What is the most painful thing about a marriage?
I think it should be: two people living under the same roof and sleeping in the same bed go from intimacy to strangers, making you feel lonely.
The late President of the United States, John F. Kennedy, once said, "Marriage is a garden, and husband and wife are gardeners in the garden." ”
However, when the gardeners stopped working and let the flowers wither, the marriage fell into an unspeakable sorrow.
Actually, it's not terrible to be alone, it's terrible to grow old with those who make you feel lonely.
I thought that no one was lonely, but the real loneliness is that there is a person by your side, but you still feel extremely lonely, which makes you depressed, sad and sad.
Many times, you also want to seek a warm response through intimate gestures, but often get cold rejection.
The same is true of sexless marriages!
I once saw the following post on Weibo, I have been married for 20 years, and I have not lived without a husband and wife for 15 years.
This phenomenon is increasing day by day.
There is a lack of interest in the bed, and everyone is busy under the bed, it turns out that there is really a pure friendship between men and women, and they are called "husband and wife".
What went wrong in such a marriage?
1. Make excuses to shirk and start sexlessly
The famous writer Zhang Ailing once said:
"Marriage is a besieged city, people outside the city want to go in, people in the city want to come out."
However, when marriage descends into a vortex of sexlessness, the city becomes a prison for the soul.
Singer Cai Qin once had a marriage with director Yang Dechang, which seemed perfect to outsiders, but there was unspeakable pain behind it.
It is said that Yang Dechang made a request to have no sex soon after his marriage, because he lost interest in sex.
Faced with this request, Cai Qin felt very painful, but she chose to forbear, hoping to make her husband change his mind through the passage of time.
However, the sexless marriage made Cai Qin feel lonely, and she once said in an interview:
"I sometimes wonder, am I still in a relationship? Because I think there should be sex in love, and if there is no sex, is it still love? ”
Cai Qin's marriage lasted for 10 years, and finally ended in divorce after Yang Dechang cheated and had children outside.
After the divorce, Cai Qin revealed in an interview that she had tried to save the marriage, but eventually found that the sexless life made her unbearable.
It can be seen from Cai Qin's sexless marriage that the sex life in married life is, to a certain extent, the embodiment of love.
When couples are unable to physically and psychologically fit together, marriages can be in trouble.
After the divorce, Cai Qin later had a husband who loved her and a lovely child.
For Cai Qin, bravely facing and ending this painful experience is an important step for her to regain her happiness.
2. Reluctant to have children, choose forbearance
Lu Xun once said:
"On the road of life, true happiness is the pursuit of truth, and the real hero is the one who pursues the truth."
However, in marriage, many people seek truth in the world of their children and choose to forbear.
Zhao Xiaoxiao and her husband were originally a loving couple, but in the past two years, he found that her husband was very perfunctory whenever he made love to him.
At first, she thought that her husband was too tired from work, and she didn't pay much attention to it, until the last six months, her husband often traveled for ten days and half a month.
It wasn't until I met my husband's colleague one day that I realized that my husband was not on a business trip at all, but had an affair.
Zhao Xiaoxiao's heart was full of anger and disappointment, but considering the young child, she chose to swallow her anger and officially sleep in a separate room with her husband.
She puts all her energy into her children, hoping to make up for the emptiness in her heart through the growth of children.
However, this life made her feel lonely, and she burst into tears in the dead of night.
After a long period of suffering, Zhao Xiaoxiao lost more than 20 pounds in three months.
She also wanted to end such a sexless marriage as soon as possible, and sometimes even thought of suicide, but when she saw the lovely child, she still couldn't give up.
This kind of pain is something that people who have not experienced it cannot experience.
3. Be single in marriage and live yourself well
American writer Helen Keller once said:
"The greatest challenge in life is how to find joy in a world full of pain."
On the verge of marriage breakdown, some people choose to face it bravely and live themselves well.
Chen Xiaoyu and her husband broke down their marriage due to incompatible personalities, and they wanted to divorce, but their parents threatened their lives not to allow them to divorce.
In the end, the two negotiated and decided to live together.
Although they are still legally husband and wife, they are living as if they were single.
Chen Xiaoyu began to pay attention to her quality of life, cultivate hobbies, and actively participate in social activities.
She gradually discovers that although her marriage failed, her life did not fall into darkness.
She learned how to find happiness in solitude and achieved a boost in self-worth.
Schopenhauer said:
"To be able to enjoy myself, to feel that everything is in my possession, and to be able to say that what I have is in me, is the most important thing that constitutes happiness."
Loneliness doesn't mean being isolated, it's more of a way of self-talk, allowing us to find answers in silence.
4. Write to the end
Marriage is like a big tree, which needs to be cared for by husband and wife.
When love is gone, marriage is in trouble.
In the face of loneliness, some people choose to escape, some choose to endure, and some choose to face it bravely.
Either way, it all stems from the desire for a better life.
As Bai Juyi said:
There is no hatred in life, and it is rare to meet wordless books in the world.
On the road to marriage, we need to keep learning and find our own happiness.