He Suohuan, a writer of sexual affective psychology, writes love stories, interesting strangers, and material knowledge.
Osamu Dazai wrote a sentence in "Human Disqualification":
"My misfortune lies precisely in my lack of ability to refuse."
I think so.
What is the greatest pain in life? I don't know how to refuse.
All troubles in relationships stem from this.
In social:
You don't know how to refuse, face the unreasonable demands of others, and repeatedly choose to back down; In the end, you find that instead of respect, your concessions have become the source of the other party's intensification.
In love:
You won't refuse, and your partner will repeatedly squeeze you dry and use you until you lose your usefulness and discard you.
In family relationships:
Parents will not refuse, unconditionally accept all requests of their children, and may raise "insatiable" children.
Children will not refuse, do not have the courage to resist any request from their parents, may develop a "flattering personality", do not have their own opinions for a lifetime, and live in the "shadow of control" of their parents.
Learning will not refuse, I would like to call it the root of life's suffering.
-01
People who will not refuse, what are the manifestations?
First: Even if the other party's request is unreasonable, you will not refuse
Student years:
Every time the roommate asks you to help bring the meal, the most excessive thing is that every time he helps bring the meal, he is not willing to give you change, and he has to take advantage every time.
Despite your reluctance, the next time you accept his request to bring food.
After work:
Something that is not in your role, but colleagues always trouble you.
Today I want you to help work overtime, tomorrow let you help do PPT, and the day after tomorrow let you help share the responsibility.
Again and again to test your bottom line, but you still accept it.
In love:
Your partner makes unreasonable demands on you again and again, tests your bottom line again and again, and hurts you again and again.
But in the end, you still can't refuse the harm he brought you and choose to forgive.
Second: Wronging oneself and perfecting others
People who will not refuse have obvious "flattering personality" characteristics.
Common thoughts are:
"As long as I am conscientious and proactive in helping everyone solve difficult problems, and do not refuse every request, people will like me."
So, in any relationship, you are the role of "wronging yourself".
Wronged yourself, hurt your own interests, and fulfill others.
You become a green leaf, but the other person is the "flower" that amazes everyone.
Third: Even if you are hurt, you are not willing to conflict with the other party
The other party has stepped on your head, but you are still unwilling to resist and let grievances and humiliation befall you.
You always advise yourself: endure the calm and calm the waves, take a step back and open the sky.
But what you are waiting for is not the quiet years, nor the respect of others.
You wait until the other person has to step in and rightfully hurt you.
-02
Why don't you learn to reject others?
1. Rejection will make you feel "guilty"
For example:
You go out shopping, you go shopping, and you see a beggar asking you for money.
Although you can tell at a glance that he is pretending, you give him a few dollars out of compassion.
The reason why you don't refuse is because rejection will make you feel a sense of "guilt."
"I rejected him, with a guilty conscience"
"If I reject him, my heart will feel bad"
In fact, this is the "projection effect" in psychology.
You transfer the compassion, kindness, and kindness in your heart to the other person.
Perhaps, your empathy just comes from some film and television dramas, books and your own experience.
2. Worry that after rejection, it will make others dislike you
Every time you want to say no to the other person, you think:
"If I reject him, will he hate me?"
"I don't help him, what if he doesn't get along with me?"
"If I reject him, will he speak ill of me in front of others?"
"If you reject him, will he hurt me behind my back?"
This is the true thought in the hearts of most people who do not understand rejection.
In fact, this mindset stems from character formation in the environment in which it was grown.
For example:
When you were growing up, every request you made was rejected by your parents.
Over time, you are afraid to ask your parents.
And in the face of your parents' demands, you always "accept" because whether you refuse or not, your parents do not give you the right to resist.
As a result, you have developed this kind of personality that will not refuse, and even have some flattery.
In essence, this type of person also belongs to the "low self-esteem personality".
often put their posture very low, subconsciously elevating the status of others;
Always get along with each other in a flattering, obedient way, whether it is social or love.
3. Create a personality
There is also a category of people who will not refuse because he molded himself into a "good old man" character in the process of creating his character.
Psychologically speaking, the power of autosuggestion is powerful.
How you hint at yourself, how you demand of yourself, and do something to prove it based on that hint.
In the end, you really become that kind of person.
In the beginning, you do not refuse others, you want to increase your favorability or prestige in the hearts of others.
Over time, you find yourself developing this habit, and once you reject others, that sense of contrast makes you feel uncomfortable.
Moreover, when you receive admiration, kindness or gratitude from the other party, you have a strong sense of accomplishment.
In fact, this is about creating a persona.
However, you should also be wary of becoming a "good old man".
A good old man is to accept the unreasonable demands of others without principles and without a bottom line.
This brings me to a consulting case.
One wife left a message saying:
Her husband is a typical good old man, famous in the village, everyone looks down on him, but he feels that he has a lot of face and respect.
The living expenses of his children in college were gone, but he lent the family's only 50,000 yuan to relatives;
When his family's work was not finished, he went to help his neighbors.
There are many more things like that.
For the sake of face and to create a character, he did not hesitate to let his wife and children be wronged.
Such a good old man trait is despised.
-03
Stop suffering and start by learning to refuse
How to learn to refuse?
1. Learn to lose your temper and learn to say "no"
You read that right, stop the pain and start by learning to lose your temper.
For example:
In social, the other person jokes about your sore spots, speaks ill of you in public, and makes you a "laughing stock" for everyone.
What should you do?
Of course it's to scare him.
Express your anger, speak your mind, and tell the other person the consequences of doing so next time.
In short, do what you can to make the other person feel your anger.
Believe me, lose your temper once, and the other party will definitely not dare to despise you next time.
On the contrary, the weaker and more silent you are, the other person will continue to hurt you next time.
2. Set a sense of boundaries and bravely refuse once
What is a sense of boundaries?
To use an analogy:
You surround you with a wall, and the distance between the person outside the wall and you is the boundary.
Some people can break your sense of boundaries, some people can only stand outside the wall, that's what it means.
Those who make you feel uncomfortable, keep your distance from them and let the other person notice your attitude.
If you can't accept the request, don't hesitate to refuse it outright.
Meditate in your heart: "It is your duty not to help you, not to help." ”
"Since I helped you, I will suffer a lot of losses, why should I help you? You are not my family. ”
To be excessively kind, is to be stupid;
Excessive flattery is the greatest evil to oneself;
Not refusing is the root of a person's suffering.
Together~
Today's Topic:
Do you have the courage to refuse others?
(Article with picture source network)