Text: Marriage counselor Liu Jie
Do you feel wronged in your marriage?
The answer that many women give me is: grievances.
And the point of grievance usually focuses on one thing: the husband doesn't take her seriously.
For example, when you come back from work, you talk to your husband with great interest, but people ignore you and think you talk too much.
For another example, obviously he did something wrong, and you just said a word, and he scolded you back, and said that he was like that, and you can't control it.
Such details of life make women more and more aggrieved the more they live, and they can't feel the love of men and the warmth of family at all.
I often tell my students that we need to have a "solution mindset" when dealing with marriage problems.
It's okay to complain, but after complaining, we must think about the "why" and "how".
If men don't take you seriously, it must not be for nothing, there is always some reason behind it.
And the answer I gave you may be a bit heart-wrenching, but it is true:
A man's wanton behavior and not taking you into account are many times what you taught him and caused by yourself.
01
You always run after the man
Some women are not assertive, no matter what happens, they dare not make decisions, and they can't make decisions.
Maybe it has something to do with her experience when she was a child, she was taken care of so well from childhood to adulthood, and someone made decisions for her about big and small things.
Gradually, her brain will be in a "dormant state", accustomed to being decided, and never using her brain.
After getting married, this habit is carried into marriage.
In the past, I listened to my parents at home and waited for my parents' decisions and arrangements. Now listen to your husband, let your husband decide everything, and just do it obediently.
Maybe at the beginning, if you are obedient and obedient, men will like it very much. In his eyes, you are beautiful, reasonable, gentle and lovely.
But after a long time, you have no opinions, and you have to rely on him for everything, and he will be tired and annoyed.
It's not that men have become bad, but now that life is so stressful, you don't even have the ability to be independent, and anyone will feel tired.
When he feels tired and annoyed, he may dislike you, and slowly begin to ignore you and not take you seriously.
And the origin of all this is because you put yourself in the position of "passive acceptance", willing to submit to the man and let him be your commander.
You treat yourself as air, you don't need to use your brain, just be obedient, and the man will treat you as air.
02
You're always trying to please men
In marriage, some women take the initiative to put themselves on the humble side and please men everywhere.
There are actually many reasons behind this.
For example, growing up in a patriarchal family, I haven't been loved much since I was a child, and I am very lacking in love.
Or, since childhood, the family conditions are not good, and the life of being stretched thin, involuntarily becomes very inferior.
What's more, the man's conditions are too good, much higher than himself, and he feels humble in front of him.
These reasons will make women become a pleasing character. desperately tried his best to please each other, just hoping to get his affirmation and love from the other party.
Such a woman, she can't see her own excellence. Think that you don't deserve to be loved, and you can only get the love you want by pleasing yourself.
If you don't get it, you will feel that you are not doing it well, and then you will work harder to please you.
But this kind of flattering gesture, when placed in married life, will make the relationship between husband and wife unbalanced.
It's as if one is begging and the other is giving alms from above.
You can't help but put the man in a very high position, while you yourself are prostrate at his feet.
This kind of unequal status, once you get used to it, men will naturally look down on you more and more.
03
You don't have a bottom line yourself
What's the bottom line? Sometimes, it's the "dividing line" where a person can hurt you.
If you don't draw this line clearly, draw it obviously, or even keep pulling back, it is tantamount to giving others the opportunity to hurt you.
It's the same in an intimate relationship, if you allow the other person to trample on your bottom line, he will hurt you mercilessly.
For example, if a man has an ambiguous conversation with another person of the opposite sex, this must be a violation of the bottom line.
But if you easily forgive, or take the initiative to withdraw your bottom line.
Tell yourself that they're just chatting and it's okay.
This kind of behavior of yours is actually conniving at men in disguise. When a man sees that your bottom line can keep retreating, then he dares to go further.
If he dares to chat with the opposite sex today, then he will dare to talk to others another day, and something else will happen.
If you are in marriage, you have no sense of bottom line and tolerate everywhere. or repeatedly lower your bottom line, then in the eyes of a man, you are a good bully, how can he take you seriously.
Let me tell you a very vivid analogy: "The bottom line is like a woman's face, if you don't want it yourself, of course a man won't give it to you." ”
So you see, if you are not assertive, and you love to please, and you don't have a bottom line, then the man will definitely not take you seriously.
If the marriage is like this, what should a woman do?
We can consciously make adjustments, make our own decisions when we encounter things, and reduce our dependence on men. Stop currying favor and replan your bottom line.
Step by step, slowly regain your position in marriage, it is possible to regain the respect of men.
If you also encounter this situation and don't know what to do, you can come to me and I will help you~