To commemorate the fifth anniversary of the passing of my husband from Wei Xi
——Commemoration of Cong Weixi: Sauvignon Blanc Farewell
From the last photo of Weixi and his wife Zhong Zilan
October 29, 2019, sunny. In late autumn, the sky in Beijing is high and the sun is shining, but my husband and I have no sun. At 7:35 a.m., my husband left me forever from Mr. Weixi, leaving the world he had measured with a pen and a keyboard.
In June 2019, Wei Xijun was found to have lung cancer during a physical examination at Union Hospital. Soon the cancer cells were found in the pleural fluid, and it was a rapidly progressing and dangerous small cell lung cancer. There is no surgical condition for the location and nature of the disease, and there is no targeted drug for this type of lung cancer in the medical field, except chemotherapy to delay the progression of the disease. Wei Xijun flatly refused chemotherapy. And I, who has been a clinician for many years, can neither watch him endure the pain of chemotherapy, nor accept the inaction of waiting, and almost collapse. In October, after being admitted to Chaoyang Hospital, he was reluctant to accept a drug that destroys angiogenesis in the hope of slowing the development of cancer cells.
Our friend for many years, Director Xu Lanping of Chaoyang Hospital, and the doctor in charge of the hospital bed did not get his permission. Although the doctor clearly informed me about the side effects of the medication, the risk of heart disease, and gastrointestinal bleeding, I could not watch the cancer cells devour my husband like a vicious beast bite by bite. I mustered up the courage to try to convince him to agree to the trial, but it didn't work. "I'm human." He looked at me and said seriously. I looked away and walked out of the room, bursting into tears. The doctor in charge said to me, "Forget it, Auntie, maybe this can be delayed for a while." I used the medicine, and I regretted it even more. "Yes, there is no comparison, no right or wrong, no ifs, only despair and helplessness.
During the difficult and difficult days when Wei Xijun was sick for more than four months, I tried not to touch this topic. When it is unavoidable, it ends quickly with a short word. I avoided it because the truth was too cruel. I even hope that once again he thinks that he will be able to overcome the disease in the same way that he has survived myocardial infarction and status asthmaticus.
It wasn't until three years later, when Xiao Zhu, who took care of him with me every day, sent a message that I suddenly understood. Xiao Zhu wrote on WeChat: "Uncle fully understands the seriousness of his condition, and in the last moments, you are the only one he can't rest assured." Uncle always chatted with Xiao Zhu: After I leave, there will be only your eldest mother left, what should she do? At night, my uncle was uncomfortable and couldn't sleep, so he talked to me, but no matter what he said, he always couldn't leave the worry about you, worried that after he left, you wouldn't be able to get out. Big Mom, for the sake of Uncle's peace of mind, you must cheer up, this is Uncle's hope. ”
Yes, Wei Xijun has fully understood the nature of the disease in our words and actions. There was no complaint, no demand, no complaining, no tantrums, he quietly endured the torture of illness and the parting of life. He just didn't want to face me, he understood the cowardice in my character, and this was the last thing he cared for me.
Standing in front of me, he was a man who acted upright and resolute
Met Wei Xijun in 1990. That year, I had just returned to Beijing from the army. Mr. Chen Huangmei's secretary, Ms. Yan Ping, who is also the daughter of my father's old comrade-in-arms, introduced me to Mr. Cong Weixi through my sister. When we first met, he gave me three books: "The Broken Bridge", "Towards Chaos", and "German Thinking".
As a medical clinician, I had little time and no opportunity to come into contact with more literary books. These three books are so new and timely to me. He opened up a whole world for me to experience experiences that I had never experienced or even known. At the same time, I was also impressed by the insights, thoughts, and talents he expressed in the book.
After all, there is an age gap of nearly 20 years between us, and it is difficult to make up our minds to marry him. He saw my hesitation and said to me, "I am so much older than you, and I have to go a lot first according to the laws of nature, so you have to be mentally prepared." Then he laughed and said, "I have dug coal." There are two types of coal: one is flammable and also easy to extinguish; The other takes some time to ignite, but it lasts a long time when it's lit, and I've got a lot of sticks ready. That's very moving, isn't it?
Perhaps it was pure providence. That day, I worked the night shift and went to his house during the day to chat. I had just entered the door when the doorbell rang. Turning around, through the fence of the big iron gate, I saw a man looking for Cong Weixi. I raised my hand and was about to open the door when Wei Xijun's voice came from behind me: "Wait. Wei Xijun looked at the person outside the door and said, "I'm sorry, ××, I won't be at home to receive guests today." You must have come for 'work', 'work', and you will talk about it tomorrow in the office. As he spoke, he pushed the second lock of the big iron door with his hand, as if he had strengthened his determination.
