In 1940, 19-year-old Zhang Ailing wrote the famous sentence in "Genius Dream": "Life is a gorgeous robe, crawling with lice." ”
At that time, she was still in school, and she never expected that 43 years later, in her old age, she would be swallowed up by the lice of this life, which lasted for 11 years until her death.
- Preface
In 1955, at the age of 35, Zhang Ailing went to the United States alone and left the motherland where she was born and raised her and brought her honor.
It is not that she is not patriotic, but that she is inherently insensitive to politics, and she is very hesitant and hesitant in the face of changes in the domestic environment.
For example, when a group of literary and art workers were meeting, everyone else was wearing Zhongshan suits, and her hair was neatly cut and uniform, only she was wearing a cheongsam and perming her hair, sitting there looking out of place, and a group of people looked around her, seeing that she was uncomfortable.
She was originally from a bourgeois family, and she was exquisite in food and clothing, and she took a lot of money for writing, so it was inevitable that she would be picky. But for her it was only a reasonable act of proper enjoyment of life, but for the era when the workers and peasants were the masters, she became a "sinner".
Once, she went to the West Lake to eat crab noodles, although the taste is OK, but the noodles have been soaked in the soup for a long time, some swelling, she feels that the taste is really difficult to swallow, so she only ate the toppings and drank some soup.
As a result, some people soon said that she was wasting grain, which made Zhang Ailing worried for a long time, and later said many times: "You have to go quickly, you have to go quickly, you can't live here." ”
Zhang Ailing, who is smart and sensitive by nature, has long realized that she is incompatible with the new era. Thanks to her early departure, otherwise literati like Lao She, Ba Jin, and Shen Congwen had been wrongly beaten and humiliated, not to mention that she was criticized for being a female writer who was criticized for "writing about the yin and private of the old era all day, full of paper drunk and gold fans and absurdity".
In 1952, Zhang Ailing first came to Hong Kong from Shanghai, and three years later, the chaos in Hong Kong also made her panic, and finally came to the United States.
When she first came to the United States, Zhang Ailing's eyes were shining. This country, which is known as freedom and democracy, does not know what it will bring to her, but this breath alone has made her look forward to it, and she wants to make a world in the United States.
However, things seemed to go beyond her expectations. Her elaborate English version of "YangGe" originally wanted to show her fists in the United States, but she did not receive the desired results.
Although the industry's evaluation of the book is not bad, the sales have not been able to meet Zhang Ailing's expectations.
As a person who has said early that "fame should be early", and indeed became very popular in her 20s, the writing fee is undoubtedly the main source of her life. Especially in this foreign country, whether the work can be recognized by Americans is particularly important to her.
But Zhang Ailing may have overlooked the obvious differences between Chinese and American cultures, and the "groans of the old times" that are loved by Chinese in her works are not understood or appreciated by Americans.
Zhang Ailing, who was depressed and distressed, soon met the equally discouraged writer Lai Ya.
That year, Zhang Ailing was 36 years old, and Lai Ya was already 65 years old, a difference of nearly 30 years.
However, this fate, which seems unlikely in the world, has forced the two to be brought together. People say that Laiya is not worthy of Zhang Ailing, and until now, there are countless Zhang fans who are heartbroken.
But Zhang Ailing didn't care. Perhaps it is the childhood experience of lacking father's love since childhood that makes her unconsciously like relatively mature people, or perhaps it is that she has experienced Hu Lancheng's betrayal, and she is alone in a foreign country, and her requirements for feelings are nothing more than heart-to-heart communication and mutual affection.
In short, she and Raya are married, and the two live together in a small apartment in New York, and their lives are happy.
Lai Ya is funny and humorous, is an optimist, and often makes Zhang Ailing laugh. He also has the kindness of the elders, and is also willing to take care of Zhang Ailing in some small things, getting up in the morning to prepare milk coffee for her, giving Zhang Ailing a lot of warmth in life.
