The son scored 683 points in the college entrance examination, and the mother pointed out the secret in one sentence: ordinary children open their minds and counterattack with these 9 words

New Oriental Family Education

2024-07-02 09:24Creators in the field of parenting

Author: The main creative group Fengzi

In recent days, the results of the college entrance examination have been released one after another.

My friend's son also took the college entrance examination this year and scored an impressive 683 points, and the 985 university he liked was stable.

When my friends shared this joy with me, I was shocked beyond words.

You must know that when her friend's son was young, she complained a lot about her son's stupid brain and didn't like to study.

When his son was in junior high school, he was rebellious and disobedient to discipline, and the mother and son were still very stiff.

After her son went to high school, other people's mothers quit their jobs one by one to accompany her full-time students, but she was good and deliberately returned to the workplace, but she didn't take much care of the children.

This unexpected result undoubtedly rekindled my hope for my son, who was in the middle and lower reaches of the year, and had headaches, hand pains, and stomach aches as soon as he wrote his homework.

So, I hurriedly asked my friend for her educational secrets, hoping to draw some inspiration from it.

A friend told me that when her son was in the sixth grade, she noticed that there might be something wrong with her education style, so she started to study home education: buying books, attending classes, and practicing.

In the following years, she tried and made mistakes, corrected them, and summarized them, and finally formed a set of effective parenting concepts in the process of exploring again and again:

Don't be in a hurry, don't compare, don't be strong.

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Allow your child to grow at their own pace

My friend's son didn't do well in elementary school, and even got some bad grades.

A poem needs to be read more than a dozen times to read smoothly, and English sentences need to be yelled at many times by friends to remember.

The most terrible thing is to accompany the homework: if you don't know the questions over and over again, he just can't understand! Either you are careless and always do it wrong! Or grind and write for half a year!

Anxious, his friends couldn't help urging him, yelling at him, and questioning him: "Are you a pig brain?" Why can't you learn?! ”

In order to let her son's academic performance catch up, she also enrolled her son in classes, hired tutors, and brushed Olympiad math problems for her son for tutoring......

As a result, his son's grades did not rise but fell, and he was tired of school.

For a long time, as soon as my son did his homework, he cried and cried out "I won't".

At that time, she didn't know that the development of boys' brains was relatively slow, especially the left brain, which is responsible for language and logic, was late at night, so it was inevitable that they would struggle to study.

It was also after in-depth study that she realized that it was she who treated her son as a "rabbit" and hurriedly pulled her son forward and upward, so that her son, who was already lagging behind, gave up his efforts.

So, she began to slow down, give up running, jumping, and chasing, and conform to and respect the "climbing" in her son's world.

It is important to note that not being in a hurry does not mean leaving it alone.

Slow education requires the wisdom of "waiting" and the patience of "teaching".

1. Give your child apples that you can pick with a jump

Boys love challenges, but they are also afraid of failure.

Setting a goal that can be achieved by hard work can not only stimulate his desire to challenge, but also allow him to experience success while gaining a sense of accomplishment and confidence, so as to awaken the fire of his interest in learning.

For example, if the child scored 70 points in the test this time, then strive for 75 points next time; I wrote my homework for 3 hours today, so my goal for tomorrow is to finish it 10 minutes early.......

In this way, every day of the child, there is a small improvement.

2. Implant the concept of "not yet obtained" in the child

In fact, this is to teach children to use a growth mindset to look at their own growth.

For example, if a child can't learn a topic, you can put it aside and tell the child: it's not that he can't do it, but he hasn't acquired this ability for the time being, but if he continues to learn relevant knowledge, he can acquire this ability.

When children know that they can catch up with backwardness and their abilities can be improved, they can always maintain a confidence and strength and keep moving forward.

3. Teach according to the characteristics of children

Brain science studies have shown that boys are inherently less receptive to monotonous verbal stimuli, but are more receptive to stimuli from diagrams, images, and even spatial and moving objects.

Therefore, when we teach boys, we should be vivid, vivid, and specific.

For example, if you teach a student to use pictograms, it will be easier for him to memorize them. Writing essays using the five senses method, he is more likely to have something to say; Understand knowledge with a mind map, he better absorbs.

Not comparing

Every child needs to be affirmed and recognized

Many times, it is difficult for parents, and it is difficult to endure not comparing.

My friend and wife have a master's degree and a doctorate, and they don't need their parents to worry about learning since they were young, so every time they face their son who doesn't know what to do, they often blurt out if they hit, deny, or compare.

The most painful thing is the party, whether it is a parent-teacher meeting or a gathering between relatives and friends, other people's children are always so dazzling, either they speak well, or they speak English slippery, or they take the first place.

is the same child, but the gap is so big, it is too easy to say some comparative words, the son is irrefutable, and she has also achieved the purpose of education.

But what her friend didn't expect was that her self-righteous spur made her son suffer double denial.

