Backstage often see such a question:
"KY Jun, (omit the fan story here) Can you help me see if this relationship is normal?" Am I right to choose this relationship? ”
"Little sister, can you tell me what kind of intimacy is worth it?"
"How do you know if you should continue in a relationship that you are not very happy with?"
"Everybody says he doesn't love me. But I don't think so... Am I incurable? Should I listen to my friends? ”
Every time I face such a problem, I feel that I don't know where to start. Many people seem to think that there is a unique, unified standard for love, and everyone has to pursue to meet that standard. When there are times when our love deviates from the mainstream standards, we feel panic and anxiety.
But in fact, there are thousands of good loves in the world. Not every intimate relationship has the same goal.
At different stages of life, we will seek different things from intimate relationships, which is in line with the law of human development. The uniqueness of each individual determines that different people have different needs for intimacy and love in different situations.
Today we have specially invited a few friends who have experienced a lot of representatives to help you understand that in fact, two loves that sometimes look very different may be good.
Strauss, female, middle management of a consulting firm
I started dating late, the year I was 21. I belong to a very late bloomer in terms of feelings. In middle school, I seemed to have heard that my classmates had early love, and I also heard my girlfriend talk about my crush, but I didn't seem to have opened up myself, and I may have enjoyed my studies and life too much.
Dating at 21 wasn't because I liked anyone. It was because I became interested in the topic of "love" itself. At that time, my third year of college seemed to have finally ushered in a late adolescence, and it seemed that I had finally raised my head from my own world and began to have a strong interest in many things in the outside world.
Dating different people, to me at the time, was like an anthropological field ethnographic study. Through dating, I learn about their different life stories and listen to their outlook on life and worldview. Soon after, I joined the school's exchange program, studied abroad, and also had the opportunity to date people from different cultural backgrounds and different ages.
For the first few years, my relationship with my date was not deep, limited to eating, walking, and chatting. On the one hand, I comb through my own ideas by understanding the ideas of different people; at the same time, I also explore what qualities I am attracted to and what kind of people I am more comfortable with.
At the age of 25, I had my first love and had my first serious and deep love. Then I talked about 3 completely different relationships. Every relationship tells me more about myself. People talk about love more and will find that in fact, you may not know much about yourself - what you think you will like may not really be what you like.
Last year, I finally got married to my fifth boyfriend.
I don't feel like I'm getting married late at all – through my own experience, I feel that for young people in China, it's best not to get married before the age of 30. We don't really know much about our own views of love, our preferences and needs in love, and what we can't tolerate in relationships.
In addition, falling in love is also an exercise. It must not be easy for two people to be together for a long time. You will slowly learn which things are better to deal with, such as whether to look at the other party's mobile phone, whether to ask for seconds, what to do if you are unhappy, what to do when you are not satisfied with the other party, etc. Everyone's suitable way of handling is different.
Everything is said that a practice makes perfect, and the same is true for falling in love. For a very rational person like me, it is only after full exploration, trial and error, learning and practice that I have the confidence to enter marriage.
So I want to say to my young KY friends that maybe the love problem you are facing now is a process of exploring yourself and the world, and it is not only not a problem, but exactly what you need at this stage.
The outcome really doesn't matter, and for those of us who believe in a once-in-a-lifetime marriage, there is only one that will eventually succeed, and all of them are doomed to fail before. We don't need to associate love with the development of marriage too early. Enjoy the process of exploration, which is the best love at this stage.
Matt, male, entrepreneur
I was 24 when I was with her and 30 when I broke up. At that time, my friends said she didn't deserve me.
She's the kind of girl who puts it on the internet and gets sprayed at me as an ATM. More indifferent to herself, can not be said to be deliberately selfish, but because of family reasons, she is used to always focusing on herself, has not learned how to feel the feelings of others, nor has she learned to care about others.
But I was really willing. Sometimes I even feel that love has nothing to do with who the other person is. What matters is the script and setting in my own mind, the thing that I am willing to believe in. For example, when I was there, I just set up the idea of meeting this person at that time and in that way, and then she just happened to meet.
In my script, I am a setting that will love this girl very much. It's the love I want myself. If it weren't for the fact that this was what I wanted myself, she wouldn't have been able to affect me at all.
At the beginning, I was doing business in a company, the basic salary was not high, and I desperately tried to do performance. The performance done was spent on her. But she won't show satisfaction and will always ask me for higher. If you buy twenty thousand gifts, you will buy fifty thousand, and then one hundred thousand, two hundred thousand.
But this request of her also just satisfies my premise – I just want to be a man who strives to support his wife. Because of her constant "flogging" and the fact that she eventually felt that there was no way for my income to really give her the life she wanted. I realized that the kind of life she wanted required a leap in my economic class, not a higher performance in the way she is now.