The two are also writers, there is no shortage of common language, Zhang Ailing's works have been well received in China, and Laiya's plays are also widely popular in the United States. Such two people naturally have no obstacles to communication, and sometimes they can communicate with each other.
But the good times are not long, just like the stories written by Zhang Ailing, I don't know when, a good period of time, suddenly there is a rift.
The crisis that Zhang Ailing is facing at this moment is nothing else, but the sudden stroke of her husband Laiya.
In the face of the disease, the original stable life suddenly turned into a bubble, Zhang Ailing faced not only the forced "self-reliance" in life, but also the fierce blow from "money".
It costs money to see a doctor, it costs money to eat, and everything costs money. At this time, Zhang Ailing really felt the bitterness of no money. Although Raya is a playwright, Rakuten never thinks about life, and he has no savings in his later years, with only $52 a month in social welfare.
This can be bitter Zhang Ailing. In this marriage, Zhang Ailing paid far more than Laiya.
She has to take care of Laiya and earn money to support her family, which can be described as physically and mentally exhausted.
Song Qi and his wife in Hong Kong are zhang Ailing's good friends and her hardcore supporters, and Zhang Ailing once survived on the help of Song Qi and his wife.
In this regard, Zhang Ailing was very guilty, she "always had a fear of the impact of money on friendship", but Song Qi made her relax, they always supported Zhang Ailing and silently backed her.
Song Qi is the production director of Hong Kong Denmao Company, and with the help of Song Qi, Zhang Ailing received many opportunities to write scripts. Moreover, Song Qi also persuaded the company to give Zhang Ailing an advance payment of the highest standard of writing fees. Once, Zhang Ailing was physically and mentally exhausted due to various affairs, and she did not submit the manuscript for 5 years, Zhang Ailing was very worried, and specially wrote to Song Qi and his wife to apologize, and the other party in turn comforted her, so that she did not have to worry.
Seeing the truth in hardship, Zhang Ailing is lucky to be able to get friends like Song Qi and his wife. Song Qi said: As long as you still write, I will definitely fight for you to publish the opportunity.
Fans of later generations should also thank Song Qi and his wife, whose practices objectively stimulated Zhang Ailing's creation, making Zhang Ailing leave more works. Zhang Ailing's reputation was further promoted, thanks to the hard work of Song Qi and his wife.
The couple co-authored "Whispering Zhang Ailing" and recommended Zhang Ailing to Xia Zhiqing. Xia Zhiqing is the author of "The History of Modern Chinese Novels", and has studied both modern and classical Chinese novels, and no domestic literature major is unaware of him. He went to the United States in 1948 for further study and has remained in the United States ever since. When I saw Zhang Ailing's works, I was "shocked all over my body, and I couldn't imagine that such a prodigy would appear in the Chinese literary world."
Xia Zhiqing directly put Zhang Ailing into the "History of Modern Chinese Novels", and also admired her, giving her a lot of space to write about her, which accounted for 43 pages, and even Lu Xun was only 26 pages.
Of course, this comparison does not mean that Zhang Ailing's literary achievements surpass Lu Xun's, but Xia Zhiqing's practice directly raised Zhang Ailing's identity to a threshold, and since then Zhang Ailing's status has no longer been like some people say to write some love legends of the "Mandarin Duck Butterfly Sect", but the pattern has been upgraded by more than one level, and has a place in the pure literature hall.
With these, Zhang Ailing's economic situation has finally improved. She originally wanted to earn a place in the United States, but she did not expect that reality hit her mercilessly, and when the novel she wrote with tears of blood, "Pink Tears", was submitted to a publishing company in the United States, it was not only rejected, but also more difficult for her to accept, the rejection letter actually criticized the novel fiercely, the letter said: "All the characters in the novel are disgusting and dirty (squalid)!" ”。
This gave Zhang Ailing a great blow, no matter how hard she tried to make a strong look, after all, she was just a little girl, and she had always been proud, and successive blows made her suddenly fall ill, thin and bone-thin.
