This is the 253rd chapter of the series of stories "My Begonia My Autumn", "There is a Warm Wind in the Sky", and "I Originally Love You", the sister chapter "Love is in Business", I hope you like it~~
The previous episode reads:
Others are running, flying, walking and chatting leisurely.
She is the only one who is rolling and crawling, and even her hair is covered with sweat and mud, and her embarrassment is so difficult that survival is a problem.
"You know that Ye Xing was my boyfriend and fiancé, right?" She asked Xu Zhu.
Xu Zhu nodded, of course he knew, right now, they were also best friends.
Tian Shiyu's smile flashed, and she was silent for a moment.
"Well, he is actually my first love, the reason why I like him, in fact, it is simple and simple, and complex and complicated."
1
Ye Xing, like Shu Bohang, became famous very early, Da Sitian Shiyu interned in the hospital, the teacher had a good relationship with Ye Xing, and he respected Ye Xing's skills.
At that time, Tian Shiyu had just settled in Shanghai, and he didn't even stand firmly, he just learned to stand, not crawl and roll.
She has a great filter for Ye Xing.
Falling in love with Ye Xing is very easy to explain, it is simply a matter of course, Ye Xing has the ability and skills to be a good person, admiration, dependence and love are mixed like this.
A few years later, they became a couple, everything was very reasonable, Ye Xing was very good, he no longer made the mistakes in the previous marriage, tried to be considerate of her, understood her, and tried to make up for the shortcomings.
"But it's me who is not satisfied, I have a desire to destroy, the better he behaves, the more I will think: it's all fake, if he knows everything about me, he will disappear......"
All that gentleness, thoughtfulness, kindness and love will disappear.
Tian Shiyu rationally knew that it was wrong for her to think like this, this was to advance trust and overdraft her feelings in advance, but she couldn't do it without wanting to.
The more I think about it, the more pessimistic I become, and the more I feel: nothing lasts long, it's all fake, fake.
She is like a little girl guarding the beautiful soap bubbles, trembling and afraid of the day the bubbles will burst, but she just refuses to tell the truth.
Even if she met Mother Ye, they were planning to get married, and happiness was within reach, she also saw the dawn.
"I thought, maybe I have time to speak slowly, wait until the raw rice is cooked and ripe? Wait until we get married? By the time I really put down roots in Shanghai...... It's okay, no one in Shanghai knows me, it's far, far away from Xiangxi, and I don't have contact with my old family......"
Luck again and again, frightened again and again, until the news of the old grandmother's death reached Shanghai, she collapsed on the spot.
Ye Xing naturally followed her to Xiangxi to mourn her grandmother, and Tian Shiyu also exposed her wounds for the first time in her life.
She thought that she didn't care anymore, that she could talk about the past and face the past, and she was extremely brave.
As a result, the farce of her mother's stripping at the funeral made her so ashamed that she wanted to die on the spot.
She died and then had the heart of family affection, and resolutely left Shanghai not long after, abandoning Ye Xing.
Now, of course, she knew that it was her extremely sensitive and distrustful self-esteem, and it was also the beginning of her admiration for absolute strength.
But no matter how she looks back, she still sighs.
2
"If I had the mind I have now, a lot of people wouldn't miss out, a lot of things wouldn't have been handled that way, and everything would have been different."
Later, people only saw her capable, powerful, and heroic, but they didn't know that behind her was layers of armor made of thousands of holes, and it became a hard shell.
"If you had the mind you have now," Xu Zhu pondered, "then it would have been nothing to do with me." ”
yes, you've got everything, what else do you want me to do?
Tian Shiyu couldn't help but laugh, but the next second suddenly choked up.
"I'm sorry," she touched the back of Xu Zhu's head, "I'm only bringing you here now." ”
I'm sorry for my own reluctance to face it and keep you waiting so long.
Xu Zhu pursed his lips, whispering, softly: "Poetry, Teacher Tian, Senior Sister Tian, change the word, don't say I'm sorry." ”
Tian Shiyu said "um", and changed it if there was a mistake from good to good: "Xu Zhu, I love you." ”
Ouch hey! It was too much of an answer, Xu Zhu immediately covered his eyes, grabbed Tian Shiyu's hand and put it down, showing her his reaction.
This was the first time that Tian Shiyu said "I love you" to him, and he was greatly stimulated.
She said many, many times "Thank you!" He said, "I'm proud of you!" ", said "You're awesome! He also said "I like you".
But never said "I love you".
He doesn't force it, it's okay, love this word, he has a long time, take your time, it was originally a word taken out of the depths of the heart, too rare to say casually.
He loves Tian Shiyu, he is willing to wait, it doesn't matter, he waits for as long as he wants.
She doesn't say? Then he said okay, and he didn't care who said more and who said less.
He has a lot of love, inexhaustible, as long as Tian Shiyu needs, he will give it all, give it all.
