Author | Piggy piggy
Source | Yin Jianli Parents Academy (ID: yinjianlifumuxuetang)
There are almost no parents who do not love their children, but few parents can tolerate children when they are angry, because it is too difficult to face and deal with their children's anger.
The child's anger contains dissatisfaction and attacks against the parents.
As a parent, working hard for their children all year round, who is willing to accept bad reviews?
But the job of the parents is sometimes like a customer service that can't quit,
We must cultivate the "anti-heaven skill" of containing and digesting the bad emotions of the "little ancestor", and it is really sour enough to think about.
You have to guess the mind of an angry child
Sister Na, who has been a mother for ten years, told me about her sour experience.
Na Jie's daughter Natto is lively and cheerful, and can produce 10,000 tons of laughter every day, but she also says that she will turn her face and turn her face, and her temper will make her mother crazy.
No, playing in the park, Natto was angry, lifted the skateboard and fell into the grass on the side of the road, and Once Na Jie picked it up, she fell once, and she couldn't stop it.
Seeing that it was about to cause onlookers, Na Jie's anxiety rose.
What was the previous story of the "skateboarding incident"?
When walking the baby, she encountered a big downhill, and Sister Na wanted to make the child happy, so she encouraged the child to sit on a skateboard like sandboarding and slide down.
Natto heard his mother say, "It must be fun", so he smiled and tried, but he didn't slip out a meter before he lost his balance and fell on the side of the road, fortunately he was not injured.
In Na Jie's view, what is this?
Usually natto plays skateboarding, bumps and bumps more times, broken skin bleeding has not seen crying.
What's going on this time?
Na Sister went up to coax, Natto did not appreciate it, angrily stared at her mother with big eyes, and threw down a sentence of "You have the ability to try it", so that her mother can experience it on her own.
This is not bad for Sister Na.
She guessed that the girlfriend may have lost face in public", so she tried to help the child save his dignity:
"I don't dare try, you are braver than me, or you are awesome".
Flattery said a basket, natto did not have the slightest intention of turning back, Na Jie hot face pasted cold ass.
Seeing that he was going to be happy to come, he was disappointed, and on the way home, he encountered a downhill, and Na Jie somehow wanted to sit on the skateboard and try it himself.
She had just sat down, and she couldn't help but exclaim without slipping a step:
"Yo, it feels terrible!"
Unexpectedly, Natto, who had been ignoring people for half a day, turned his head back at this time, and his tone was still full of anger, but he sandwiched some grievances:
"Isn't that scary?!"
It turns out that only after experiencing it does it know that completely entrusting yourself to a skateboard that cannot control the direction and has no braking device on the downhill road is not a fun thing, and it will cause people to have strong fear and death anxiety.
Natto is angry that mom has never experienced the real horror she just experienced.
First standing in the back and talking without pain, he encouraged her to slide down, and then he could not understand the fright she had suffered, and persistently picked up the skateboard, as if the dead object was more important than the feelings of a large living person.
This is equivalent to the child has drowned, the mother is still idle on the shore ignorantly, how can it be blamed that the child should be angry?
After personal experience, Na Jie finally agreed that the anger and grievances of the child's outbreak were reasonable!
And the amazing thing is that after that, she didn't say anything to coax the child, natto naturally returned to a peaceful and happy mood.
Empty cups to fill with water
It is difficult to understand the anger of children, but we can firmly believe that children will not make unreasonable trouble, and behind their anger, there must be pain and vulnerability.
Once the pain and vulnerability are seen and understood by the mother, the child's anger will be cured.
Understanding a child's anger is difficult because the child is a child, it is difficult to clearly perceive and express the reason for his anger, and most of the time it is necessary to test the understanding and empathy of the parents.
Sometimes, it's not enough for us to understand by imagination, but also by experience—
Just like Sister Na, she sat on the skateboard herself and understood the child's feelings in seconds.
It is difficult to understand the child's anger, and because once the child begins to release bad emotions, the bad emotions of the parents themselves are also easily hooked.
Parents may experience when a child is angry:
Guilt, self-blame:
Am I doing something wrong? Am I a mom/dad who isn't good enough? Am I sorry for the child?
Shame:
The child is angry, angry, disobedient, where is my face? What will others think of me?
Frustration:
I have tried very hard to take care of the child, but the child presents so much pain, dissatisfaction, I fail, I am powerless...
Sadness, exhaustion:
I have paid so much for my children, but my children can't understand me at all, and being a parent is really not worth it!
Sense of loss of control:
Obviously the last second is fine, the child's mood suddenly took a sharp turn, and how to coax badly, I can't see hope, I don't know what else to do...
Fear:
Does the child stop loving me? Am I going to lose him, the person I love the most?
……
Once the parents' own bad feelings are hooked up, it will reduce clarity and stability, and reduce the ability to contain emotions.
Parents are overwhelmed by their own negative emotions, how can they still have the strength to care for and understand their children?
If you feel that you are easily disturbed by your child's anger and become anxious, then you may wish to be aware of whether there are unresolved complexes and traumas within you.
For example, if your original family and upbringing fail to bring you enough self-esteem, self-confidence, security, and a sense of worth, you can easily blame yourself and blame yourself, rising shame and fear in the face of dissatisfaction and attacks.
Empty cups to fill with water.
To be masters of carrying and dispelling children's anger, we must first see and heal our own wounds, and let our hearts become clean empty cups.
Not being wrapped up in the child's anger does not mean becoming indifferent, but being able to perceive the child's feelings more keenly.