Without the help of Song Qi and his wife and Xia Zhiqing's help, she may not be able to live in the United States.
We all know that many painters became famous after death, because some avant-garde ideological connotations were not accepted and appreciated by people at that time, and literary scholars often did the same. Although Zhang Ailing has long been famous, in the eyes of many people, it is just a pastime novel after tea and dinner.
But Xia Zhiqing saw at a glance the true value of Zhang Ailing's works, and directly helped her establish her position in the history of literature. From this point of view, Xia Zhiqing can really be regarded as Zhang Ailing's great nobleman.
After the publication of Zhang Ailing's novel "Color Ring", the writer Zhang Zhiguo wrote a special article to criticize the novel, arguing that it did not highlight Mr. Yi's "Han traitorousness", and also defined it as "literature that praises Han traitors—even if it is a very warm praise--" At that time, this was not so similar to Zhang Zhiguo alone, he could be regarded as representing a group of voices opposing Zhang Ailing.
Zhang Ailing was very angry after seeing it, so she wrote an article to refute it. Xia Zhiqing also heard about this incident, when he was serving as a judge for a novel award in Taiwan, so he took the initiative to speak for Zhang Ailing, mentioning this matter when commenting on the winning works:
"Recently, Zhang Zhiguo, in his "Column for Outsiders", believed that Zhang Ailing did not emphasize the 'traitorous' nature of the male protagonist of the Wang Dynasty in "Color Ring", and expressed great regret. At that time, Zhang wrote an eternal human story, which could also take place in Shanghai in the era of Wang Jingwei, Beijing during the restoration period of Yuan Shikai, and Nanjing in the era of Ruan Dacheng and Hou Fangyu, only because Zhang herself was particularly familiar with Shanghai in the era of puppet government, she adopted this background - she had no intention of writing novels about the characters' personalities who were loyal and treacherous. ”
"I have no intention of writing the character personality loyalty and treachery judgment", which seems to be a light and fluttering summary, but the hidden mystery suddenly elevates Zhang Ailing's intentions, explains the value of "Color Ring", and helps Zhang Ailing a lot. In this regard, Zhang Ailing was very moved.
In 1961, under the arrangement of Song Qi, Zhang Ailing went to Hong Kong to write the script of "Dream of the Red Chamber", and returned to this hometown after a six-year absence.
Revisiting the old land, the mood is complicated. Laiya, her husband who is far away in the United States, has suffered another stroke, and Zhang Ailing is emaciated. Later, she took Laiya to Kangqiao to recuperate, but Laiya's body was already deteriorating, the doctor was unable to return to heaven, and half a year later, Laiya left.
Zhang Ailing returned to a state of being alone. When Raya was there, she still had some warmth to rely on, and When Raya was gone, she had to hug herself for warmth.
Zhang Ailing was born in a large feudal family, her grandmother was the daughter of Li Hongzhang, and by her father's generation, she had fallen everywhere. The father is a typical feudal widow, the mother is an educated new woman, seeing that her husband is a vice, the personality is obedient and tyrannical, the mother almost directly adopted a "give up" attitude, directly to pursue her own life, and finally did not hesitate to divorce Zhang Ailing's father.
And Zhang Ailing, who is mixed in all this, has lacked both father and mother love since she was a child.
Once, Zhang Ailing was framed by her stepmother, and her father beat her wildly, even locked her in the house for several months, did not buy her medicine for dysentery, and let her fend for herself, that time, Zhang Ailing almost died.
As for her mother, Zhang Ailing is strange and distant. Unlike the natural intimacy of other mothers and children, There always seems to be something between Zhang Ailing and her mother, the mother is always light, giving birth to her seems to be a burden, Zhang Ailing will feel cold and warm at a young age, and the desolation and grayness in the work are the portrayal of her own state of mind.
When she met Raya, she experienced the care and warmth that was missing in her life, so even though many people did not favor her marriage, she still married Raya and continued to take care of him on the sickbed until Raya left.
