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In my contact with my parents, I found a phenomenon:
Many mothers know the importance of empathy through learning, and try to use it, but often with little effect.
Many mothers said: I also empathize, but it doesn't work, the child is still crying, tossing and turning for half a day, or the old way - roaring to solve.
Why isn't empathy useful?
It is because many mothers regard empathy as a kind of talk, a routine, thinking that as long as they use it, they can solve the problem.
If the original intention is wrong, the subsequent actions will inevitably be deformed.
For example, many mothers "empathize" in this way.
1. Empathy + but
"I know, because..., you're angry, but..."
The empathy here is just a false shot, the focus is on "but", often followed by a series of big truths.
A few times down, the child will be very resistant to the mother's empathy: I don't listen to me, I don't listen!
Although he couldn't say anything, he could feel that this was just a new routine for his mother.
And my mother would think: You see, I also empathize, but it is useless.
2. Empathy + Stop
"I know, because..., you're sad, well, Mom knows, don't cry."
The empathy here becomes a means to stop the child's emotions: I have already empathized with you, you should not have emotions... How can you still have emotions? ...... Are you finished? ...... You have to make me yell at you, right?
Mom would think: empathy is useless, it won't solve the problem at all, it still depends on yelling.
3. Empathy +...
"I know, because..., you're angry,......"
Speaking of this, my mother has no words in her heart, while saying, while searching her stomach and thinking about how to say the next sentence - the book only talks about empathy, I empathy, what should I do after the end of empathy?
I don't know.
In this way, it is inevitable to return to the old routine: reasoning, giving advice, stopping emotions...
Mom thinks: Empathy is useless.
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My experience is that the reason why empathy is useless is because you have a fake relationship.
Why fake empathy? There are two reasons for this.
One is cognitively wrong.
Many mothers always believe that negative emotions are bad and need to be solved quickly, so they use empathy as a means to expel negative emotions.
True empathy is based on respect for emotions.
You accept that the child can have negative emotions, do not rush to solve the problem, but are willing to accompany the child to stay with the negative emotions for a while and guide him to express emotions.
And emotions are so magical—
The more you try to suppress it, to deny it, the more it expands to the point that you can't ignore it.
The more you see it, express it, and be willing to stay with it for a while, it will lose its power and disappear.
Therefore, if the foundation of cognition is wrong, the subsequent practices will be deformed - because your heart is irritable and intolerant of negative emotions.
No matter how standard the language is, it is just a disguised routine.
The child will feel that the mother does not really see herself.
3
Second, in false empathy, there is a lack of "affection".
Empathy, the key is a "love" word.
Do you really use the "heart" to experience the child's emotions? Do your emotions echo your child's emotions?
When your emotions are in place, even if you are not speaking standard words, it is also a good empathy.
I often tell my mothers in counseling not to apply formulas in a serious way, but to empathize with emotion, tone, and vividness.
Compare these two kinds of empathy:
The child is criticized by the teacher, and you say—
"Child, your mother knows that the teacher criticizes you, and you are very angry."
How could the teacher say that in front of the whole class? This is too faceless! Were you particularly angry and aggrieved? ”
If you are a child, which one do you think speaks more to your heart?
There are also times when language is not so important, what matters is your actions.
When Orange was a child, if he bumped, even if it was just a little skin, as long as he called me, I would carefully examine the "injury": I see, where did the bump go? Does it hurt? Oh, it's a bit bumpy here...
This emphasis itself, which is empathy, is telling the child: I see, I know that you are in some pain now.
Some mothers may wonder: Will this make the child squeamish?
My feeling is that if parents show concern and emotional stability, do not make a fuss, and do not criticize and reprimand, the child's emotions will also be very stable, and this matter will soon turn over.
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When we are fully empathetic, the child's emotional tide will subside, revealing the land of rationality, at this time, we can walk on it, and we will not be wrapped up in the wave of emotions.
Or the above example, the teacher criticizes the child in public, and when the child is in the mood, he will feel that he is too wronged, and the teacher is too hateful.
When emotions subside, we guide the child to see that standing in the teacher's position, the teacher also needs to be seen and respected. And, if similar problems arise again, how can we deal with them more intelligently.
Without the step of empathy, reason will be contaminated by emotions, and problems cannot be viewed objectively, calmly, and flexibly.
This is the role of empathy.
Even, many times, when we achieve empathy, the problem naturally dissolves.
Because the underlying psychological needs of children are to be seen and recognized, the so-called "problem" is just an expression of not being recognized.
A mother who came to do counseling said such a thing.
The daughter loves to scream when she is angry, the decibel is super high, the scream hurts, how to persuade how to roar does not work, until she herself is tired of calling. Mom was upset about this.
One night, when my daughter was playing the piano, she was pressed to her finger by the piano cover, and it was another scream. The mother was helping her daughter to do handicrafts at the other end of the room, when she heard her screams, her head grew again in an instant, and she quickly ran to see it.
In the past, she would blurt out: "If you are not careful, who can you blame?" If you don't want to practice, don't practice! ”
This time, through counseling, Mom changed the way she coped.
She took her daughter in her arms and said, "Oh, isn't it particularly painful to pinch your fingers with such a heavy piano lid?" ”
The daughter said, "Yeah, you see your fingers are blue (actually the color I dyed when I wrote before)." ”
The mother stroked her daughter's fingers: "You see, the fingers are a little swollen here, and there may be some internal bleeding." ”
In this way, while holding the child and talking, within a minute, the daughter wanted to break free of her arms: "Mom, how is your handwork done?" "Saying that, I ran over to see the handiwork - everything was back to calm.
Mom was surprised in her heart: it was all right so soon?
From this, the mother realized the true meaning of empathy, learned to see the tricks, and in just a few days, the daughter underwent a big reversal, from a grumpy little demon to a cute and sensible little fairy.
You see, sometimes, the child just wants to be seen through the "problem", and when we empathize and fully "see" the child, the so-called problem will naturally dissolve.
That's the magic of empathy.
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To summarize:
You feel that empathy is useless, not the fault of empathy, but that you are not doing true empathy.
True empathy is not just a set of words, a means, it requires cognitive adjustment, emotional connection, and needs to be experienced with the heart.
When your cognition is in place and your emotions are in place, your language, tone, expression, action, every detail will reveal this sentence:
Child, I understand you.
This kind of empathy is not only a key to the parent-child relationship, but also a elixir for daily interpersonal relationships.
Because everyone wants to be seen.
Author: Ling Xiang: Orange Mother, a national second-level psychological counselor, focuses on the mental health of children and adolescents, helps tens of millions of parents build a better parent-child relationship, and is the author of "Psychology That Good Mothers Understand".