we feel that the child is still the "original child", in fact, their body and mind have already undergone great changes.
Unconsciously, the child is actually not the child of the past that we are familiar with...
So how to achieve "peace of mind"?
Here I provide a "mental model" that parents can try to "apply" to some of their children's problem solving, and try it first to see how effective it is.
Put simply: the observations reveal that the benefits are definitely migrating.
For example, if you also watch a child play games without learning or brushing videos without learning, we first observe the child to see his concentration, expression changes and other performances.
Usually we come to a positive conclusion: the way a child takes a serious thing is actually quite handsome!
Then we may also find that children will actually continue to think and summarize in the process of playing or watching, and of course, they will lose their temper, self-regulate and so on.
At this time, in fact, we will find that the child is not just "playing games", then the same, the child in this process will inevitably affect the amount of their gains due to certain performances.
Instead of letting the child get rid of the shackles of the game and be angry, you can try to give the child some positive advice to help the child get a better game experience - parents will play can help the child from a professional and technical point of view, do not understand, will not play those games it does not matter, can guide the child from the mentality to "lose again" "more from the tactical, technical, team perspective to improve", etc., even if the above can not be done, then to affirm what the child will have a very positive, very sunny state and performance when playing the game.
In short, there is one goal - to make the child believe that we see not only the negative and negative side of his game, but also the positive side of the relationship with him.
To know that no child who is addicted to games does not know that he should not be addicted to games, and does not know that his parents do not like to be addicted to games, which is the same as when a child does something wrong when he is a child and is afraid of being criticized and punished by his parents. The only difference is that they now feel "big", so they have more ability to "resist" or rely on.
But we all know that different attitudes of parents when it comes to solving their children's mistakes will have different effects on their children.
It's just that we are really too afraid of the "harm of the game" and make it easy for us to become anxious, impatient, and aggressive in dealing with this problem.
Giving the child "affirmation" will reduce the child's resistance psychology, and to a certain extent, it will also reduce the child's defense psychology.
In fact, every child who is playing a game will be instinctively nervous when they find their parents close, because they will know exactly what they are going through and what they are fighting against next.
Therefore, the effect of parents doing the opposite will be better than the effect of developing according to the script, at least it will disrupt the child's own "rhythm", which will make the development of things "out of control" for the child.
When the child loses control of the development of things, then the chances of the parents taking the initiative increase.
After many affirmations (note "multiple" to convince the child that we are really sure), we can try to encourage the child to transfer these affirmed advantages to learning.
Remember not to be too greedy and try to get your child to do the best in one step.
For example, when children are very focused when playing games, then we encourage children to focus on learning for 1 hour, and then continue to play games to rest - the law of parents " playing cards" must not let children grasp.
After reaching this hot situation, in most cases the child will "give a face", and as long as the child goes to learn, even if it is not focused enough, we must affirm its "attitude of trying to be focused".
Parents still do not "play cards" according to the routine, and the development of things is still not in the child's cognition and control.
Then take the initiative to remind the child: "When the time comes, you can go play for a while." ”
At this time, parents should pay attention not to go away, but to look at the child's learning results in front of the child very seriously.
Similarly, don't "play cards" according to the routine, even if the child writes poorly, we can say: "I thought you would not be able to calm down and fool things, but I did not expect you to write better than I expected." ”
There is no need to say something like "I hope you will perform better next time" at this time, because once you say it, you are back in the "routine".
At this point, we'd better talk to the child about how many rounds we want him to play or how long it will take to do something else.
That's when we can walk away.
Leave the child a quiet environment to enjoy the game on their own.
This "model" can actually be used in many things, and its purpose is that we should reduce the emphasis on negative problems, create more positive effects, and let children feel the sense of experience brought by those positive effects, just like the attraction of the game itself, because there is a very positive sense of experience that makes them prefer and more willing to spend time doing it.
Take the initiative to alleviate the child's "guilt"
In traditional family education, the "blow" is often the parents who use more educational means, and another more means is to reinforce the "bad results" and their effects.
It can't be said that these educational methods are meaningless, but when your child plays games and does not learn, such educational methods will hardly have any positive impact, especially when these problems are told to children by us.
In fact, those children who are addicted to games (children who have not reached the level of "disease") are not unaware of their inappropriate behavior, not that they do not want to learn well and receive various praises and recognition. In fact, when they are addicted, their hearts will also be a little "throbbing" because they think about learning and thinking about the future.
In most cases, children will also have "guilt", "shame" and even some psychological problems such as "inferiority" and "self-denial" because they cannot control themselves.
In this case, the more irritable and angry the parents are, the easiest to cause is to let the child "accept" the current self, rather than to make changes according to the expectations and requirements of the parents.
The meaning of "anger into anger" is known, what is the core of the word? The emotional performance described by this word seems to be "anger", but in fact, the core of it is because of "shame".
When parents emphasize their children's deficiencies and mistakes, the more reasonable they are, the more they will cause their children to feel "ashamed", and most children are difficult to achieve "shame and courage", and more children must be "ashamed and angry".
Because "anger" will solve many problems, and anger itself is also very easy to "addictive", because it even has the effect of "pressure" - after the child is angry, he is very likely to blame all the faults on the parents who irritate him, and will find a bunch of excuses (such as not knowing himself, not caring about himself, not caring about himself, not caring about himself, simple and rude education, etc.) to make himself a persecuted person.
In such a state of mind, they tend to insist on "wrong" behaviors, because these behaviors are given some other meaning - "revenge" and "fight back" against their parents.
Children are prone to the mentality of "the reason why I am like this is because of you".
Before this point, the balance of the child's inner "struggle" has been completely tilted to one side...
Holidays are different from other times, especially those children who have been addicted to games for a long time, and their homework and learning tasks may have been in a situation where they can't finish no matter how hard they try.
In this case, if parents emphasize what will happen if they can't finish writing, do you think that the child is more likely to simply not write or will lose the mobile phone to try to finish?
Therefore, at this time, what parents should do should be to alleviate the contradiction of the child's "definitely can't finish the homework".
Parents can communicate with their children's teachers at this time, and it is better to get the support and cooperation of teachers - for example, we only do the more important and sure to complete (not the kind of situation that can be completed without resting and learning). If it can be confirmed by the teacher, it will also play an encouraging role for the child.
Parents should not regret whether the child is learning less and is too concerned about whether the child's failure to learn will cause the child to not keep up after the school starts.
We need to look at things more from the perspective of "things are slowly getting better".
Having a child go from playing 12 hours a day to playing only 10 hours a day is progression in itself, and reducing the difficulty of those 2 hours will be much less difficult than trying to reduce the child's 10 hours of play time or even trying to make the child not play for a minute.
In fact, as long as things go in a good direction, it is very good, because when we can solve the "2 hours", we have the conditions that are conducive to us to solve the "2 hours"...
Seeing this, I don't know if parents who are suffering from their children's play games and not learning feel rewarded, after all, the situation of each child and each family is still different, and there will be no way to solve all the problems.
But I hope that the positive attitudes, positive problem-solving, and analytical perspectives shared today will be taken seriously by parents, after all, doing so will not make the problem worse, you say?