"You ......" The sadness dissipated, Tian Shiyu couldn't wait to give a slap in the face, "It's not so exciting, right?" ”
Xu Zhu was also a little embarrassed to hug her: "Of course, of course, this is the switch, I'm so happy." ”
3
The two love is so happy, it is no longer a one-sided payment, not an unrequited love, not a bitter love, but you love me, and I happen to love you.
"Let's drive, it's been a long time."
Xu Chu refused, he pestered her to hug, and did nothing else just hug, whispering: "Say a few more words, if you say love, you have to love for a lifetime, and you can't do less." ”
The person I love says he loves me, what should I do if I am so happy?
"Two more words, then one sentence, just one sentence, okay?"
Tian Shiyu looked back at him, wanting to laugh but a little sad, "I love you, Xu Zhu," she touched his head at once, "There will be a response in the future, your people and your feelings, I will respond." ”
Xu Zhu still couldn't hold back, he rushed over and kissed her, his eyelashes were wet, he had obviously made love many times, but this time he was naïve and frizzy, like a child.
"I love you too, Shiyu, this is no longer your sad place in the future, this is the place where we confirm each other's final intentions, it is the place where you say you love me, we will be together for the rest of our lives."
Tian Shiyu was stunned for a moment, and was stunned, it was really like a switch, she thought to herself, like a switch that collapsed and was completely put down.
She hugged Xu Zhuyan and cried, in the car at night, on an unknown mountain road in Xiangxi.
She felt that she had shrunk her body, and she had become the same child in the mountains again, a little girl carrying firewood to sell, a schoolgirl who shrunk her feet in front of the teacher to hide the holes in her shoes, and a girl who was doing homework under the lamp and secretly watching the old grandmother......
Her pain stems from this land, but it has never been seen, understood, or known.
Decades of wandering alone, she is used to walking alone on the road, and she is also used to suffering alone.
To this day, Xu Zhu said: I love you.
Whether it is you in the past, or you now, embarrassed or selfish, I accept and love you.
She had armor for a long time, but today she realized that the world under the armor had long been green.
"I'm really not afraid now," she smiled and clenched Xu Zhu's hand, "Not only am I not afraid, but I have infinite courage." ”
This Xu Zhu is really a little sun, warm.
4
The two of them rested enough and drove back on the road, talking along the way, and also chatting about those former scenery.
The mood changed, Tian Shiyu's vision of seeing things was different, and the tone and tone were all up.
For a moment: I've been here before, and the road is so wide? It used to be a thin road.
A while: There used to be a small store here, and his crispy noodles were a dime cheaper than other stores.
For a moment: This road is blocked? In the past, you could go up the back mountain from here, and there were treasures on the mountain all year round.
In the spring, I go to pick bayberry, in the summer I eat red fruits, in the autumn there are chicken dates and chestnuts, and in the winter I sometimes find snakes hibernating in the holes.
The bayberry is packed in an enamel jar, washed in the mountain spring water and sold to classmates, and the jar costs two cents.
Red fruits can be used in medicine, sweet and sour are also delicious, all picked off and carried to the Chinese medicine shop, a pound of seven cents.
Chicken jujube is the local name, I don't know how to call it in other places, the sweet is greasy, worthless, just eat it as a snack.
Chestnuts are valuable but have many burrs, and peeling chestnuts every autumn can make your hands swollen.
I find a snake that hibernates in winter, and sometimes I can see the snake molting, which is very valuable, but what I find many times will be snatched away, and I can't beat them.
The happiest time was in junior high school, where the old grandmother raised a few chickens, and she could drink chicken soup during the Chinese New Year.
Since I was a child, I would kill chickens and cut fish, and I would go down to the river to touch crabs and catch snails, which can be exchanged for money......
The old grandmother used to be the best weaver in the mountains, and in those years she sent me to school every day, and she didn't leave, but she embroidered on the playground and waited, and at noon it was a corn cob or a potato, and I went home with school in the afternoon.
Later, when I was in high school, her eyes were not good and she couldn't walk far.
She didn't wait for me to get married, and took her to enjoy the blessings.
The car turned from the asphalt road to the concrete road and finally stopped at a dirt road.
Over there, over there......
Tian Shiyu stopped the car, and in the afterglow of the setting sun, she got out of the car and looked at the grave pile surrounded by fields dozens of meters away.
"My old grandmother, there."
5
The fields were fallow in winter, but because of the heavy winter rains here, the soil was not dry, and they passed over the ridges.
The ridge is very narrow, only enough for one person to walk, Tian Shiyu walks very fast and easily, unlike Xu Zhu swaying like a penguin.
This is one of the graves of Tianjia Tomb, which has been buried for at least four generations, and the scope is not small, like a small soil slope.
When the old grandmother died, Tian Shiyu was stable in Shanghai, and the funeral was very beautiful, and a lot of money was spent.
