Author: Ah Hu
In the evening, the autumn wind blows the leaves, the sunset has not yet set, and in the hospital's delivery room, a golden ray of sunlight falls on your mother's pale face. Looking at your mother's pained look, my heart was like a knife, and I wished it was me lying on the bed. However, when I think of you coming to this colorful world, I am secretly happy.
The doctor told me to take your mother to the delivery room, and half an hour later, after I heard your mother screaming heart-rending, I heard your first cry in this world, and that cry was clean and full of temptation, for me.
I rushed into the delivery room, and the doctor said that the mother and child were safe and asked me to wait a few more minutes before I could see you and your mother. I retreated outside the door, anxiously waiting, and for a few minutes, I waited for the two of you, as if I had waited for three lifetimes for so long.
During the five days I stayed in the hospital, I slept with you in my arms every day, and I couldn't leave for a moment. Your mother was weak, and then I asked your grandmother and your aunt to help me take care of your mother. Every day, looking at your fleshy little face, I want to kiss it, but your mother says you just came out and can't let me kiss you. But I couldn't contain the joy in my heart, so while you were asleep, I secretly kissed you on the face.
When I got home, my family was not rich, and I didn't give you the most privileged environment, nor did I give your mother a good place to nourish herself. About this, perhaps the most sorry thing for you in my life, I regret it.
The longer you are, the more cute you are, the longer you are, the more people love it, and the smarter you are. You like to move, you like to run outside, you like to flip through our books. I remember when you were three or four years old, I taught you to memorize ancient poems, you remember very well, and in a short time, you learned a lot of poems. I'm especially proud to see that you love to read, I haven't fallen asleep for many nights, not because I have too many "thoughts", but because I am too happy and toss and turn.
You like to play in the place with flowers and plants, at that time, our door was not as full of houses as it is now, the greenhouse blocked the view of our house, fortunately, there were some open spaces next to the greenhouses, and the open spaces were full of flowers and plants. Every evening, I would roam the clearing with your mother with you. While we watched the flowers and plants, we taught you to recite ancient poems, which was particularly interesting, and it can be said that our family was the happiest at that time.
You have a lot of questions, and wherever you go, if you don't know, you'll ask me and your mom. Sometimes, the questions you ask don't even know about me and your mother. Whenever this happens, one of us will play with you, and the other person will quickly check the phone and answer your questions accurately.
I remember that on a crisp autumn day, I took you to climb a mountain, and at that time, you did not have a specific understanding of climbing. That day, we went to a place called Gaojiapo and walked down the mountain step by step. The mountain was very high, and we didn't walk to the top of the mountain for most of the day, and we walked very slowly, especially you, walking on the road like a little snail, and you carried your favorite monkey bag. Autumn in my hometown is particularly beautiful, along the way I told you a lot of stories and truths, at that time, I did not want you to understand all, I just want you to concentrate on climbing the mountain, when we climbed to the middle of the waist, you said to me: "Dad, where is the climbing, this is clearly walking the mountain." "After hearing your humorous words, I laughed.
Time flies quickly, and before you know it, you're six years old, and you're old enough to read. Every day, watching you slowly progress, I am excited. Watching you grow up slowly under our noses, I have an indescribable joy.
I remember when you were in first grade, I sent you to school. That day, the school told you to stand on the playground waiting for the class. I saw that you were so nervous that even your body was shaking, and I was worried. But when I asked you how this was, you told me that it was because I was overly happy and too excited, so my whole body was shaking.
From that day on, you also became a standard elementary school student, and you were very happy. Every day when you come home, you'll tell me and your mom what you learned that day, and we'll both be happy. Later, over time, your homework grew. Slowly, your temper also becomes grumpy. It's sad to watch you go from being a sensible kid to being like this, I for tat. During that time, we both felt as if we had eaten raw beef, and you roared over, and I roared over, and neither of us conceded defeat. Over time, I found that the relationship between the two of us was no longer as harmonious as before.
Or maybe we expect too much from you, and every exam you take will affect my relationship with you. As long as you take the exam, whether it is a unit test or a final exam, every time you come home from the exam, you will tell us the test results. Sometimes we are happy, sometimes we are sad. When we are sad, we will even yell at you with your head chopped and covered in the face, in fact, I didn't think so much when we roared, but every time I yelled at you, I regretted it. I regret why I did this to you? I regret that I didn't ask qinghong yelling at you, I asked myself, is this what a father should look like? I've asked myself many times, but as long as you don't do well in the test, I still can't change the harshness on you.
Once, you said to me, "You hate me. "When you say these words, my heart is like a knife, and my heart is dripping blood.
That night, I didn't sleep, I kept thinking, what am I going to do to you, you will be as happy as before. So, I recalled a lot of things since you were in first grade. I think it's all because I want you too much to be stronger and better than others. This is also the reason why I hope that Jackie Chan is eager. In fact, slowly remember, it is not bad that you can get the fifth place in the whole township in the first grade. Besides, your math is still the first in your grade.
Maybe it's really that we expect too much from you, and when you were in the first grade, you were satisfied with us, but with the arrival of the second grade, every exam, more or less, would make me sad, or not meet my requirements. I remember once, you only scored more than sixty points, you came back and didn't dare to tell us, and then I knew, you said you were afraid that we would scold you. On that occasion, I was really furious, and my reason was that you didn't tell us the truth. I remember saying something very ugly and ugly, and when I think about it after the incident, I think I am wrong and should not say that to you.