More peacefully accommodate the child's emotional shocks, do not abandon the child because of the child's anger, retaliate against the child, and remain firmly around the child, allowing the child to do as he is.
Understanding a child's anger is difficult, and the difficulty is that parents need to grow themselves and become more mature and stable.
It's much easier to stop your child from getting angry.
As a result, many parents unconsciously choose the easy path and use various methods to prevent their children from expressing anger.
Children who are not allowed to be angry are the most pitiful
A mother once left us a message asking:
When his son was three and a half years old, he would beat himself when he was angry, and when he asked him why, he said, "You can't hit others, you can only hit yourself" -
How to deal with this self-aggression behavior of children?
Asked about the parenting process, the mom added:
The child was sent back to his hometown when he was about one year old and was recently picked up.
When the child loses his temper, the mother often scolds the child and angrily warns the child that "no" is not allowed.
After scolding and then holding the child, the child will say:
"I'm not a good baby, so what are you holding me for?"
Every morning, the child does not want his mother to go to work, always cries for a while, after the mother leaves, the child behaves indifferently...
It hurts me to see these descriptions – this baby is so pathetic!
Obviously, the experience of being sent back to his hometown and not seeing his mother undermines the child's sense of security.
The child wants his mother, but he does not dare to fully attach himself to his mother, afraid of facing separation again.
Children like frightened birds especially long for their mother's unconditional love and total acceptance.
However, whenever he expressed his dissatisfaction, discomfort, and insecurity by throwing a tantrum, and whenever he used a tantrum to test whether his mother's tolerance and love were enough, he was denied and rejected by his mother.
What kind of disappointment and despair has the child experienced in his heart!
The mother can't bear the negative emotions of the child, and the child has to attack himself -
This three-and-a-half-year-old child is still forced to meet his mother's request in the case of his own lack of it!
Self-aggression presents the child's inability to trust the mother and the relationship.
At this time, only maternal love without judgment and transformation is the antidote.
Allowing children to erupt into negative emotions, holding on to their children's revenge, and attacking is the way to go.
If you can let the child experience that no matter what, the parent-child relationship is safe and stable, so that the child can directly express his dissatisfaction with the mother, and at the same time enjoy the love of the mother who does not abandon it.
Then, the child's aggressive behavior will naturally subside.
Anger is not so terrible
If you define anger as an emotion that should not exist in the world, and anger as an act that must be forbidden, then you are probably a child who lacks love.
Don't worry, me too —
Lack of love is not uncommon.
My parents firmly believed that "suffering losses is a blessing" and that one must be uncontroversial and generous and humble.
Anger, on the other hand, is clearly an expression of dissatisfaction and unfairness, contrary to their core values.
As their child, I became the one who was not allowed to be angry, much less allowed to be angry.
If I feel angry, in their opinion, it is not a matter of the environment and others, but that I must be narrow-minded and not "forbearance" enough.
So, for many years, as soon as I felt anger rise, I would feel ashamed of it.
My parents' expressions of rejection of my anger will soon emerge.
Obviously, what I get is not unconditional love, and the parts of my anger and aggression are not loved.
This has led to the fact that I can't fully love myself, always avoid and suppress my anger feelings, fear competition in interpersonal relations, fear conflict, dare not defend my boundaries, and dare not speak up for my rights and interests.
The model of tolerating others and wronging myself has made me suffer a lot of losses, but I have not been blessed by losses as my parents said.
Many times, I know that I choose to suffer losses, not only because of kindness, but more out of fear.
I'm afraid that once I show aggression, I'll lose the relationship I hold dear.
Just like when I was a child, whenever I showed anger, my parents would sneer at me and threaten me with contempt and abandonment.
Ever since I started practicing facing up to and accepting my anger, using anger as a signal to be aware of my unmet physical and mental needs, and then taking care of myself and protecting myself, happiness has multiplied.
Come, teach you emotional storage
Human beings have four main emotions of joy and sorrow, each of which has its own value and is indispensable.
In "My Little Monsters of Emotions", the Spanish picture book writer Anna Jenus painted joy and sorrow into small monsters of different colors, all of which live in the atrium of the child's heart.
From the picture book "My Emotional Little Monster"
Happiness, as bright as the sun, shining like a star, can easily infect the people around you.
When you're angry, you want to yell and throw a tantrum at someone.
Sad, like a wet answer to a rainy day, making people listless.
Afraid to act like a coward, always staying in the dark place and not daring to come out.
If the little monsters are mixed together, the child will feel confused and weird, and it will feel much refreshed to sort them into different jars!
If your child often loses his temper and can't tell what's wrong, you may wish to tell him the story of the little monster of emotion.
Help children distinguish emotions, understand emotions, and name emotions, and children's emotional problems will improve a lot.
For adults, visualizing emotions as natural phenomena is a good way to settle down.
If a person looks at the sun or the moon and says, "You give me a quick fall," or "You give me a quick rise," everyone must think he's crazy.
The sunrise and the moonset are natural phenomena that can only be seen and cannot be judged or manipulated.
In fact, human emotions are the same.
Whether these emotions belong to us, or to our families or our children, we do not judge or manipulate, but just see, see, see, and they will naturally rise and fall.
May you love your emotions as you are, love your children, love yourself, and harvest a true, complete, and peaceful life.
- END -
Author: Yin Jianli Parents Academy (ID: yinjianlifumuxuetang), an educational exchange platform hosted by Yin Jianli, author of China's most influential family education book "Good Mothers Are Better Than Good Teachers". All tutoring questions, here are the answers! Help millions of parents to raise children easily, from knowing to doing! Note: All images come from the Internet, if there is any infringement, please contact.
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