When returning home during the Spring Festival, many young people may have conflicted moods - although seeing long-lost family members can heal their mood, they may also encounter "difficult" relatives.
How's it working? Do you have an object? ...... Sometimes dealing with these relatives is simply more torturous than working overtime.
If you often encounter this type of person who verbally offends you during the Spring Festival, it is likely that you have encountered a "difficult personality".
01
Spring Festival is always "offended" by the elders in the family?
Beware of "difficult personalities"
Researchers at the University of Georgia combined multiple scales to analyze what traits are included in the personality of "difficult" people.
The researchers gathered 532 participants and tested them on multiple dimensions. It turns out that these "difficult" people often have some fixed personality traits, mainly including:
Cold, arrogant, aggressive, unable to trust others, manipulative, domineering, adventurous, etc.
Copyright images in the gallery are not authorized to be reproduced
During the Spring Festival, chatting with people who combine the above personality traits can be said to be a huge spiritual challenge.
If you find it difficult for relatives and friends to engage, you need to set reasonable expectations in advance before entering into communication with such people. Confirm that you really understand that "all this is caused by their personality traits, not from the present communication."
At the same time, you can also appropriately convey your experience to the other person. You can explicitly tell them "I don't like you doing this" and "this sentence will offend me".
It should be noted that due to the general lack of empathy among these people, you may be ignored in the process of communicating these ideas, and it is difficult to obtain the positive effect of timeliness.
02
The conflict may be due to a "misunderstanding"
Beware of "defensive listening"
Of course, sometimes relatives and friends just ask about your living situation in good faith, not intentionally offending you, but speculating that the other party "has something to say", such as:
When the other person asks you about your living situation in Beijing, you suspect that the other person is trying to compare yourself with yourself, or even look down on yourself in your heart. This situation is "defensive listening".
Defensive Listening is the least perceptible "wrong listening" of the listener itself – in many cases, it is an instinctive self-preservation, defensive listeners firmly believe that what they are hearing is the truth, so it can easily lead to misunderstandings and damage relationships.
So, when you go home to chat during the Spring Festival, you realize that you have the following state, which is a signal to fall into "defensive listening". Such as:
When listening to others, it seems that there is a voice in my heart that keeps saying, "I don't", "It's not like this", and so on;
Try to find out which of the other person's words accuses you and which hurts you;
I always feel that the other party "has words in his words", and he also feels that he can hear the "subtext" behind his words;
The other party will repeatedly clarify to you, ta is just to express views and suggestions, there is no other meaning, please do not mind, do not have other ideas, etc.
It is not difficult to see that when entering this state, people's focus is no longer the content of the communication itself, but becomes a word-for-word vigilance to the other person to identify the attacks and injuries caused by the other party, etc.
Copyright images in the gallery are not authorized to be reproduced
Defensive listening is usually found in "highly sensitive groups", who are highly sensitive to the details of life than ordinary people.
Because of this, TAs are easily overstimulated by external information, that is, TAs will be more likely to notice the possible attacks and accusations in others' words, and sometimes even over-interpret some language and actions, which will make them feel that they are always under the attack of others.
If you are a "highly sensitive group", it is easy to have "defensive listening", misinterpreting the elders' concerns when returning home during the Spring Festival as aggression and sarcasm, at this time, you may wish to remind yourself to consciously focus on the objective facts of the other party's words, rather than the part of judging and evaluating, although it is not easy, but you can form habits through deliberate practice.
03
How to respond effectively
Relatives who "urge marriage" and "nurture"
Of course, sometimes even if relatives have no malice, it is a very bad experience to be frequently urged to marry and give birth, and since it is difficult to change their minds, if you want to deal with your parents and relatives in the New Year, you have to make some roundabout schemes.
When they say, "It's time to get married," be sure to express your determination to get married: "Yes, yes, I'm in a hurry, but I just can't find it." ”
This kind of feedback is "empathetic communication", which is a good way to "join if you can't beat", and it is easy to resolve conflicts.
At the same time, you can also show your vulnerability and helplessness - "It's not that I don't want to get married, it's just that it's too hard to find the right person right now." ”
Showing some conflicts in marriage at the right time, and showing your vulnerability "not that I don't want to get married, but the reality is too cruel", is also an effective way to bring the relationship closer.
Finally, please believe that parents love us, urging marriage is only a means, and making children happy is the ultimate goal. I hope that when you go home during the Spring Festival, you can find a good communication mentality and have a warm and pleasant holiday.
Author: Tang Yicheng, Deputy Secretary-General of the Psychology Popularization Committee of the Chinese Psychological Society
Source: Tadpole staves