In the past few days, when I was studying, I listened to the teacher's concept of "reverse presentation", which I particularly agreed with, and when I guided my parents to change the way they educate their children, I kept telling my parents to take a step back.
At first, my parents didn't believe it, and even doubted it, thinking that when I said this, I was simply standing and talking without backache. Originally, parents wanted to find a way to change their children's rottenness and boredom with school, but why did they become independent of their children and want to change their parents themselves?
It sounds a bit unbelievable, it's like looking for a "panacea" for children to take, but it turns out that the "cause" is not the child but the parent.
This makes the parents a little unbelievable, thinking that it is obviously the child who is rotten, why has it become my problem, I don't want to carry this cauldron.
I know that parents don't understand why this is the case, and what questions are about whether the result of doing so will be upside down.
Parents have changed themselves and changed the way they get along with their children, can children really get better automatically without doing anything?
The answer is two words: really.
Don't talk about it, let's talk about my own children. When Brother Han and I were in the fifth or sixth grade of primary school, our relationship deteriorated to the point where there was no way to repair it.
My relationship with him was so cold that when I passed by his door, he would throw things at me, scold me for being sick, and try to spy on him every day. Let me get out of here!
He never let me into his room, and whenever I stayed, he left angrily.
I don't know what I'm doing wrong, it's obvious that he doesn't study, he skips class, he doesn't do his homework, and he still walks around with the gangsters every day, how can this be my fault?
I just passed by his door to go to the bathroom, how did I become a spy on him? Even if I really wanted to see if he was doing his homework in the house, it wouldn't be insane, would it?
In my cognition at the time, all I could think of was grievances and heartache, obviously I cared about him so much, and loved him with my life, why did he always hate and anger me so much?
Isn't it all for his good if I let him study, let him do his homework well, let him not mess up, quarrel with him, scold him, and beat him? When I hit him, scolded him, and quarreled with him, my heart was not comfortable, and it hurt in my heart when I hit him. I can't bear it.
However, the child is so rotten, he is about to go on a crooked path, if I don't clean him up ruthlessly, he is really hopeless in this life.
This is the most real and helpless thought I had when I had a conflict with my child a few years ago. It's a little sad, it's a little funny, and it's ridiculously wrong.
In those years, I was really difficult and tormented. I couldn't hold it up several times, and I wanted to do it all the time, thinking that I and the child would be freed, but I never thought that the reason why the child was so bad was caused by me.
I myself am a scumbag, I especially look forward to the child can learn well, I have enough of the suffering of poor learning, desperately want the child to change his fate through learning, so I can't do it myself, I want the child to do it, so as not to let him suffer my hardships over the years, don't take the detours I have taken.
So, the child will be beaten if he is disobedient, and he will be scolded and punished if he runs away and does not go home, I thought that these were all to make the child awaken and let the child take the right path, but I never thought that the child would be more rebellious, and the relationship with me was so bad that it was a mess.
At that time, I just felt like I was a failure, and the children I raised were such waste, sad, painful, and sad that they were flowing backwards.
This kind of bad relationship lasted for several years, until the child woke up in the first year of junior high school, and it can be said that I was forced to wake up, and if I didn't wake up, my baby would be depressed, and began to have the idea of being misanthropic and boring to live.
At that moment, I was scared. I'm afraid that if I continue to beat and scold the child like this, the child will really not be able to think about it, and then I won't be able to live at all. If I'm ready to die, what else can't I change?
Since then, I have never scolded my child again, and I no longer quarrel with my child frequently, but pull my energy and focus back on myself.
That year, I read hundreds of books, wrote hundreds of articles, ran more than 800 kilometers, and everything I did was to change myself and heal myself.
When I turn my focus back on myself and stop focusing on whether my child is learning or playing? Is the child doing his homework or is he messing around at the moment? What time is the child playing again? How much time did you spend playing?
When my emotions are more and more stable, my attitude is softer and softer, and I can also find more advantages in my children, I give them more care and care, rather than reprimanding and denying them.
A miraculous thing happened, my child's grades slowly changed from the bottom to the middle, and then from the middle to the second place in the class.
But in fact, I didn't interfere with my children's learning, I just took my children to read, let them practice the underlying logic of writing, and didn't care about anything else.
But the subversive changes that are visible to the naked eye are no longer addicted to games, no longer thinking about going out to play all day long, and are more willing to study hard.
It wasn't until now that I realized that everything I did before was called "reverse presentation", and if I wanted my child to become better, I had to make myself better first, and if I wanted my child to have self-motivation, I had to make myself more powerful and aggressive.
Energy is fluid, and it can go both ways. When parents really do their best, their children's self-motivation will slowly return.