As parents, many times we are more confused.
I am 10 years old, and sometimes when I encounter something urgent, angry and funny, I can't help but hit me a few times. Once, I actually returned the hand and hit it back.
She hit me a total of three times that day:
The first time, I asked her, "Why are you hitting me?" She said," Mommy wasn't good. ”
The second time, I said, "I know you're just in a hurry to get what you want, and your mother will know when you say it." You see you hit me, it really hurts. Today is the second time you hit me, and if there is a third time, I will unceremoniously call back. You can't beat me, you have to understand that. ”
The third time, she hit me again, leaving behind what she had told her before, so I waited for her to finish and told her very firmly, "You're done, now it's my turn, right?" "Then I returned it with the force she had just hit me."
I don't judge the right and wrong of "fighting back". But for the question of whether children beat people and whether to beat people back in the end, we really need some clear and scientific cognition. We need to know, why do children hit people and behave aggressively? Does this aggressive behavior mean that the child has a problem? How should we scientifically guide our children's aggressive behavior?
01
Why do children hit people? Will there be aggressive behavior?
1, aggressive behavior, is an instinctive response of people
Everyone can be aggressive, without exception. When a person is extremely aggrieved and angry, when a person is desperate for something and is threatened by competition, he may have aggressive tendencies. If it can be reasonably transformed, this aggressive tendency can be transformed into an intrinsic struggle and courage to face it head-on, aggression is an important driving force for struggle and achievement.
In ancient times, human beings were extremely scarce in survival materials, and those who did not have any aggression in the face of homogeneous competition have long ceased to exist, so our genes have more or less inherited such aggressive genetic memories.
2, the child will attack, essentially because of the development of his language system and insufficient emotional control ability
At what stages of aggressive behavior are most intense in children? Children around the kindergarten stage. Around the age of 3, children have self-awareness, but they have just learned to speak, and their ability to master language, expression ability is not enough, and self-emotional control ability is not enough. So when they encounter something, the first instinctive reaction must not be to "talk well", but to hit people with their hands.
This is a manifestation of the child expressing "I am very upset". That's why he was robbed of his toys and beaten people, his mother didn't understand what he meant to hit people, and his grandmother wouldn't cover the quilt and beat people...
3, the growth environment, education and guidance chaos will also lead to children hitting people
For example, I have seen a video of a certain audio and video blogger before: the parents in the video like to express their emotions in a mobile way. When you are happy, let the child play, saying that you beat your mother, your father helps you, and when you are unhappy, you educate your child, "How can you beat people?" "This is actually very easy to bring chaos to children, causing children to lose their temper and beat people."
02
How do we guide our children? Help him transform aggression into inner strength?
1. Empathize with your child and understand the needs behind his aggressive behavior
The reason why the child will attack is because one of his needs is not met, and he cannot express it properly in language, so he can only instinctively express it with aggressive behavior. At this point we just need to "see" him, see his needs, and ask him "Baby, you were just angry and angry, right?" You wanted that toy, but mom stopped you, right? "Baby, you want to sleep now, but Your mother didn't pay attention to you in time and take care of your needs, so you're in a hurry, aren't you?" ......
In this way, the child's needs are seen, his emotions are released, and his aggressive behavior stops.
2. Help children and slowly learn to replace their aggressive behavior with verbal expressions
In the expression again and again, in fact, the child can slowly know that I can use language to express my needs to my parents and others, and I can get responses and satisfaction. If parents can also consciously and patiently teach their children in the process of guidance, "Baby, the next time you want to sleep, you can tell your mother that you are very sleepy, you need your mother to hug and coax, so that your mother knows how to meet you", the child will soon learn, from aggressive behavior to clear language expression. This is very helpful for children's emotional management and language expression.
3. Express to children the true feelings of others after being beaten, so that children can learn to get along better with others
After being beaten, parents can express their true feelings to their children very directly. For example, "It will hurt if you hit your mother like this, and your mother will be unhappy." "If you beat your mother like this, your mother will think that you don't like your mother, and your mother will be very sad."
I personally feel that if the child is older and the language expression and comprehension ability have reached a certain level, it is also possible to try to "fight back". Of course, the purpose of the fight back is not to really punish him, not to fight violence with violence, but to tell him that "it really hurts to be beaten." It tastes bad. ”
The communication after "fighting back" is very important, and the ultimate purpose is to let the child truly feel: the trouble and harm caused by hitting people to others, hitting people will also affect each other's relationship, and the best way to solve the problem is to talk well and communicate well.
In this way, the child will slowly learn to get along better with others.
Above all, encourage!