Why does middle-aged divorce always increase the difficulty of reality in the midst of numbness and entanglement?
Thirty and standing, forty is not confused, fifty and know the destiny of heaven, everyone enters middle age, will fall into a new fog, family is the most prominent part of it, more than ten years of enmity, contradictions, love and hate entanglements, are in middle age into resentment, undercurrents.
Many middle-aged people resolutely choose to divorce after they have no burden of child support, and the result is that it is easier and easier to live.
There are also many middle-aged people who divorce in anger, but find that they have lost their strong backing, lost all their confidence, and a sense of loneliness arises spontaneously, unable to survive independently in the world, and is constrained everywhere.
What is embarrassing is that the age when it should be able to live in the world is difficult to say fragile for everyone:
There are old and young, and the meaning of divorce has also been raised into a dilemma by the real environment, whether you will be lonely and helpless when you are old, and whether you will end up lonely in the end.
I believe that this kind of assumption is what middle-aged people who hesitate to choose divorce are most worried about:
How will you live after the divorce?
What will the future become?
The middle-aged divorce confirms a famous saying that Dong Qing once said, after the gunshot, there is no winner.
But before the bullet of divorce is discharged, the party who controls the dominance of the divorce knows the reason why he chose to shoot, the purpose of the shot, and the appeal of the shot, which determines who the haze of the divorce shot will be hit in the end.
Regardless of who is the cause of the divorce, the effects of divorce will inevitably appear on both parties at the same time, and at the moment of the breakdown of the marriage, the fortress constructed by the real world will collapse with a bang, and the long-lasting impact on the rest of the life begins to play a huge role.
It's just that the positive and negative sides of this influence are completely different.
When facing divorce is chaotic and chaotic, then those who are firm in filing for divorce will also be mistakenly injured by the negative impact of divorce, and finally lose both.
But when faced with divorce is sober and firm, then even the party who has been suffering in the marriage will completely break the shackles and confinements called marriage.
Whether the rest of their lives are bleak or not is not the final word on divorce, some people can live wantonly in any state, and some people are in a cage no matter how they choose.
For the state of life after divorce, it involves the degree of trust of middle-aged people in their own character and ability, and it is necessary to judge with an independent personality:
1. Whether there is self-awareness and dependence in marriage.
2. Whether it has a clear divorce position
01 The party with unclear self-awareness and high psychological dependence will find it more difficult to get out of the shadow of divorce for the rest of his life
How to understand the miserable life, this question is actually a test of self-awareness in marriage, whether divorce is relief or powerlessness for oneself, whether it is rebirth or helplessness.
It takes courage to break everything again and enter a new state of life in a middle-aged divorce, because the most terrible thing about middle-aged divorce is not the entanglement of reality, but the withdrawal of psychological habits.
When people reach middle age, they will become more and more numb to the comfort zone of marriage, relying on their family and partner, and all their life beliefs are given value by the family, so after the divorce, the huge loneliness immediately swallows up themselves.
This means that the higher the intrinsic need for marriage, the harder it is for people to control their life after divorce.
Because of the lack of psychological support, this is also one of the reasons why many couples resentful of each other, but still choose to spend the rest of their lives together:
The psychological level depends on a "family support", regardless of whether the internal structure of the family is healthy, whether it is really helpful to itself, and whether it has a positive impact on life.
Whether it is the party who enjoys married life or the party who is tormented in marriage, psychological habits will gradually make people feel that they are inseparable from marriage.
In the matter of divorce, the psychological impact is often more lethal than the actual level.
If you study carefully, you will find that the pressure of reality often forces a person to live more independently, but psychologically they cannot really get rid of emotional dependence, and they will lose motivation in the face of all the realities after divorce.
People have experienced too many ups and downs in middle age, and every bit of life is integrated with their partners, whether it is pleasure or pain, once people get used to a certain mode of life, they will completely ignore self-differentiation, and people who will keep themselves in marriage for a long time, once divorced, it is difficult to easily get back their self-awareness.
