"Fearlessness is not really not fear, it is that although we are afraid, we still face it bravely, to meet it, to face it." At the end of February in Taipei, in the light rain and the reception room of seed music, Xie Zhenting was interviewed by Nandu, he picked up the guitar and stirred the strings from time to time to ease the tension in the air.
The guitar has also eased many of the uneasiness in his life. "Super Walk of Fame" became a hit, young fame, Xie Zhenting was hated and bullied by his classmates, he held a guitar and hid in the corner of the school to write songs; when he first entered the society, the company boss thought that he looked mediocre, pointing out that he was not suitable for debut, Xie Zhenting held the guitar to hone his skills. But the cruelty of reality does not stop there, the father's domestic violence, the family is broken, and he breaks into Taipei alone... In the harsh reality, he suffered from depression.
The best newcomer of the 2016 Golden Melody Awards is Xie Zhenting's second peak of fame, and he hid in the toilet that night, panicked and thought wildly, and the next day he fell down the stairs at home, he pushed away all work offers, and success in the eyes of others once again became a burden on him.
Behind the most high-profile appearance is the tragic reality of life, and then encountered his mother's cancer, the pain seems to follow, but he is also blessed by misfortune, Xie Zhenting's broken relationship with his mother, due to illness and pain can be repaired.
"The essence of love is pain." New album Alice Where Are We Going? " is to convey such a message, he condenses the pain of the past into music, and uses his song to explore himself and find love. "The happiness and happiness we get are actually all pain, from our whole life, the baby is spanked and the cry begins, it is pain, the mother is also painful, growing up is after experiencing pain to become stronger, so I think the essence of love is pain." 」 Alice Where Are We Going? "" was selected by many media as the excellent Chinese album of 2018, and the extremely tense music and the lyrics intertwined with blood and tears are the reasons why it stands out.
PART1
After the millennium, broken homes
"The story comes to the door of the home after the millennium
She spoke in the tone of the setting sun
The twilight in his eyes
The woman laughed with tears in her eyes
She lay on the tile floor
With doubts in hand..."
This scene in the title song "Alice 1993" is Xie Zhenting's childhood memory, and the woman lying on the ground is her mother. The father's affair and violence against his mother left the family torn apart, and eventually when Xie Zhenting was 13 years old, his parents chose to divorce, and Xie Zhenting lived with his mother. The first half of the album is about the family relationship in his eyes.
Until now, Xie Zhenting still occasionally felt vaguely guilty, thinking that he had made this home disappear. In 2007, the Taichung teenager who sang adult pop songs in the singing competition "Super Walk of Fame" will become a star after passing the level. The father's concept is traditional, hoping that Xie Zhenting will continue to study seriously and not take the road of acting; the mother is open-minded and feels that the child likes and is happy, so she may wish to continue singing. The parents' feelings have been separated for a long time, and finally they have broken out through the disagreement over Xie Zhenting's life plan.
My father was a policeman, and whenever he committed violence against his mother, it was useless to call the police, "because they would protect each other." Xie Zhenting now sees the lyrics, still like a knife, "At that time, I couldn't understand why I had to use violence to solve these things." ”
The program promoted the popularity of Xie Zhenting, a class cadre who was originally in front of the love of things, and completely became a campus celebrity. Fame brought happiness, out of the classroom, the two students in the corridor passed the corner, but specially returned to see Xie Zhenting, followed by screaming, "I found that my world is different." "At the end of each class, there is a long line outside the class, waiting for his autograph, waiting to take a picture with him." It was a very important thing that affected my personality so much... At first, do you think, am I a star? But with that comes, as strong the light is, how deep the shadow is. ”
Xie Zhenting found that his relationship with the school's discipline office and the principal suddenly became very good, the school would introduce him to perform, and he also acted as an "enrollment tool", "I think everything is not so simple." ”
PART2
Overnight fame, encountered school bullying
As a class cadre, Xie Zhenting often ran to the training office to hand over documents, and in the teacher-student contact book, he found that his good friend saw himself as a different look, and this friend complained to the teacher, saying that Xie Zhenting was proud and arrogant. "I was dumbfounded to see him talk to the teacher, he ostensibly called me a brother, we played basketball together, after school together, where to play together like this." But in fact he was a completely different person, and we were only 13 years old at the time. Looking back on that year, Xie Zhenting felt that it was jealousy that made his friends hypocritical, but this incident hit him deeply, "I began to be wary of human nature." ”
Back at home, Xie Zhenting decided to confront his good friend face to face and confess the matter. As a result, the friend was also embarrassed and angry, and began to attack Xie Zhenting, xie Zhenting cried sadly, "crazy crying, crazy crying, crying until nosebleeds, chest tightness and nosebleeds, very uncomfortable, at that time I first tasted betrayal was this feeling, from that time to people are more wary." ”
The happiness on the stage did not continue into life, being followed, bicycles were destroyed, inexplicably excluded, and the bullying suffered became more and more frequent, and the aura became a stumbling block for Xie Zhenting. The school's leader pulled him to the junkyard and asked: I heard you are very arrogant! Xie Zhenting responded: No, no, don't be affected by those gossip or anything. He had to use a humble and condescending way to show his goodwill to survive, to be the little brother of the domineering figures on campus, who were vain and ostentatious because they knew Xie Zhenting, and Xie Zhenting also changed back to a moment of Ansheng.
