Wen | Cai Jiaxin
Editor| Wang Shan
It's a face that can't be more ordinary. The face is shaped, the eyebrows are thick, and the cheeks are piled with thick flesh. When speaking, a smile hangs on the corner of the mouth, and the two eyeballs follow the up and down, which is the appearance of thinking. If you look closely, you will find that the eyeball has no focus and is still a little cloudy, like a layer of ash.
Li Zhijian, 22, is the owner of these eyes. He was born premature, was sent to an incubator at birth, was poisoned by oxygen, and suffered from retinal detachment, causing total blindness. From the years when he had memories, the world was empty. He said he had never seen a color or a sense of picture.
Like most blind people, Li Zhijian lives in unseen corners. He was afraid of the outside environment, did not go out alone, 24 hours a day, and was trapped in the house called home. During the day, when the family goes to work, he stays alone in the room. He had long decided to nibble on the old age at home, neither doing massages nor trying to become a remarkable minority. As for the future, he "didn't think about it."
The web is his other world. Li Zhijian explores in it, understanding the world he can't go out of. He chatted with netizens on the computer, "watched" medical and political videos, and learned to trade with virtual currency. When his family and classmates encountered problems with electronic products, they would come to him for advice, and he got a sense of self-identification and accomplishment from it.
In January, Li Zhijian's secret garden was discovered: a Zhihu account called "Curious Baby", who described himself as "a visually impaired youth who did nothing." There, he would open his heart, such as believing that there must be a person in the world with a different gender, but the same concept as himself; happiness is simple, it may be a shrimp tart to eat, or it may be the packaging box of a new mobile phone.
In a short period of time, the account poured in a lot of attention and comments. Li Zhijian is a little uncomfortable, but he does not resist, he will imagine if he wants to become an Internet celebrity? When invited by the media, he described the excitement as, "On the same day, I found out the first prize of the two-color ball, and I couldn't sleep all night, and I wanted to rush over to collect the award immediately." ”
In the 288 questions he answered, he described his feelings about color, dreams, and face paintings from the perspective of a blind man, and also answered the details of how to use mobile phones and play games, and he was not afraid to mention love, desire, life and death.
The following is Li Zhijian's narration.
Netizen asked: What is the world of blind people like?
Curious Baby: I can't see it at all, my world is blank, there are no colors, only the world inside the brain, and the sound, and The Google search. For example, I thought of the word skin thirst before, and then I typed it into a Google search, and the answer was exactly the same as I thought.
There was nothing in front of my eyes, it was an empty space, which is difficult to describe in words. Like you ask me, what salt is, I have a hard time telling you. When I dream, I don't have pictures, only sounds and feelings. One of the most memorable dreams was when I was controlled by other children in elementary school, and the strongest feeling at that time was that I was caught, I couldn't move, and then I woke up.
I can't understand the pattern. For example, when I'm curious, I ask healthy people, like whatsApp, and they say it's a phone in a bubble so I can understand. I also have no concept of color. I like blue because my family tells me that blue is for boys and pink is for girls.
I usually rely on sound to recognize people, and I also pay attention to the sound of electronic products. PS4 PS5 (game console) released, I went to the Internet to search for the preview screen video, listen to what the up, down, left and right buttons sound. There is also the Switch, wifi connection success sound I know.
A lot of blind people don't eat fish, and so do I, not because I don't want to, because I'm afraid of fish bones, but I eat salmon, or Japanese sushi fish. Usually my family will take care of me. The so-called care means that my mother and my sister will take me out to eat, and will tell me what this ice cream tastes like, tiramisu or vanilla, then I will have a memory, the next time I buy dessert, I will know which one I want. But many blind friends do not have this experience, we started McDonald's takeaway, asked them what to eat, actually did not know the name, only said that they wanted the spicy.
Netizen question: How does the visually impaired person spend his day?
I have nothing to do but play on the computer. Since I have a mobile phone and the Internet, I can watch a lot of content, and [life] is less boring.
Every day, I watch medical, political and travel videos. I've learned massage, I've memorized humanities, medical videos talk about terms that resonate with me and I understand what it's talking about. Doctors in Taiwan like to use English when they talk about drug names, and I will write down these words specifically.