In 1967, Zhang Ailing came to Redcliffe Women's College in New York, where she worked as a writer-in-residence, a job that made her income improve and she could support herself with peace of mind. In 1969, "Half Life" was published in Taiwan, and the manuscript fee she received was enough for her to support her for a period of time.
Later, Zhang Ailing went to the University of California, but she did not live well here, she has always been a bit lonely, it is difficult for her to have a good relationship with others, and things are not satisfied by her superiors, and she still left after two years.
Zhang Ailing wanted to devote herself to creation, but soon her life was not good, and she even received a low guarantee to live a life.
What is even more inflammatory is that the insect infestation also invaded at this time.
In 1984, Zhang Ailing moved, in order to save money, she bought a second-hand refrigerator, the result of the fleas from under the refrigerator breeding, and when found, it has been full of room, even fleas on the hair, making Zhang Ailing miserable, the heart that is difficult to settle down is even more disturbing.
She simply shaved her hair and had to wash her hair every day, even wearing plastic clothes.
Annoyed Zhang Ailing told Song Qi about this matter, complained to him, Song Qi was very worried about his friend's condition, and he thought of Crystal, who was a fan of Zhang Ailing, and was also in the United States, and zhang Ailing also trusted a person, so he said this in a letter to Crystal, hoping that he could think of a way to help Zhang Ailing.
But I didn't expect that this time, crystal did not have the permission of Song Qi and Zhang Ailing, so he published this matter in the newspaper, named "Zhang Ailing is sick", with such a sensational headline to attract attention.
When Song Qi was shocked to see the newspaper, he was full of remorse and immediately wrote a letter to apologize to Zhang Ailing, deeply blaming himself for his mistakes. Song Qi's wife, Kwong Wenmei, also wrote to Zhang Ailing to explain the incident, saying that her husband's intention to disclose the matter to Crystal was really a scolding, but also begged Zhang Ailing not to ignore the couple because of this.
Fortunately, Zhang Ailing was grateful for the kindness of Song Qi and his wife, and had already regarded them as the closest friends, and did not care too much, but comforted Kwong Wenmei in the reply letter. But the flea thing has never been completely solved.
From 1984 to 1988, In the four years, Zhang Ailing moved several times to avoid fleas. At this time, Zhang Ailing was 64 years old, and she could not withstand such a toss, but she was really harassed by fleas, and her skin was red and swollen and miserable, and the fleas could not be killed, and her body could not get better.
Later, many people, along with Zhang Ailing's friends, also believed that at first there were indeed fleas, but later, this is likely to develop into Zhang Ailing's personal psychological barrier.
Zhang Ailing complained in a letter to Song Qi: "As early as the winter of 1983, I wanted to stay in the hospital for a day or two and thoroughly disinfect it. Not collected. Now to be hospitalized, unless referred by the doctor, who is also suspicious of being a lace in my bonnet. I told him two days ago that the recent development was more like the most typical sexual fantasy, and that only a psychiatrist would have the patience to listen to the patient's whispers. The specimens sent were taken for testing to see if they were animal tissues..."
"a lace in my bonnet" means a silk satin on a lady's hat, which implies that the matter is fictitious, and Zhang Ailing's illness has not been found in medical tests.
But Zhang Ailing's arm was really red and swollen like a flea bite. It wasn't until a long time later that she met a good doctor, from the introduction of Sima Xin in May 1986, the doctor was Dr. X, he diagnosed Zhang Ailing as a redness and swelling caused by sensitive skin, although the fleas were gone, but the condition was not controlled.
In Dr. Under X's treatment, Zhang Ailing quickly recovered, finally stabilized, and no longer moved around.
