Source | Mom Handbook
Hello everyone, this is Dumb Daddy Parenting.
Soon after her college roommate Kang Lu got married, she chose to divorce because of her husband's domestic violence.
Working alone with a baby, the chicken feathers and pressures of life make her original gentle personality gradually change.
When they met again, her child, Xiao You, was three years old, he and Fifi were about the same age, and the two children soon played together.
As a result, within half an hour, the two were quarreling because of a small car.
Before I could ask the two children why, Kang Lu pulled up Xiao You and slapped her on the child's buttocks.
Xiao Yu did not react for a while, and was stunned for a few seconds before he began to cry.
At this time, Fifi pulled me aside and said, "Mom, it wasn't he who bullied me, it was I who broke his little car." ”
My meeting with Kang Lu also ended in a hurry because of this episode, and in the evening, I received another call from Kang Lu, and she cried and said:
"I beat the child indiscriminately during the day, who knew that when he came home at night, he hugged me first and told me I was sorry and told me not to be angry.
I really thought I was a bad mother, and it wasn't the first time I'd been so fierce to him, but he never seemed to have a vendetta.
Or will I take the initiative to smile at me, take the initiative to hug me, I really regret putting the worst side of myself on the child..."
Even if the worst side is left to the child, the child never seems to remember the revenge, which is the common experience of many parents.
It seems that no matter how big the fire you have, turn around, the child will still smile at you, or will hold you tightly.
Many parents regard their children's non-revenge as "no heart and no lungs", thinking that children are turning around and forgetting, but in fact, it is not.
Not remembering revenge does not mean that they will not be hurt, and the reason why children do not remember revenge is far more sour than you think.
01.
Because I love my parents, I choose to forgive
We often say that the love of parents for their children is the most selfless and unconditional love in the world.
Is this really the case?
Let's do a multiple choice question, if you let your child score 10 points, how many points will you score?
There was a video in which the parents did the same scoring questions.
At the beginning of the question, the parents were full of helplessness, and then mentioned the details of the child's bad performance:
Wipe your mouth with your sleeve;
Refusal to eat obediently;
Cry 5 or 6 times a day...
So, they all deducted points for their children, and finally gave 7, 8, or even 5 points.
But the same question is placed in front of the child, and they all give the mother a full score of 10 points.
Suddenly ashamed.
Every parent has high hopes when they love their children, and this expectation requires the child to reciprocate with sensible, well-behaved, good grades, and good performance.
Although parents do not deliberately ask for it, after pouring it with all their hearts, they always hope to cultivate an excellent child.
Parents' love for their children is not completely unrequited, the most obvious manifestation is that whenever the child behaves badly and does not become the expected appearance, the parents will feel headaches and loss.
On the other hand, the child's love for the parents is the true unconditional love.
Just like you beat the child, after 15 minutes, the child will take the initiative to reconcile with you, but if the child makes a mistake and makes you angry, after 15 minutes, will you take the initiative to find him and reconcile?
Whenever a child is scolded by his parents, whether the reason is that he is naughty or his parents do not understand, he can be diluted and dissolved because of love.
As Fan Deng said:
"In fact, the reason why children can reconcile with you is not because your educational methods are effective, but because children love us far more than we love children."
A child's attachment to his parents is an absolutely natural thing. ”
The child's world is pure, and all they desire is the love of their parents, for which they can forgive all their bad emotions, even if they are hurt.
After reading the love of the child, as a parent, even if there are bad emotions, perhaps we should try to be more gentle and patient with the child.
02.
Get used to yelling
The heart gradually becomes numb and inferior
There was once a news interview with a child who had been abused for a long time.
His father would even burn his skin with a soldering iron. But when the police said to take him to the welfare home, the child's answer was: "No, I want to go home." ”
Being yelled at by parents for a long time may not be enough to cut off a child's attachment to his parents, but the scars formed in the child's heart are difficult to erase.
Children are the first payers of bad emotions in their parents.
Children who have been yelled at for a long time will become flattering, inferior, sensitive, insecure in this environment, and seriously rebellious, grumpy, and easy to go to extremes.
There is even a situation where the child does not pay for your yelling at all.
Egg Egg's cousin Xu Yang is the kind of child who has been "skinned", no matter how you beat him, he doesn't care, pretend not to hear.
Once Xu Yang secretly took the money from his father's pocket, went to buy the latest toys, and ran to show off with the egg.
Egg is very confused, is stealing something not a bad behavior? As a result, Xu Yang said, "I'm afraid of something, if you find out that it's a big deal, you'll beat me up again, what else can they do?" ”
Scolding and yelling at children is never a weapon to educate children and solve problems.
When your children are young, they may be intimidated by you, but as they get older, they will also disagree with it.
The influence of parents on the child is subtle, and your bad side of the child will form a scar in the child's heart, and this scar will continue to deepen with the number of times you lose your temper.
Raising a child, there will be a moment of irritation, but there must be other ways than to yell at him and hit him.
Don't hurt the child who loves you the most in the worst way.
03.
Burden and weight
Don't use your child as a catharsis
If the child's world is only to eat, drink and have fun, then the parent's world is a chicken feather.
The continuous accumulation of negative emotions will always have a moment of collapse and break the embankment, and even gentle parents will lose control of their emotions.
In "Parents Who Don't Get Out of Control", it is written:
"An overly tired mother will be emotionally detached from her children.
Her self-control will become weaker and weaker, and she will protest the child's demands, regard him as a 'tyrant', and resent him for it.
The feelings were sometimes so strong that they would temporarily erase her maternal love. ”
The same is true of Kang Lu's personality change, the unfortunate marriage coupled with the pressure of working to raise a baby, so that she gradually immersed herself in out of control emotions, and became irritable and impatient with children.
As an adult, we must learn to change our emotions, stop, bear more burdens, and don't use children as catharsis.
Talk to family and friends, give yourself a vacation, and learn to let yourself slowly relax.
In the face of children, we need to shout less emotionally, talk more calmly, and give ourselves time to calm down before the emotional breaks.
Don't let a momentary anger hurt the little life that loves us unconditionally.
04.
Children's love for their parents is the most selfless and pure, and they accept every imperfect parent with their most kind and innocent side.
To treat children, we need to constantly grow and change, learn to communicate peacefully and correctly, and learn to understand the small reasons behind their mistakes.
May every "watching" you can clean up your bad emotions, even if you are really out of control occasionally, don't forget to put down your body and sincerely apologize to your child.
May every child grow up in a loving and happy family, and may all children be treated with tenderness.
*The content of this issue is original by the mother's manual, and the scientific parenting manual that millions of mothers are reading. Editor-in-chief: Morning Mom, sharing parenting knowledge, parent-child education experience, quality life concept, and accompanying tens of millions of parents to grow together.
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