He began to fear the crowd and often went out wearing a mask. "You're not doing bad things, so why are you hiding?" Why can't we be more open-ended? "The mother did not understand her son's behavior, and he asked his mother for help, but he did not get an answer." For a child, I look back now, that shock was very huge, I was originally a very innocent and lively person, a lot of words, very fond of the present, and then the whole personality changed, the whole personality became very, very introverted. ”
He begged his mother to buy him a guitar, vented his emotions in music, encountered the school life and the broken family, Xie Zhenting hid in the corner of the school to play guitar, write songs, is in the voice change period, even if he becomes unable to sing, "then make music, just play the piano, because I like music, not only singing." ”
PART3
Flashes of light, shining crystals are tears
The helplessness of his youth was written into the new song "Little Star", the climactic paragraph, Xie Zhenting hysterically sang the nursery rhyme "Little Star", and there was no cry of home, which made people cry.
Because of his personal experience, Xie Zhenting participated in the family support foundation charity concert that focuses on vulnerable children, to contact children like himself who are not happy in their original families, watching the children who sang and danced in the concert, he felt that he could share his story experience with the children, or music knowledge, and express his love in the way he was good at. In March 2017, on his way back to Taipei after ending the cooperation of the Family Support Foundation, Xie Zhenting wrote lyrics in a mobile phone memo———
"Dear Dad Dear Mom
Can you give me a home back?"
The past struck my heart, tears filled my eyes, my eyes were blurred, "I saw a lot of little stars", so the English name of this song was "T ears" (tears). Naïve nursery rhymes have some cruelty in Xie Zhenting's eyes, one without eyes and one without tail in "Two Tigers", either losing balance or losing the light, and there are also many cruel interpretations behind "Sister Carrying Dolls". Back at home, Xie Zhenting played the guitar and sang the words in his mobile phone, and sang "a flash and a shining crystal" in passing.
Since the age of 16, Xie Zhenting began to live independently, struggling alone all the way, and it was also at that time that the idea of light life sprouted in his heart. When her mother heard the song "Little Star", she was initially rejected, and she felt that as a mother, she had neglected her duty in Xie Zhenting's growth.
A young star who has not yet fully developed, but always has to deal with the unbearable adult world, at that time the company directly told Xie Zhenting that his appearance was not suitable for debut. Not appreciated by his boss, Xie Zhenting followed producer Wang Zhiping, dabbling in composition, arranging, and producing, learning music from a broader perspective. Xie Zhenting polished his guitar skills, practiced a difficult song in a short period of time, with Jo h n Ma y e r's "N eon" amazing return, Wang Zhiping was also full of praise, to the musical instrument line test, the clerk will take out the treasure of the town store to play him, but "my boss does not pay the bill, he cares about K PI, he cares about money and your looks, but I am not an idol." ”
PART4
Run away from home and break out of a Golden Melody Award
At the age of 18, Xie Zhenting, who left his former company, met his second Bole, Cai Zhengxun, whose composition masterpieces were Eason Chan's "Your Backpack" and Lin Junjie's "Jiangnan". Cai Zhengxun invited Xie Zhenting to join his music studio in Taipei, and after careful consideration, Xie Zhenting chose to go north, but was opposed by his mother's family.
"I insisted on going to Taipei despite my mother's family's objections, but I had no relatives or friends in Taipei, and after many years, I found that I had always been the spiritual pillar of my mother, and when I left my mother, at the age of eighteen or nineteen, she lost her spiritual pillar, so her life began to become out of focus." 」 Until now, after six or seven years, Xie Zhenting blamed himself for not taking care of his mother.
Growing up fed up with the pain of his family, Xie Zhenting was bent on leaving this sad place, and at first he wanted to spell out some results in Taipei and then go back to prove it to his family. But gathering less and leaving more, the outside world reshaped the young Xie Zhenting, back to the countryside, he found that even the vocabulary and logic, began to have a generation gap with his mother, and even a little strange, "When I saw my mother like this, I was impatient at the time, I said why my mother thought like this, but later, I learned that my mother was very helpless at that time." ”
Working alone in Taipei, Hsieh suffered from depression. Mentally ill, he made the Charlie Progress Reports, which won the Golden Melody Award for Best Newcomer. The album is inspired by the American science fiction novel "Bouquet for Alginon", the protagonist Charlie, who has an intellectual disability, suddenly becomes a genius after surgery, but returns to his original state due to side effects. The fame and fortune that followed the Golden Melody Awards had a strong conflict with Xie Zhenting's heart.
Although many problems are temporarily unsolvable, the struggle with depression continues, and negative thoughts arise from time to time, but Xie Zhenting takes his medicine on time, looks at his mother and girlfriend, and the people he wants to protect, and the thoughts will also be dissolved.
