Li Yue'er丨 Behind the child's "willfulness" and "nonsense" - teach you to read the child's growth code!

Manifestations of the stubborn period

Let's first look at an event like this:

When a child takes the elevator, it used to be his mother or father holding him and asking him to press the elevator door for everyone. But one day, he suddenly realized that something was wrong: Dad and Mom were standing on the floor with their bodies erect, reaching out to press the elevator button, but he was holding the oblique body and pressing the elevator button, so he asked himself to stand on the ground like adults, standing upright and pressing the elevator button.

This was important to him because the passwords designed by his brain were to ask all the children in the world to imitate the adults he noticed, and he simply could not resist this, because he did not realize that he was imitating others.

First of all, his new idea was fiercely opposed by adults, and his father and mother kept stressing in his ear: "You can't reach it, you can't wait until you grow up." But he didn't understand at all, and at his insistence, Dad finally put him on the floor, and he endured his mother's angry complaints, and Dad said, "Look, are you enough?" Can't reach it. ”

He didn't understand what dad was saying, what was not enough? He just held out his hand, his father picked him up again, he was crying again, dad had no way, really put him on the floor, this hard-won opportunity is not easy, he can finally press the elevator button like an adult.

However, when he held out his hand again, he couldn't press it. He really didn't know what was wrong with that! Once he could press that button, but now he couldn't press it no matter how hard he tried, and he was so angry that he lost his temper and cried and vomited.

Dad and Mom were still arguing in his ear, and Dad scolded: "Look, you can't reach it, you have to reach it yourself, and you cry!" Mom argued with Dad, "What are you doing?" Didn't you say that? Why are you shouting at your children? But what made him even more angry was that his father picked him up, took his hand, and pressed the button.

The elevator door was opened, and he was going crazy, and he cried, "Don't! No! "He's going to stand on the ground and press himself. So he demanded to get out of the elevator like crazy, let the elevator door close and then go back to the previous time. But no matter how he cried, he couldn't go back to what he had just done, and he simply felt that he couldn't live.

At this time, his ass was beaten twice by his father, he was frightened, so frightened that he forgot to cry, at the same time, his mother and father quarreled, they became particularly terrible, what is the world? How so difficult.

I believe that many parents have encountered such a situation, because children do not understand the relationship between height and the height of the elevator door, and do not understand the relationship between their wishes and actual conditions, so they cannot judge where the problem is in the whole incident, and the children only know their own wishes.

In order to ensure that human beings can develop according to the characteristics of each different person, nature must design human beings to construct their own selves, stubbornly following requirements that they do not know.

When wisdom accumulates to a certain extent, the child will have a qualitative leap. When there is such an incomprehensible situation in the case, the parent should be happy. If we hit and scold children because they have a qualitative leap in their development, because the children have an epiphany, it sounds incredible, and it is the parents who do the wrong things and do not understand things in the case, not the children.

After the age of two, if the child wants to lift the stool as he envisions, when he moves it, because the stool is smooth or heavy and not lifted as he envisions, he will cry for this wish.

The closer they get to 3 years of age, the more obvious the signs become, that they act like natural perfectionists who demand that their behavior and the objects around them be consistent with what they envision. In fact, this is because there is too little experience, and the adherence to one experience is caused, and when there is no experience, there is no comparison, and they will not hurt. After more experience, they will judge whether the existing experience is suitable for the existing behavior, and they will find the reason for the failure, so it will not be painful.

Only in this period did they have more experience than nothing, less than enough, so they caused their stubbornness, which is also known as the difficult 2 years old. This is especially true after the age of 2 and a half.

This stage, Montessori called , is the "obsessive sensitivity period." The child's state of stubbornness lasts until after the age of three and a half. After many such encounters, the child will gradually understand the relationship between things and things, as well as the relationship between things and people, and know what he can change and what people cannot change.

At this stage, children will also rigidly adhere to the shape of some of their favorite objects, if this shape is inadvertently destroyed, or must not be destroyed in the course of human life, the child will be very painful, so crying.

Mr. Zhang's confusion:

Once, when his parents came to his house to stay, Mr. Zhang cooked a fish for his parents at lunch, and the fish was placed in its entirety on the dinner plate, sprinkled with some red pepper shreds, and a few slices of coriander were placed next to it as a garnish.

Mr. Zhang is proud of his work, I hope that my parents will taste a bite, praise the fish well done, after the fish is served, the child is excited, and makes a variety of small animal excited actions to the fish, usually Mr. Zhang likes to see the child make such an action, because it means that the child is happy, Mr. Zhang's concept of raising children is: as long as the child is happy.

