Light up yourself, illuminate the world, and the education of love is the future
Recently, a video number of Sister G's interview with her mother went viral.
Mother G in the video, gentle and intellectual, but firm and confident. If it weren't for Sister G's own revelations, it would be really hard to see how unfortunate Mother G's original family was.
For as long as I can remember, Mum G has been in the quarrels and even fights of her parents, until she was 9 years old, and her parents finally divorced.
At this time, although the war between her parents was over, she and her brother had no one to ask for. Both parents also quickly formed a new family.
Therefore, the G mother of childhood rarely sees her parents, and in the process of living with her grandmother, her father at least pays back living expenses, but her mother basically cannot see.
Coupled with the fact that in that era, very few people divorced, so the divorce of G's mother and parents was almost a well-known event, and the sisters and brothers could not avoid suffering from a lot of strange eyes.
In order to support the sisters and brothers, grandma has to subsidize the family, and she also neglects to discipline the sisters and brothers.
The divorce of her parents made G's mother very precocious, and from an early age she understood that "she could only rely on herself for everything", and was abandoned by her parents, in addition to making her unhappy, but also made her feel bottomless in the face of conflict and unwilling to deal with people.
Although Mum G wants to avoid the crowd, Grandma has a good face and is often taught not to be polite.
So the childhood G mother, although with good grades, also once went to a state of almost autism.
Just like the psychologist Adler's famous quote: "Happy people use childhood to heal their lives, and unfortunate people use their lives to heal their childhood."
Get such a childhood script, no one loves no one cares, I feel that it is rare not to learn badly, but Mother G has rewritten her life through her own efforts.
Although there is no elaboration in the hard video, from the objective and rational analysis of mother G's original family every time, we can easily find that in fact, we can escape the misfortune of the original family, and even finally enter Harvard, and G mother's various beliefs are inseparable.
01 Regarding parent-child relationships, the subject needs to be separated
In the video, G's mother said: For us, there is only one parent, and there is no choice, but the parents' feelings are their own business after all. They didn't handle it well and paid the price.
Hearing this, I really can't help but applaud Mum G.
In "The Courage to Be Hated", a concept was mentioned - the separation of subjects, simply put, who bears the consequences of an event, that is, whose subjects, and for other people's problems, we must learn to look at them separately and not interfere.
G's mother's view of the divorce of her parents is a good separation of subjects. Parents divorced because they couldn't handle the relationship between themselves, not because of the "me" as children.
It's actually hard to see that. Because many times, as a child, it will become a glue to a family, and the contradictions between parents will inevitably pull the child in.
Just like the girl Yuna in the TV series "Female Psychologist", because of her sensitivity to the changes in the relationship between her parents, she made herself a "bad boy", fighting with her classmates, entering the police station because of stealing things, and deliberately getting herself cold and hurting herself.
All this is to allow the parents to focus on her, rather than the contradictions between the parents themselves.
Therefore, in the parent-child relationship, we need to separate the subjects more, and do not force the responsibility of parents to take the responsibility of the children.
Including when asked whether G's mother would hate her parents because she could not see them when she was a child, G's mother also said objectively that her parents did not come to see her, it was the lack of responsibility of her parents themselves, not that she was not good as a child. So she never doubted herself.
It is precisely because of this belief of G's mother that in adulthood, G-mom can establish a good relationship with her parents, and even every member of the parents' respective restructured families. As Sister G herself lamented, no matter how big or small the festival, their family is very busy, because she has two pairs of grandmothers and grandfathers.
Because of separation, so understanding, because of separation, so do not doubt themselves, only if there is no burden in the heart, can you have a choice, take on your own responsibilities.
02 Regarding the original family, it cannot be used as an excuse
Regarding her own family, G's mother said in the video: The imperfection of the original family is actually normal, but it is more important not to use this as an excuse. I am deeply touched by this.
When I returned to my hometown at the beginning of the year, I was startled by my cousin's state. It has been 3 years since graduation and she has been unemployed at home. When they met her at home, she was wearing pajamas, completely untrimmed, and a little fatter than when she was in school.