But I've already said it. In order to make you not care about what I said so ugly, once I said the same thing to your mother, and after the incident, your mother told me that what I said was really hurtful, no wonder you cried so sadly for so long. I haven't said that kind of thing since your mother told me, and even when I was particularly angry, I forcibly controlled my mouth. Many times later, they were controlled again. But once, when you were particularly disobedient, I said that again.
Time is like a white colt gap, the second grade is over in a flash, every unit test, you are the top three, but once the final exam, do not know why? You always unexpectedly take the test so "poor", which makes me feel helpless compared to usual.
I distinctly remember when you were in second grade, in the first semester, your overall grades went back one place, and in the second semester, your overall grades went up two places. You and the third place are only a third of the difference, and you say that you blame your two fill-in-the-blank questions for accidentally doing it wrong. Before you could finish speaking, I you, and that night I regretted it again.
Anyway, you didn't meet my requirements, and I didn't be a qualified father according to your requirements.
What makes me saddest the most is that since you were in the third grade, especially in the first semester of the third grade, I am sad, and you are sad. This semester, I am very busy with things, there is no time to take care of you, many times, your homework is your mother to help you. As a father, it was my dereliction of duty and I am really sorry for you. But then again, you're in the third grade, and if we still need to supervise you with everything, and if we still need to watch you all the time, and then you do it, just imagine, what big things can you achieve in the future?
Soon, the first semester of the third grade was finished by you. Every time you come home for your unit exam, you'll say you've done your best and did well. I often tell you that in the third grade, you must learn self-discipline, there are many things, you have to grasp it yourself, don't want us to give you the master of everything. But you just don't listen, always thinking that I am not good for you, or that you just think that I am targeting you for everything.
As a result, the relationship between the two of us became more and more rigid, and sometimes, when I gave you a topic, you just wouldn't listen, and you always thought you were great. You also often say that many of your classmates are inferior to you and so on. In fact, you start to slowly be eroded by pride. I warn you when I see you become like this, but you still do. So, I discussed with your mother, let you take the exam and then say, sure enough, the final exam results of the first semester of the third grade proved that our predictions were true, and your language and math dropped. But this time I didn't scold you and argue with you like before, I just whispered to you, such a result, I have long thought about it, but did not tell you.
The results were expected, and I was not as upset and disappointed as before.
I just haven't slept well for several nights, and I reflected a lot on it, including my own questions, and discipline of you, etc.
Eventually, I figured out a lot of problems, mine, and yours. There are many problems, I think, we all need to change, or rather, we all need to improve. So, I summarized a few of the most important questions: First, my problems are very big, this semester, I almost do not care about you, let you believe in the reins. Second, your problem is not small, many times, I and your mother give you the topic, you don't believe us, you always think that you are the most powerful, and fight with us, we talk about you did not pay attention to it at all. Third, you played too much, every time you went to your grandmother's house, you all played until the dark, all kinds of games, TV series. Fourth, every weekend, you always ask to go to your grandmother's house to play, and if we don't go, you cry, so, somehow, crying has become your daily routine.
Perhaps, we are all wrong. I clearly remember that we bought a set of exercise paper for you to practice pen, and whenever you do a problem, you will say that we are not good to you, and you will cry non-stop. At that time, I also reminded you that nothing people do when they cry has no effect. But you are still addicted to crying, and in order to make us not embarrassed, I only asked to do some problems. As a result, when the final exam results of the first semester of the third grade came down, many people in your class surpassed you, not to mention the whole township. Mathematics, I remember that there were eleven in your class, six in Chinese, and you suddenly fell from the fifth place to the forty-fifth place in the township, and you can use the name Luosun Mountain to describe your grades. On the day of the opening ceremony, there was a student who won the prize and got it softly, and when I came home, I asked you how you felt, and you didn't speak.
Many teachers are talking about the fact that the student who won the most awards did three sets of exam papers in one semester, and they were all willing, which is self-discipline. That is, he made at least seventy rolls of paper in a semester. And you, we only bought one set for you to do, not only did you not finish it, but also said that you did more than others. Whenever you say this, I am very angry, and I say to you angrily, "From this day forward, I will no longer care about you." ”
But you are my son, this cannot be changed, how can I ignore you.
I often mention to you that careful decisions of success or failure, maybe you don't understand what I mean, the mouth is yes, but I know that your heart is very uncomfortable. Because, I know from your answer to my words that you are not satisfied with everything.
Son, it is useless to talk more. Wrote so many stories about the two of us over the years. Maybe you don't fully understand what I mean now, but I always believe that when you understand a little, you will understand all our painstaking efforts for you. At the moment, I just want you to understand that I'm not being bad for you. Perhaps, you will say that you also want me to understand you. I promise now that I will change slowly and that I will understand everything about you from your side, but I also hope that you will change slowly and become self-disciplined, confident and self-reliant.
We don't even know what the world of the future will look like? All I know is that I will always stand behind you and support you until you grow up.
Son, let's work together, shoulder to shoulder, to the far side...
Ah Hu, a native of Hezhang, Guizhou, is a member of the Guizhou Writers Association. His works have been published in Selected Essays, Guizhou Writers, Nanfeng, Selected Poems and other publications.
