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On January 4, 1991, the sky in Taipei was overcast, as if to foreshadow the impending tragedy. In a ward at Veterans General Hospital, 64-year-old Sanmao sat quietly on the edge of his bed, his eyes revealing deep exhaustion and confusion.
Her fingers trembled as she picked up the phone and dialed a familiar number.
"Hey, Little Bear, it's me, Sanmao. Are you at home? Her voice was soft and urgent, but it was only met with silence on the other end of the line. She tried again, but no one answered.
Putting down the phone, Sanmao's eyes fell on the stockings on the bedside table, and a trace of determination flashed in his eyes. It has been 12 years since José's death, but the loneliness and pain in her heart have never dissipated.
In the last moments of her life, she chose to end this long wait.
17 years later, when Sanmao's suicide note was made public, people really understood the despair in her heart. The phone call that couldn't be answered became the last key to solve the puzzle of Sanmao's life.
In the smoke of gunpowder in Chongqing, the cry of a baby girl pierced the noise of war. This girl born in 1943 is Sanmao, and her life is destined to be different.
Since childhood, Sanmao has been a quiet child. Her big round eyes are always quietly observing everything around her, as if she is recording every detail of this world with her mind.
Her laughter is crisp, but it doesn't come often; Her eyes were often red, and she seemed to be ready to cry at any moment. This sensitive and introverted personality makes her seem out of place in the bustling and lively world.
After entering the school, Sanyu's personality became more and more withdrawn. The harsh classrooms, heavy schoolwork, and noisy environment made her feel uncomfortable. The classmates are racing against time for their future, but Sanyu is often alone in contemplation, silently watching everything around him with those sad eyes.
Academically, Sam Yu's performance was not outstanding, except for the Chinese subject. She has an innate sensitivity to words, and she can easily read even long tomes that are difficult for elementary school students to understand.
However, this unique talent was not appreciated in the education system at the time.
In a math exam, Sanyu relied on rote memorization of textbook content to improve his score from the bottom to the top. This unusual behavior aroused the suspicion of the teacher, and she was mistaken for cheating and suffered humiliation in front of the class.
This blow was undoubtedly heavy for the young Sanyu, and her self-esteem was seriously damaged.
However, during this difficult formative years, her mother's support became a light in Sanyu's life. The mother would always bring her all kinds of books, hoping to open her daughter's closed heart.
In the world of words, Sanyu has found his own talent and solace. She began to experiment with creation, using the tip of her pen to express her inner emotions.
In this way, Sanyu gradually walked out of the abyss of loneliness and became cheerful again. Her path of writing began, laying the foundation for Sanmao to become a well-known writer in the literary world in the future.
This childhood experience, full of frustration and hope, shaped Sanyu's unique outlook on life and values, and became an important source of her future literary creation.
In 1967, 24-year-old Sanmao came to Madrid, Spain to study, and the gears of fate quietly turned. In this exotic city, she met Jose, who was eight years younger than herself.
This handsome, dashing and talented young man has an amazing tacit understanding with Sanmao.
In the face of Jose's warm and youthful love, Sanmao remained rational and calm. She responded, "Okay, I'll wait for you." Subsequently, Sanmao left Madrid alone and began a wandering life around Europe, losing contact with Jose.
Fate is always full of drama. In 1971, Sanmao fell in love with a German educator and thought he had finally found a home. However, on the eve of their engagement, the German teacher died suddenly of a heart attack.
This blow made Sanmao depressed, and he even wanted to end his life at one point.
However, happiness is always short-lived. In 1979, José died unexpectedly during a diving trip at the age of 27. This bad news was like a thunderbolt from the blue, completely shattering Sanmao's inner world.
She reminisced about Jose affectionately in "How Much Do You Know About the Flowers in Your Dreams", and her thoughts and condolences for her lover were revealed between the lines.
Jose's departure is an inhealable wound for Sanmao. The strong woman who once chased the sunset in the Sahara Desert lost the direction of her life after losing the love of her life.
This unforgettable love experience has become an important background for understanding Sanmao's later choice to hang himself.
The love story of Sanmao and Jose is like a sad love song that transcends time and space. It witnesses the meeting, acquaintance, and love of two souls, and the cruel parting of life and death.
This relationship deeply affected Sanmao's life and became the most moving material in her literary creation. In Sanmao's pen, Jose will always be the handsome and affectionate teenager, and the Sahara Desert has become an eternal witness of their love.
In 1989, Sanmao's life ushered in an unexpected turning point. Through a friend's recommendation, she heard the name of Wang Luobin, the "King of Western Singers", for the first time.