So when I was 29 years old, I quit my job and did it myself. Although she left me at the age of 30, my company slowly got up. Perhaps, this love is to force me, let me at the best age of youth, grit my teeth and work hard.
I now have a very good girlfriend, and I set up my own person, or to try to meet all her requirements, and give her a home that can shelter her from the wind and rain. This kind of me is what I like to love. And now I have more power to achieve this than when I was 25 years old.
I don't regret loving, and if it wasn't for the devoted love at that time, I wouldn't have been able to force myself to this extent, and I wouldn't have achieved what I have today. What I want to say to my young friends is that you still have to pursue the most ideal love in your heart, because only in this way can you have the most complete happiness that you want.
Light Blue Rabbit, female, Internet practitioner
Some feelings do not happen to blossom, but to give us something we need.
As a teenager, I experienced a relationship that had a deep impact on me. The pain and devastation of that relationship was so devastating that I lost the will to live for a long time. I never touched my heart again.
When I met him, I found that he was very similar to the person who had influenced me and was strongly moved. This kind of heartbeat made me realize that this person was what my psychiatrist had told me before, my "final exams."
The doctor said that before you no longer had the feeling of heartbeat, it was because your ego was not ready, afraid of being hit again, so you made self-protection. And when the subconscious mind finds that we have a stronger ability to cope with this blow, we will once again let similar situations appear in front of us.
I know that if we can consciously deal with this scene at this time, and make some choices that we have not been able to make in the past, we can no longer repeat the tragedies of the past. It may still be painful, but it is no longer enough to destroy yourself.
I also know that if I can experience and eventually deal with this similar situation this time, the pain of the past will no longer bother me, but will truly become the past.
It was with this feeling that I let myself love that person, and indeed experienced the pain as expected, and finally successfully walked out.
It may seem like a terrible relationship in everyone's eyes, but I know it's exactly what I need to become healthier, a love that's good for me. Sometimes we have to let go of some of the love of the past by coming down, and this is a very personal thing, without asking for the understanding of others. You go find the love you need most in the moment, and that's it.
Ky authors have something to say:
I have always believed that the nature of man and life is incoherent, contradictory, complex, and inconsistent. It is precisely for this reason that a thousand people, a thousand moments, there are a thousand different kinds of love.
Just as we cannot truly appreciate the life of another person, we cannot truly understand the love of another person; we do not have to seek the approval of others for our love.
Love is the most personal and sacred, it belongs only to yourself and to the greatest being in the underworld. In today's article we want to tell you that each piece of love has its own function and purpose, unique dependent arising and causal karma.
We don't have to pursue love to meet the mainstream social standard of "good love" all the time. As long as your love is valuable to you at this moment, meets your needs, is meaningful, it is justified.
What is more important than that is to understand your own real need for love at this moment is the more important thing to ensure your happiness.
This concludes the body.
In fact, love is precisely the opportunity for us to tear ourselves down and rebuild.
You need to understand that you do have the opportunity to re-establish a good sense of self and see a self in love that is worthy of being loved.
Recently, a topic on Weibo# Contemporary Young People Say No to Love Poison Chicken Soup has also attracted the attention of Miss KY. Is love a dedication to oneself? Is love dependent and possessive? And the young people of today have chosen to bravely say no to such a love poisonous chicken soup. It is also like the question asked in the short film "Love has no standard, it is up to me". Good enough to have someone love you? Without money, you can't fall in love? Must love be more tolerant and more considerate? What is your definition of love? Does love really have a standard? A series of questions also caused Miss KY to ponder. Pure, exclusive, eternal, unwavering, eternal... Have these beautiful descriptions and expectations of love become a kind of pressure and constraint given by the times?
Love, everyone has, but everyone feels different.
There are no shortcuts to happy intimate relationships, and finding a partner that is 100% in line with one's imagination, a perfect love, is not a shortcut — even if the rules and regulations are met, as long as two people are not one mind, there will be moments when ideas are contradictory. Love, after all, has no standard answer.
However, perhaps it is the feelings that we cannot fully grasp, the things that we have not yet fully understood, and those who can just bear the impermanence of the world, that make our lives more worth living, and make the world more worthy of our exploration. This is exactly what Tantan has always advocated and encouraged, love has no standards, by me; brave love, bold love.
The only thing we need to confirm is to set our own boundaries while loving others. Do not bind yourself because you love whom you love, nor do you bind people because of your love. "We share the cold tide, the wind and thunder, the thunderbolt; we share the mist and the rainbow, as if we are separated forever, but we are dependent on each other for life."
Bless everyone to find their own "non-standard love", and bless every couple of lovers to enjoy their own love.
ad