Later, I heard that there was a leader who knew Wei Xijun's personality, and when he learned that ×× was coming to Tuanjiehu, he expected that he might hit a wall, so he hurriedly took a car to intercept him, but unfortunately he was still a step late, and there was no mobile phone at that time. When the leader's car arrived downstairs, ×× had already stopped at the door.
At that time, although I didn't fully understand the ins and outs of the matter, I saw that the man standing in front of me was a man who acted upright and resolute. I would like to be the wife of such a man and walk with him.
That year, Wei Xijun, who did not have the position of a member of the party group and a member of the presidium of the Writers' Association, completely relaxed. He never even mentioned it again, and went about his life happily, writing wholeheartedly. He has successively completed the creation of the novels "Naked Snow", "Wine Soul Journey West", "Turtle Monument", the creation of the second part of the documentary literature "Towards Chaos", and compiled many books such as "My Black and White Life", "Morning Flowers and Sunset", "Cong Weixi's Selected Works" and so on. In addition, he also wrote a large number of essays, essays, documentaries, travelogues and other literary works.
Mr. Li Hui once wrote in an article: The advantage of being an old servant is that you can afford to take it and put it down. He is also a very fortunate writer who can write very good work.
After reading it, Mr. Chen Zhongzhong called it "a thrilling" reading: "Towards Chaos", which he couldn't breathe out of breath after closing his eyes many times, is a documentary literature in which Wei Xijun takes his personal experience as the main line and records the mental journey and life trajectory of intellectuals with the same fate as his contemporaries.
When writing this book, in order to make up for the forgetfulness that may be left by the long years, Wei Xijun did a lot of return visits and verification. In the preface to "Towards Chaos", he wrote the following words: My motto when writing this book is: do not seek to conform to fashion, but to eliminate the false and retain the true. I believe that all intellectuals who deeply love our nation and strive for it should have materialist feelings. Of course, when we look back on our tortuous history, our hearts are very heavy; It is precisely in order not to repeat the bloodshed of history that we should be more sincere in our dedication to tomorrow.
"Naked Snow" is an innocent novel. In the "Preface" of the book, he wrote: I have wanted to write this lyrical prose novel for a long time. After returning to the literary world in 1979, most of what I wrote was the sinking, destruction, struggle, and rise of intellectuals in the wind and waves. This is a gift from history, and I deserve to give it back to yesterday and to tomorrow. When I recreate these tragic songs of yesterday, critics call them "literary blowouts", and I feel like a cuckoo crying blood. Like Lao Luo, who has been burdened all the way, when he wants to find a piece of greenery to rest, I found the childhood I once had. It has no brilliance, no magnificence, but a virginity that can only be experienced once in life.
Wei Xijun values "Towards Chaos" very much, and I like "Naked Snow" very much. For a while, the two of us said: "Towards Chaos" is the son, and the son is the mountain. "Naked Snow" is a daughter, and a daughter is a river.
I always sigh that he can indeed see more than me
Wei Xijun has been a reporter, I don't know if the reporter's eyes are different from ordinary people, but I often wonder, the same scenery, the same place, the same time, I will nag when I watch, he doesn't say much, but when he writes articles with scenery and insight, I always sigh that he can indeed see more things than me.
On a windy day, he saw a red turban hanging on the tree outside the window fluttering in the wind, and he wrote "Wind Van"; When he came back from a walk, he wrote "A Roadside Chess Stand"; On a rainy day, an injured white dove landed in front of the window to rest, and there was "On a Rainy Day, There Was a White Dove ......"; He insisted on going to the barber booth on the side of the road to cut his hair a few times, and also pulled a foreigner who came to visit him to experience it, which added a small article to the "Jujing Trivia".
In the early 90s of last century, one day not long after I met him, he came to visit me at my house in Haidian. Because the bicycle fell off the chain on the road, when I rushed home, he was already sitting on the stone bench downstairs, chatting happily with the two retired veteran cadres who were sitting idle. When he saw me, his mind seemed to be wandering, as if he had forgotten the purpose of his trip. Later, based on the content of this chat, he wrote the novella "Companion Listening". Mr. Chen Guoxing, the director of Beijing Film Studio, adapted the film "Let's Talk", which also won an award at a college student film festival.
Mr. Li Guowen once said to me: "Wei Xi's prose is beautifully written. ”
Once, at the arrangement of Mr. Bai Bing, I stayed with him by the Li River. One day, we went to the riverside to see the scenery. It was a drizzly day, and there was a parrot, an umbrella, a boat, and a man by the river, and that's all I could see. I was so busy teasing the talking parrot that I didn't notice what Wei Xijun was talking about. Maybe the oarsman on the wooden boat saw that Wei Xijun was a good old man, so he told us: he was disabled since he was a child, abandoned by his parents, and it was a kind old couple who raised him as an adult.