Later, I learned that since her senior parents divorced, her state has not been very good, although after graduation, although her aunt also thought of ways to send her to work in the enterprise, but she resigned after a few days of work.
She always felt that it was all the fault of her parents, and they should not choose divorce at a critical moment in her life, so that she missed every time.
In fact, when the cousin blames her parents for her poor life, because the original family as the past cannot be changed, it is difficult for her to change.
But we will find that there are always exceptions to everything. Just like the G mother in the video, the original family is not good, the childhood quarrels are constant, and after the age of 9, she was abandoned by her parents, if you want to find excuses, she must have a lot.
But in the video, G's mother always mentions her parents, but does not complain, but is very objective and full of understanding of her parents.
Everyone's original family has more or less problems, and only by not using the original family as an excuse will we focus on ourselves and begin to change ourselves.
03 Regarding the responsibility of life, we must take the initiative to take responsibility
Regarding life responsibilities, G's mother said 2 points in the video:
First, we must do what we should do, especially those who do not like but must do;
The second is not to always stare at the mistake of the parents, but to find a way to focus on their own lives, if you recognize that the original family has problems, take the initiative to change.
For taking responsibility for your own life, it is easier said than done.
Every stage of life has responsibilities at every stage.
When she went to school, although her parents divorced, no one loved and no one cared, she felt empty inside, but even so, he never gave up studying, and she understood her responsibility as a student.
Later, grandma fell seriously ill, and Mother G suddenly forgave her parents, after all, what is more important than her parents' survival?
So later she took the initiative to take back the right to choose, her parents did not see her, she went to see her parents, only then did she send good things to her parents every New Year's Day, and slowly broke the ice with her parents, and now she has a good relationship with both families.
We all want to choose what we like to do, but there are many things that should be done in life, and taking on the things that we can't escape, we can become an emotionally mature person.
As written in the book "Beyond the Original Family": an emotionally mature person should not only be able to get close to others emotionally, but also be unaffected by the opinions, needs and evaluations of others.
I feel that I should try to do it, and I don't care whether the other party has changed, which requires a strong heart and a lot of tolerance.
04 About growth, reading changes destiny
In the video, Sister G also told the growth story of G's father.
Sister G's father is a person with a rich heart but is not good at expressing himself, coupled with the fact that he was busy with his career when he was young, he was more strict than warm to Sister G when he was a child.
Until Sister G divorced, G suddenly called her, saying that she was sorry for Sister G, because she was too strict when she was a child and neglected her love for her daughter, which led to Sister G meeting a person who was slightly better for her and running away, and the marriage was unfortunate.
As Mother G herself summed up: parents also need to continue to learn, which means that there are always people who learn well, and there must be people who fail.
This reminds me of a scene in "Please Answer 1988": Zende's father once ignored Zendeok's birthday, and then when he found her, he said in a serious voice, "Daddy, I'm not born to be a dad."
Who says it's not? As a parent, if you want to become a better native family for your children, you must continue to learn.
And learning is also the only way to change your destiny.
The reason why G's mother was able to escape from the misfortune of her original family is not unrelated to her love of reading.
When her parents first divorced, G's mother also hated it, and even once autistically, but reading opened another door for her life.
Many of the truths in the book make her feel relieved about her parents' affairs, and also make her tolerant and accept everything, whether good or bad.
Therefore, when we face the contradiction between parents and children, we can achieve the separation of subjects, distinguish clearly whose responsibilities are, and do not doubt self-blame, life will be a lot less internal friction;
When we face the original family, we can face the problems head-on, take on our own life responsibilities, and take the initiative to choose to bear, and the change is in everyone's own hands;
When we insist on growing, through learning, reading, and constantly broadening our horizons, we will not only be more tolerant of the world, but also have more possibilities of happiness.
Although as the saying goes, "parents are the biggest destiny of children", just like at the end of the video, Sister G summed up: life is a multiple choice question.
Yes, our original family must have a profound impact on everyone's life, but whether this "fate" takes effect depends on our specific choices.
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