The best way to keep a marriage fresh: to refuse internal friction

Text/Youshu Su Shu Source: Youshu (youshucc)

French writer Bavary Nix said: "Marriage is a book, the first chapter is written in the poem, the rest is plain prose. ”

Everyone longs to be able to stay with their loved ones until they are old, but when the initial freshness fades, misunderstandings, and disputes become the norm of marriage.

If you are two people living together, they always like to hold things in their hearts and use cold violence or sulk as a response to each other.

Even the deepest friendship will be consumed day after day.

The most terrible thing about marriage is not lovelessness, but internal friction.

Those emotions of mutual incomprehension will make the contradictions more and more intense, and make the people who were originally in love more and more alienated.

The harmony of husband and wife is the blessing of the family, and the rejection of internal friction is the best medicine to keep the marriage fresh.

-01-

Internal friction is ruining your marriage

In the hit drama "Female Psychologist", there is a typical "internal consumption" couple Chang Song and Wu Shufang.

In order to avoid his wife's questioning, Chang Song deliberately made a note to his dance partner's phone call to 10086.

But unfortunately, the wife still inadvertently broke the truth, and the two had a big fight over it.

Shufang believes that her husband must be having an affair with her dance partner, so she will pretend to hide it;

But Chang Song said that he knew that his wife would have an overreaction, and in order to avoid unnecessary quarrels, he would change the remarks.

Psychologist Horton refers to their relationship as "chase mode":

"When encountering a contradiction, the husband's first reaction is to leave or escape, hoping that both parties can have a calm space and reduce the intensification of the contradiction."

But in the eyes of his wife, he became a 'ghost in his heart', and he chased after it even more.

One side of the chase expects a response, while the other side is always indifferent, breeding more negative emotions.

In this process of chasing and escaping, each other is constantly consuming each other, but the problem is not really solved. ”

In life, in fact, there is no shortage of such scenes:

Obviously, you can open your heart to clear things, but you have to secretly speculate on the other party's intentions and solve the problem in a way that you think is good for the other party.

In the end, instead of solving the problem, the contradictions between husband and wife have become increasingly intense.

This is a typical "marital attrition".

The way of husband and wife is honest, without frank communication, there will be no mutual understanding.

If you don't have insight into each other's needs, how can you live a smooth life?

No matter how good you give, the other party may not want it; no matter how much you give, it is only in vain.

The most terrible thing in marriage is that what is given is not wanted, what is asked is not required, and thus resentment is generated.

Internal friction is like a chronic poison, which eats away at the feelings between husband and wife, repeatedly makes people sad and chilling, and finally destroys the marriage.

-02-

Keep the marriage fresh and refuse internal friction

David Nix wrote in Our, A Journey:

"Marriage is not a plateau, it has canyons, canine teeth crisscrossing peaks, and hidden cracks, and the journey is very difficult."

Indeed, the road to marriage is not easy, and it is inevitable that the road will be stormy.

Only when both husband and wife know how to reject internal friction and operate with heart can they resolve the many problems in married life and make the feelings last for a long time.

1. See each other's needs and don't ignore each other

In the TV series "We All Have to Be Good", there is a scene that is impressive.

The full-time housewife looking for and the career-mad husband forward had a fierce argument, forward can not help but blame the wife:

"You and your son's food, clothing, shelter, and transportation, which one do you tell me not to have money for?"

I still have to buy you flowers, bags, all kinds of luxury goods, where does this money come from, you think the wind is blowing? ”

The wife broke down in an instant, saying that she had not asked for this, and she could also go out and work.

There is no need to rely on others to support, and she has never forced her husband to give her any kind of life.

The husband thinks that abundant material is the best, so he always neglects to accompany his wife.

When I heard my wife's accusation of his "widowed marriage", I only felt that the other party was making unreasonable trouble.

I have heard a saying: "Marriage does not die of conflict, but of indifference." ”

Turning a blind eye to the needs of a partner and being perfunctory is the beginning of a marriage that is dying out.

The more you avoid neglecting, the more the contradiction will become more and more intense.

Only by facing each other's needs and responding attentively in a timely manner can we minimize the consumption of feelings and make the ship of marriage sail better.

2. Solve the emotions first, and then solve the problem

Mr. Lin Yutang said: "There is no couple in the world who do not quarrel, assuming that you do not even have this common sense, please do not get married first." ”

Marriage is a trivial matter of chai rice oil and salt, and it is inevitable that there will be bumps and bumps, but the way of "quarrelling" is crucial.