Back in Beijing, Wei Xijun wrote a very beautiful and moving prose "Rain and Fog Li River".
Wei Xijun attaches great importance to feelings, and has written dozens of eulogies to commemorate his friends. The sincere feelings and nostalgia in the text pierce people's hearts. Just listening to the names of those reminiscence articles, it is inevitable that people will be sentimental: "Autumn Wind and Autumn Rain Sent to Achieve", "Mourning Zuguang", "Crying Gong Liu", "Offering Sun Li in the Depths of Lotus Fragrance", "Flowers Accompany You Far Away" is a sacrifice to the famine, and "Farewell, Jiangnan Xiushi" is a memory of Lu Wenfu......
"The Last Smile" was given to Mr. Lin Jinlan. I remember one afternoon in 2009, I accompanied Wei Xijun to Tongren Hospital to visit Mr. Jin Lan, who was seriously ill. That was the last time they saw each other, and Mr. Jin Lan left this world shortly after we left the hospital. Wei Xijun knew about it, and he was very sad. In his eulogy, he wrote: "I walked up and first extended a thumbs up to him, which was not only an encouragement to his courage to survive, but also a tribute to his humanistic character in the ups and downs of Chinese history for decades." Because I have known him for more than half a century, Jin Lan has never hurt literary friends. He seemed to understand what I meant, and a smile slowly appeared on his face. I shook his hand and gently shook it and said to him: 'Do you remember, in the winter of 1955, we braved the severe cold of minus 30 degrees in the Great Northern Wilderness to experience life in the Beijing Youth Reclamation Team? It's been more than half a century since today...... he blinked his eyelids, as if he understood my words, his lips trembled for a moment, and he gently spat out the word 'one'. I couldn't tell the meaning of the word 'one', but Cuckoo, who had been standing by his bedside, helped me to decipher his father's words and said, 'My father said you are friends for life!' 'My eyes are red......
At the beginning of the first anniversary of Mr. Liu Shaotang's westward journey, Wei Xijun wrote: As his best friend when he was young, when he left me, I was numb and sad, so that I could not pick up a pen and write some words to mourn him. Just imagine, two friends who have known each other for decades, experienced the ups and downs of Chinese history together, and have some different cognitions in their later years, how much is intoxicating, how sad, and how palpitating the past, and I can't bear this huge impact.
In 1988, Shaotang was admitted to Peking University Hospital due to a stroke...... When I heard the news, I immediately rushed over, held his hand tightly, leaned over to his ear and said, "Shaotang, you must be good, you must be good!" ”
He shook his head, the corners of his mouth twitching, but he couldn't speak. Tears immediately welled up in my eyes, and I shouted: "Shaotang - Shaotang - you have to hold on!" ”
Whenever I read this kind of article, whether I have seen or not seen the deceased, I always feel a little sentimental. When Wei Xijun wrote, he was inevitably moved. I tried several times to persuade him not to write such articles again, but he didn't open his mouth. Wei Xijun was very sorry to say goodbye, he wanted to send them away with words.
He was happy to listen to what his neighbors were saying
Wei Xijun in life is an easy and happy person.
Once I went to the bank to run errands, the bank staff gave me a light-sensing sunflower. This pale yellow sunflower always chases the sun to open its petals. Wei Xijun thought it was novel and fun, and kept it on his desk. When I was tired of writing, I stopped, looked at this little flower, and closed its little petals towards the sun.
He plays table tennis, and in his 70s, he often changes into a sweatshirt and a towel on his shoulder and goes to the yard to play ball with his neighbors. The little disappointments in life dissipated as the racket he wielded.
When he saw the children playing ball in the yard, he had to kick two kicks to join in the fun. Once, he actually played a game of eagle catching chickens with the children, spreading his limbs and acting like an old hen, protecting the "chickens" behind him...... The children were amused and called him "Grandpa Old Naughty". He was very proud of the title, and came upstairs to tell me, smiling and waiting for my compliment.
Usually, Wei Xijun goes downstairs twice a day to pick up newspapers and magazines, and by the way, he chats and talks with his neighbors in the yard downstairs. He is happy to listen to their high-minded conversations, and the parents are short and short, right and wrong. He said that that is the true nature of life, which sounds commonplace, and many of the truths of life are in it.
One day, Mr. Wang Bo from the General Logistics Department brought a friend who liked Wei Xijun's works to visit him. When I came that day, I was in a big traffic jam in front of our yard. The gentleman, who worked in the public security system, was afraid that it would be rude to miss the promised time, so he turned on the police lights and drove into the courtyard, but when he inquired about the house number downstairs, he was interrogated by a neighbor sitting in the courtyard. The neighbors said, "Who told you to come in a police car?" We'll have to ask before we can say it! It's okay to come and visit the old man, but if we come to arrest him, we won't agree! "Although it was funny, Wei Xijun was very moved when he found out." What a good neighbor. He said.
