Contemporary young people, to a greater or lesser extent, have had this confusion:
When lonely, longing for love, when love comes, instinctively resisting.
Afraid of too much interaction with people and afraid of revealing their hearts, sometimes feeling independent and strong enough, but sometimes afraid of being lonely until they are old.
Have you ever wondered why some love can last?
And some people are in love but have no result?
The people who were originally deeply loved have gradually drifted apart, and the two people's channels have really been put right?
A strong sense of belonging accompanies us all the time:
That is the need to build continuous and intimate relationships with others.
When we belong—feel supported by intimate relationships with others—we feel happier and healthier.
Although we always hope to be able to enter into a romantic and stable intimate relationship, when we actually get it, we find that it is not satisfactory, which leads to quarrels, cold wars, and even the breakdown and end of the relationship.
What does true "love" mean to everyone?
Everyone longs for a good relationship, but the dream is full, the reality is very bone, and it is so difficult for us to find happiness in the relationship.
One of the core conflicts in intimate relationships is:
I want this, I think you should give it to me, why don't you give it to me.
The more insecure people are, the easier it is to love out of control in love, making the other party feel suffocated.
Suspicious and suspicious, eager to monitor you 24 hours a day, just to confirm one thing:
"Do you love me?" Will you always love me? ”
When you are tortured so much that you choose to leave, you will think:
"You see, I guessed it right, I really don't love me enough."
Both parties are insecure, in various ways, or coerced or ignored or blamed, etc., trying to get the other to meet their own needs.
Psychologically, this is defined as an anxious attachment personality.
They need lovers to respond in a large and timely manner to gain a sense of security, but this is only temporary.
The ability to handle intimate relationships is also related to the original family, and we will inherit the communication style of our parents.
If our parents have a bad relationship, we will learn a bunch of quarrels and cold patterns of getting along, and our subconscious is full of fear of intimacy.
I don't want to be the weaker party, but I unconsciously carry the expectations of the weaker party for intimacy.
People who can't get into an intimate relationship smoothly can examine their mate selection requirements.
If the requirement is "a warm man who is firm in the future, does not follow the tide, and is humorous and funny", looking back at himself, is he not firm about the future, easy to be pulled by the evaluation of the outside world, or feel inferior because he has no interest in himself?
In life, many people think that a good marriage is one of the people who learn to give in and learn to change themselves.
I don't think so.
Many times, what destroys a marriage is often one party changing itself without a bottom line to complete the other.
People who cater to everything will one day get tired and tired.
And the person who is accommodated to pandering will also feel bored.
For example, two martial arts practitioners are competing, one is a martial arts master and the other is a rookie.
The rookie thinks the play is very interesting, but the master feels that there is no meaning.
At first, there was patience to compare, and then lazily tried again.
This is the truth that people are grouped together and things are grouped.
Rather, a close relationship of equal strength is the right relationship.
As Jane Eyre says:
"Love is a game, and we must always be inseparable from each other, and we must be on a par with each other in order to rely on each other for a long time."
Because opponents who are too strong are exhausting, and opponents who are too weak are tiresome. ”
In the era of free love, as long as the lover is not forced to choose, the luck and misfortune in love are actually your active choice.
As long as it is free love, try not to condemn the other party, try to find the answer from yourself, and then take the initiative to choose and take responsibility for the choice. Whoever it is, there must be a divided side in its heart, and this side must be displayed in love.
You are like this, and so is your other partner.
Love is not only a vivid display of the beautiful side of the two people, but also a vivid display of the split side of the two people.
Praying to meet a complementary other half may be a false proposition, and the deep demand is to hope that another person will make up for unfulfilled self-expectations.
In a failed relationship, the partner's task is to make us learn to see ourselves and accept ourselves.
The responsibility for improving one's sense of self-worth lies with oneself.
"The true value of love is actually reflected in the dark side of life."
Love is beautiful, but adult feelings must eventually be put into practice.
There are trivialities and mediocrity, as well as contradictions and pains.
A relationship, if there is no fantasy bubble before the start, the ending will not have a gap of doom.
Why do we love someone?
One important reason is that we see each other as "ideal selves."
The greater the gap between a person's "real self" and "ideal self", the more likely it is that he will develop obsessive infatuation. However, the more a person is obsessed with the lover, the more he cannot see the true existence of the lover, and what the other party sees is actually the "ideal self" projected by the TA onto the lover.
That is, he does not love you, but himself.
Psychoanalysis holds that all relationships are projections and all love is empathy.
When a person says he loves you, he may not even be able to tell who he loves.
The reason why you are loved by a person is not because of how outstanding you are, but because you are an external projection of his internal relationship, that is, you are just a stand-in, and the person he really loves will always be the first important relationship person in his life.
Two people are in a relationship, opening boundaries with each other, going deep into each other's life course, treating each other as the original image of their true self, and all the love and hate are projected onto each other, and the tragicomedy of love and killing will be staged.
The best way to love someone is to run yourself well and give the other person a quality lover.
Instead of desperately being nice to a person, that person will desperately love you.
Worldly feelings inevitably have a realistic side: you have value, and your efforts will be valued.
There is intimacy, there is the flow of love, everything is alive;
Conversely, if no emotions flow, even if you are the right person in the world, you are a sad walking dead.
Please love yourself before you love me
Love me and love yourself
If you don't love yourself
You can't love me
This is the law of love
Because
You can't give something that you don't have
Your love
It can only flow to Me through you
If you are dry, I cannot be nourished by you.
This poem tells the true meaning of love.
Whoever can read the poem knows how to love himself.
Before you love me, love yourself.
But how many people really know how to love themselves?
When everyone's heart has no love, they are all courting, then they have become people who take it, and the so-called love has changed its taste, changed its quality, and become a transaction.
When the transaction fails, the expectation will be disappointed, followed by endless loss, chagrin, accusation, complaint...
True love for yourself must be someone who has the courage to take responsibility for their own life, and must be a resilient person who can enjoy the best and experience the worst.
To love oneself is to love oneself that is not good.
What is self-acceptance?
Accept your true self, both the good self and the bad self.
Too many of us are prone to accepting our own good and rejecting our own bad, including our own bad emotions, our own failures, and our own dark side.
Imperfect, beautiful.
I love you, you don't have to do what I expect.
I love you the way you are, and I'm willing to tolerate your personality traits that are different from mine, your attitude toward the world, or the habits and hobbies of ordinary people.
Because it is with these differences that you become the unique person I love.
About the Author: Hyun-hong's teacher
Psychological counselor, tarot divinator, planetary energy bowl healer, free code word person, trainer.
The Burrow listens to people cold and warm, and the love volume is the reason.
Red dust comes and goes without a trace, cooking words to heal people's hearts.
I met you, and then I met myself, and fate is like a knife, let me learn with you. - Practical psychology