Text: Marriage counselor Liu Jie
Many readers have asked me, how can I have a good marriage? How can I stay with my partner for a long time?
To be honest, this is a very big topic, and if you talk about it in detail, there may be a lot of content, and I'm afraid I can't finish dozens of articles.
If that's the case, just looking at it can make people feel dizzy.
Aside from the details, from my experience of working with so many marriage cases, there is actually one key point.
As long as we can handle it well, then the marriage will basically not have problems, and we can go all the way down.
01
Differences are the fuse of contradictions
When two people live together, there will inevitably be disagreements, which is a normal thing.
However, if there is a disagreement between two people, how to resolve it will affect the next relationship, including feelings.
Let's take a simple example.
On weekends, the wife wants to go shopping and watch movies, but the husband wants to go to the countryside to see the flowers. There was a disagreement between the two people, each with its own reasoning and expectations.
My wife said, I've been looking forward to that film for a long time, and if I don't watch it, it will be offline.
But my husband said that I had been working overtime all week and really didn't want to stay in the house, so I wanted to go outside and look at the greenery.
The two of them argued, and they both felt that the other party didn't understand them, so they quarreled while talking.
It was supposed to be a good weekend, but it was just a bath. Because of the quarrel, they all had a fire in their bellies, and they fought coldly for a week, and no one paid attention to anyone.
My wife thought that he didn't understand me at all, he knew that he was working overtime every day, and he didn't accompany me when he finally had a holiday.
My husband is also thinking that I work so hard, she doesn't understand me, forget it, and make trouble.
Both of them felt very wronged, but they didn't talk about it, and they were even more unwilling to compromise. Just because of where they were going on the weekend, such a trivial matter, they were deeply dissatisfied with each other.
If this dissatisfaction continues to accumulate in their lives, one can imagine how much it will affect the feelings.
But in fact, such a scene is playing out in the married life of each of us.
Many times, it is because of a small matter that we have a disagreement with each other, but we do not deal with it properly. Or solve it by quarrelling, which eventually becomes a hidden danger that hurts the relationship between husband and wife.
Perhaps, after the two quarreled, they would soon be reconciled. I also feel that it's not worth it for such a trivial matter.
But in fact, this is only a temporary concession and does not really solve the problem. The next time we encounter a disagreement, we may continue to argue.
Therefore, if we want to make the marriage relationship last, "resolving differences" is our essential ability.
02
Let's not underestimate every disagreement, if it can't be resolved, it will become a contradiction.
And these seemingly inconsequential contradictions, accumulated one by one, can often tear apart the feelings of husband and wife.
So, when we encounter disagreements, how do we resolve them?
First, acknowledge the existence of differences.
This is adjusting our cognition, you have to understand that no matter how good the relationship between husband and wife is, they are also independent, two completely different individuals.
If you want two people to think exactly the same, including preferences, it's impossible.
Therefore, you have to allow the other party to think differently from you, and you also have to allow that what you like, or what you expect, the other party is not interested in at all, and is not even willing to accompany you to do it.
This is actually normal, there are thousands of people, and you have to allow the other person to be different from you.
Seeing this clearly, we need to adjust our mindset.
When the other person thinks differently than you, puts forward a different opinion, or what you want to do, the other person does not support it.
At this time, you should be clear that the other party is just expressing a difference from you, which does not mean that he does not care about you.
If you raise the problem to the point of whether he loves you or not, it is too serious.
Second, communicate well and discuss a mutually acceptable plan.
Now that we know, the other person can't be exactly what we think. Then at this time, we need to sit down and communicate well.
Let's take the example I just mentioned, the wife wants to go to the movies, and the husband wants to go to the suburbs, how to communicate at this time.
We can refer to the principle of "urgency", which means that which one is more urgent, we will give priority to whichever one is more urgent.
For example, the movie will be offline after it is released this week, but the flowers in the suburbs have just bloomed, and it is not too late to go next week.
Then we can consider accompanying our wife to the movies this week, and at the same time reaching a consensus to accompany our husband to the countryside next weekend to see flowers.
Such a plan can take into account the needs of two people, and there will be no conflict, and everyone will be happy.
When there is a disagreement between husband and wife, we can all consider resolving it in this way.
03
Objectively speaking, in daily married life, there are not so many things that really touch the bottom line. More than that, it's just some of the trivial things in life.
When there is a disagreement on these trivial matters, don't take it seriously, but solve it seriously.
As long as the principle of "negotiating a mutually acceptable solution" can be adhered to, in fact, most differences can be resolved.
The key is that we must be patient and control our emotions.
Don't get emotional as soon as there is a disagreement, stubbornly insist on arguing with the other person about right and wrong, or insist on getting the other person to agree with you.
Doing so will only allow differences to evolve into irreconcilable contradictions.
Just imagine, if we can properly handle every disagreement, so that there are not so many conflicts between two people.
Moreover, we also know how to accommodate each other, satisfy each other, accompany each other, and do what each other likes. Such a relationship, of course, will become more and more intimate, how can there be a rift?