The ability of differentiation of self, also known as self-discernment, is closely related to a person's sense of belonging and separation in marriage.
Middle-aged couples often imperceptibly integrate the family into the whole of life, a small circle dominated by partners, children, and parents, so that many people only have a sense of belonging in marriage, completely ignoring the sense of separation and independence.
Work, career, and hobbies are all parts that promote people's self-differentiation, and when a person faces his own life and can gain a sense of self-fulfillment in different fields and different roles, the proportion of gains and losses in marriage will be greatly reduced.
When a person's source of energy can be supplemented in many ways, there are too many hobbies worth exploring for the rest of his life, too many fields worth exploring, whether it is hobbies, self-beliefs, or work and career, as long as there are things that carry self in his heart, the loneliness after divorce will be greatly reduced.
Many divorced people seem to be heartless and free at the moment, but when they lose their marriage, they also lose the protection of their sense of security, so their lives are getting worse and worse.
On the contrary, there are also many divorced people, the source of security is no longer obtained from marriage, dare to face reality and pressure, and live a prosperous life.
Middle-aged people's fear of divorce often comes from the worry about old age, young people still have the energy to face, and when they get old, their children will start a family, and the panic about whether they are alone seems to be miserable after divorce.
More importantly, the anxiety of aging and physical decline in middle age has led to marriage becoming more and more an expectation of security.
The emergence of this problem, in fact, is also a reflection of the weakening of self-differentiation ability in married life, no one can face the state of marriage, can not pack a ticket, will change because of age, middle-aged conflicts and disputes, may not be able to be resolved in old age.
In fact, many people in marriage, either too arrogant and overestimate themselves, or over-rely on themselves, and lose objective and clear self-judgment, which will lead to the loss of self-balance after divorce and the more bleak life.
The sense of belonging in life always lies in oneself, and the marriage and the rest of one's life are implicated in each other, that is, the sense of belonging that belongs to oneself is all tilted towards the family.
If you don't have the ability to self-differentiate and satisfy yourself through a medium other than marriage, then the rest of your life will be bleak and bleak, whether you divorce or not.
02 People who lack a clear position on divorce are more difficult to get out of the shadow of divorce
The rest of your life is not to be imagined, all the future needs to be sober in the present, to be clearly polished, for who will be worse after the divorce, in addition to self-independence, you also need to refer to the starting point and cognition of deciding on divorce.
There are more details to consider in middle-aged divorce, from pots and pans to interest disputes, everything in each other's lives is pulled and entangled with each other, which also leads to many people's divorce, which is a long-suppressed violent outbreak.
Many people have the idea of divorce after their children become adults, and the reason is quite simple, because they can't bear it anymore.
Whether it is personality incompatibility, constant disputes, deception and betrayal, or the legacy of grievance entanglement, all will erupt in a contradiction, but it is easy to divorce in a hurry, and it is difficult to get out of the shackles of marriage in a real sober way.
Because many people get divorced, it is the limit of the heart that plays a role, and there is only one explosive and destructive "immediate need", that is, enough.
At this time, many people often can't take care of the loss of divorce, so they make a choice that affects half of their lives in a chaotic special situation, and finally find that they can't bear the consequences of divorce, because they don't know what the result is before the divorce.
It is never enough to simply attribute divorce to an end point, and the more sober people are in the face of divorce, the more likely they are to get rid of the negativity of divorce.
As we said at the beginning, only by figuring out why you want to shoot at this marriage can you truly grasp the meaning of divorce for yourself.
It is not a decision in vague emotions, but a sober, sharp, and firm decision for the rest of his life.
01 People who give the reason for divorce soberly can not have internal friction for the rest of their lives
First of all, do you understand why you want to divorce, or why you want to cooperate with the divorce?
Is it an objective or subjective reason, interfered with by the external environment or one's own emotions?
There is bound to be a certain degree of internal friction in life after divorce, such as judging whether one's decision is worth it, being affected by subtle happy memories in marriage, and being shaken by the concern of people and things in the outside world.
