Many parents' parenting patterns, such as destructive narcissistic psychology and behavior, can inadvertently hurt their children deeply, and many are unable to recover from this harm even in adulthood.
From the perspective of autopsychology, Professor Nina Brown explains how the inexplicable awkwardness, indifference, entanglement, and hardship that come from childhood are passed on to you through the nurturing of your parents, so as to help you unravel the obstacles of your relationship with your parents, heal the trauma of childhood, say goodbye to loneliness and depression, and reshape your new self.
A parent-child relationship that lacks a sense of boundaries
Studies have shown that 90% of an individual's trauma stems from a parent-child relationship that lacks a sense of boundaries.
How many parents treat their children as their private property, and arrange their hobbies, work and life, from marriage partners to three meals.
The fatal blow to the children brought by this kind of parent-child relationship of overstepping the responsibility and doing everything is as follows:
Let them not know how to be themselves.
As a result, they need to repeatedly gain self-awareness and affirmation from others or the outside world, and will be overly judgmental in the unexpected world rather than their own inner feelings.
Over time, they will carry this deformed parent-child relationship into their own pattern of dealing with the next generation.
In China, family affection and filial piety are a kind of religion, which is enshrined on the altar, and as children, we only have the right to worship, and there is no chance of falsification.
However, parents are not sages, and there will even be many ignorant people, greedy people, vicious people, narrow-minded people, cunning and suspicious people, high-minded people, irritable and reckless people, and bullying people......
These people are parents, and their flaws and inferiority still exist, and they are most truly and cruelly displayed in front of their children, imperceptibly hurting their children's feelings.
If you are not aware of your own shortcomings and do not reflect on them, it is easy to recklessly restrict your children's freedom and hurt their feelings in the name of love.
The child can't escape, he can only become what you hate
When a child is with a narcissistic parent, the parent's words and actions always make the child's mood worse. Parent-child relationships are often in trouble.
Many parents are too controlling, they have to take care of everything, they think that this is for the good of the child, but it is too tiring for the child, they are like being shackled, and they are in a dilemma.
Not only that, when the child is an adult, parents will often complain that the child does not take enough care of themselves and gives them too little financial support, which makes the child feel guilty, low self-esteem and anger.
In this case, it is difficult for the child to determine what is his own responsibility and how much is enough.
Every child loves their parents, and they hope that they can get the understanding and respect of their parents while receiving the love of their parents, and they hope that their parents will give them space to live and grow.
And as parents, we must know that our children's responsibilities and abilities are limited, and we should not impose too much on them.
If we don't presuppose respecting and understanding our children, then the children will become what we hate.
They alienate us and even run away from us.
Parents love their children, and they should plan for it.
If you love him, do not depend on him; To love him, you must learn to let go; To love him is to give him a free sky.
Parent-child confusion between you and your parents, between you and your children
Dr. Nina Brown is not well-known and her books are not very popular, her research area is narcissism, so she explains the behavior of parents and the effects on their children from a narcissistic perspective.
After reading it, I realized that it was her definition of a "destructive narcissistic" parent that limited the reader's perception of the book and made many people miss the possibility of reading the book.
On top of that, the reason it's not popular is that it's definitely a book that you won't want to read anymore after looking at the table of contents, not only is the table of contents as boring as a textbook, but the writing in it is almost literary, and even if you accidentally buy it, you may quickly put it on the shelf as a professional read.
It can help us solve the questions of "why I love my parents but don't want to be parents", "how should I get along with my parents as an adult", and "what kind of parents should I be".
In addition to learning why we have the current relationship with our parents, and how to deal with it.
There is also a lot of psychological content to help us get out of the shadow of childhood, correctly understand ourselves, and tap our own potential.
In short, whether it is the parent-child confusion between you and your parents or between you and your children, this book should be able to give guidance on the psychological level.
Write at the end
See if the following quote resonates with you:
It's all for me, and you make sure everything is for me! What you think and need is what matters. Everything has to come the way you want, otherwise it can't be accepted.
You never thought that other people have rights! You know what's best and think you're always right, and I have to agree with you, or you'll be angry, dissatisfied, disappointed.
You're completely thinking about yourself. You use everything to meet your needs. You are blind and deaf to the needs and emotions of others. You are the best at manipulating others.
You have gone to great lengths to make me feel ashamed, angry, sad, and humiliated, and to make sure that I am who you want me to be. You're belittling me, blaming me, criticizing me all the time, and I'm useless by your side.
I want to please you, but it never seems possible.
You're like a tornado, and I know you're going to break out, so I'm ready for anything. However, no matter how much I prepared, it was in vain, and after you left, I was full of grievances to clean up the mess, and you continued to go your own way, completely unaware or unaware of how much damage you had done me.
I wish I could have gotten some signal that you like me and love me, but I've never felt it in all the years I've been with you.
This absence has had a profound impact on me. When I was growing up, you never understood my feelings, and when I tried to make you understand, you either ignored and belittled my feelings, or you got angry and said that I didn't know how to be grateful, that I was teaching you a lesson and that I was disrespectful to you.
Now that I'm an adult, I still crave your love. I know you're not going to change, but that doesn't stop me from longing for a more satisfying, loving parent-child relationship.