If you just blindly blame each other and vent your emotions, it will become a tug-of-war of mutual consumption.

And those couples who can stay together until they are old have only learned to "solve the emotions first, and then solve the problems."

Manage emotions well and maintain rationality in order not to hurt the feelings between husband and wife;

Only by discussing things as they are and making fewer accusations can we really solve the problem.

3. Be "selfish" in marriage, and love your lover first

I once read a papi sauce about the "order of life":

"It is said that in her life, the most important thing is herself, followed by her partner, and then the children and parents."

As soon as this remark came out, it caused a lot of heated discussion on the Internet, and many people accused her of being quite selfish.

But if you think about it, this is the real awakening of the world.

As Wilde put it, "Loving yourself is the beginning of a lifelong romance." ”

The sea of life, can accompany you to the end, only you are yourself.

Pinning one's own happiness on another person is an internal friction, and those who have too high expectations are most likely to bring disappointment to people.

Instead of giving too much energy to your partner, it is better to manage yourself with your heart.

Always believe that "if you bloom, the breeze will come", you are good enough to have the ability to embrace all the beautiful things in this world.

4. Find your own position and play your role

In recent years, there has been a very popular word called "nanny wife".

It is said that the girl who was hurt by her parents since she was a child, but after getting married, she transformed into a "nanny" who only circled around her husband, children, and stove.

I thought that I would pay for my family wholeheartedly, but most of them ended up with a dismal ending.

In a marriage where the role is offside, the other party may not appreciate it, but it will definitely consume itself.

A truly intelligent woman will definitely find her place in marriage.

They don't take care of their partners like mothers, nor do they just take what they do as children do.

Instead, it is to play the role of a good wife, always grasp the sense of boundaries, work together with the lover, and walk through the wind and rain.

Marriage is a movie of two people, not a one-man show, each playing their own role, in order to play the drama of marriage together.

5. Have something to say, do not guess, and avoid misunderstanding of poor information

At the Winter Olympics, Manus and Chris, who won the silver medal in curling mixed doubles, shared the "little secret" of their victory:

Because they always train together, they spend most of their time together and often argue over trivial matters.

In order not to affect the game, they agreed that no matter what the problem, they would always tell the other party bluntly.

Only by speaking bluntly can the contradictions surface as soon as possible and the problems can be resolved quickly.

Two people live a life, the most afraid of not saying anything, there is a natural difference in the thinking of men and women, blindly guessing, in addition to letting each other work hard, there is no point.

Only by saying something directly can we reduce the deviation of information and avoid the friction of contradictions; be honest with each other, and only then can we get along easily and comfortably.

6. Don't turn over old accounts, less calculating

In the movie "Marriage Story", Nicole and Charlie decide to divorce, and they originally agreed to talk calmly about the custody of their children.

But within a few words, the two quarreled.

Because they both began to turn over the old accounts, talking about who was more selfish, who was more sloppy, who had a more grumpy temper, and finally broke up.

Turning over old accounts is like opening a "Pandora's box", not only can not escape the current predicament, but will continue to breed problems.

Tangled in the past in marriage is undoubtedly a self-consumption, a lifetime is so long, why do you have to dwell on the past?

I agree with the sentence in "Marriage Psychology": "Bad marriage turns people into crazy people, and good marriages turn people into fools." ”

In every happy marriage, there is always a less intelligent person who knows how to "pretend to be stupid" appropriately.

Big things stay sober, small things are occasionally confused, less calculated, more tolerant, in order to live a long time.

-03-

Only with a good attitude can there be a good marriage

Writer Wenger Jolie wrote in the book The Law of Happy Marriage:

"In this world, even the happiest marriage will have 200 thoughts of divorce and 50 times of wanting to strangle each other in a lifetime."

In this world, no marriage is perfect, but there are always people who can grow old in a dull time.

It's not because they're lucky, it's that they know how to run a marriage with a positive heart.

A positive mindset is the best weapon against negative emotions.

Willing to communicate actively in order to better understand the needs of partners and reduce unnecessary internal friction;

Only by being willing to take the initiative to think in a different position can we exchange our hearts for hearts and live a long life.

- END -

* Author: There are books Su Xie, there are original authors of books. There are books to make reading no longer lonely, 20 million reading enthusiasts are paying attention to the public number, pay attention to the public number: there are books. This article was originally published in Youshu, please contact the editor-in-chief of Youshu for reprint authorization.

*Image source: petal net, sugar net

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