3 "needed" states in relationships!

“

Guide

In an adult relationship, both sides are an equal posture, and you will experience the same satisfaction in your exploration of the world, your experience of novelties, your thirst for knowledge, and your conquest of your career.

”

01

The difference between need and love

Need is a taking, love is a giving often people say, "I need him because I love him." How much I cared about him, how inseparable I couldn't live without him, and I loved him so much that I couldn't help myself. ”

But if one person parasitizes oneself on another person, such love is suffocating and very frightening. This is a one-man show of self-touching: need is need, how can you pretend to be great in the name of love?

Love is also not indulgence, not endless obedience to the other party, nor is it unprincipled to please the other party. The education of love is gentle and firm. Good habits are to be cultivated, and some rules are to be followed.

Love is conveying a kind of kindness to the other party, and need is transmitting a kind of hostility, a kind of control to the other party.

It is a very normal thing for people to have needs, a very natural thing, and a bright and upright thing. Need is not terrible, the terrible thing is that when you obviously need it, you have to disguise it in the name of love.

02

Three states of need in a relationship

Love and need do not achieve absolute balance, nor do they balance at all times, but a dynamic balance, a balance of the whole, as long as the relationship continues, then it is balanced as a whole, it can operate.

From the perspective of love and need, we can divide relationships into three situations:

The first case is a mother-infant relationship

A mother-infant relationship is a form in which one person sends out a need and the other gives love to meet the other's need. It's like a mother raising a baby. The mother's duty is to meet the various needs of the baby, to love the baby completely, to provide resources for the baby, and to let the baby grow up healthy and happy.

Babies will ask their mothers to do something to meet their own needs, and they need their mothers to pay attention to him, recognize him, value him, accept him, and help him.

When he sends a signal of need, Mom has to meet his needs in a timely manner. And he needs you to take the initiative with him, to take the initiative to be aware of his needs, to meet his needs in a timely manner, and to make him satisfied.

When you put yourself in the position of a baby and need to be fed in time, then you put the other person in the position of a mother. You begin to play the role of the baby, responsible for sending out the needs, and the other party begins to play the role of the mother, responsible for giving love and satisfying you.

Therefore, your relationship at this moment is called a mother-infant relationship.

Similarly, if you are playing the role of a mother, putting yourself in the position of a mother, worrying about each other's life, and caring about each other's state, then you are also putting the other party in the position of the baby.

The second case is a contradictory relationship

Of course, there are many times when the other party is not willing to be your mother, he also wants to be a baby, he also needs you to care for him, understand him, support him, then at this time he is asking you to be a mother, he is a baby.

If you want, then you will continue the mother-and-baby relationship. But you don't want to, you still want to continue to be a baby, continue to ask the other party to be your mother, but both people want to be babies, so what to do? You have contradictions.

There are often people who are confused: "What if the other party always asks me to be his mother?" "Actually, the question is very simple.

Because you have an adult posture, you just have to reject the other person.

An adult has a basic sense of boundaries and can choose the right way to refuse for the freedom he wants.

If you feel that it is difficult and wronged to refuse, it is because you still want to be a baby, and you need the other party to take care of your vulnerability when you refuse. You just need each other and want to be the baby.

In a paradoxical relationship, there is no mother, no adult, only two babies. You need me, I need you, two people glued together, neither can satisfy the other.

The third case is an adult relationship

What is an adult relationship? An adult first has a sense of boundaries.

He will not wronged himself to satisfy the other party, and he will not force the other party to satisfy himself. He knows what he wants to do and what he doesn't want to do, and he can stick to himself.

Such a person can focus on the self, and will find the meaning of life and then enjoy life.

In the process of this enjoyment, he will want to share this joy with another person, so as to build a relationship with another person. The relationship established by such a person is an adult relationship.

For example, I love dance, I share dance with you; I love travel, I share travel with you. Similarly, you share the parts you love with me.

Through communication and sharing, we form an infection and attraction. Both parties do not have to be experts in this field, but both have a desire to explore the world, a pursuit or love for a certain field or a certain aspect, and your enthusiasm will form a mutual infection.

In this state, both parties pursue the quality of life. You will find that life is very good. The mother-infant relationship and the contradictory relationship are still in the stage of pursuing survival.

Attachment to the needs of others is to say that one needs the provision of others to live. Just like a baby leaves his mother's milk and care, he is not fully independent and needs others to help him survive.

An adult relationship is when two adults who are independent, who can satisfy themselves and do not need the support of others, walk together like-mindedly because of their attraction to each other, to experience the beauty of life together and create a future of infinite possibilities.

Some people will say, "I happily share it with him, and he doesn't respond, what does this have to do?" "When he doesn't respond to you, the relationship is judged by whether you're uncomfortable or not.

If you're uncomfortable, then you're in baby's state at that moment. Because you want him to show value to you by responding to you, what you want is not to share but to value.

Sharing in adulthood is when he's not interested, and I choose to share my excitement in other ways than to force him to respond to me.

If you have a basic sense of boundaries, the other person can't consume you.