[Statement: This content is an adaptation of a long-form fictional short story, please watch it rationally, and do not sit in the opposite seat]
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Preface
In 1993, Lin Lin's life changed dramatically. Her mother, Li Xia, was riding a strange man's motorcycle and speeding past in front of Lin Lin, and she has not appeared since. This scene became one of the most painful memories of her childhood.
Many years later, her mother died of cancer, and this woman, who did not bring her much maternal love, deeply affected Lin Lin after her death and plunged her into the quagmire of depression. In order to save her broken heart, Lin Lin decided to revisit her mother by creating a photograph about her mother. However, when sorting out her mother's belongings, she found a Hongta Mountain cigarette box, which contained things that gave her a new understanding of maternal love.
Broken memories of childhood
In 1993, Lin Lin, a four-year-old girl, cried as she watched her mother's back gradually disappear. She shouted "Mommy" hoarsely and chased after the back of the motorcycle.
However, no matter how sad Lin Lin was and how hard she tried, Li Xia didn't look back at her. At that moment, Lin Lin's world collapsed, and her mother, the woman she thought would always be by her side, left her like this. This scene is deeply imprinted in Lin Lin's memory and has become one of the most painful memories of her childhood.
In the following years, Lin Lin has been living in the longing for her mother and the desire for maternal love. Her grandparents always told her that her mother was a woman with no sense of responsibility and abandoned her and her father. Every time Li Xia was mentioned, her grandmother's expression was disappointed, disgusted and indifferent. These evaluations made Lin Lin have mixed feelings for her mother, on the one hand, deep longing, and on the other hand, indescribable anger and disappointment.
However, the neighbors said that her father was the one who had no sense of responsibility, and the reason why her mother Li Xia left was because her father was not motivated, which made her feel disappointed. Such remarks made Lin Lin even more confused, she didn't know who to believe, and she didn't know what kind of person her mother was.
Lin Lin's only clear memory is the scene where she chased the motorcycle and shouted "Mom". In the dead of night, this image always comes to her mind, making it difficult for her to sleep. She longed to know her mother, to know why she had left her, but everything was like a fog and she couldn't see clearly.
Soon after the divorce, Lin Lin's father tried to remarry Li Xia. He invited the elders of the family and took Lin Lin to Li Xia's house to talk about remarriage. That day, many people came to Li Xia's house, but everyone quarreled without saying a few words, the quarrel was too intense, and when the parents were emotional, they even scuffled together several times.
Lin Lin, who was standing on the side, was accidentally bumped into by her father, her red cheeks slammed on the cabinet on the side, she screamed in pain, but the thin Lin Lin seemed to be a "little transparent", and no one stopped to care about her. Soon, she found that she had a nosebleed, but her parents were still arguing, so she could only stand in place, looking at her pale parents in a dazed manner, feeling the oppressive environment around her.
That night, the parents finally failed to reach an agreement to remarry, and the father returned disappointed. After grandma learned of the situation, she looked at Lin Lin with disgust: "You are so useless, I deliberately brought you over, just thinking about how many starting points to play, but I didn't expect it to be useless." Lin Lin felt very uncomfortable, she was lying on the bed alone, her eyes staring blankly at the ceiling, tears kept rolling in her eyes, and her body was as heavy and tired as if it had been filled with lead. That feeling of collapse and despair that Lin Lin will never forget in her life. Years later, until I became an adult, the image of that night can still be clearly in my mind, even the shape and color of the cabinet that knocked me at that time are so specific.
A childhood without maternal love
After the divorce, Li Xia experienced several failed romances, and at the same time, the food machinery factory where she worked also went out of business. In order to support herself and her son, Li Xia began to do various jobs, but the income was meager and life was difficult. The grandparents asked their father to go to Li Xia to remarry again, but the father couldn't accept that Li Xia had been in relationships with multiple men, and finally decided to let go of the relationship.
In 1995, Li Xia remarried and married a powerful man, and her life gradually improved. She opened a sauna, had a good business, and her income increased. Soon after marriage, Li Xia became pregnant. In order to keep her husband's job, she and her husband decided to fake divorce and went to Xinjiang alone to give birth to a child. At that time, Li Xia lived alone in Xinjiang with her children, but she lived a difficult life willingly, and even wrote in her diary: "The days in Xinjiang are very hard, but everything is worth it for that man." ”
However, in 1998, Li Xia's husband suddenly told her that someone had introduced him to a partner and that he was going to remarry. Li Xia was emotional and hung up the phone. After that, the man really remarried another woman, and Li Xia could only accept the reality and raise her son alone.
When Lin Lin was in the fourth grade of elementary school, her father also remarried. Grandparents always told Lin Lin that her mother left her and ran away, and always said bad things about Li Xia. Lin Lin gradually thought that since her mother didn't want herself, she didn't need her mother anymore. She hopes that her stepmother can replace Li Xia's role and no longer miss her biological mother.
However, the reality is not as expected. Although her stepmother came, Lin Lin didn't feel too much "maternal love". Once, her stepmother took Lin Lin out shopping, and Lin Lin fell in love with three pieces of clothing and wanted to buy them all home. But the stepmother smiled and told her to "think beautifully" and didn't buy the last one. Lin Lin was disappointed and no longer made any demands on her stepmother.