I'm a curious person, and I have to get something through until I understand it. Before I bought a Hong Kong mobile phone card online, the other party asked me to pay with USDT, which is virtual currency. I asked him how to use it, and he said, you ask someone else yourself. I think why would others, as far as I would not? I went to learn layer by layer, knew Bitcoin, Tether, and also figured out the wallet address. It's a very fulfilling thing. I also make an apple system installation disk, in case the computer is broken, you can directly reinstall.
Blind friends around me are not interested in these things, they like to listen to novels, but I usually don't read books. I am a special person among my classmates, because I know more things. In the past, a classmate asked what britz was, I explained, and someone next to me said that Li Zhijian had a wide range of knowledge. Sometimes, I also teach them how to use mobile phone software, such as how to transfer money to others on WeChat. I am proud to be able to directly crush my peers, but I would prefer them to be better than me, so that I will be more excited when communicating.
● Li Zhijian's desk, he usually buys medical books and lets his family read them to him. Courtesy of the narrator
Netizens asked: China's disabled population accounts for about 0.6% of the total population, why do they rarely see them in daily life?
Curious Baby: It's simple, because the accessibility in the country is very poor. I'd rather stay at home for the rest of my life than go out (unless my family takes me out to play).
I was timid and didn't have the ability to travel independently, and the farthest distance I'd ever traveled alone was to take out the garbage, just downstairs. I don't have a blind cane at all, and I go out with my family. As a teenager, I thought about going out on my own and thinking about the accessibility outside. Some of the blind lanes outside are broken, irregular, and there are no ramps.
I enjoyed traveling, but no one took me. In 2014, my sister and brother went to Shanghai with me, and that was the first time we flew. I checked the process online in advance and then directed my sister. For example, tell her that it is not yet time, and it is not possible to check in early to the check-in counter, so you can go to breakfast first. On that trip we went to the City God Temple, ate Xiao Yang Sheng fried, I liked the crayfish the most, although it was very troublesome to peel.
The first time I went to Hong Kong, I wanted to take the self-help channel at the Luohu port, but I was stopped, because it was face recognition, I was completely blind, and they were worried about identifying the eyes, and they couldn't get by. Later, at the Hong Kong-Zhuhai-Macao Bridge, the border inspectors said that this does not recognize the eyes and can take the self-service channel. After that, I was at the Luohu port, and the young man on duty asked me repeatedly, are you sure you can go (self-service channel)? I said I walked through, the floodgates opened, I was nervous and wanted to rush over, he comforted me, just walk slowly. Someone next to him said, "Wow, this kid can't see that he can actually walk through the self-help channel." ”
I love staying in hotels, and my family usually takes me to star hotels, like The Ritz-Carlton in Guangzhou, Kaisa Marriott hotel in Shenzhen, Waldorf Astoria on the Bund in Shanghai. I directed the whole time out. The first thing I did when I went into my hotel room was to study the landline phone and let others read what the buttons on the phone were for, such as which was the switchboard service and which was the first aid. If you leave me alone in the hotel room, I will not have any strange feelings, I want to go anywhere, I can call the waiter, I have a bottom in my heart.
But I still didn't dare go out alone. From Dongguan to Luohu Port, I asked my family to take me over. After the security check, I also waited for my family first, otherwise I was worried about problems in the back, and I couldn't do it alone. Someone takes them out and stays home when they don't. During the epidemic, a blind person forwarded a paragraph saying that normal people find isolation uncomfortable, but for people with disabilities, we are used to it.
● Tianjin, a cement facility lying horizontally on a blind alley.
Netizen question: Talk about it, as a disabled person, do you regret coming to this world?
Curious Baby: Regret. When I was a child, I felt that there was no problem with not seeing with my eyes, because my family could take me to play and know that there was a problem when I grew up. Sometimes I wonder, why didn't my mom kill me at that time?
I knew early on that I was different from others. When I was 4 or 5 years old, my brother was playing a game, and there was a jumping action in it, and my brother said, you can't see it and can't play. Another time, I was going to watch Tom and Jerry, and my brother said, this one doesn't talk, you won't watch it.
I know Tom and Jerry doesn't speak, but I want to hear that voice. These times, I realize the difference between myself and others. I also felt unfair, but there was no way, slowly it was like this.
Blind people can learn massage, I don't want to do massage, I don't have a talent for music, I can only live at home. Studying in a blind school, I didn't study hard and my grades were not good. Those who can get into ordinary high school are all individual cases, and I don't have to pursue the 0.1% chance. I think it is enough to finish 9 years of compulsory education, and I can type and surf the Internet.