This old man, who has experienced two prisons and always has endless thoughts for his beloved wife, has aroused a strong resonance in Sanmao's heart.
In fact, as early as many years ago, Sanmao had heard Wang Luobin's singing, but he didn't know the story behind this musician who created many popular ethnic music works.
When she watched Wang Luobin's talk show, she had a deep admiration and admiration for him.
In April 1990, Sanmao resolutely decided to follow the tour group to Xinjiang, and finally had the opportunity to meet this 77-year-old music giant with his own eyes. Although the two have a 30-year age difference, they have a good conversation because of their common love of music and literature.
Sanmao even sang her own original song for Wang Luobin, showing her talent in music.
After a short time together, Sanmao developed a strong affection for Wang Luobin. In the first letter, she unreservedly poured out her heart and expressed her deep love for Wang Luobin.
However, Wang Luobin only regarded Sanmao as a junior and politely rejected her feelings.
Although he was extremely sad in his heart, Sanmao still decided to embark on the journey to Xinjiang again, hoping to be by Wang Luobin's side. In August 1990, Wang Luobin personally rushed to the airport to greet Sanmao, and this enthusiasm made Sanmao feel both surprised and confused.
After learning about Wang Luobin's life story, Sanmao was surprised to find that their life trajectories had so many similarities. Wang Luobin also won the heart of his lover with his musical talent, but unfortunately lost his wife and spent the rest of his life alone in Xinjiang.
This similar experience made Sanmao even more convinced that there was some special connection between her and Wang Luobin.
However, the reality is cruel after all. Their life trajectories and living environments are very different from each other, so Sanmao has to accept this fact with tears. Although the ending was not satisfactory, Sanmao found her own glimmer of light from Wang Luobin's life, and this experience also became an important turning point in her later life.
At the beginning of 1991, Sanmao's life entered the final countdown. At the age of 64, she suffered from endometrial hypertrophy and had to be admitted to Taiwan's Veterans General Hospital for treatment.
This hospital became the last stop on her life's journey.
Sanmao, who was on the sickbed, was in an unusually low mood. Long-term insomnia plagued her, and she could barely sleep with the help of sleeping pills. The shadow of depression loomed with her, leaving her tormented.
During this difficult period, a young man named Su Lanping walked into Sanmao's life.
He met Sanmao through his friend Qiong Yao. This young man, who is more than ten years younger than Sanmao, is not only a doctoral student in a well-known university, but also a well-known local singer.
At first, he only regarded Sanmao as a weathered elder. However, Sanmao's frank and straightforward personality and colorful life experience soon touched the heart of Zhan Ping.
A deep friendship quickly developed between them. He even humorously called Sanmao "a 375-room hotel", and each room hides a vivid and interesting story.
This friendship brought a touch of warmth and comfort to Sanmao's later life.
However, fate always seems to be particularly cruel to Sanmao. On January 3, Sanmao successfully completed the operation. But in the early hours of the next morning, a shocking news came - Sanmao ended his life with stockings.
Sanmao's sudden death shocked the world. No suicide note was found at the time, and there are different theories about the cause of her death. It wasn't until years later that people learned that on the eve of his suicide, Sanmao had called Wei Ping twice, but unfortunately, these calls were not connected.
After Sanmao's death, he accidentally found a letter left by Sanmao on a train to Siberia. In the letter, Sanmao said goodbye to Wei Ping affectionately, expressing his nostalgia and reluctance for life.
This letter reveals Sanmao's inner loneliness and despair, and also becomes a key clue to unravel her choice to hang herself.
Sanmao's departure is not only the curtain call of a talented writer, but also the liberation of a soul who has suffered from life. She ended the long wait in her own way, and fixed her story forever on that cold winter night.
Sanmao's departure is not the end, but the beginning of the eternal journey of her soul. Her words, like an oasis in the desert, nourished the hearts of countless readers. Sanmao once said: "The beauty of time lies in its inevitable disappearance, spring flowers, autumn moons, summers, winter snow, are all eternal."
She used her life to interpret the deep meaning of this sentence.
With respect for Sanyu, she spent 20 years traveling to 54 countries and fulfilling her unfulfilled wish. In 2011, "Sanmao's Last Letter" came out, giving the world a deeper understanding of this talented writer.
Sanmao's attitude and philosophy of life have become the spiritual sustenance of many people. Her stories, her words, and her wisdom are like a beacon that will never be extinguished, continuing to illuminate the path of life for future generations.
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