The avoidance attitude of liking to be alone is also the reason why Zhang Ailing's "flea plague" has continued to go on before, and decades ago, she wrote in "Genius Dream": "On the occasion of no one handing over to others, I am full of the joy of life. But I could not overcome this little annoyance of biting nature in a day, and life was a gorgeous robe, crawling with fleas. ”
All kinds of dissatisfaction, chaos, darkness, and mutilation in the world... Like little fleas, they torment the will of man, plunging the spirit into tension, confusion, anxiety, busyness, and even numbness. Zhang Ailing felt this deeply, she was so sensitive at a young age, not to mention after reading the vicissitudes?
At that time, there was also a reporter, who claimed to admire Zhang Ailing's literary talent, who was perverted enough to follow Zhang Ailing every day, and even went to rummage through the things she threw into the trash can and recorded these.
This reporter, named Dai Wencai, went to interview Zhang Ailing unsuccessfully, but directly lived here, rented a house opposite Zhang Ailing, and made in-depth observations of her every day. After a period of follow-up reporting, an article called "My Neighbor Zhang Ailing" was written:
After she returned to her room, I hung half of my body on the large blue-black lid garbage can, and hooked Zhang Ailing's paper bag with a long branch of Bodhi branch, before many suspicious Mexican carpenters. Zhang Ailing and I became a rare picture in the alley that afternoon. Dai Wencai followed Zhang Ailing in this way, "writing" zhang Ailing in her eyes.
In fact, Zhang Ailing locked her door deeply in her later years, and she did not socialize, and Dai Wencai saw her once or twice almost once or twice a month. But this is enough to make Zhang Ailing vigilant and alarmed, learning that there is a reporter who tracks her and carefully rummages through the garbage she threw away, she suddenly feels that her residence is not safe, and she quickly moves, and the flea infringement seems to be more serious.
She bought a lot of insecticides and changed the furniture that was not much, but it was not so much to treat the insect infestation as to heal her heart in her old age. The hurt of childhood returned to her alone in her old age, her psychological insecurity continued to deepen, her father's tyranny, her mother's indifference, all of which forced her to live on her own, forced to erect a thorn.
The only younger brother, Zhang Zijing, although he always showed that he wanted to be close to her sister, she always looked down on him, pitied him, and at the same time hated him for being cowardly. In the end, Zhang Ailing was still alone.
In September 1955, at the age of 75, Zhang Ailing ended her bumpy life, and she fell on the bed wrapped in a bathrobe and left this world. Before her death, she made 4 wills:
1. Cremation immediately after death, no one can see the body.
2. No funeral rites will be held.
3. Scatter ashes into the open and uninhabited place.
4. The relics were left to Mr. Song Qi.
However, she was alone and was not found in time after her death, and it was not until a week later that the landlord found Zhang Ailing's body. Perhaps she had foretold that her solitary self might be the first time after death that no one would notice, so she wrote the first will, but in the end it could not be realized.
Zhang Ailing also left 320,000 US dollars, totaling 2.7 million yuan, although this money is not much, but it is not much for her, which shows that Zhang Ailing's later life is still relatively frugal.
Many people think that Zhang Ailing may leave the inheritance to her younger brother Zhang Zijing, but in fact, for Zhang Ailing, although this younger brother is related to herself, she is really strange, and even a friend.
And Song Qi gave her great help, is a confidant, but also a benefactor, she gave the inheritance to Song Qi and his wife, in fact, it is the common sentiment of people, there is nothing unreasonable.
Zhang Ailing wrote about the lives of many people, there are high-ranking officials and people below, but it is difficult to have consummation, just as her attitude towards life has always been the same, it is mutilated, but it is just to find perfection in imperfection. Born into an aristocratic family, she has a rough life, and she is as helpless as her characters, but the only difference is that she is sober.
On September 30, 1955, Zhang Ailing's good friend Lin Shitong boarded the ship with Zhang Ailing's ashes, scattered the ashes to the sea, and drifted with the rivers, realizing her third will.
Zhang Ailing's ups and downs, as she hoped, ended in this pure sea.
Complete? Or is it not satisfactory? The Slovaks have passed away, and these last words can only be left to posterity for comment.