In life, he loves to play mahjong, drink, raise grasshoppers, like classical music, and love to listen to Peking opera.
He loves to sing and has a very good voice. At the party, I often ask to sing a song and dedicate it to family or friends. When I am interested, I don't care as an audience, I just have a good time. One day he said to me, "How about a Peking opera?" Without waiting for me to answer, he stilted his short orchid fingers, held his beer belly, and moved the lotus step lightly, "Call Zhang Sheng, you don't have to be afraid, I'll come quickly, you slowly climb ......" sang and turned in circles while walking, completely ignoring his "matchmaker" and laughing at me. I checked Baidu, and the traditional drama should be "Tell Zhang Sheng to hide under the chessboard, I will walk and you ......will climb step by step" I don't know if he forgot the words and came to his mouth, or I think that a slight change can better reflect the playfulness and cuteness of the little girl. Wei Xijun told me: When he was young and free, Shaotang would take him to Tianqiao to listen to the play. Wei Xijun still likes Cheng Pai Tsing Yi's singing voice the most, "It's sung with 'containment', like old wine." He commented.
Wei Xijun prefers classical music to folk music. Every year when the New Year's concert at the Vienna Musikverein was shown on TV, he would take me to watch it and act as a commentator.
People my age don't know much about Western music because of the timing, and when it sounds fresh, he's even more energetic. "Do you know that the violin concerto "Liang Zhu" uses pentatonic mode? Do you know why we say 'incomplete pentatonic tones, not incomplete seven'? "He sold Guan Zi, and then patiently told me that the big difference between folk music and Western music is that Western music is on the seven-note scale, and folk music is a pentatonic scale with less 4 and 7." That is, Western music is 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, and folk music is 1, 2, 3, 5, 6. While humming and demonstrating to me, he said, "Although Liang Zhu uses Western instruments, it is a pentatonic mode because it is a folk music. "He also told me that when he was a student at Beijing Normal School, he found that he had a lot of musical cells." If it weren't for the fact that my hands were too small to cut the tiger's mouth, I wouldn't have been able to play the piano as soon as I graduated. That's one less writer, one more pianist. He said with regret.
The music world that Wei Xijun inadvertently opened up for me, Yin Ziyan Hong, accompanied me through many days and months after he left me.
Thankfully, there's music, I often think.
This "trance" will always be with me
Once, I accompanied him to the Union Hospital to prescribe medicine. After the doctor finished prescribing it, he went to smoke outside the gate and waited for me to line up to pick up the medicine. When I walked out of the clinic hall, I saw him holding a toy-like electronic watch in his hand and looking at me with some embarrassment.
"Where did you pick up this broken watch?" I asked. "It was given by a young man......" he replied. Why? "I'm weird." I gave him 200 bucks......"
It turned out that a young man told him that because he took his mother to see a doctor, the money was spent, there was no travel expenses, and he couldn't go home, so he wanted to exchange this watch for 200 yuan to buy a ticket.
"Liar, don't you know? Now this kind of deception is not new! "Perhaps......" he said with a bit of a sneer, "what if it's true?" "If it's true, you still want his dirty watch?" I say. "He must give it to me, if I don't take it, will it hurt his self-esteem......"
The liar's self-esteem also needs him to be maintained, does this person still have any principles, and he is still a writer!
But he doesn't have a long memory. I had a cold and fever, and I had to go to the community hospital every day for injections. On his way to get an injection, a woman stopped him and offered him a piece of a scarf made of fox skin. So, he stopped getting needles and went home and bought a scarf for 600 yuan. When I got home from work, he happily took it and said it was for me. Don't say I never wanted this kind of thing, I just like it, and I won't like this bald fox. He saw that I was not interested at all, and he wanted to transfer it to a relative who was going abroad. "I heard it was cold there," he said. The relative laughed and said, "If I go to Canada wearing this scarf, the animal protectionists won't pour paint on me!" ”
Thank you Wei Xijun for marrying me, I have no regrets about being his wife.
Now, it has been five summers and summers since Wei Xijun left me. When time settles down the pain and hardship little by little, we have the ability to recall the past. But I'm still in a trance: Wei Xijun just went downstairs to get newspapers and magazines...... Or did he just come in my dreams? I know that this "trance" will always be with me until the end of my life.
Here, I would like to thank all the relatives and friends who have helped me and Wei Xijun, thank you to the readers who like Wei Xijun's articles, thank you for your love!
Beijing, April 22, 2024
Source: Beijing Youth Daily, June 27, 2024, page B01
Typesetting: Xiao Yao
Editor: Liu Ya
Second trial: Zhang Junping
Third trial: Wang Yang