Author | Xu Diandian
Dad's emotional intelligence determines family happiness
A negotiator once spoke about a topic:
What should the father say after the mother yells at the child?
He listed three things Dad used to say,
Different statements lead to very different results.
The first:
"Your mother scolds you at every turn, it's almost sick!"
This is pulling the bias frame.
What are the consequences of pulling the bias frame?
The child will feel that the father is good, the mother is bad,
Only Dad is on my side.
Mom is untrustworthy.
A home is divided into opposite sides,
Mom became the enemy.
The destructive power of this to the family is enormous.
The second type:
"Play well, if you don't obey, you should fight,
If Dad shoots, he will beat him harder than your mom. ”
This is called mixed doubles.
A 13-year-old girl from a relative's house,
Parents work in the field, usually grandparents bring.
Because of disobedience, grandparents said nothing about her.
As soon as Mom and Dad came home, they rushed to file a complaint.
As a result, all four adults said that the girl was not good.
Outside, the girl meets a 13-year-old boy.
The boy said to her every day:
"You're so pretty." "Hello!" "Hello gentle."
What happened?
The girl didn't even return home.
Children who have not been recognized at home for a long time,
Will desperately want to flee.
Outside, others just give him a hint of sweetness,
He will have no reservations.
This is the consequence of mixed doubles.
The third kind:
"Well, being taught by your mother, you cry,
Dad especially understands you, come over and comfort you.
Why did your mother discipline you?
She is worried about you and wants to help you.
In fact, your mother often praises you behind your back,
Say you've made a lot of progress.
Secretly tell you,
She helped me so much once in a while, and I humbly accepted it. ”
This is the response of high emotional intelligence.
What happens to the child when he hears such words?
His anger will soon subside, and he will not complain about his mother.
So, at home, Dad's emotional intelligence must be high.
The level of Dad's emotional intelligence determines the happiness of the family.
Mom becomes a "bad guy" and someone is tearing down the stage behind her back
The relationship between mother and child is good or bad, and it has a lot to do with the family.
In many families,
Moms are the ones who take care of their children the most,
The emotional connection with the child is also the deepest.
If the mother becomes a "bad person" in the child,
Often because the mother set up the stage in front,
The family tears down the stage behind the back,
Even dismantling the stage in front of the child.
For example, the mother does not let the child play with the mobile phone,
Dad comes back to secretly take the child to play games;
Mothers tell children not to eat junk food,
Dad said:
"What's wrong with eating a little, I'm allowed."
The worst-case scenario is,
Usually it is the mother who takes care of the child with all her heart,
Dad came home like a "leader",
When he saw that the child was not right, he complained to his mother in person.
In the eyes of the child, it becomes:
My mother took care of me all day and forced me to study.
Dad worked hard and never scolded me.
High emotional intelligence dads will not tear down the stage in front of their children.
There is a "watch law" in psychology:
It's about a person wearing only one watch,
He can accurately grasp the time.
If you wear two watches, you will not be able to grasp the time.
The same is true of educating children,
It is best for a family to have only one voice.
If the mother is the main bearer of educating the child,
Then let the mother decide.
If dad doesn't approve of mom's approach to education,
Be sure to communicate with your mother privately,
Never tear down the stage in front of your child.
What are the consequences of "taiwan-breaking education"?
First of all, the child can't figure out which side is right.
The sense of proportion in speaking and doing things is destroyed.
Second, mom's authority will be challenged.
Children will ignore and disrespect their mother's opinions.
Again, the child will get used to looking at the color,
Seek refuge from the one who protects him,
In turn, develop a "two-faced" personality.
"Taiwan-style education",
It not only destroys the mother-child relationship, but also is not conducive to the growth of the child.
High emotional intelligence dad, is the glue of the family
What is it like to have a high emotional intelligence dad?
In the TV series "Little Joy",
A couple played by Huang Lei and Haiqing are both graduates of famous universities.
The son is a "scum of learning".
For this reason, the mother did not lose her temper with her son.
Despite the constant quarrels between mother and child,
But there is no real estrangement of feelings.
It's all about having a dad with high emotional intelligence behind his back.
When he regulates the contradiction between mother and child, he never reconciles with thin mud,
It is always the reason of knowing and the emotion of emotion.
The mother blames her son for not studying well,
The son complained that his mother was too strong,
He first taught his son to look at his mother sideways:
"You're better than other moms,
You think this is a really good mom. ”
Then he comforted his wife and looked at the child's progress vertically.
There is such a high emotional intelligence father in the family,
What family conflicts cannot be resolved?
High emotional intelligence dad, is the glue of the family,
It will make the whole family happy and warm.
High emotional intelligence dad, or mom's emotional regulator.
When the mother is emotionally stable and the parent-child relationship is harmonious,
Families are naturally happy.
The essence of high emotional intelligence is love and understanding
No one is born a good dad.
The so-called high emotional intelligence is actually the love and understanding of the family.
Those high emotional intelligence dads,
Often it's not because they're smart.
Nor is it because of eloquence.
It's because I love my family,
So I know how to think in empathy,
Willing to accept the emotions of the family.
Psychologically speaking,
Dad is more rational than Mom,
It is easier to stand in the other side's position and see the problem.
Especially in terms of rational communication with children,
Dad actually has an advantage over Mom.
It's also easier to be friends with kids.
A friend shared an interesting story.
When my son was in second grade,
One day I told him very seriously:
"Dad, I want to drop out of school and run away from home."
He was surprised: "Why? ”
The son began to complain to him,
For example, there is too much homework, and I can't finish writing and don't let you go out to play;
For example, his sister is not well-behaved, and always bothers him when he is writing homework;
For example, my mother has a bad temper and is too strict with him...
Dad listened, sat down, and sighed:
"I didn't expect my son to have such a hard time."
So I came up with a solution:
"In fact, Dad is tired of working overtime every day.
I often arrive home late and don't sleep well.
Or shall the two of us run away from home together? ”
When my son heard this, he was immediately excited.
He then asked his son, "How much money do you have on your hands?" ”
The son said that there are still 2,000 yuan of money for the old age.
He offered to add another 1,000 yuan,
The rest of the money is left to Mom.
Then he asked his son, "Have you ever thought about where to go?" ”
"Didn't think about it."
"That's not okay, we're going to have to design the route before we go."
So he brought the map, and the two began to study the route.
After careful calculation,
3,000 yuan can only be used for two people to save money for half a month.
The son was stunned for a moment:
"But what should I do when I run out of money?"
He suggested:
"We could pick up trash and sell money for food.
As for the place to live, you can really sleep in the bridge hole. ”
When you're done, pack your bags.
The son was dumbfounded when he heard it, and after thinking about it, he said:
"Forget it, let's not go out."
A thought of running away from home disappeared smoothly.
Imagine if the father came up and criticized the child,
The idea of a child running away from home is probably even stronger.
If you just stand on a high place and teach your children to be obedient and sensible,
But did not crouch down and communicate well with the child,
Listen to the child's thoughts, accept the child's emotions,
Well, education is flawed,
Children are lonely after all.
I've heard a quote like this:
Running a family with emotional intelligence must be happy.
At home, what is high emotional intelligence?
Is
Try to stand in the other person's shoes,
Gently guide, communicate seriously,
Be patient with your family and don't throw tantrums casually.
When we learn to think from the perspective of our families,
Many problems have naturally been solved.
If you think it is useful, please [forward] to your family,
Create a happy family together.
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Author: Diandian Xu, Editor of the Parenting Column, focuses on parenting and child psychology research. Some of the pictures are from the Internet, and the copyright belongs to the original author.