Once, after my friend's son failed in the exam, he couldn't help but ask her:

"Mom, are you disappointed, I'm too bad, nothing can compare to other people's children."

Her son's words stung her.

She remembered what the book "Poisoned Parents" said:

"No child wants to admit that they are inferior to others, they want to be affirmed by adults, and their understanding of themselves often comes from adult evaluations."

Therefore, she decisively put down the ruler of comparison, no longer stared at her son's shortcomings, and accepted and discovered more.

My friend summed it up, she mainly did 3 things right, and finally helped her son counterattack all the way from the middle to the top three in the class.

First, every night he handwrites an "affirmative sticker" to his son.

From the first year of junior high school to the third year of high school, she persevered for 6 years.

Every day, she uses an appreciative eye to try to discover what her son does well, such as: getting up early and reading in the morning, cleaning up the room, and consciously punching in and practicing calligraphy......

Under this kind of appreciation and education, the son's good behavior was constantly reinforced, and finally solidified into a good habit.

The second is to ignore the shortcomings and play the long boards.

My son is good at math and physics, but his English is always on the passing edge.

In the past, she always asked her son to spend a lot of time and energy to make up English, but English was not mentioned, and other subjects fell behind because of less time.

Now, when my son has worked hard to reach the top one or two in mathematics and physics, his self-confidence has increased significantly, and he has gradually improved in other subjects.

The third is that after his son's achievements, he is allowed to be proud and allowed to celebrate.

Because when a child appreciates his success, the brain secretes dopamine, which stimulates the child to continue to do this well.

And all three of these things use the same principle: the winner's effect.

That is, when a child achieves a success or achievement, this experience translates into motivation for the child, making it easier to win later.

Therefore, if parents are really good for their children, they should not stare at the good of other people's families, but should dig more into the good of their own children, and use their advantages to drive the shortcomings, so that their children can become excellent step by step.

Not strong

Education is effective when the relationship is good

Professor Wang Defeng of Fudan shared a case.

One of his neighbors had a very stiff relationship with his son, and he would quarrel every day when he spoke.

The neighbor was angry and anxious, because the college entrance examination was coming, and her son's grades were still declining, but she couldn't say anything.

There was no way, the neighbors could only find Wang Defeng for support.

Wang Defeng gave her advice:

"From this day forward, don't see him as your son, and don't see yourself as his mother.

You just need to take care of his three meals a day and let him eat and sleep well. ”

The neighbor will be suspicious, no longer domineering his son, and no longer only focusing on grades, just cooking more and talking less.

Unexpectedly, after a period of time, the relationship between the neighbor and the son not only improved, but the son's grades also came up step by step.

My friend was inspired after reading it.

At that time, her son was in the third year of junior high school, and his grades had also dropped sharply, and he quarreled with her at every turn, and she always thought it was her son's problem.

I never thought about it, but my son who was in the rebellious period of youth had to use resistance to say "no" to her.

As one educator said, the bottom of adolescent children's learning problems is emotional problems.

Therefore, when the child enters junior high school and parents still want to grasp learning, they should not pay too much attention to it and interfere too much, but should first smooth out the relationship.

1. Give space

Adolescent children are independent and assertive, and parents who ignore their children's feelings and encroach on their children's boundaries will only stimulate their rebellious feelings.

Only by being less nagging and preaching, more respect and empathy, and leaving enough space for their children, can parents win the hearts of their children's evolution.

Children can also focus on learning and thinking, rather than consuming on confrontation with their parents.

2. Give support

Psychotherapist Li Zixun once said that when there are adolescent children at home, parents should "do not ask for help, and respond to requests".

To give support is to stand on the same front with the child and treat the child as a friend.

In this way, we can truly reach the child's heart, provide emotional support and connection, and thus stimulate the child's inner energy.

3. Give the atmosphere

The reason why friends go to work when their children are in high school is that they don't want to focus on their children and put too much pressure on them.

She thought that she had done a good job of herself, and in turn gave her son an example so that he could focus on improving himself.

And this positive and motivated family atmosphere is the best educational condition.

These three points, it seems that parents do less, but they provide children with a respectful, democratic, reassuring, and supportive family environment, and this is the holding environment proposed by the famous psychoanalyst Winnicott.

Growing up in such a relaxed family, children can naturally devote themselves to learning and work hard.

I agree with a sentence: On the road of learning, children have to go through ninety-nine eighty-one difficulties, and parents must also practice "seventy-two changes".

In this world, there is no such thing as excellence or sudden luck, and some are just the fulfillment of wishes after a thousand efforts.

Light up "watching", I hope that parents can not be anxious, not involuted, not strong and not introverted, cultivate a good attitude, and create a loving, warm, appreciative and tolerant growth environment for their children.

I also hope that all children can not be afraid of wearing the stars and the moon, not afraid of wind and rain, and ride the wind and waves in the coming day, and make their dreams come true.

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