There's a hot topic on Zhihu: What is the best relationship between people?
One of the high praises replied: Probably every time we meet, there is a feeling of returning to the home field.
Returning to the home stadium means that when we don't see each other, we miss each other;
When you meet, even if you sit quietly, you will not be restrained, and you will not be cold.
When I was young, I always felt that the intimate relationship was enviable.
But I don't know that a truly lasting relationship doesn't need to be maintained deliberately.
After middle age, I understand more and more that the best relationship between people:
It's better not to deliberately find something to say, and you don't need to worry about being cold.
Appropriate distancing and being comfortable with each other
Cai Kangyong once said: Being overly enthusiastic is not the way to maintain a good relationship, so I encourage everyone to be a cold person.
Excessive enthusiasm is a burden to others;
Appropriate coldness is the best state of social relationships.
The novel "There is a Commissary by the Clouds" tells such a story.
Liu Shisan is a person who is particularly afraid of being cold.
In front of outsiders, he always chatters endlessly, looking for various topics to liven up the atmosphere, and the result is often the opposite.
Once, he went out on a picnic with a few good friends.
They sat around the fire and said nothing.
Each other's expressions were relaxed and relaxed, and they did not feel any embarrassment.
Only then did he realize that the relationship between people does not need to be lively all the time, but can also be cold.
You can not speak, or you can speak at any time.
In fact, true friends don't need to ask each other every day, and they don't need to talk frequently.
A true friend is one who can still be cordial and comfortable with each other when you are face to face.
There is a well-known quenching effect in psychology.
It means that after the metal workpiece is heated to a certain temperature, it is cooled to make the performance of the workpiece better and more stable.
Just like adults get along with each other, they need to warm each other, and they need to cool down properly.
Lu Qingyi, director of the documentary "Four Springs", takes his parents in a small southern town as the protagonist and tells their daily life.
His parents often walked together and planted flowers and grass together.
But most of the time, two people do what they like and don't bother each other.
If my mother was cutting clothes in the room, my father would take a camera and take pictures.
In this way, they are independent of each other and do not interfere with each other, but the relationship is still as loving as ever.
To be moderately cold is to respect each other and to protect each other.
Too strong feelings will not only burn yourself, but also make the other person want to escape.
Light but not greasy, in order to maintain long-term enthusiasm.
Whether it is friendship or love, the relationship that can make each other comfortable is with a touch of coldness.
Keep your distance and have a stable relationship
Writer Bi Shumin said: Keeping a distance from each other may be the most appropriate way to communicate.
Distance produces beauty, and an accurate grasp of distance is the secret to maintaining good interpersonal relationships.
Writers Mo Yan and Yu Hua were roommates who lived together for several years and had a deep private relationship.
Not long ago, in order to support his friends, Yu Hua specially came from other places to participate in the online press conference of the new version of "Life and Death Fatigue".
Yu Hua recalled their years of classmates at the scene.
mentioned that the two used to live in a cramped hut together, so close that they wore the same clothes and shared a toothpaste.
At that time, they were working together in the dormitory, with only a cabinet between them.
As you write, you can hear not only the rustle of the tip of the pen against the paper, but also the sound of each other's breathing clearly.
Whenever the two of them got tired of writing, they leaned back.
Through the crack in the middle of the cabinet, their eyes met, and the inspiration for writing suddenly disappeared.
In the long run, they were both influenced by each other and could not calm down and create.
In order not to affect each other's writing, Mo Yan had to hang a wall calendar in the middle to block this gap.
They were able to complete their respective works without any problems.
No matter how stable the relationship is, no matter how good the friend, there must be an appropriate distance and scale.
Once the norm is exceeded, the feelings will also be exhausted.
Bondarev once said that the origin of all human suffering stems from the lack of a sense of boundaries.
In the final analysis, most of the problems in the relationship between people are due to the deviation of the control of distance.
In life, you may have encountered such a situation: your parents always urge you to get married and have children in the name of loving you, and interfere in your life and work.
With years of friendship, friends repeatedly ask you for help, and if they can't help, they will speak coldly to you.
Lovers rely on deep feelings and do excessive things without scruples, and finally break up.
The more intimate the relationship, the more you should keep your distance.
If you cross the boundaries you should have, it will be very difficult to get along.
The distance between intimacy and sparseness is the premise of a stable relationship.
happens to get along, and there is more tacit understanding
Gu Cheng wrote in the poem "In Front of the Door": The grass is bearing its seeds, the wind is shaking its leaves, and we are very beautiful when we stand and do not speak.
Get along with people, don't say much, don't be overly enthusiastic, just associate with each other.
The friendship between the red scholar Zhou Ruchang and Zhang Boju has always been praised by the world.
The two met at Yenching University, when Zhou Ruchang was only a sophomore, and Zhang Boju was the head of the Chinese Department at Yenching University.
By chance, the two became acquainted with "Dream of Red Mansions" and have since become close friends.
Zhou Ruchang talked about the friendship between the two in the book "Zhang Boju's Collected Words": I am less than 20 years old than Mr. Boju, and we have nothing in common with each other's life experiences and experiences.
Zhang Boju's family has a rich collection of books, so Zhou Ruchang often goes to read books.
Every time Zhou Ruchang entered the door, Zhang Boju knew that his friends were visiting, but he didn't stand up to greet him, nor did he greet him politely.
Just keep your head down and do your own thing.
Zhou Ruchang never cared, he rummaged through the books he wanted to read, and he didn't deliberately please Zhang Boju.
Later, Zhou Ruchang explained: "I went to Zhang Boju's place, he was busy with him, and I read my books." Even if I want to leave, I don't have to say goodbye, and only each other can understand our relationship. ”
It is this kind of relationship that allows the two to not argue because of different opinions when discussing academics on a daily basis.
The tacit understanding that they both know makes their friendship stronger.
When people get along with each other, they don't need to please, they just need to be themselves.
I once saw the saying: "Don't be overly enthusiastic, don't contact too often." Giving each other the most comfortable space is the most popular social scale for adults. ”
Only a momentary friendship needs to be pleasantly greeted.
Reliable relationships, you don't need to say much, you can also read each other.
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There is a saying circulating on the Internet: "Socialization between adults begins with politeness and ends with distance; Start with friendliness and end with proportion. ”
I think that this should be the case in a comfortable and stable relationship between people.
Get along with people, be cold, and don't have to work hard to maintain relationships, so that you can be free and easy.
Get along with people, keep a distance, advance and retreat moderately, do not overestimate the relationship with each other, and follow fate.
Not forced, not persistent, going with the flow, pampering and not being shocked, is the best way for a person to do things.
Try to stay away from relationships that aren't strong enough.
Let the relationship that really go to the heart exude a mellow and charming fragrance with the precipitation of the years.
May everyone be able to look down on everything, no longer be confined to worldly relationships, be true to their hearts, and be true to themselves.