Lunch began, Mr. Zhang enthusiastically recommended this fish to his parents, parents for their sons both smiled and stretched out their chopsticks to the beautiful fish, then the child suddenly covered the plate with his hands, eagerly shouting: "No one is allowed to eat this fish, no one is allowed to eat this fish!" ”

The child's father saw that his son was so selfish, did not know how to honor the elderly, felt very faceless, and saw the embarrassment on the faces of his parents, Mr. Zhang was even more angry with his son. So in anger, he grabbed the fish plate from his son's tightly guarded hands, and clipped the fish into several pieces at once, and placed them in the bowls of his parents.

The consequence of this move is that the child jumps like the sky is falling.

The old man's face was very ugly, and he sent the fish back to the fish plate and said, "We don't eat it, we give it to you." Although the fish was sent back, the child still cried and shouted, "Broken Daddy, Broken Daddy." This made Mr. Zhang really intolerable, dragged his son into the bedroom, and beat him up.

The child cried in the bedroom, and eventually the family finished the reunion dinner in a dull manner. When the old man was leaving, he told his son with a calm face not to spoil the child.

For the child, he still can't understand that the dish is so pleasing to the eye is to make people rush to eat it into the stomach, he only knows that it is a happy work of art, the child does not understand why the protection of this work of art will be beaten, and the face and the hurt caused by the father's tantrum and scolding will remain in the child's heart and become an eternal pain.

He may think that he is a bad boy, that it is not permissible to demand the integrity of a thing, and that this perception may affect the child's whole body. Children who steal and lie may use underground behavior to achieve their wishes because they think their demands cannot be met and their controversies are useless.

How to face your child's stubbornness?

When encountering children who are stubborn, some parents will try to think of various incorrect ways to solve the problem, like the child who has to press the elevator button by himself, he is not tall enough, and he does not let his family hold him, and adults will think of going home to get a stool to pad under their feet.

But in fact, children in the period of stubbornness do not accept these methods, they have to stand on the ground, to let their hands reach the button, they just don't understand why his father can reach, he can't reach.

What should parents do to be right?

If parents think that they have such a good idea for their children, but they are angry because they have not been adopted by their children, it will affect the development of their children at this stage.

Because the child is fully engaged in exploring this matter, and is sincerely suffering for the sake of not achieving the purpose, this is a trait that the human survival instinct needs. People have such a spirit to ensure that they will strive for excellence in the means of survival and survival skills in the future.

If at this time the adult shows anger, angry at the child, or even scolds the child for this, the child will feel inexplicable, do not know why you are angry, after the adult is angry, the child will stop crying or painful expression, become cringing.

If at this time the adult tells him that due to his small age, he has not grown tall, so he cannot reach, it will also bring adverse self-perception to the child, and when they do things in the future, once they encounter difficulties or problems that need to be faced by themselves, the child will use "I am still young, not yet grown" as a reason to escape.

Although it is not easy for children to adopt adult suggestions, adult positive suggestions will have a positive impact on children, and children will become an independent problem solver in the future.

When not knowing how to face the child's stubbornness, the adult can do is listen to the child--- calmly and quietly wait for the child to finish the tantrum, and then tell the child that the mother and father can't do anything about it. After many times, children will find that there is nothing they can do in the face of the laws of nature, and then they will use their wisdom to solve these problems.

One day I went to the class, after a while it was time to eat, everyone quickly returned to their seats and left, Xintian (pseudonym) set up a cushion on the ground, I suggested that he return the cushion to eat, while picking up a cushion and returning it to its original position, at this time, Xintian suddenly lay on the floor and cried, crying while saying: "Don't you return, don't want you to return!" "I know I'm in 'trouble'.

So I sat down and waited patiently for things to pass. Xintian lost his temper and his voice was so loud that when he was gasping for breath, I said, "Then can I take the mat back and put it back in place yourself?" Xintian cried, "No, go back to what you just did!" I said, "There's no way back to what I was just now." Xintian heard this, screamed and stomped his feet, and his temper became even greater.

I looked at him calmly, waiting for him to stop again, at such times, sometimes you will find that they will never stop, but you must insist, after persevering you will find that they actually stop losing their temper very quickly, because the last big temper uses too much force, and soon tired, then you can give them new suggestions.

After Xintian shouted, it suddenly turned into a sad cry, and I took the opportunity to say to him, "Let's go to dinner, shall we?" He cried and said, "I'm going to put my back on the cushion." I was touched by him and said, "Well, this time Teacher Li is not moving, you yourself are in your place." "What I didn't expect was that he first picked up a pillow for me, and then he began to put himself back on the pillow.

I think that one day the child will understand such a truth, that time cannot be turned back, that we cannot go back to what we were just now. But they'll find ways to reassure themselves that they won't dwell on such things anymore, or they'll start trying to find ways to make up for it.

Because I was with Xintian when he lost his temper and was sad, he developed a "buddy" feeling for me, so after I sincerely admitted my mistake to him: "I will never take the pillow again", he "took pity" and accepted me, sharing a pillow for me to return to, this behavior is the harvest of our conflict, this is human nature.