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01
Two days ago, a hot search about #How to look at parents abandoning self-education attracted the attention of many parents. The discussion is the news of the unexpected death of Zhang Yide, a Chinese student who has just been a freshman at Emory University in the United States, and may be that for most netizens, Zhang Yide is just an excellent international student who died because of some accidents, but for many mothers who are active on the Internet, Zhang Yide and his father "one get his father" is a god-like existence.
At that time, Zhang Yide's father's resignation and sale of a house and a single baby attracted widespread attention in the parenting circle, and his nearly "perfect" educational achievements for his son were admired and followed by countless mothers, and many media reported it. And Zhang Yide also lived up to expectations, high school can get 200,000 scholarships, with the TOEFL test near the full score of the admission to Emory University, he is the perfect model of "old" education, is sought after and enshrined in the temple of education model.
However, the protagonist Zhang Yide chose to make this perfection come to an abrupt end at the moment of success, and Zhang Yide's father wrote a long letter to his son's classmates saying, "All the decisions in my son's life, I unconditionally respect, identify, and accept, including this time, his final decision." ”
There is no perfection in the absolute sense of this world, but the end of the pursuit is a complete "destruction".
When Zhang Yide was one year old, his parents divorced, and Zhang Yide's father sold the big house in the city center and rented a small courtyard in a remote rural area to grow vegetables, raise chickens and make a living. At the same time, there is a single father in the online parenting circle, netizens affectionately call him "one of his fathers", or "fathers", fathers like to share their experience with their babies on the platform, the activity is very high, and the popularity is quite strong.
From the beginning of Zhang Yide to learn language, his father asked him to communicate only in English at home, and after the three-year-old could hold a pen, his father had to talk to him about the pen again, and the child wanted what he couldn't say, he had to draw it.
His father liked to take pictures of him, and in 17 years, he took more than 200,000 photos of Zhang Yide, and he had to take them every day.
Zhang Yide has eaten all kinds of fancy delicacies since he was a child, every meal his father can put into a painting, carrots and other dishes are carved into English letters for cooking, and there is a wall in the home full of delicious dishes made by "Daddy".
Some classmates and teachers said that Zhang Yide was not born a mediocre person, perhaps related to his non-mediocre growth, his childhood did not have armor warrior Ultraman, because his time needed to cooperate with his father to perform a perfect family education.
This perfect single father has a large number of mom fans on the parenting website, they are touched by this old father, they have generous donations, Zhang Yide from elementary school to high school are expensive private schools, and these tuition fees are from the sponsorship of these mother fans, until he gets a scholarship, the father will not return the money.
Under the perfect education of his father, Zhang Yi was admitted to Emory University in the United States with near-perfect results, if the story can continue, then "Daddy" is a successful model that has devoted his life to cultivating excellent children, but unfortunately this story still ended in tragedy.
Many people think that it is because of the father's self-abandonment or the father deliberately creates an ideal world for the child, but when the child sees the real world, he feels not happiness or surprise, but difficult to accept.
These may all be the causes of the one's departure from the world, but we always have a question, that is, what does the real one look like? What does the life he really wants in his heart look like? We as outsiders don't know this, but our father may not know it.
02
In fact, many parents live in a world they think is right, but they never consider whether this is good or bad for their children.
In the first unit of Zhao Wei's female monologue drama "Hear Her Say", Yang Zi played a daughter, and she had such a monologue that said, "I know that you love me very much, but your greatest love for me should be to love yourself."
The mother resented her father, so she did not let her daughter see her father, she thought that the protection of her daughter was to look at her all the time, to monitor all her range of activities, she firmly believed that the girl should be rich so that she would not be tempted, she asked her daughter to be excellent in any way, and her daughter did as she wished. When the daughter was young, the mother did not let her fall in love, and later forced the daughter to marry and have children, the daughter really met herself who liked the boy, but the mother found the boy alone and scolded him for not being worthy of his daughter.
The mother has lived her whole life on her daughter, she thinks that if she is firmly tied to her side, she will not be hurt, she thinks that this is the right world, this is her love for her daughter, but this love makes her daughter feel suffocated and desperate.