But now the tomb is desolate, the handwriting on the bluestone tablet has long been blurred, overgrown with weeds, and there is a lot of mud, which shows that it is not very popular.
"Because of my mother's profession, the old grandmother was also bullied in the village and town, everyone said that she didn't teach her children well, her mother's family didn't associate with her, and even when she was buried, the Tian family didn't let her enter the ancestral grave."
The old grandfather died very early, and he was a respected veterinarian before he died, but unfortunately, the old couple did not have a good daughter.
"In the end, I gave her a lot of money to let her in here."
The grave of the old grandfather next to him is quite tidy, but the grandmother's dirty.
Tian Shiyu squatted down and wiped it with a wet tissue, and Xu Zhu joined her: "Can you still be buried here?" I thought the nationwide cremation would have started a long time ago. ”
"Yes, there are policies and countermeasures, not to mention Xiangxi, there are still many places in Hebei for burial, do you know?"
Xu Zhu shook his head, he really thought that cremation had been implemented all over the country for many years, and there was no burial in this world for a long time.
Tian Shiyu said: "It's always been there, but you don't know it." ”
She has run rounds in Hebei and Henan, and has seen the burial team with her own eyes, and she has also seen the locals "walking in the shade".
China has a vast land and a large population, and what we see and come into contact with is always just a corner, and other living beings are intricately intertwined.
Xu Zhu was sullen for a moment: "Then why is Ah Gong's tombstone not dirty?" Only Grandma's dirty? ”
"Because my grandfather was respected during his lifetime, and he died early, my mother did a bad job, and they all thought that my grandma had a greater responsibility."
Tian Shiyu sneered, "Aren't they all women who take the blame?" Especially in rural culture. ”
6
Prostitutes and prostitutes, people don't blame prostitutes, blame prostitutes, and even hate those who give birth to prostitutes and those who are born to prostitutes; blames the client's wife, saying that she didn't take good care of her husband, and he was not satisfied and went to be a ladybug.
But they forgot that there is demand and then market in this world, and if there were no ladybugs, how could there be such a secret business.
Ancient and eternal, almost as long as human history.
Compared with other tombs, the graves of both the old grandfather and the old grandmother are too shabby, bitter and shabby, and dilapidated.
Tian Shiyu found a fellow villager to take care of him before, and he paid the fee every year, but then the villager moved away, and the graves of his elders did not come back to sweep them, so no one cared about them here.
Looking for someone else? Tian Shiyu's hometown is thin, and he really hasn't had any contact with others.
The environment here is very good, in the middle of a large field, it is also a pleasant scenery, but in the end there are many old graves, and now it is not a festival, so it is inevitable that it will be desolate and deserted.
Xu Zhu looked left and right and didn't see Tian Shiyu's mother's grave, he wanted to ask a few words but was afraid that she would be angry, and he didn't want to ask and was a little confused.
Tian Shiyu even knew about the death of his mother from the mouths of others, so he must not know where the grave is, Tian Shiyu himself doesn't know, right?
"I know what you're thinking," Tian Shiyu glanced at him and smiled.
"My mother was in Yong'an Hall in the county seat, and she didn't sink into the soil and made ashes storage."
She gave the fellow a labor fee at that time, asked him to help deal with it, and also gave the man a doctor in Shanghai to run before and after, so she knew where her mother's ashes were.
It's just that she hasn't come back to see it.
"I don't accept her here, I think she's embarrassed, and the genealogy has eliminated her." Tian Shiyu is particularly calm.
Now that I hate my mother to the point of gritting my teeth, no matter what, it doesn't seem to be. It's just that Tian Shiyu is thinking: If there is an afterlife, they still don't want to see each other again.
"She lost her father when she was young, and her life with her mother was not easy, so she pinned all her hopes on men, wanted to be happy by marriage, and finally was so disappointed in men, so she broke the jar and went to the road of no return."
"If she's still alive, she'll be almost 70."
"Actually, now that I think about it, there are still similarities between my and her personalities, both of them are equally stubborn and ruthless."
"She hated me all her life, but the only tenderness was also given to me, and I passed the college entrance examination, and she was so happy to meet people that she said that she walked like she was dancing...... After the relationship was severed, she really didn't come to me again until she died. ”
"She never mentioned my biological father, even if she couldn't get by, she didn't look for him once, she was so good at splashing and rolling, quarreling with people to win, but she never begged that man once."
Although it may be that it is useless to know that it is useless to ask......
Tian Shiyu sat in front of the old grandmother's tombstone, looking far away.
The endless fields, the mountains in the distance, the scenery is beautiful, but the people in this land, those love, hatred, hatred and grievances, are too far away from her.
It was so far away that she couldn't even remember, and she almost couldn't remember.
She lowered her head and pulled out a weed: "Xu Zhu, I want to take them all away and completely cut off this land." ”
(Chapter 253, End)