● March 4, Beijing, 2022 Beijing Winter Paralympic Games, the opening ceremony was held. Blind torchbearer Li Duan lit the main torch of the Winter Paralympic Games.
Netizen asked: I am disabled, should i pursue a boy who likes it?
Curious baby: If you like it, go chase it.
I am an inferior person, which refers to the inferiority of finding an object in love, because I can't see and can't do anything. In real life, I didn't think about finding a partner, I had no goal, and I didn't want to know anyone. My mother always said that the money should be saved and used to find a girlfriend in the future, and I was very annoyed with these words. She would occasionally ask me to find someone and I would reply to her, aren't you exploiting women?
I don't yearn for love. This may be because I've heard a lot of blind people's breakup experiences. A man is completely blind, the girl is low vision, the two broke up halfway through, and the girl found a healthy person. Later I thought it was normal, a totally blind person can't take her out to play, but a healthy person can take you out.
I used to know a guy at a volunteer event who was expressive, very talkative, and had a bear-like personality. At that time, I thought that this person could understand it. He was my first friend in the true sense of the word, and we chatted on WeChat almost every day, and I felt that this was a bit beyond friendship and not like love. Sometimes I say, why did I know you at that time, so that I don't know what I like? He replied, you don't think about this, knowing is having a relationship. His eyes can see a little, and sometimes, I feel a little inferior, after all, we are not the same, he can travel independently.
Netizens ask: Do born blind people have sexual desire?
Curious Baby: Yes. But desire will be weak.
My eyes are completely invisible, every day at home, for a long time, there is no sexual desire. Very early on, I'll do it myself (fix it), so I'm not depressed.
Biology classes will be taught (physiological knowledge), but not completely. In the third grade of elementary school, a student in our class, because his eyes could not see, hit the breast of the girl in the same class. The class teacher specifically told us that this is absolutely not allowed, this part must not be touched, and at that time, we also talked about the physiological terms of vagina and penis. A classmate told me about his experience of having a room with a girl, and I felt very excited to listen to it. But I didn't think to look for one.
I can't get married. Low vision certainly doesn't look for me, neither of them can see, and it's hard to meet. In 2020, I met the boy I liked, my aunt took me, and his brother took him. At the milk tea shop, my face was constantly hot, he had some vision, and asked me, why are my ears so red? The last time we met, it was the end of the 2016 middle school entrance examination. Meeting is definitely better than WeChat chat, because you can touch each other, but there is no way, and now you can chat every day.
Netizen asked: Is there any hope that you will die before your parents (not suicide)?
Curious Baby: My eyes are completely invisible, and now my mother takes care of me. If my mom died suddenly, I wouldn't be able to get by. So I would also have the idea of hopefully dying before my mom. I discussed this with my mom. My mother's answer was that if you died first, then I would be relieved and wouldn't have to worry about helping me find a girlfriend. I think the best state is that I suddenly have a terminal illness and then my mother sends me away.
In 2013, my eyes detected high intraocular pressure, and in 2016 and 2019, I also had repeated problems. I will think, now that everyone is busy, will no one take me to the hospital in the future? Some time ago, my mother was hospitalized for a physical examination, my ears were a bit problematic, my brother-in-law was going to take the child to the hospital to see the ears, I told my sister, I also went to see. My sister said that my brother-in-law could not come alone and would go again next week.
There is no way, you have to go to the end of your life, and loneliness will definitely come. If my sister moved out and no one took me to play, I would have lived to be 25 years old. In the first grade, the teacher talked to the parents and said that the child could not be with the parents all the time, because the parents might not be there one day. That's when I realized, what should I do if my parents aren't there? I don't understand this question now, I can only escape.
I don't know when I'm going to die, and I'm afraid of the traces disappearing. So, I just backed up a lot of files. I have two mobile SSDs that hold my junior high school Chinese homework, photos from performing "Mulan Poems" at school, and daily life photos, such as traveling to Shanghai and Beijing. If I disappear, my family can go and read it.
I also think about my own dying scenes. If I have a terminal illness, I don't want first aid, and I don't want to hang venous nutrition, because it doesn't make sense, it will only cause me pain and prolong the process of death. On my deathbed, if the social worker asked me what I had accomplished in my life, I would have answered no. Now, I will answer, I have been on the public account, interviewed by the media.
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