Warm Mom said:
The other day I met a radical Haidian mom.
Halfway through the conversation with her, I was in a state of confusion, being hit by various chicken circle "black words". After another mom's translation, I finally got to know one or two.
The double subtraction did not affect their enthusiasm for chicken babies. What tutoring class starts from the first grade, and then forms a habit, no tutoring class is uncomfortable; what no foundation does not matter, thrown to the top class for a few days, the pressure is the biggest motivation... It makes me feel like a fish in my throat.
Know my mother knows that I am not a special chicken baby mother, I gave the WeChat community the name is also "no anxiety breeding group", I hope that children should play, should learn, have the ability to enjoy life, but also have the ability to struggle.
On this point, I also shared it in a recent video post:
Seeing Haidian-style mothers squeeze their children to the limit is really worried and helpless. It is undeniable that perhaps there are indeed some children who are born cow babies, and such difficulty and intensity are within the range they can accept. But for most children, it is painful and destructive, and it is not in line with the laws of child growth.
At the end of the Winter Olympics, many people said that Gu Ailing's mother was the ceiling of Haidian-style mothers, and Haidian-style mothers could not cultivate world champions, but could only cultivate small towns to be problem makers. Although the heat of this topic has subsided, I have always wanted to talk to you about what we ordinary mothers can learn from it.
Zhao Yukun, a professor of positive psychology at Tsinghua University and a good friend of mine, wrote out what I wanted to say in this article: For the future of children, we do not want to lose, but too utilitarian parenting attitudes can only cultivate to be a problem maker, not to cultivate Gu Ailing.
We may not be able to cultivate a world champion, but we can make children have more intrinsic motivation in the future to pursue what they like.
| Zhao Yukun
Recently, I took my children to play badminton at night, my son made an appointment with a bunch of his friends, and I took my daughter to play next to me, and everyone had a lot of fun. I was also proud of it, using it as an example of "creating a high-level positive experience for children", and the feedback was unexpected.
A mom asked me, "Are you going to let them beat me up?" Why not hire a coach for your child? ”
I said, "I'm very happy to beat blindly, and besides, I can't hire a coach for the New Year." ”
She said: "I will definitely be able to get some money." If you beat it blindly, there is no technical progress at all, what a waste. ”
I said, "It's not a waste either." They still have a bit of a growth, and the key is to have fun and get interested in badminton. ”
She said, "Oh, that's useless, it's certainly not as big as the coach." Two hours a day, they played a winter vacation, dozens of hours, just play, too wasteful! Have this time, ask a coach, this winter vacation has not been in vain. ”
I had to shut up.
In fact, my son also took badminton classes before, but maybe the teacher at that time was more traditional, emphasizing too much technical movements, and after my son finished a period, he was no longer willing to go, and he lost interest in badminton. I think that in the childhood stage, interest is still more important than level, and I did not force him to go again. This time, it was also through playing to rekindle his interest in badminton.
More importantly, children play blindly have the benefit of blind play. For example, among their children, there is a child who plays the best ball and has the strongest personality. There are many of them, every time it is a doubles, he will feel that the partner is not playing well, and let the partner shrink in the corner, and he will rush to solve the problem alone. The result, of course, was the dissatisfaction of the other children. Later, after he was replaced, the other children refused to partner with him, unanimously opposing him to play again.
He had to play against the wall alone on the sidelines, and I couldn't bear to see it, so I threw down my daughter and said to him, "Do you want us to have a game?" He refused, so he stayed on the sidelines and waited until everyone was done and went home together.
As a result, the next day he came again, and looking at his performance, he was much friendlier, no longer a ball bully, and the other children accepted him again without any problems, and everyone happily continued to play.
This is actually a rare "advanced positive experience", whether it is for him who has learned to respect others after being excluded, or for other children who have banded together to resist the ball bully and then accepted. This is an experience that cannot be learned when you have a coach.
This is why I have always advocated "unstructured games", that is, there are no strict rules, but more on the spontaneous creation and casual interaction of children themselves. This is the best way for kids to learn to socialize.
Another friend's response was even more outrageous. She said: "If you have a high-level positive experience, you should go with the child yourself, why do you have to bring other children?" They're competitors to your child. ”
I was shocked because these kids had always been playing together, and I had always thought of them as good friends with my son, never imagining that they could still be competitors. I said, "The world is so big, my children must be competing with other peers, not 100 million, there are 10 million, not necessarily with these children." 」 ”
She said: "But these children are more likely." You think, you children are from the same elementary school, and it is likely that they will also be in the same middle school in the future. If in the future this school will be a Tsinghua student and take that child, it will not take your child. ”
I said, "No, for example, Beijing takes hundreds of Tsinghuas a year, and my son is competing with those hundreds of people, not necessarily these." Besides, most of my sons can't go to Tsinghua, that is, compete with thousands or tens of thousands of other people who are on 985, 211, one, two books, where is the difference between these and these! ”
She said, "That can't be counted that way. You can't aim at 985 and 211 at the beginning, you must plan according to the goals of Shangqing. ”
I had to shut up again.
Take the kids to skiing this weekend. As soon as my son went to the snow field, he went to release himself, and my daughter was the first time, and I accompanied her the whole time. Like all beginners, she can quickly slide down, but it is difficult to master the turns and brakes, and she will wrestle at a turn. To do this, I let her slide for a while, experience some pleasure and achievement, and then practice turning brakes, after a few falls, the frustration is too strong, and continue to slide. Even if it is wrestling, praise her for improving compared to the last time, always making her smile happily and get up.
Later, a little girl came next to me, about the same age as my daughter, about the same level, and also a father with him, and as a result, he scolded his daughter the whole time: "Tell you, you have to turn the outside foot hard, are you forced?!" "Inner eight characters, do you know what is called inner eight characters?!"
The little girl had already slipped very hard, was scolded to the point of emotional breakdown, and after falling down again, she lay on the snow and cried and refused to get up. The dad got even angrier and dragged her up: "This is going to cry too!" The snow didn't hurt! Get up! ”
Fortunately, my daughter went into ski mode again and slid out so far that I finally didn't have to listen to them jumping.
Of course, this father is not necessarily from Haidian District, and these three parents cannot fully represent Parents of Haidian District. However, I found that although I had been in Haidian District for so long, my parents in Haidian District were still more strong than I could imagine. To put it bluntly, it's too utilitarian.
After Gu Ailing became popular, the internet was talking about her family education, and I did not join this hilarity, because I felt that there were many accidental factors in her success, on the one hand, talent, genes, on the other hand, environmental factors, in addition to family education, including schools, communities, and luck.
However, some of her methods are still worth learning, not necessarily allowing us to cultivate Gu Ailing, but it can also make her children have more internal motivation to do what they like in the future. What I admire most about Gu Ailing is not the Winter Olympic gold medal or the Stanford school bully, but her passion for life and her dedication to everything.
One of the key things here is that her mother is not so utilitarian. Instead of forcing her to learn how to ski, her mother let her explore her interests in many ways, and finally decided to focus on skiing. And once she had chosen her direction from her many interests, she burst out with great motivation, very focused on achieving more than others in less time than others—although she did not want to compete with others in the first place.
On the other hand, if everything is so utilitarian, the mentality is easy to be anxious, on the one hand, like the second mother, seeing who is a competitor, too anxious, on the other hand, like that father, too strict with the child, and finally exhaust the child's intrinsic motivation in advance.
Such parents can only cultivate the problem makers in Haidian Huangzhuang, and cannot be Gu Ailing.
(Image from the Internet, copyright belongs to the author)