However, whether it is a single-parent family or a complete family, if parents cannot see the real needs of their children, blindly urging or manipulating their children to grow according to their own wishes, it will bring serious negative effects to their children.
Ignoring your child's emotional needs will allow your child to accumulate a lot of negative emotions.
Parents can't use adult emotional regulation to demand children, to be moody and angry, not to suffer from gains and losses, to be spoiled, to be indestructible, and not to forget that they are just children.
Song Qian in the TV series "Little Joy" has been ignoring The emotional needs of Ying Zi, and her concern for Ying Zi from childhood to adulthood is only whether her physical health is excellent or not, and the rest is not important. The college entrance examination oath ceremony is a very important ceremony for children, but Song Qian wants to impose her feelings on her daughter, and Ying Zi's long-accumulated negative emotions eventually force her to the brink of depression.
The existence of human emotions is an inevitability, and emotional needs are also an instinct, each stage of growth has different troubles, and for children they can only trust the only parents, if the parents ignore their emotional needs for a long time, the child will not digest themselves, and eventually can only accumulate in the heart, in the long run there will be inferiority, sensitivity and many other negative emotions.
Ignoring the child's ideal needs will make the child lose self-confidence and self.
Parents always think that they will choose the best way for their children, the name is for your own good, when the child likes to play ball, but he has to let him learn the piano, when he grows up, the child likes to draw, and says that it is a waste of time, the children of the arts and sciences like the liberal arts, they want the children to learn the theory, and even until they choose the university to choose the major, they have to interfere, the hobbies are not important, it is most important to find a job, and even more will impose their ideals on the children.
In the book "Your Child Is Not Your Child", a tutor Wu Xiaodong tells the story of many children he has met, one of the chapters is called "One Line Is Not Inherited", and his mother Mingyu failed to be admitted to taipei's top North One Girls High School, so she was indoctrinated to go to North One Girls Middle School after her daughter Jasmine was 5 years old.
Jasmine grew up in a stick, and the ninety-point set was one point less. She doesn't have any hobbies and interests, and her only goal is grades. She was admitted to the North One Daughter as her mother wished, and then successfully entered the university to graduate school, Jasmine had good grades, the tutor suggested that she continue to study for a doctorate, but her mother strongly asked her to get married and have children, and even her husband was arranged.
Mingyu influenced her daughter's life, Jasmine seriously lacked self-confidence, after marriage, she was still held back by her husband and mother-in-law, even if she was very involuntary, she had no ability to resist, until she saw her own shadow in her daughter Yezi, and then she woke up and struggled to find self-worth, but those lost youth and love that had never been encountered would never have again.
Ignoring your child's frustration needs can make your child vulnerable.
Parents always want to give their children the most protection, so that they are free from harm and setbacks, hope that children can avoid the pits they have fallen, the detours they have walked, all the way smooth, but God is fair to everyone, the tribulations and failures that life should encounter are inevitable, parents cannot protect their children for a lifetime, the potholes and mud that should be walked will not be less, the first half of life will escape, the second half of life will accumulate into a bigger pit, and once the child faces the world alone, it will become vulnerable.
03
In recent years, the news of suicide of international students has frequently appeared in the news, and most of the protagonists are well-known college entrance examination students, and even many college entrance examination winners in various provinces. At the same time, in the face of the harsh college entrance examination, the same tragedy occurs every year.
In 2020, the graduate student of Dalian University of Technology ended his life with a hemp rope in the laboratory, because the experiment progressed slowly, the thesis could not be advanced, and his parents strongly suggested that he take the civil service examination, under the pressure of many parties, he could not accept his failure and mediocrity, and felt that he was a waste, so there was no value in existence.
There are many such examples, but it boils down to a commonality, they are very good from an early age, their parents taught them how to succeed, but they ignore their need to fail and become vulnerable once they encounter problems.
Raising a life is a very complicated thing, the child is not an appendage of the parents, let alone the carrier of the will of the parents, parents must really see and understand the needs of the child, in order to give the right guidance.