PART5
Blessed by misfortune, he exchanged diaries with his mother
In the middle of last year, Xie Zhenting's mother was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer, and he took her to Taipei for treatment. Mother and child were also blessed by misfortune, and the relationship went from being strange to mutually exclusive, and finally repaired as before.
Xie Zhenting remembers that his mother began to drink heavily when she was abused by her father, and would beat him when she was drunk, but her mother did not remember these things after she woke up. Xie Zhenting could not understand this, and the mother and son took the opportunity of their mother's hospitalization to open their hearts and exchange diaries.
When I first arrived in Taipei, my mother was not used to living, so Xie Zhenting proposed the exchange of diaries, and her mother felt numb, at first she refused, but also began to write some experiences: Taipei is really wet and cold, I really don't want to live in Taipei... Gradually, I have spoken more and more, and now I can write two full pages of my day's experience. The two women have written two copies in the same notebook, and the third one has been replaced by a large notebook. A diary of his mother, picked up by Xie Zhenting, was used in the opening part of the album "Sleepwalking Advanced", and the female voice came from his girlfriend Zhang Yu.
The album title "Alice" is also a character from Daniel Keyes' novel Bouquet for Alginon, kind and beautiful. Xie Zhenting also has her own Alice in her heart: "The mother gave up her original dream, sacrificed her youth for the sake of the child, she made an Alice in my mind, a selfless dedication to sacrifice herself, for the sake of the overall situation, this is my definition of Alice in my heart, so my record will be called 'Alice'." ”
His mother gave birth to Xie Zhenting at the age of 19, and he felt that his mother's entire twenty-year-old years had been dedicated to himself, "She was my teacher, she taught me how to be independent, how to be strong when I was bullied at school, how to fight back, how to protect myself." ”
Xie Zhenting, who insisted on running away from home, now has a strong desire to form his own home. Alice Where Are We Going? is a continuation of the novel character Charlie, continuing to use the novel as an inspirational muse, and Xie Zhenting also commemorates the author Daniel Keyes. "The album is Charlie, who knows the world, knowing that the reality is not as beautiful as we imagined when we were children, and most of the time, the real world is very cruel and dark." 」
"Alice" also refers to the little girl in the fairy tale Wonderland, Xie Zhenting deliberately asked the designer to design the album cover into a colorful picture, "You think this is a fairy tale, you think these children's songs are happy songs, no, they are not happy, they are cruel." 」 ”
The darkness in life lingers, and the unknown people and things still create fear, but Xie Zhenting found the answer, and in the last song "The Place Where You Want to Go" in which the last hue finally brightens, the place you want to go to the most is home.
His way of dealing with depression
"My method is to travel, read, or write a song, write it out, like a faucet, at the beginning of the tap, it may be spewing dirty water, and then keep writing, keep spraying, these songs are some very dirty water, but after it flows it will start to flow clean water, that is a good song, you can listen to everyone." 」 This is Xie Zhenting's way to relieve depression.
Q&A
In the song "Rabbit Hole", Xie Zhenting searched for answers to five questions, and we asked him the same question.
Q: Do you like your current self?
Hsieh: I like my current self, especially after Alice Where Are We G oing? After this record, I repaired my relationship with my mother and my current partner, I knew better what love is, the nature of love or the concept of home, re-repaired and made up for a home, and after making this record, I felt as if I had become stronger.
Q: What do you think is the meaning of your existence?
Xie Zhenting: This is a lifelong problem. When fame and fortune made me panic and confused, I chose to quiet down, and I was fortunate to start contact with some charities and public welfare organizations, doing these things is the proof of my life, which is a very important element that constitutes Xie Zhenting, and I have found the meaning of my existence.
Q: Do you feel free?
Xie Zhenting: I think my state of mind is free now, but my reality is like the economy, or my mother is still struggling with her illness, I am still struggling with my illness, and my partner's new career is unknown, I want to do public welfare, but I don't have enough money, I can't do it well, so I have to make money... I am not free on these practical levels. But I think I'm free in my mind, especially in music.
Q: What is your dream?
Xie Zhenting: My dream sounds stupid, but I think it's okay to be stupid, my dream is to change the world. Although my current abilities are very limited and my influence may not be very large, I seem to be changing the world at a time when I am slowly helping my family, patients, and people in need little by little. In fact, I got more in return, they let me reconstruct a new world that belonged to me and them. My understanding of the world and my understanding of myself is a little deeper, and when I know myself and explore myself more deeply, I am actually closer to this world. So my dream is being fulfilled.
Q: Where do you most want to go?
Xie Zhenting: The place I most want to go to is home. Because when I was 13, my parents divorced. So the place I want to go to now is a home, I took my mother to live in Taipei, I have an 11-year-old younger brother, he is still in Chiayi, Taiwan, is a basketball player on the school team, playing well. After that, he will also take his brother to Taipei to live. That's what I'm working on right now, and I want to re-architect this home.
Written by: Nandu reporter Ma Le