Later, the younger brother was born, and the stepmother naturally favored her own biological son. Once, Lin Lin couldn't bear it anymore, and said to her stepmother: "Your partiality is too obvious, I feel very uncomfortable." She thought her stepmother would blame herself and apologize, but her stepmother said frankly, "You are not my own." ”
This sentence was a huge hurt to Lin Lin, and she digested it for several years before she finally figured it out and no longer forced love that didn't belong to her.
An opportunity to reshape the image of motherhood
Around the turn of the millennium, affected by the general environment, Li Xia's sauna was forced to close. In order to support her son, she went south to work, but the money outside was not easy to earn. After returning to Xi'an, she opened a mahjong parlor and grew rice and chickens, but her income was still not enough to make ends meet, so she could only apply for a subsistence allowance.
In 2012, Lin Lin was in her senior year, and one day, she suddenly received a call from Li Xia. On the other end of the phone, Li Xia's voice was very weak, she said that she was about to die and wanted to see Lin Lin for the last time. I haven't been in touch for 19 years, and now that I heard that my mother was dying, Lin Lin didn't have much emotion, but just replied with an "oh" very plainly.
After seeing her long-lost mother, Lin Lin found that she was in a very poor state, skinny, and her whole face was bloodless. Li Xia told her indifferently: "I will rely on these things to survive now." "Mother and daughter haven't seen each other for 19 years and don't have much in common. When parting, Li Xia took two cross-stitches to Lin Lin, one of which was given to Lin Lin's father, saying that it was a souvenir.
Two months later, Li Xia died and completely disappeared from Lin Lin's world. For many years after that, Lin Lin has been deeply shrouded in some indescribable emotion, she often has nightmares and often thinks of Li Xia. The death of her mother made Lin Lin realize that when she was terminally ill, her grandmother and uncle did not work very hard to save her, nor did they spend much money on her.
Lin Lin suddenly felt that her mother had failed in life, she had been pursuing freedom all her life, and she loved so passionately every time, but in the end she had nothing, and her marriage and career were such failures. After going to college, Lin Lin often sighed why others had a normal family, but she didn't, neither a normal father nor a mother who loved her.
After Li Xia died, that sad and negative mood began to spread in Lin Lin's body, and slowly, she experienced insomnia, anxiety, and depression. She tried many ways to save herself, such as yoga, meditation, mindfulness, running, etc., but it didn't work much. In 2017, Lin Lin began to receive psychological counseling. During the consultation, the doctor found that although Li Xia had been dead for several years, Lin Lin's every word revolved around her. Li Xia never made Lin Lin feel motherly love, but she occupied her entire heart after her death.
Lin Lin will never forget the scene where her mother sat in someone else's motorcycle and disappeared in front of her, nor can she forget the scene where her mother and father scuffled together after she had a nosebleed after hitting a cabinet in her mother's house. For her mother, Lin Lin actually doesn't know much, her understanding of her mother only comes from the single evaluation of her grandparents and father. The doctor suggested that since it was difficult to let go, it was better to reshape the image of her mother in her heart, after all, her understanding of her mother was only one-sided.
Discover what motherhood is really like
After that, Lin Lin decided to shoot a video about her mother. She went to the two communities where her mother once lived, went to the place where she worked to collect the scenery, and went to her grandmother's house to move back all her belongings. For four or five months, Lin Lin slowly had a new interpretation of her mother. Mother, unlike the women of that era, followed her heart all her life.
In order to marry her father, she was willing to give up the iron job of a state-owned enterprise, but it was precisely from the beginning of giving up a state-owned enterprise that her life seemed to have been going downhill. Every time she falls in love, she is desperate and self-sacrificing, but love has repeatedly failed her. In every job, she tried her best, even at the end of her life, she still played games with her son and sold equipment for money, but until her death, life was still poor.
Li Xia worked very hard to live, but like a victim of the times, after making casual choices again and again, she was defeated and retreated, lost her love, lost her career, and became a pitiful and pathetic loser in the eyes of others.
When sorting out Li Xia's relics, Lin Lin found a Hongta Mountain cigarette box with a whole box of small wooden sticks in it. She asked her grandmother what these were, and she told her, "When you were a child, you were not good at math, so she rubbed these little sticks with her hands, saying that if you take them and count them when you learn math, it won't be so difficult to learn." In addition, Lin Lin also found that in her baby's photo album, her mother wrote a sentence on the photo of her when she was two years old: "At the age of two, I speak crisply, clearly, a little naughty, and I have learned to scold!" ”
Looking at these relics, Lin Lin's eyes were sour, and she couldn't help crying. At this moment, she suddenly felt that her mother was not as bad as she imagined. Even if she has no feelings for herself later, she must have loved herself deeply in the first few years after giving birth to herself. Perhaps, Li Xia is such a person, she loves deeply when she loves, and decisively decisively when she doesn't love, which is true for anyone.
After an in-depth understanding, Li Xia's image in Lin Lin's heart was finally concretized. She's just a poor person who is being dragged forward by the times. Looking at these traces of Li Xia's "mother's love", the sadness and depression in Lin Lin's heart were finally relieved. For her, as long as she has loved, that is enough.
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