First, parents need to see and respect their child's needs, even if it's just a small thing
To learn to treat the child as an equal life, any joy and sorrow is normal, and for the child, even the sadness of a piece of sugar is enough to blow up his whole world, so don't always think that the child is fussy and pretentious, learn to stand in his world and experience his sadness, and then tell him how to accept, dispel and let go of these sadness in an adult way.
Strange said that the well-known player Fu Seoul, once told the story of herself and her mother in the competition, she had a very hard time with her mother when she was a child, for a while she slept in the rice warehouse, Fu Seoul was afraid of the rats in the rice warehouse, the mother did not blame her for being timid, nor did she think she was troublesome, but told her that the rats in the rice warehouse would give candy to the obedient sleeping children at night, and then the next day when she woke up, there was really a candy next to the pillow, which the mother put there.
Children's hearts are very fragile, need parents to take good care of, the same is true after growing up, in the face of huge learning pressure, parents can not only look at the score, only in the food, clothing and sleep to work hard, but should spend more time on the child's mental health. In "Little Joy", Ji Yangyang's family was initially the most problematic family, parents were not around the child for many years, the son's resistance to them was very large, but the parents always knew where the child's heart knot was, and tried to crack it, and finally the son opened the door to the father's directory, and also successfully passed the college entrance examination.
Second, parents should see their child's dreams, even if they are whimsical
A generation has a generation of living methods, this is a sentence often said by the elderly, seemingly a light sentence, but contains far-reaching significance, parents should understand that children have their own life, their life has little to do with us, they should have their own ideals of life. And what parents have to do is to return the choice to their children, and then tell them what kind of methods to use to achieve their dreams, do not arbitrarily evaluate the children's dreams, all the unknowns are possible to be realized, and the future belongs to them.
First Lady Hillary Clinton once wrote a book called "Lifting the Strength of the Whole Village", and on the cover it was written that "every parent can support their children to become their own leaders", Mara. Fréch illustrated the book, and then published a hardcover picture book, the story is very simple, a few children found a clearing and a tree, and then whimsically wanted to build a playground here, they told the idea to the adults in the village, each adult listened carefully to their opinions, and then wanted to do their best to help the children achieve this wish.
The dream of being respected by parents can become an ideal, the ideal of being able to get help from parents can become a reality, and the key to whether a child's future can succeed is to let his own dreams shine into reality, rather than imposing his parents' dreams on him.
Finally, parents should see their child's failure and face it with him
Hope to become a dragon, this is a hurdle that every parent can't get over, so parents are eager to be invincible, sweep away all the thorns and bumps on the road of children's growth, and give him a slippery road straight to success, but this is simply impossible. Teaching a child how to face failure and accept his own mediocrity and imperfection is more important than just teaching him to succeed.
Liu Chuanzhi once talked about his parents' education of himself in a program, he recalled that when he was 17 years old, he was eliminated from the pilot examination, and missed the opportunity to apply for other universities, there were only two ways in front of him to retake the exam, or not to give up the university to employment or become a soldier, such a failure was an extremely heavy blow to Liu Chuanzhi at that time, but after his father knew, he only said a word to him, "No matter what industry you do in the future, as long as you are an upright person, you are my good child." This sentence has always encouraged Liu Chuanzhi, so that he can survive every obstacle in the future.
Respect the failure of the child's growth, he can not have to take the first place every time, as long as he works hard, he can not be the class leader, as long as he has happy friends, he can not be the best among his peers, as long as he is kind and upright. Teaching a child to accept failure is far more important than teaching him to succeed by any means.
It is said that the child is a blank piece of paper, but the painter should not be the parent, but should be the child himself, the parents should choose what kind of support to give them according to the real needs of the child, rather than blindly living in their own world, hollowing themselves out to force the child to accept, and finally they moved themselves, and the child has not wealth, but shackles. To learn to observe and wait for the child, growth is a long process, not copy-paste, not formula calculation, no life can be predetermined, to allow the child to fail, make mistakes, sad. To see the real needs of children, it is more important to properly "take a hand" than to tie down and support without principle.
Teacher Lu Bei, national second-level psychological counselor, senior parenting teacher, university psychology teacher, Bao Mama; multi-platform contracted author, committed to using the most straightforward language to tell, let parents understand the most profound parenting knowledge, grow up with their children!