Only an unwavering reason for divorce can give yourself a sober blow in an emotional moment.
For example, the personality is incompatible and unable to communicate, which seriously affects all of your mood and life enthusiasm, your energy has been drained for a long time, you don't support each other, and you are resentful, angry, and roaring as soon as you open your mouth, and it is better to live freely by yourself.
For example, deception, betrayal, loss of trust, married life is like a puddle of mud, making yourself extremely emotional, life is completely out of control, seeing that the other party can no longer feel warm, and the living space is filled with hatred and revenge.
For example, the outlook on life and values do not match, and the run-in for more than ten years has exhausted me, lack of responsibility, extreme self, masculinity and feminism and other personal habits, which make people feel that their marriage is distorted, they can only rely on themselves for everything, and the other party is the same whether they exist or not, and it is not as easy as living by themselves.
Knowing the reason why you have to divorce clearly means that you can realize that the sunk cost in this marriage relationship is far greater than your own tolerance limit, and the longer you are after the divorce, the more likely you are to sigh that the stop loss is correct in time.
02 Those who clearly give the purpose of divorce will not be lost for the rest of their lives
Secondly, when you know the reason for divorce, you know what the result of your divorce is, and you can work in this direction unwaveringly, so that you can not regret the decision to divorce.
No one is a real cold-blooded animal, and there will be certain moments after divorce that make people feel shaken, and the irrepressible sense of loss will definitely make people emotionally backlash, making people wonder if the decision to divorce is correct.
Only with a real and specific purpose for divorce can you give people a shot in the arm when they are lost and lonely.
For example, divorce needs to be financially compensated, you need to release your emotions to find yourself, you need to break the depression and regain a new life, whether it is realistic or spiritual, and tap those increasing goals and desires in order to be more rational at the moment of divorce.
03 People who have a positive motive for divorce can not be empty for the rest of their lives
Many people don't know what the positive motivation for their divorce is, and they don't even have a motivation from the heart to push them to make a divorce decision, so they waver and get divorced in a daze.
Only with a positive motive for divorce can you rejoice in the correctness of divorce after divorce.
The first type of motivation for divorce is to protect oneself and avoid risks:
For example, if you are completely insecure in marriage, you have a real foreign debt, and a third party on the emotional level, marriage itself has become a threat to your sense of security, and divorce is to ensure your life safety and emotional health.
The second type of motivation for divorce is to expand outwardly:
For example, marriage seriously hinders one's economic accumulation and career development, and must be compulsorily excessively sacrificed for the family, which seriously damages one's sense of self-worth and achievement.
Only with a positive motivation for divorce can you ensure that you will not be depressed after the divorce, but have more courage to look at the secular reality, protect yourself more effectively, and achieve the rest of your life more effectively.
04 People who are clear about their complete demands can not be lonely for the rest of their lives
This appeal is not only the appeal of divorce to self-needs, but also the appeal of how you view your future life.
In other words, what do I get out of the divorce? What growth has been gained?
The process of clarifying one's own demands is actually a process of giving oneself confidence in disguise, because it takes great courage and growth to heal if you don't choose to divorce easily unless you have to.
For example, think about what parts of your marriage you have looked forward to and whether you can bring these additions to yourself. Whether you can support yourself financially, whether you can eliminate dependence emotionally, and whether you can quit habits in life.
Think about what qualities you have longed for in the other person, and why do these qualities appeal to you? Are you still attracted to yourself? Can you learn these qualities and use them to perfect yourself?
In marriage, the more clearly you see each other, the more you understand yourself, and the less afraid you are of future development and variables.
Because for the rest of their lives, everyone should be more capable of growing, and this is not a decision on whether to divorce or not.
Loneliness, loss, and emptiness are not the reasons to prevent divorce, but the inability to get rid of the "family support" of habit and dependence and the vague judgment of divorce are the keys to the bleakness of the rest of life.
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This article was first published on the Zhihu platform: Chen Man, Wang Xiao, Zhang Yan
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