If we were children who grew up in a chaotic family environment, we will grow up to be more aware of words and be more sensitive to details outside of words. While this information is unavoidable for children growing up in this family, being in this environment for long periods of time can be harmful.
Here are 5 of the most common behaviors in childhood shadows in adulthood that tend to generate harmful beliefs that lead to unhealthy relationship patterns:
1. You must forgive, or ignore, bad behavior in life.
If we were abused by our parents, caregivers, or relatives when we were young, we end up suffering alone, and even being asked to forgive these bad behaviors.
For example:
"This is your mother; You must forgive";
"Your uncle fought in the war, and we should ignore his alcoholism and violence";
Or say, "Look at everything they've done for you; Don't be so ungrateful. ”
Children who grow up in traumatic families know that such bad behavior is inevitable and that it is pointless to expect apologies or sympathy. While most caregivers try to be the best they can through their own methods and knowledge, the patterns learned in this kind of home tell us that these bad behaviors are unimportant and that we should forgive them simply because they are our caregivers.
2. Relationships are painful.
Children who grow up in environments where they often quarrel, or avoid communication altogether, will know that conflict is an inevitable part of a relationship.
While this is to some extent true — human conflict is inevitable — such families teach unhealthy and unsafe conflict management.
In healthy families, children deal with conflict in a compassionate and respectful way through observation and experience, and children are the best at imitating, and they imitate these behaviors with their peers.
However, if children see the caregiver's contempt, obstruction, criticism, cruelty, and lack of consideration and empathy for the feelings of others, they will also learn and replicate the same behavior.
3. Trust in relationships is not guaranteed.
If caregivers are unreliable and emotionally or physically abandoned, children who grow up in this environment will understand that we cannot rely on them when needed.
Many children who grew up with parents who abused drugs or engaged in illegal activities learned to hide their money and possessions for fear of being robbed in their own homes. Children's privacy is also not guaranteed, and when their diaries are read, private conversations are eavesdropped, phones are monitored, and bedrooms are seen as unsafe spaces, children feel vulnerable and unobstructed.
Commitments are broken and bad behaviors are not changed, which affects the child's development. When boundaries are constantly and deliberately violated, it is emotional abuse.
4. Whatever it is, it's all your fault.
A family with personality disorder characteristics or both parents will almost always find a scapegoat in the family and blame the family's problems on this person to distract the family from dysfunction.
This blame-ridden environment can have a negative impact on a child's development. Questioning adults in many cultures, and in previous generations, has been considered disrespectful, but this is somewhat different from what we're talking about here.
While many homeschooling children cannot refute their parents or older caregivers, there are ways in which children can both show respect and authenticity in their views, rather than being unfairly blamed or instilling a sense of self-blame in their children as they grow up.
5. It is not safe to seek support from your family.
Children who grow up in abusive families know early on that they cannot seek support from their parents or caregivers.
Whether they encounter peer conflict, relationships, school problems, or other aspects of life, these children don't seek support from their caregivers for fear of retaliation, blame, or even punishment.
These children will often hang out with their older peers who feel they can protect them and who are often more mature than they really are.
When children grow and learn without a safe adult to seek support, their chances of consuming drugs, having unsafe sex, and other dangerous activities increase.
Write at the end
Although the original family is full of complex and contradictory feelings, we have grown up. Every present moment can be re-lived for ourselves; every present moment can be re-decided to create our own tomorrow.
The best appreciation is to "watch" and share, so that life is more warm